carlburger Reviews

Old (2021)

An instant cult movie

[2/10 · 21 September 2021]

I haven't written a review since 2015. But "Old" demands it. It defies what the common definition of what "bad" means, in the same way "The Room" (2003) did. It is something else. It is its own entity. Should you watch it? Definitely. Will you enjoy it? Well, that depends entirely on your expectations. If you expect to see a good horror movie, then the answer is a resounding No. But if you expect a challenge on par with eating a Carolina Reaper pepper or having an ice bucket poured over you - then this is for you.

Because this is an attack on all fronts. From the horrible acting, the ridiculous cinematography, the horrendous editing and the script, oh the script... The script feels like it was written by aliens who have never met humans, so they had to guess what normal human interaction looks like, and completely wing it when it came to the dialogue. Because noone talks like they do in this movie. Everything is exposition and self narration.

So, mark my words. There will be musicals made on this. People will learn every line by heart and yell them out loud at yearly screenings. People will brag about watching the whole thing.

This is a cult movie. It was made unironically. It takes itself serious. Dead serious. And it's in the contrast between the intent and the result where cult movies are born. "The Happening" didn't quite reach all the way over to the magical realm of movies that are so bad that they become immortal legends. But "Old" does. Plan 9 From Outer Space, The Room, Howard the Duck, Old. They all belong on the same shelf.

In conclusion: Old is a glorious, spectacular mistake from start to finish. Enjoy.

Kong: Skull Island (2017)

A complete mess.

[3/10 · 20 April 2017]

Kong: Skull Island A failed matinée. A botched blockbuster. Basically? It's gorilla poop.

But why? Well. Imagine that you are a teacher. You're giving your class of 12 year olds a home assignment, to write an "adventurous story". And once the sugar high kids turn in their papers, you take one of the most hilariously bad ones, and send it, just for sh*ts and giggles, to Hollywood.

...and to your shock and amazement- they make a freaking movie out of it. That is Kong:Skull Island. That's what it feels like.

The story is so all over the place. Most of the action scenes look cool. But over all, the film is weighed down by actors standing in front of an unusually bad and apparent green screen. Most of those bad green screen scenes feels very much like hastily added re shoots.

Remember Suicide Squad? This movie suffers from the same problems. They talk about the hollow earth in the movie. Where the great ancient beasts resides. Well. That's kinda symptomatic for the script. So much surface, covering a vast abyss of nothingness.

Actually though. I get what they were aiming for. An entertaining matinée for the family. But at times it's way to gory and graphic for that. I honestly zoned out, watching it, at times. Because it was like listening to the incoherent story from an Adhd kid yelling some lengthy story about how he totally owned like 500 bullies, that came at him with laser rifles in the schools cafeteria.

Verdict: In true McDonald's fashion - in order to please *everyone* it instead ends up tasting like sh*t to *everyone*. 👍 One thumb up- for some cool looking scenes with Kong going ape.

The Subjects (2015)

Non studio review. The Subjects is an OK movie

[6/10 · 17 October 2015]

First off. This is my first review. I've been an IMDb member since 2006, and the main reason (besides laziness) for not writing a review earlier, has been the language barrier. I'm Swedish, and my English vocabulary is somewhat limited.

The reason why I chose to review this movie isn't because it's so good that it changed my religion, nor so bad it made me change my underwear. It's just because of the obvious studio-affiliated reviews. We really need honest reviews here on IMDb- or else the site will eventually implode, by studios applauding themselves.

Right. Now the review.

It's the basic "diverse group of people stuck in a room" concept. This time, the twist is that they're a focus group, trying out a pill. It soon becomes apparent that the pill gives the group different superpowers.

The actors are OK. Some more annoying than others. The archetypes are all there. But hey. What fun is a room full of like minded people, right? So I'll let that one slide. The script is the weakest point. The movie is short, clocking in at roughly 1 hour and 20 minutes- but they were clearly struggling to fill that little time. The godawful "debate" about whether to take the pill or not, at the very beginning of the movie is a prime example of that.

So it's not aces. It's not groundbreaking. It's not even very original although it tries so hard to be. But. Was i bored watching it? Nope. It was OK for the duration. It was OK for what it was.

So if you like the setup- group stuck in room, or like seeing superpowers emerging in regular people, then yeah. This will be OK for a Sunday afternoon. Don't worry too much about some characters that seem to have the superpower to be super annoying- because thankfully this movie has a high body count.

So in summary: -some annoying characters -Weak dialogue -Low budget special effects -Entertaining story (if you like superheroes/villains) -Doesn't take itself too serious (the end credits makes this abundantly clear)

As a superpowers fan, I rate The Subjects 6/10.