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Reviews
Troy (2004)
More Brad Pitt than I ever wanted to see,
Tryo was supposed to be a movie about war, what does war involve? Lots of killing, arrows, yelling, gernal manly stuff that I go to movies like this to see. However, while troy had an marginal amount of these elements, it also included some unwanted visuals.
This movie has more skin than an episode of baywatch, except instead of cute lady lifeguards we have to see acres of Brad Pitt's oily flesh. If you've every wanted to know what Legolas's butt cheeks looked like, here's your chance. I felt my masculinity threatened by this movie's very presence.
Seriously, these guys can't even fight a good old fashioned duel, without ruining it by prancing around like fairy's! How can you ruin a sword fight? The only thing in movies that we men cherish is action! By why oh why taint this aciton by taking everyones' pants?!?
Other than that, it was great!
The Samurai Has Spoken!
The Ring (2002)
A Scary Horrer Movie? How did that happen?
The Horrer Genre over the years has degredated into teenage supermodels running around half naked in the woods being picked off by Axe murderers. Somewhere along the line people forgot that Horrer movies were suposed to scare you beyond a few startles. Enter: the Ring, this movie was an exelent example of what a horrer movie SHOULD be. It's not just another blood and guts slasher flic, in fact the movies suceeds in scareing the crud out of you wihtout showing more than a few drops of blood in the entire film. The ring follows a female reporter who investigates a mystrios video that suposadly kills you seven days after you watch it. After veiwing the video, she finds out not only that it's real but that it kills you in the most horrible way possible: It scares you to death. Victems of the video are found with a horrible looks of terror etched on thier face. Not only does this woman have to figure out how to survive the vieo by solving it's mysteries, she has to save her son who watches the video himself! The director does an exelent job of being very spooky. Scenes don't jump around like most movies, it uses very slow cuts and disoves to give the movie a very slow pace, and belive it or not the slow pace makes the film. You find yourslef stuck in a slow process of anticipation, you don't know what's going to happen, but you fearful of it. The reason this movie is so freak is it INCLUDES you as part of the film. You have to think that since you yourself saw the video, that your in the same situation as anyone else. You know that it's just a movie but in the back of your mind you can't forget what you saw and the fear is still there. Basicly your freaked out, and will stay freaked out for days after you've seen it. You won't be able to walk though a dark hallway with the same vigor ever agian. And don't think your to big a man to be freaked out this movie: that kind of man does not exist. This is the first move to ever really scare me. My advice? Check it out, you won't regret it. It's a purly entertaining, and it'll have you guessing until the very end.
Akira (1988)
DUM!! DUM!!
Dateline, 1988: A young boy with incredible powers name "Akira" destroys the world because everyone in the first Enlish dub pronoucnes his name wrong. From doing this, he dies and the always clever people of Japan freeze dry the kid's organs to preserve death and destruction for future genrations. Later, after a 33 year rebuild a young biker stumbles upon this situation while cruising Neo-Tokyo on motorcycles and hiting clowns with pipes. After being jetted off to a high-tech hospitol with an escort of milirary helecopter the street tough develops Incredible mental powers for no reason whatsover. A Cornal who controlls the entire military (Must be a small miliratry) attemps to stop the boy with Tanks, helicopter gunships and orbital cannons.. .when those fail he goes after the kid with a pistol. . .this is what you get when you leave a cornal in charge. In the end things wrap up predictably, the kid becomes so powerful that he has to be taken into another universe. . .in the process smashing his poor girlfreind and once agian ending the world. In the end, the heros survive, the credits roll over a laser-light show from another dimention, and the Japanse make a new years resolotion to stop ending the world.
What's my verdict? this move was entertaining. . .but I don't really know why! I could lie and say it was "Thrilling, engrosing, had likable realistic charaters" but it really didn't have those things. . .it just had alot of stuff crammed together with a storyline too deep for Stephen Hawkings to follow. Some movies are meat and poetatoes, some are more like cake and ice cream. This movie is somthing like a bag of pork rinds, it's not a meal. . .it's not a snack, but it fills you up and you really don't know why.
Do I recomend Akira? I guess, Do I know why? Heck no.
The Scorpion King (2002)
The Return of a missed Genre.
Skantly-clad sword weilding Babes, Magic, evil kings, dorky sidekicks, Larger than life Beefy Heros beating up hordes of evildoers, vitualy no researching into the historical periods in wich their based, what I'm describing is the lost "Sword and Sorcery" Genre of movies.
"The Scorpion King" has brought back everyhting I love (And hate) about this lost form of art-making. Not quite Kung-fu action, not quite clint eastwood action, but just the right mix of the two. And let's face it folks, what more is this thing than mindless action? It's got a cookie-cutter plot and charcters that are even more two-dimentonal but when you get down to it. . .does it really matter? Characters, stories, in this kind of film these things are just vehicles for the action.
This movie is helped greatly by the fact no one really took it seriosly, we all like to see movies like this but when they try to come off as shakespear it takes away from the experince. Movies like Army of Darkness, or Rumble in the Bronx proove we really don't have to be cool all the time. Their's nothing wrong with sacraficeing a little dignity to get a laugh, and even Dwayne Johnson dousn't mind makeing a few jokes at his own expence.
I say if you go into this movie expecting Gladiator, you'll be disapointed. However, if you go in expecting a hack & slash fest with plenty of mindless action then you'll get your seven bucks worth.
Gods and Monsters (1998)
Had Immence Unrealized Potential
I've always had a deep seeded respect for Sir Ian McKellan. He is an incredible actor who will do both artistic threature roles and Campy Pop-Culture roles (Magneto in "X-Men") with the same incredible flair. When he needs to play a villian, he's slimy and evil, when he played a hero he's powerful, and respectable. However this movie proves, that when he plays a Homosexual, he's streotypical, and exagerated.
One of the things I've always apreciated about Ian McKellan is the fact that depsite being gay he won't rub your face in it. Most homosexuals in hollywood play it for all it's worth, volenteraly typcasting theirselves, untimately discrediting homosexuals by sterotyping them as Lusty and promiscuous. Sir Mckellan refuses to do this, he acts in a dignified and mature way. He can walk in and out of an interveiw and never mention his Homosexuality once, and when he does he casualy refers to it as he would the kind of cloths he wears, or what kind of food he eats. You won't see him marching down the red carpet at the oscars wearing a rainbow bracelet and acting fruity for the cameras, giggling like a school girl and swishing around. He's not ashamed of what he is, but he won't make a big deal out of it.
However, I am not sure what to draw from his performance in this film. Like most independant films it atemps to draw atention to itself by being as controvertial as posible. It seems most of Jim Wales rather disturbing comments about his homosexuality (As well as his behavior) dosn't fit well with other scenes of him acting like a complete gentleman. It's almost obvios the screenwriter was throwing in thing to make the critics talk, instead of just writing a stable plot like they should have.
The plot was enjoyable, the characters were likable and the directing was fantastic. Sir Mckellan's performance was outstanding, as well as Brenden Fraisier, who proved he's more than gunplay and witty remarks. The movie is a solid, enjoyable production.
However, in the end I'm disapointed. Instead of leaving it an incredible story, something that empowers and inspires, it winds up being almost juvinile at some points. What could have been a film masterpeice, winds up being a novelty.
In the end I'd have to say this film missed alot of potential. It could have struck a blow against homosexual sterotypes, but by throwing in unnecessary disgusting dialogue at some points it instead does a great diservice.
I lost alot of respect for Sir McKellan, I thought he was above this.
Invincible (2001)
What the Heck did I just watch?
Okay, from the begining the very nature of the movie baffles me. A movie co-produced by Mel Gibsen and Jet Li? I know Mel Gibsen is into film makeing, and Jet Li's directon some of his own films, but for them to team up on a project is the last thing I'd expect. One could assume that Jet and Mel met on the set of Lethal Weapon 4, except that Jet Li didn't speak a word of English untill almost six months later.
Yet another thing: Billy Zane as a wise, sword-weilding martial artist? It's not like Billy boy douns't pull the part off well, it's just how in the world could someone look at Billy Zane's past roles and say "Hey, that scummy rich guy with David Warner, he would be perfect to play an immortal swordsman who saves the world!" Who even guessed the guy was the Jackie Chan type? It's like seeing Jon Clude Van Dam in a romantic comedy, deep inside you know it's not right. . .but your still seing it on screen.
This movie wasn't bad, it just didn't quite live up to it's potential. The action was adequate, the characters were somewhat likable and the story was interesting to say the least. The biggest flaw with this movie is just plain poor storytelling. One has to pay very very close atention to this flick to get any sence out of it whatsoeve. The dialogue is thin, the directing os comepltely off the wall, and the plot seems to just go by the wayside as the director seems to think you just don't need some vital parts of the story explained to you.
Overall I think this films prooves chos theory, there was no way one could predict this twisted masterpeice would even be produced. For better or worse it was, and it's at least got novelty value.
Outlaw Star (1998)
Anime Done right.
Outlaw Star, I watched this show simply becuase I came on before Batman TAS on Cartoon network and I had nothing better to do. At the time my favorate anime was DBZ (I use the word "Favorate" for lack of a better term, of all the anime I saw it was the only one I could sit through) and I dind't expenct much but a muddled, poorly translated and incredibly confuseing show like most Anime wound up being. This asumtion was wrong.
Think for a moment about Anime. . .the first things that come to your mind are usealy Spaceships, Giant Robots, good looking women and the ocatonal panty shot. While all of these things are in "Outlaw Star", the writing and directing make you feel like you've seen it for the first time. It's as if someone took everything I liked about anime and shaved off all the things I didn't like.
I can realy relate to Gene Starwind, one one hand he's your typical laser-pistol tought-as-nails space cowboy we're so used to seeing, one the hand he's a normal guy with normal everyday problems. We like seing the typical action hero kicking butt, and we can enjoy seing him acting like a real person as opposed to a two-dimentonal Buck Rogers clone.
Gene Starwind is jsut about the only typical chracter you'll see in this show. The rest of the Outlaw Star's bizare but belivable crew are anything but ordaniry. We've got Jim Hawking, a ten-year-old genius who can repair anything. Asha ClanClan, a super-strong alien cat girl who could give WWF's China a run for her money. Melfina is a loveable bio-android who sports a smart female buisiness suit and is a pretty mean cook. My personal favorate is the unbelievably Japanese Twillight Suzuka, a dealy and beautiful assasin who hangs wears a Kimono, and totes a wooden sword into battle.
Overall, I really enjoyed Outlaw Star, the story made me laugh, and I actualy cried when Harry Mcdougal died, still procraiming his love for Melfina in his last breaths. I ain't kidding folks, I was in TEARS. This story is original and unique, but also powerful and belivable.
Don't miss it.
Star Crystal (1986)
A great Sci-fi horror (not saying much)
Ah, the 80's...They brought us such wonders as Power Ballads and the Rubix cube. However, one thing from the 80's didn't survive the changes between decades, and that was SCi-fi horror (aliens not included).
Star Crystal seemed to start as a typical sci-fi, but quickly provided an initial plot twist. Not to say the story was confusing, because it was blatently obvious. In fact, the thin plot allowed you to take wagers on who'd get hacked next. The bets were up on the second placer, but the house appeared to win.
The cast of this movie was like a convention of people trying (and failing) to get into movies. Not that the poorly written dialog could ever enable them to lift off the pad.
While B-movie fans (such as myself) will enjoy the exceptionally bloody and gooey deaths, and the bucketfuls of slime everywhere, the movie does lack any kind of female scream (which is a necessity in B-movies).
The movie was a half decent horror flick until the morals took a severe 180 that nearly broke my neck. The change in the tide was the nail in the coffin that ruined something that was nearly a waste of time to begin with.
Being a connoseur of B-movies, I recommend this for B-movie-athons. (an excellent performance by someone named "The Gling")