spirit_of_truth2000 Reviews

You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)

Among the bottom of the barrel.

[1/10 · 8 June 2008]

"You Don't Mess With the Zohan" is the newest regurgitated $hitfest unleashed upon us by the brilliant minds of comedian Adam Sandler and director Dennis Dugan. The movie chronicles the absurd, zany story of Zohan Dvir, a ridiculously offensive special agent of an Isralei counter-terrorism organization known as the "Mossad". His extraordinarily stupid fake accent and personality that would insult the intelligence of an eleven year old give the writers, (Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, and SNL writer Robert Smigel) the framework to create a movie that is incomprehensibly bad.

The movie begins with Zohan in his home country doing stupid $hit, which is what he does pretty much for the entire movie. As the movie scrapes along, you're pondering what the hell "Zohan" is even supposed to be. "How does he have super powers?" "Is he a superhero?" "Why the hell am I watching this?" "Why does Adam Sandler always have to play the role of a super savvy cool-guy when the only reason anyone really liked "Happy Gilmore", "Billy Madison", "Bulletproof", "The Wedding Singer", "Big Daddy", "Little Nicky", or "Mr. Deeds" is because of his supporting cast?" "Why can't Adam Sandler play a pedophile addicted to methamphetamines who is married to a retarded homosexual and spends his free time wiping his ass with an American Flag?" Veiled behind the facade of a retarded accent, a stupid haircut, and a constant beating of dick jokes, narrow minded cultural references, and pretty much anything else that would annoy anyone with a shred of dignity, Zohan expresses aspirations of becoming a hair stylist {in which he will make people s' hair "silky smooth"(which he repeats at least SEVEN times before the movie ends and you stop wishing to stick your head in an oven for watching this hideous abomination), which is another stupid idiosyncrasy of every single Adam Sandler movie in the past nine years, which is including a "subtle" reference to one of his older movies, which the writers apparently think is cute}. After a literal five minute long homosexual joke, he moves to America.

Not long after his arrival,(in,...you guessed it... NEW YORK CITY!!!, where every single movie ever made takes place) he finally achieves his goal of becoming a hairstylist.

Nearly an hour into the movie, a bit of plot is finally revealed (the time between had to be used as filler for Adam Sandler tea bagging at least twenty different characters and further humiliating himself into oblivion). Zohans' arch enemy, Palestinian terrorist leader Phantom (John Turturro), reveals himself. Apparently, he is also a superhero like Zohan. There are several scenes illogically strewn together depicting Zohan doing some more stupid $hit and further cementing this movie as being the most racist mainstream movie ever made that the American public completely ignores because they're too dense to be able to comprehend anything that isn't expressed explicitly. When there's about a half hour left in the movie (I'm probably not correct on the time frame because I was trying my hardest not to pay attention to the movie for fear that the movie would have pulled me into the depths of insanity, so try to bare with it), Zohan enlists the help of socialite millionaires to aid him in his battle against Phantom. Among these people is Michael Buffer, the famous boxing announcer. I'm still in awe of the throngs of people who were dragged screaming into this fiasco. But I'm still frustrated because of the relentless cameos. Seriously, it is not necessary in any movie.

I know that I'm skipping around the plot a bit, but I am trying not to think too much about this movie.

At the end of the movie, the Palestinians led by Phantom and the Israelis led by Zohan have an ultra explosion-filled showdown in the streets of New York as the result of some idiotic subplot regarding Rob Schneiders'affinity for his goat (because every single person who lives in the middle east who isn't a terrorist is a goat farmer), some other retarded subplot, and some other retarded subplot. The movie predictably ends with each group realizing their differences and learning to love each other. There. I spoiled the entire movie for you because it really doesn't matter.

In the midst of all of the racism, sexism, xenophobia, and pretty much every other idiotic antisocial American sentiment that entrenched this travesty of a film, there is one notion for me that resides over all others. It is the fact that the creators of this movie actually thought that they were making a good movie. To me that is mind boggling.

Overall, I give this movie a 2 out of 10 because there were a total of three times when I chuckled at the movie. It's a pretty bad ratio because the movie has to have the record of most attempts at trying to make its audience laugh. However, it was agonizing to watch, so I'll give it a 1 out of spite.

Click (2006)

atrocity

[1/10 · 15 August 2007]

The only way that this movie can get any worse was if.., oh, wait, it can't. Every stupid, overused comedy ploy that surfaces in every comedy to come out in the past five years.

Basically, it's just this prick father who gets a universal remote (that has a literal meaning, how funny), at a department store called Bed Bath and Beyond (get it, beyond, hardy har har har), who uses the remote to fast-forward his life and skip his work, which he can just pause his life for, and skips having sex with his ridiculous hot wife Kate Beckinsale (how realistic). Also, the scene with the Middle-Eastern businessmen is absolutely sickening.

It ends up that he skips years and years and misses out on his father's death and his kids growing up and the end has Adam Sandler in horrible old man makeup running down the street screaming his son's name "BEN, BEN, BEN", as an attempt to take on a serious role, which makes him even more of an embarrassing actor.

If you're thinking this movie's funny, it's not. If you want to see it to laugh at for being so pathetic, go right ahead.

Rescue Dawn (2006)

above average..

[7/10 · 13 August 2007]

Rescue Dawn is an admirably good, fact-based film about a rookie pilot fighting for his life and assuming the role of a true leader in a pre-Vietnam POW camp after being shot down from his fighter jet. Werner Herzog's Direction is amazing, and the film has a highly original and effective score.

Christian Bale plays the lead role of pilot Deter, (in which he synthesizes an American accent flawlessly, as usual), who eventually becomes the heroic sole-survivor of a brutal POW camp in Laos. His supporting cast was very strong, and the filming process was apparently a very harsh one. Christian Bale reportedly lost sixty pounds for the movie, eats insects, and even has himself covered in leeches, as does the rest of the supporting cast.

The main aspect of the movie that impressed me was how realistic it was, and how it focused on the psychology of the victims of the camp in unique ways.

Basically, it's virtually a flawless film, and anyone who appreciates quality film should seriously consider watching Rescue Dawn.

Evan Almighty (2007)

god-awful (no pun intended)

[1/10 · 26 June 2007]

Well, for this abomination of a film, I wasn't expecting anything good. I find Steve Carell annoying, and Bruce Almighty was pretty good but there is absolutely no reason for it to have a sequel. Somehow, this film was even lower than my expectations, even when I didn't have any.

Does anyone remember the Disney movie Noah with Tony Danza? Well, let's just say that Evan Almighty completely ripped it off in way too many ways for the movie to remain justifiable. Actually Evan Almighty was had the EXACT same plot outline as Noah, with the exception of a few technicalities, it was nothing but a carbon copy of a far-superior movie that was actually FUNNY.

Another thing, did anyone get sick of Wanda Sykes' stupid, unfunny, redundant, one-liners that were literally in every single scene? It was completely ridiculous and just dragged the movie down more and more.

Despite the fact that I basically had already seen the film ten years earlier(Noah), Evan Almighty has to be the most predictable movie I've ever seen. I figured out the entire movie from beginning to end within the first five minutes and eventually realized that it was ripping off Noah left and right.

In conclusion, if you're a little bit unsure of whether or not you want to see Evan Almighty, and are already sick of Jonah Hill playing the same role in every single movie he's in, liked Bruce Almighty, and don't want to see a predictable, dry, unfunny movie with Steve Carell trying to act like Jim Carrey, then please, don't see this piece of garbage.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)

Stupid movie that has some cheap thrills...

[2/10 · 31 March 2007]

My God. This movie was awful. I can't complain about it too much. I went to see it just to be grossed out. It did suffice, sort of. It's funny that the most disgusting part of the movie was in the very, very beginning where the woman is extremely vividly forced to give birth to a horribly mutated baby.

I also think that it's funny that the most notable actor in the movie was the Hispanic soldier, who was a supporting actor in Next Friday. Everyone in the movie did a horrible acting job. It was some of the worst acting I've ever paid to see.

I also expected that it would be much more gruesome than the first one. It wasn't. I expected it to be more gruesome because it's a sequel and horror movie sequels are usually much less successful than their predecessors. I expected it to be more gruesome since gore and violence usually sell a horror movie these days (Grudge 2, Saw 3, Jeepers Creepers 1 & 2, Dead Silence), but It actually wasn't nearly as gruesome as the first one, which was yet another disappointment.

The mutants in the first one were kind of disturbing but the filmmakers were trying so hard in this one to make them creepy that they were absolutely hilarious.

I also hated the entire concept of showing the clip of the female soldier's son on her camera-phone saying "I love you, mommy" FOUR TIMES. It was stupid to show it in the first place because they were just trying to make us feel worse for the vulnerable mother than the rest of the soldiers, and it was even more stupid to keep trying to make us feel even WORSE for her by showing it three more times for no reason. This movie was a joke.

The Big Lebowski (1998)

perfect

[9/10 · 18 March 2007]

This may just be the perfect movie. The Big Lebowski, though it may have a dull plot, has perfect acting by all the colorful, well-portrayed characters. Every scene is a tribute to greatness, from the very beginning, to the very end. Even though it came out nearly ten years ago, it has still yet to be matched by another comedy. I've found that it is a seriously underrated movie. Shadowed by mediocre comedies like Wedding Crashers and Talladega Nights, it has amassed a gigantic cult following. For good reason, too. It is flawlessly directed, flawlessly casted, and flawlessly acted. Despite it's irreverence and relentless profanity, it actually has an almost touching ending. Definitely a classic movie. Probably my all-time fav. ten out of ten.

The Wicker Man (2006)

amazing...

[10/10 · 18 March 2007]

Wow. That's all I have to say about this movie. Nicholas Cage's acting was captivating in every way. That was by far the funniest movie of 2006. It put Clerks 2 to shame. Every single scene was absolutely ridiculous. The best scene, though was the one where Nick was wearing the bear costume. Then he blasted that woman directly in the face and all you see is him triumphantly standing over her while she's rolling down the hill. Another great thing about the movie was how it kept showing the little girl unexpectedly getting plowed by that car (On the boat, in Nick's dreams, etc.). But the best thing about the movie has to be the fact that it was trying to be completely serious. I'll repeat. IT WAS TRYING TO BE A SERIOUS MOVIE!!!. What was Neil LaBute thinking? Honestly, what in the world could have been going through his mind in making this atrocity of a film? He'll never be able to live this down. Nicholas Cage will never be able to live this down. Never. This movie is just a gigantic practical joke on all of us, if anything.

Primeval (2007)

I expected something horrible and it was everything i expected

[2/10 · 2 March 2007]

It's odd. Every time I go to see a good movie, there is usually no more than fifteen other people in the theater where I go (ex. The Fountain, The Prestige). But it was absolutely packed for this horrible piece of garbage. Peole actually expected a good movie. Then again, I couldn't blame them. It is, however, about a mutated crocodile that kills hundreds of people. My main complaint about this movie is Orlando Jones' ridiculous, unfunny one-liners that happen about three times per scene. Even though some of the action sequences are kind of interesting,(with the civil war and all), and the special effects are okay, it just doesn't make up for the film's garish cheesiness (seriously, when the crocodile was chasing Orlando Jones through an open field, was it supposed to be serious?). You would probably be better off seeing The Hills Have Eyes remake if you're in the mood for some senseless violence. Primeval, however, just doesn't cut it.