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Reviews
Varsity Blues (1999)
Things I Learned From This Movie
-The cops can bust a teen drinking party and no one will be arrested, even when a minor is talking to a cop drinking -You can steal a cop car and will not get in any trouble -Once you become a starting quarterback girls will automatically invite to their house and get naked -Your girlfriend can see you kiss another girl but she'll just sigh and walk away -You can through the football at other teams' mascots and no one will be angry -When fat linemen get upset, they give away their pig and shoot trophies -The greatest high school football player in Texas can be out for the season because a fat kid fell over, and no one will be angry at the fat kid -The head coach will find out about 6 players going to a strip club but will not find out about the whole team going to a drinking party -The greatest team in Texas only has one coach
Jumper (2008)
dumb
this movie is dumb on every level known to mankind. The Movie starts off with a 15 year old kid giving some girl a snow globe he gets from a garage sale. For no reason, everybody hates the kid. One of the "bad guys" takes the snow globe and hurls it 30 yards away onto a frozen river. the snow globe doesn't break! are you being serious????? how can you hurl a flimsy piece of glass 90 feet onto solid ice and not have it break. The kid then walks over to it and of course falls through the ice and reappears in a library. Dumb right? Anyway, the kid then goes home to a drunk father where we first learn of the kids situation. His mother left when he was a little kid and his dad sucked. So the kid runs away with his new power and robs banks and gets extremely rich. The movie is good until now, when we learn of a group of people led by Samuel L. Jackson who aren't the jumpers' biggest fans. Turns out they try to kill jumpers! Who knew?
So the rest of the movie is filled with lame chase scenes and stupidity. For example, Samuel L. kidnaps the protagonist's girlfriend. Didn't see that coming. The kid goes after her (shocker) and gets in a big fight, but of course no guns are used.
I saved the stupidest thing for last. Turns out the mom left the kid when he was five when she learns he's a jumper! what kind of mom ditches her kid when she learns he's from a rival gang? then she informs him that she's gonna have to kill him! she leaves us with the line "I love you. That's why I'm giving you a head start." (Because she has to kill him.)
Overall, there's no character depth, a stupid plot, and they never even really explain the power! how did he get it? how many people have it? can the make other people jump? and the only explanation we get for the people trying to kill the jumpers is Samuel L.'s quote,"Only God should have the power to be all places."
Well, only people hated by God should be forced to watch this movie. Don't bother.
The Bill Engvall Show (2007)
Pretty Darn Awful
This show is pretty darn awful. First off, it fails on every level imaginable. The script made me suicidal. Do you recall the pilot? One of the "funny" parts was when the little kid made the remark, "you haven't WASHED your hands in a while." What? The jokes are terrible.
Next, the characters do incredibly dumb things. In one episode, the mom starts selling muffins to people in Bill's office. She is bringing home hundreds of dollars a day when she would normally just be sitting at home. However, this is to Bill's DISMAY. He hates her doing this! He's such a frigging moron! Then, she has to (get this) work HARD! OH NO! And we, the audience, and supposed to feel sorry for her, instead of saying, "heck with you! you need to work hard to make money!" So whats the message of the story? It's even if you make hundreds of dollars a day, if it's hard, then just be a house wife! And of course the episode ends with that dork going back to being a housewife.
The Rookie (2002)
Good, but EXTREAMELLY STUPID
OK first off, this is by NO means a bad movie. Not at all. It's actually a good movie trapped in an awful movie's DVD. Mainly because it's stupid. OK just so you know, I'm in high school, so I can really understand how flipping unrealistic all those scenes that involve high schoolers are. OK you know in the district championship game when Rudy is pitching to the "bad guy" in red hair? THERE IS NO WAY THAT GUY IS IN HIGH SCHOOL. even the seniors at my school look like toddlers compared to the kid. Also, during the seen in the beginning of the flick the protagonist is a kid aged 10-12, but later he is 30-40, so obviously the characters have all aged 20-30 years, but the 3 weird old guys he always hangs out with don't change at all in appearance! frank's hair turned white, but other than that there the exact same! it's like the just returned from the set of tuck everlasting. when the young morris goes into the store, all those old guys are between 40-60. Twenty to thirty years later, they look the same. dumb. so does the dad, the exact same.
also during the seen when he's posting the newspapers clippings on his bulletin board, i paused it and went up the the TV and read that newspapers, and IT Wasn't ABOUT BASEBALL.
also this nonsense with the tryouts, tell me the last time you saw a huge billboard that said "hey have you ever wanted to play in the MLB? well then come here at this time!" for him to even a freaking shot at the majors he would need an agent! the music in the this film sucks too, particularly when he's timing his pitches with the car radar thing.
also, why is the kid ALWAYS WITH THE DAD? i mean did he get divorced and take custody? that punk is always with him, even at practice. my freshman basketball coach ALWAYS brings his kids (all 3 of em) to our practices, and my teammates HATE IT and the last thing we would want is for one of them to come party in the locker room with us, like "Hunter" does.
Bowling for Columbine (2002)
insanely hypocritically
Micheal more is first and foremost, fat. he should of spent the money he made off bowling for columbine for a month at weight watchers. he also is a total moron. first mister more says that "poor people were not a priority to president bush." well Micheal, he has spent more money funding inner city schools than any president in history. second, he said that poor people shouldn't have to travel on a bus to go to their jobs. wait wait wait-isn't this a movie about gun control? second he pointed out that the USA has far more shootings than any other country. well, we're also a lot bigger. also, 79% of those shootings were done by people living in poverty, the same people he defends throughout the film. nice try Micheal, but next time, do some research!
Smart House (1999)
smart house-stupid writers
this is one of those movies that are flimsy story lines sandwiched together by incredibly unrealistic features, stereotypes, and just stupidity. Lets start at the beginning- #1 flimsy storyline. The story is that there's this fat "athletic" loser with ugly spiked hair who never spends time with his friends (only two are shown the entire movie-what a social animal) so he can do everything a mom would normally do because she's dead and he doesn't want his dad to think that they need a mom. He then decides that having a multi-billion dollar computer house would be perfect so he won't have to do so much work. Great reasoning, huh? But the house starts screwing up and begins like sexually harassing the dad. #2- unrealistic features. so there's this multi billion dollar house that a bunch of scientists just decide to give away to a random teenager. okay... Then, the house can do anything. it can make smoothies out of ingredients that the characters never even buy. then it shows where the smoothie ingredients are kept and there's hundreds of oranges in the kitchen island!!!! # 3-sterotypes. the school bully is a tall fat kid who makes kids do whatever he wants. in my life, all the bullies are short losers who
High School Musical (2006)
i predicted everything that happened!!!!!!!!!!
this film starts out in Colorado with a 5'9 high school sophomore on East High School's (what an original name!)varsity basketball team shooting hoops with his dad (he never misses a shot the entire movie except when he's really ticked off in one scene)the team name is the Wildcats (that's even more original!) and his dad is the coach (he's also a teacher-never mind the fact that they live in a mansion with a fenced in basketball court). he goes to a new year's eve party and gets pushed on stage to sing karaoke with a girl to a song that doesn't exist. then we're taken to New Mexico where the 5'10 hunk lives and the same girl from Colorado happens to go to his same school! the main guy (who in real life is probably gay) starts breaking out in song at basketball practice. he wants to join his high school's musical and so does that girl, but she's in some science tournament and can't go to the callbacks for the musical. neither can the guy because he has the state championship right after school (let's pretend that state championships never take place at a neutral place and are always at 3:00) then more predictable garbage happens that i can't talk about because "it would be a spoiler." and get this, at one point he breaks and enters into this one girls room at night and that is perfectly OK with the girl
Ghost Rider (2007)
this is great movie-if you're 8
but if not, you'll find the plot too simple and some stupid and predictable parts. why do super villains ALWAYS kidnap the superhero's crush? why can't the hero's best friend get taken? the film's best parts are at the beginning but after that the action scenes get very good so you'll be entertained the entire film. this film should drop some of the language so parents will bring their 3rd graders along because that is who will enjoy this film the most. all and all it is pretty decent and isn't a waste of money. the trailers do show all the best parts-but still. if you are a parent, this film has some scary parts but your kid will definitely like it.
The Master of Disguise (2002)
they should rename this movie, "When filmmakers get high"
some rainy, cold, day in 2001, a group of movie makers got together and started talking about what good movies they have ideas of. the only problem was, that it was at a bar. after about 2 hours they were all insanely drunk. then they started naming ideas, like, hey! lets have terrible acting in a movie! another one said, yeah! and tons of forced unfunny humor! another said, no movie would be complete w/o decent acting! then last off, another one said,"and lets tie it all together w/ a storyline that makes no sense and is embarrassingly dumb! they all combined their ideas and made, "The Master of Disguise" and it was everything they hoped it would be.