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Reviews
Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)
"TH-TH-TH-THAT'S ALL ETHEL!"
I freaking love this movie! I was just a kid back in the 80's when I used to watch this. My favorite was always the ones with "Anthony," and the one with John Lithgow. I also never realized that was Nancy Cartwright as the sister. It's definitely nostalgic. Having loved it as a kid, and there not being a lot to watch on TV back then, it holds a special place in my heart. There's no reason to not enjoy this. If you've never seen it before & you're a millennial, or "left" -brained you probably won't like it. That's how I go about choosing a movie. I look at the rotten tomatoes score & then check out the wannabe Siskel & Ebert's whinny reviews on here & if they do nothing but whine & complain I know it's going to be a good movie. The best part of 80's movies is the lack of left-brained views.
Land of the Lost (2009)
IGNORE THE WHINY MILLENNIALS! 15⭐
I grew up in the 80's & 90's so I still have the ability to think, and I wasn't conditioned to only find hollywood propaganda funny. I am a comedy buff & the greatest standup comedian ever was George Carlin. The greatest comedy duo ever was Richard Pryor & Gene Wilder so you now know I know comedy. Now, I've never been a big fan of Will Ferrell, and only care for a few of his films, but this movie I will say is just about perfect. Comedy gold! Even my humourless daughter laughs at this & even said there isn't a none-funny moment in it. If you aren't afraid to laugh at something funny, or use your brain to find something funny then this is a must-watch. Whenever it's on Prime I watch it as often as possible. The first time I watched it I had to keep pausing & would laugh so hard I'd cry. It doesn't matter how many times I watch it, either, I laugh every time. I no longer find SNL funny, and haven't heard of any funny liberal comedians, so if those are not your cup of tea either then watch this. You will not be disappointed.
The X Files: Via Negativa (2000)
NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED AROUND THAT TIME?
It seems the intelligence left the show. The one before a guy with undeniable proof of innocence is still arrested. This one the dead agent in the car is a mystery because "it was locked from the inside"! Yes, they said that. Because he couldn't have possibly been placed in the car & then someone locked all the doors before closing it. That could never happen. A house is locked from the inside. A car can be locked with the door open and then closed. No mystery there. The weapon that they believe is the murder weapon can't possibly be it because it's still on permanent display. I guess the idea of someone making a replica is out of the question. So far the only mystery is people's lack of intelligence. It's been a long time since I watched all of these & I apparently never saw these because I think I would've remembered how ridiculous it was.
The X Files: Redrum (2000)
MAKES NO SENSE
This episode of "Groundhog Day* in reverse makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. As if it would be impossible for a prosecutor to prove that he was in an upscale hotel in Washington DC at the time of his wife's death. You have that, the nanny-cam proving he didn't get home until hours after the murder, and the friggin guy who did it & he's still arrested?! Rrrrright!? Talk about a lawsuit and a half. I don't know how much more evidence one needs to prove their innocence in this show, but even in the real world where truth, justice and common sense play no part in a court of law those three things right there would be more than sufficient to not be arrested for something you clearly couldn't have possibly done.
True Grit (2010)
A RARITY. A REMAKE THAT BEATS THE ORIGINAL HANDS-DOWN.
I am not wannabe Siskel & Ebert like most people who leave reviews today so my review is going to be a real review from a fan which is what counts, and not critics. Now, my grandmother owned over 5,000 movies & I seen just about every single one of them, and probably another 5,000 since, so I know films. I love foreign, independent, and even cheesey 80's flicks so I am basing everything off of the 10k+ movies I've seen & I'm telling you right now that this movie is a rarity. This movie wasn't just better than the original, it blows the original out of the water. I've seen many many remakes & 75% of the time, if not more, the remake sucks. And even in those rare times where the remake is really good it doesn't do away with the original. I was meant to be born back then & this film was done beautifully. The clothing, the speech, and everything in between makes you feel like you have been transported back to the 1880's. I was never much of a fan of Jeff Bridges when he was younger, but as he got older is when he really started to shine & I think this is best performance. I didn't see Bridges while watching this I saw Cogburn! Give it a watch & you won't be disappointed unless you are "left handed." There's guns, real men & women.
Rango (2011)
... BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOUR DADDY'S COOKING!
This movie is funny AF!!! Hilarious ! I LOVE this movie! In my opinion it's one of Depp's funniest roles. Even funnier than "Jack Sparrow." You will barely stop laughing at one thing before you're dying over something else. I have an extremely broad sense of humor and I will have to pause the movie to finish laughing and catch my breath before I start again. Yes, kids can watch it, but most of the humor would go over their heads. Actually, a lot of it might go over a lot of adults heads too. There are many many references to other movies that are fun to notice, and a star-studded cast too like "Ray Winstone" who is just awesome, and a badass. If you somehow haven't seen it yet, and you haven't already drank the Kool aid, then give it a watch. If you still watch SNL and think it's funny then this isn't for you.
Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)
THE LEFT INFECTS EVERYTHING NOWADAYS.
This is ridiculous like most movies today. They're slowly changing history, again, because people don't like how things were before the downfall of society. Like almost all the prequels lately it's impossible to tell when it's taking place. If it wasn't for the book & movie & knowing Jud I wouldn't be able to tell you what era this was because no one talks, acts or dresses like the time it's supposed to be because everyone somehow thinks society today has improved & is better than the truth. Guy's back then didn't tell their friends they are looking sexy because they didn't have their shirt on. I couldn't imagine being that crazy that I would believe we've improved society so much that we should just forget, or change the past, and what better way to spread propaganda than hollywood.
Dark Harvest (2023)
LIKE GETTING STITCHES WITH NO LIDOCAINE!
First, I LOVE movies, cheesy & all, but I am exactly halfway through this movie & thanks to the reviews written by those that don't mind using their brain to watch a movie I'm not going to waste any more time finishing it. It's a painful thing trying to get through this & hope they explain things, but they don't so don't bother. If you're like the majority of the population & you prefer not to watch anything that requires thinking then you're going to love this. It has decent gore, but lacks any semblance of being written by someone with any experience writing. If I wrote a script THIS is what you'd get. I thought it was a town stuck in the 50's, then I realized the world is like that, but they are as far from acting like people in the 50's as you can get. It's a combo of. Combine "Children of the Corn" "The Outsiders" "The Purge" "Pumpkin Head" "Jeepers Creepers" and I'm sure a few others & leave out everything about them that might give you an idea of wtf is going on & why, and you have this movie. If the book is anything like this then I don't know how it was made into a film because it would lack everything that makes a book readable. I'm just glad I no longer need to subject myself to the nonsense that makes up the majority of this movie now that I know that there is no payoff in the end. I gave it 4stars because of the filming itself, and the FX's. It had the potential to be a good flick, but they, for some reason, decided to forgo explanations and chose to focus on the gore instead. It obviously worked because this movie, insanely, has a lot of people who liked it. Of course, those are probably a bunch of young people whose attention span is non-existent. When a guy whose favorite movies are cheesy 80's flicks, independent & foreign films tells you a movie is dumb you should listen to them. I don't mind crappy movies, but I do require them to explain what's going on, and why.
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!
So stupid is great. James Karen was ridiculously funny. I laughed so damn hard watching this, and still do every time I watch it. If you try to take this seriously in any way, shape or form then you're obviously not going to enjoy it. Just let go & enjoy the comedic value. It's not scary in the least, but if you don't have your head permanently wedged up your backside then you should get more than a few good laughs out of it. Punk rockers, hot naked chicks & zombies. You even get to hear from a zombie about why they eat brains. Just in case you have always wondered why. Definitely not a family movie, but it's great for a night with friends, or when you can't think of anything else to watch at 2 am.
Reacher (2022)
NOW THIS IS REACHER!
When I read the books when I pictured Reacher he looked like this guy. He didn't look like a short 5' 8" 60 yr old, which btw is only an 1" taller than my mother was, and I sure didn't picture her as Reacher. Maybe one of the villains, but definitely not the giant good guy. When I saw cruise playing him I was dumbfounded. Reacher takes craps bigger than cruise. I never thought I'd say this but this is just as good as the books. Maybe slightly funnier. I also love being able to finally see Reacher in action with my own eyes. I haven't stopped laughing the entire time, and the fight scenes are awesome. Alan Ritchson was literally born to play Reacher. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was the inspiration for him. Just because someone is considered a "leading man" in hollywood like cruise doesn't mean they should get the part & I'm glad they decided to do it right this time and use someone the author describes in the books. I can only imagine how irritating that must've been to see tiny, old tom cruise playing the part. The good thing about this, too, is that you can read the books after & still enjoy both. Usually once you read the books it's over for the movie, but not in this case. I hope amazon doesn't do what it always does & not make any more with this guy because he's perfect. Make as many of the books as possible, and leave cruise out of it.
Phantom (2013)
SERIOUSLY? TALK ABOUT CRINGE-WORTHY!
I don't think I've seen this, but it has a bunch of americans playing Russian soldiers. I rest my case. It's just as bad as watching a Scotsman play a Russian. It's ridiculous, and embarrassing. I love Harris and Duchovny but this is just asking the audience to forgo entirely way too much. Not sure if anyone knows this but the Russians have really great actors and actresses too, and they already come with accents. Of course, Russians aren't obsessed with Russian submarine movies like we are, but at least it would've been a little easier to swallow. There's a reason why this movie is pretty much the worst performing movie EVER at the box-office.
Jason X (2001)
GUILTY PLEASURE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
I will admit that I am a sucker for these types of movies- cheesy- so I'm kinda biased when it comes to this. If it's cheesy & it's sci-fi then I'm all over it. This was just a fun movie & it's not to be taken seriously. There's just something about Jason reeking havoc in the future on a spaceship that I just love. The future could be whatever they wanted it to be & I think they made it pretty fun. It would've been a shame, too, if no one else got to suffer from Jason's wrath in the future. You already know with stuff like liquid nitrogen laying around that Jason could definitely have some fun, and he does, and so did I.
The Stranger (2014)
SHOOT ME NOW PLEASE!
I am a huge fan of B-grade, independent, foreign and cheesy 80's flicks & this was horrible. I think the only person with any acting experience in it was the guy who played the stranger. If you like horrible, over-the-top acting mixed with a completely ridiculous dialogue and a pointless plot then this is for you. If you gave this any more than 3 stars then you're either a part of the movie, or you have only seen a handful of movies in your entire life & they were by Asylum. In that case it was great. The preview looked great, but it's a good thing I subscribed to the channel it's on instead of renting it because otherwise I would be livid right now. I'm halfway through it & I don't think I can watch anymore. Just imagine every single thing that makes a movie an annoying p.o.s. & this is slap-full of it. There's absolutely no satisfaction in it whatsoever. It just keeps making you more & more anger, especially whenever you hear the idiot cop, or the useless "mom" speak. Halfway through & I have nothing invested in this movie. I thought Eli Roth was supposed to be some master of horror but so far I've yet to see him produce anything remotely scary. Even his shows "Eli Roth presents 100 scariest horror scenes" is ridiculous, and he wouldn't know scary if it slapped him in his face. Yet another flop from Roth. I've been to fun-house's scarier than anything he puts his name on.
Head Count (2018)
TERRIFYING & THEN.........POOF!
This could've potentially been one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen, and then it fell right on its face. I'm 44 & a huge horror movie fan & being scared is not something that comes easy to me, but this one was making me feel something I haven't felt in a horror movie in a long time, and then I don't know what happened. I really hope they try again & this time have some kind of plan for the ending. It's definitely worth the watch just don't expect much towards the end. It was a little disappointing considering. This movie doesn't rely on blood, guts, and jump scares. It's just straight-up scary, but with a rushed ending.
Enemy (2013)
NO DEEP MEANING, JUST DUMB & POINTLESS!
My comprehension skills are more than adequate & this movie is dumb. Anyone trying to say it was some artistic genius film are dolts & posers. I just assumed it was some psychological thriller & turned out to be a pointless, nonsensical waste of time. Could've been so much more. To those with reviews about how the director is one of the greatest directors ever are just sad & pathetic. That's clearly & obviously not the case. Ask people about him & 8 out of 10 will have never heard of him. You can't be that great making pointless movies like this. You can pretend to be fancy, and think because some big name actor is involved in it that it's some amazing thought-provoking film, but anyone who likes movies that have a point will agree on just how idiotic it really is. I've seen cheesy 80's films make more sense.
Moonfall (2022)
I WANT TO PUNCH THIS MOVIE IN ITS FACE! (-3⭐)
I almost don't even want to write this review because I don't even want to think about this stupid, mind-numbing garbage consisting of about 27 different movies in one. They even pulled out something from Jurassic Park 2 when he's calling for Harper & yells "BRIAN, BRIAN HARPER" & she says "How many Brian Harper's do you think are on the moon?" I love a good cheesy 80's flick having grown up in those times, and I love sci-fi, but I spent the majority of this movie rolling my eyes & wanting it to just end already. I understand everything has already been done, but this is just ridiculous. It's like they didn't even try. I didn't even realize this was a major motion picture either until just 2 hrs ago. I thought it was another independent film. Apparently they thought making a movie completely out of CGI & just destroying everything inanely that no would notice how stupid it is? This is why I basically stopped watching & listening to anything that's come out in the past 10-15 yrs. I honestly can't believe that someone gave this guy that much money to make such a pointless movie. I bet you they could've made it better & cheaper using practical effects, but nope, everything has to be CGI now. I don't care who is in this, and how much money was spent on it, considering the way things are going in the world right now he should have the crap slapped out of him for wasting so much money. Ever heard that little spy saying "burn after reading"? Well, some movies should be burned after viewing, and then there's these that should just be burned. If we are getting rid of books from libraries then this should go too! I want my 2hrs back!
30 Days of Night (2007)
TERRIFYING! 1 OF 2 OF MY FAVORITE VAMP MOVIES!
This is the only vampire movie that scares the hell outta me. I'm 44 yrs old 6' & 225lbs & have been watching horror movies since I was a kid so I don't scare easily, but this movie gets me every time I see it. I always wanted to live in the middle of nowhere in Alaska, but it didn't work out, and watching this makes me glad I didn't. Now I live in the middle of nowhere in the desert instead. I love horror movies & especially vampire movies, but they have gotten fairly hard to deal with because they're all the same. Not this one. They took a semi real situation, and made the vampires just absolutely terrifying because they could almost be real. This was the first movie I had seen Danny Huston in, & he was nightmare fuel. These vampires are just vicious, evil, insanely blood-thirsty, and not the kind you can reason with. You will definitely need more than some garlic to deal with these panic-inducing vamps. As stuff is happening in the beginning I actually start to get anxious, and my heart starts racing The residents, the ones that live there, not only have to survive the night against these things, but they have to survive 30 days of night, but I'd rather take my chances with the cold. Btw, my types of movies are independent, foreign, and cheesy 80's-90's movies, so I don't only watch hollywood hits so when someone does something different with something as old as vampires, I love it. If you want to see another fantastic vamp movie done differently then watch "Daybreakers." Not scary though. They're two of my favorite vampire movies simply because they took a different approach, and didn't just make another vampire movie. If you haven't seen this already & you're reading reviews first then I'm here to tell you that you won't be disappointed. A little nauseous, maybe, especially how gory it is, but you will DEFINITELY be scared. It might be an older movie, but it will quickly become one of your favorite vampire movies.
John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)
ONE TOO MANY & IT SHOWS
This was cringe-worthy. I love Keanu Reeves & have been watching him since the 80's, but this was obviously one too many. He's clearly getting old because this one is filled with oddly shaped, gargantuan guys wearing giant gogo boots so we wouldn't notice how much slower he's become. When he's fighting more than one person the one he isn't facing is doing all sorts of weird crap in an attempt to wait for him to turn around. They made 3 great movies & that's not easy to do, but this one was like the straight-to-video version. It's almost sad watching this. If he was any slower he'd be in reverse. I just hope they stop after this because I couldn't stand to watch another one. If they did the next one would be him at the nursing home. If you haven't seen it, then don't. It's like seeing that loved one sick in the hospital before they die. You were better off just not going & remembering them as they were. Same goes for this film. Just remember him for how he was in the first 3, and don't bother with this one.
Pulse (1988)
SHOWER SCENE WAS SO DUMB IT GETS A 7!
I was raised in the 80's & 90's so I love older movies, and this was great, but the stupid shower scene really irked me bad, to the point I can't get over it. You see someone you love being scalded to death in the shower, and can't get out, so you run around the house to find a friggin lamp, then you wind up, and finally smash out the glass. The back of the toilet would of been more than sufficient to smash glass, or the one of dozens of bottles and cans in the bathroom. Then, instead of getting out of the shower, or as if she had at least been injured, she slowly turns as if she was ashamed of something. It just really messed up the flow of the movie. Had the whole movie been like that I wouldn't have minded as much, but that scene, even for a movie from 1988, was just dumb. The cool part though was hearing the price of certain things back then, like a cd player for "only" $189, and a VCR tape was $60 when paid for at the movie store. The Lawrence brothers Joey and Matthew are in it. (Funny how Matt plays a neighbor kid, but they look exactly alike.) It's a fantastic movie, a lot of nostalgia. It's actually relevant in today's world. All the bad coming from all the supposed great technologies, and that people need to unplug, or disconnect before it's too late. Too late. Just prepare yourself for the idiotic shower scene, and you'll enjoy it.
The Remains (2016)
DUMB. POINTLESS. LIKE A RUN-ON SENTENCE.
I can watch a lot of cheesey movies, but this was just dumb. I have no idea what it was actually about. There was no story, the scenes seemed to repeat, and half the scenes served no purpose. I've given B-grade 80's films a higher rating. No climax, and a rushed, pointless ending after a whole movie of nothing. At one point he bashes his kid to death, but apparently it was just a dream, or a something, but that's not how they did it. You're waiting for the scream from the sisters, and the next thing you know he's at the table eating. I'm actually more confused than when I first started it. I was gonna give it a 2, but I did a 3 because technically it's not the worst movie I've ever seen, so I think a 3 is fair. But, if you're looking for a good horror movie, this isn't it. (For older people like myself you might recognize the house from the movie "House," from back in the 80's, with William Katt.)
Arbitrage (2012)
A LITTLE OFF, BUT OKAY.
It was good, but felt rushed. That's probably because the target audience today do not have the ability to pay attention for too long, and probably wouldn't understand anyway. It's a little annoying considering the main character is supposed to be some big time billionaire, but apparently he has no connection, no power, no pull, and the really really expensive attorneys he can afford are too incompetent to order a photo to be analyzed that their Clint claims is a fake, and instead tell him he has to deal. Huh? An attorney worth less than half of this one would've been all over it, but not the supposed high price attorney. We already know for a fact that in this country anyone with that much money is above the law, and that in reality those cops never would've even met him with all the attorneys he would have on them. Instead, we're to believe that he's just a regular guy like the rest of us, just a nicer wardrobe, and that the law is fair. That's why I gave it a 6, because it's not even close to what would've really happened.
Singularity (2017)
COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH MORE.
I'm hoping this was someone's first movie, in which case it's not that bad. If not, then wtf were they thinking? Maybe in Switzerland this was great, but it's impossible to get past the two main characters- "Katniss Conner" & her soyboy sidekick. It's a great idea, but poorly executed. It's supposed to be 100 yrs after most people were wiped out, and two supercomputers running the show send some soyboy who looks like he just came from school so he can meet a girl who looks like Katniss, and is wearing a tailor fitted leather outfit, and carrying around a bunch of expensive, brand new weapons, with shiny jewelry to boot. Almost no people for 100 yrs & she looks like everything just happened 3 days earlier. I've seen this before, a while ago, but I forgot what it was about. I'm 30 mins into & I suddenly remember why I forgot about it.
Tentacoli (1977)
CAME BEFORE JAWS!!
A lot of people who must be young because only they would say something without verifying anything, and expect it to be believed. It can't be a Jaws rip-off when it came out a year BEFORE JAWS did. Ooops! It's a good movie for the times, and is still better than the crap today before the liberals got ahold of everything. I watched this as a kid & was terrified. It doesn't have a bunch of naked women, gore & vulgar language in it but they didn't need to rely solely on those things to keep people's attention back then. Anyone giving it a bad rating has probably grown up in the CGI era. You won't find that here. Practical effects back then.
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
UH, OK?
I'm another supposed non-intelligent person who can't appreciate the grandiose of this film. I've only been involved in art since I was a child, and have seen well over 5000 movies, but I guess it didn't help me to see what's so great about it? If it wasn't labeled as a movie, then I would understand. It's more like an art project for a professional. Yes, it's definitely a visual gem, but poor acting. Actually, the best acting came from the guys in monkey suits at the beginning. They were really good, and a few times I forgot I was watching people in costumes. Other than that, I think it's like the band "Rush," and how you gotta be into music to really like them. I love every aspect of movie-making, but this was too much. I guess you can equate it to Hughes' "Hell's Angels." Visually stunning, drawn-out movie.
Autómata (2014)
DUMB!
This is just an annoying movie from start to finish. He spends half of the movie trying to get away from the robots that are trying to save his life, and back to the people who want him dead. Even the very end after they kidnap his wife and child, kill his boss, and try to kill him, when he's saved by a machine he grabs a gun and is ready to shoot it, like the idiot he's been the whole time. Like expecting a 100 yr old vehicle that's been sitting in the desert for just as long, to be drivable. The robots are supposed to have become sentient beings, but still won't do anything to save themselves. It's an overused story, and not executed very well. Sometimes having big names in movies doesn't mean it's going to be worth watching. I am a huge fan of B-grade, and old 80's movies, especially the cheesy ones, and I think this movie was just dumb. That's not good.