kwhp Reviews

American Flyers (1985)

Two-Hour McDonald's Commercial

[3/10 · 11 February 2009]

..o.k., a three, maybe.

Firstly, even given the age of this dog, this movie is so-o-o-o unrealistic when it comes to the subject of bike racing. Didn't anyone get it back then? I mean, no scenes of a tight peleton or any drafting. Folks taking flyers off the front with no coordinated breaks and no teamwork to speak of. Absolutely no depiction of legitimate racing tactics, no blocking, no pacelines, etc.

But the real corker was the dialog. I mean, why pay rental bucks on this one (or even TIVO it on cable) just to watch over-the-top product placement. For example, the guy gets seduced by the girl who attributes their meeting to the fact that she had to wait for a quarter pounder at Mickey D's? C'mon.

How could Rick Denman (of "Bikes, Camera, Action", who did the racing shots in Kansas) get sucked in so bad? Hollywood infects everyone! This one's off the back and dropped like a bad habit.

Frequency (2000)

Off-frequency and out of band..

[4/10 · 29 December 2008]

On the whole, a movie that boasts intra-time communication obviously is asking for belief to be suspended and I don't quibble with that. In fact, it is an interesting plot gimmick and makes the movie somewhat entertaining.

Hey, we're not talking Oscar nominations here; just a Saturday afternoon's diversion.

But what grinds on me (an amateur radio operator) is the fact that Hollywood fails to get the basics down. I am not talking "hard technical basics" but the manner and style in which amateur radio HF communication is depicted. The initial dialog between Quaid and his son was laughable, the conversations between Quaid and other hams totally unrealistic, and the fact that Quaid's initial QSO (contact) was on 15 meter phone in the middle of the night improbable. Even during the height of a sunspot cycle, 15 meters is only rarely open. I dunno, I guess I am just a big nit-picker, but this kind of stuff is done over and over when Hollywood portrays ham radio..

..which is kind of funny, because you'd be surprised how many in Hollywood were/are hams -- er, radio amateurs. You'd think someone on the set would clue the director and writers in.

Well, that's my grumble; otherwise it's an o.k. movie.

80 Minutes (2008)

How to save 80 minutes of your life..

[1/10 · 18 December 2008]

..o.k., o.k., the "minutes" aspect of critiquing this film are growing tiresome. But, seriously, when I started viewing this movie, it became apparent that this was a dog. The characters were flat, stereotypical, and almost all (especially the protagonist) unlikeable.

Another tipoff that the director has nothing to say is his reliance on gimmicks like the unfortunate tendency to film everything in jiggle-cam like the Bourne flicks with quick cutaways and too-tight face shots. The rancid colors tend to be off-putting as well.

The whole effect was disagreeable bordering on the revolting -- and this accomplished with little or no gore.

HYPER-SPOILER ALERT!

So the protagonist owes a restaurateur friend fifteen large and he shows up to collect. The restaurateur/lender injects the protagonist with some Amazonian death drug that (of course) has been co-opted by the CIA, FBI, DIA, ATF, and other gratuitously mentioned evil government agencies and causes death in -- strangely enough -- eighty minutes. His mission is to come up with the money he owes in that time or else he will mysteriously die, the symptoms resembling a heart attack. Of course the evil lender has the antidote and will, upon being repaid the debt, provide it to the protagonist so that he can avert his grisly fate.

Bam! Off he goes, scurrying around for a majority of the movie trying to put the touch on someone yet another loan to cover his debt.

Of course this is shot at night, so there are no S&Ls or credit unions open at that hour and the guy does not own anything with any equity so a collateral loan is out of the question.

But I digress.

Anyway, he returns to his place (where the evil lender awaits) brandishing an automatic and informs him that he has located someone who will go his bail but, inexplicably, the antidote is denied him, the phial crashing on the floor.

Presumably this dooms the hero who pumps a full clip into the lender with a conveniently placed stopwatch in the lower left hand corner of the screen ticking down to zero.

..but our hero does not die. All of this fades to black and white, the lights come up, a curtain raises, and out step all all of his friends (including the lender) who sing "happy birthday" to him as part of a macabre surprise party.

Warm embraces, "I was just kidding's", and hearty handshakes, obligatory boogalooing, etc. abound as all is forgiven and the whole thing declared one damn fine joke! Were I the protagonist, I would have slammed another clip into the Glock and wasted as many of those cretins as I could.

Oh yes, how to avoid wasting 80 minutes of your life aside from watching this dreadful movie? Well, I fast-forwarded through it.

But you can just read this review and figure it out.

Headspace (2005)

Plan 9 from Headspace

[1/10 · 1 December 2008]

I am pretty much all over the map on this one, so I checked the spoiler box just to be safe. Be advised that this is only the *second* comment I have made about a movie on IMDb. I don't waste my time gushing about the movies I like, so you do the math.

I snagged this film off of the Sundance Channel for later viewing and, the time having arrived and being in possession of three-quarters of a bottle of Jack Daniels, I figured I could withstand anything. Truth be told, I did not anticipate such a bad movie although I had to pause it half way through to make a run to the corner Stater Brothers for another quart of Jack.

In any event, usually such movies start formidably with some kind of gimmick or hook and then disintegrate in the final reel. However, the wheels came off of this one straight out of the shoot. Forgive the mixed metaphors, but I am working on the last of that second bottle of JD.

I am afraid it lost me at the chess game game in the park; the protagonist shows up, loses a game to the artist, gets a headache, heads to a shrink, and people start bleeding out of their eyes.

O.k., I get it. The guy's a head case.

But as the bourbon took hold, this movie started assuming an alternate persona, if you will. You know, like when you show up at a party, have a few belts, and the revelers' true personalities start to manifest themselves.

Anyway, the scenes started to appear choppy and poorly crafted, the actors became stiff and their lines were delivered woodenly and without lilt. The characters' makeup -- makeup? -- was troweled on and, in the poor lighting of this movie, made everyone look like they had been recruited from a Ralph's parking lot for a student flick. I am afraid poor Ms Hussey fell victim to this process as well.

..then it hit me: the cheesy makeup, the goofy monster costumes, wooden actors, stilted dialog, and clumsy scenes. Ed Wood had come back and is living in the body of Andrew va der Houten.

Poor Olivia Hussey. And too bad Bela Lugosi is pushing up daisies. He coulda brought some real life to this dog.

R-Point (2004)

O.K., but seemingly would never end..

[5/10 · 20 March 2007]

A number of the negative reviews nailed it on this movie. It was nothing really special and -- while I don't particularly enjoy horror films (particularly with a lot of gratuitous gore, Al or otherwise) -- I had to watch this one in installments because it got somewhat repetitive and predictable.

Not speaking Korean, I relied on subtitles but was surprised at how pedestrian the dialog was. The members of the lost squad of Korean soldiers spent the better part of the movie calling each other "assholes" and dropping the F-bomb on each other. Now, I know these are soldiers and all that, but the writers (translators) could have made it just a little more interesting..

..recommended only if desperate and there's really *nothing* decent to watch.