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Reviews
Smokin' Aces (2006)
Stupid squared
Let me preface this by saying that I like action movies. This movie stunk. The premise of the movie is that there are a bunch of super-assassins trying to kill Jeremy Piven. The dialog is really bad. Jeremy Piven is a great actor, but even he couldn't save this thing. It was supposed to be snappy, but it all came off like it was trying too hard. The movie is really violent, but the action scenes aren't really that entertaining. The ending is awful and so contrived that I was surprised that this movie wasn't written by M. Night Shaylaman. The worst part of this movie is that there really isn't a hero to root for. Ryan Reynolds is just sort of getting shot at the whole time, and never really does anything notable. This movie is overkill. Too many villains who barely get developed before they die. I'd say avoid this movie even if you like action movies.
Babel (2006)
Steaming hot poop
Awful. Just awful. The only thing that this movie had going for it was its hatred for the American government and the fact that the different stories were "connected." People die. There's a slutty deaf chick. This is a depressing piece of crap. Violence is bad. American foreign policy is bad. Deaf chicks need sex too. Nice. Brilliant. Never thought of that. I can't believe this guy is still allowed to make movies. If you're going to have a bunch of different stories that are linked together you have to tie them together a little bit better. Yeah the slutty deaf chicks dad gave the gun to the guy who sold it to the other guy who shot brad pitt's wife, but come on. This is one of those movies with a bunch of gimmicks and stars that's supposed to be good in spite of the fact that it makes no sense whatsoever. Wow, they turned off the sound when the deaf girl was in the dance club. Brilliant. Never would have thought of that. Bunch of different stories. Really avant garde. Ugh. I can't believe this piece of crap even got made. It had some great performanes, but it did not make any sense. It's just one of those movies where you're waiting for the whole thing to get tied together, but they just end it with a note whose contents are not disclosed. Pretentious piece of garbage. Avoid at all costs. More disconnected and incoherent than this review.
Haute tension (2003)
Great modern horror movie with a bad twist ending
Wow, I really loved this film up until the end. Very violent, very well-shot, very scary. I watch a ton of horror movies and this one is very gory and suspenseful. However, the ending really doesn't make any sense. The twist ending is very popular with audiences and when executed correctly makes for an awesome experience, but this one was one of the most forced I can think of. Sort of like Swimming Pool, if you've seen that. Anyway, I really don't like to be enjoying a movie and then find out that the last hour or so were "all in the character's head." Really terrible ending, but then again, it's a horror film, and the plots are never really great, so if that's your thing you might want to check it out anyway.
The Aristocrats (2005)
Worst Ever
This movie is about one joke. The joke is not based on anything more than shocking the audience with vulgarity. The movie is like an hour and a half long version of the joke, shot poorly through a hand-held camera. If you find extreme vulgarity funny, if you laugh hysterically at the mention of poop, incest, child rape, regardless of context, then you might think this is the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life. If you are easily offended, you will hate it. If you, like me, are used to vulgarity and need more than that to be entertained, you might hate it even more than the people who were offended. This very well might be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. To call it a movie is a bit of an overstatement. It is a cobbled together montage of comedians performing this "last resort" joke, or discussing why it is funny. I was wondering why I had to pay full price when this piece of garbage probably cost 1/100th the budget of a typical film to produce. Say what you will about the major studios and their dumbed down, special-effects-laden pablum for the masses. They will never turn out a movie as shockingly bad as this.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Spielberg's Worst Ever
There is a certain amount of suspension of disbelief that goes hand in hand with watching movies in which gigantic robots take over the planet. However, the rest of the movie should make sense. War of the Worlds is almost completely devoid of a plot and even the most simple things come off awkwardly. The movie starts with an electrical storm that knocks out all electronic devices, even Tom's watch. So far so good. Then a giant robot comes out of the ground and instead of running, people just stand around watching it until they start being vaporized. Then Mr. Spielberg apparently decided to suspend the idea that electronics weren't working so he could do a really nice shot of the robot destroying things through some guy's camcorder. Great shot, too bad it should have been impossible given that everything wasn't working. The rest of the movie follows the same sort of logic, and absolutely nothing is explained. The robots are said to be buried before humans even existed. Why? So they could come out of the ground in the opening scene I guess. Sometimes the robots vaporize the humans, but then they start picking them up so that Cruise can do a little heroic scene near the end without getting turned into ash. I was really trying to love the movie. The special effects are really great and there are some really suspenseful moments, but literally nothing was explained by the end. The ending makes M. Night Shalaman's "hey we just figured out water kills them" ending look like pure cinematic brilliance. There are so many ridiculous mistakes in this film I don't even want to waste my time listing them all. I don't usually even review the films I see, but this one was so awful that I felt compelled to.
The Village (2004)
Twist ending that does not twist so much.
When I was very young our teacher read us a book called The Giver. I think it won the newbury medal. Anyways this movie was sort of similar to that only really bad. This guy is a much better director than a writer. The ending is so obvious so as to not be obvious. In other words you'll be like "aha" like 30 minutes in, and then realize that that would be way too stupid for a movie this long, and then you realize that you were right, and then the movie ends 30 minutes later. If you're going to watch it, only watch the first 30 minutes, they're pretty good and you don't need to see how it ends. Really, some good performances, good camera-work, story is crap. I really expected a lot out of it, but it was very bad.
Berkeley in the Sixties (1990)
Very boring, but also very revealing
I saw that a lot of people had positive comments about this film. I personally cannot believe anyone took the people on this film seriously unless one is pro-protest because that is the only thing that the people in this film do consistently. I had to watch this movie for class and am currently writing a paper on it. I am currently a student at Cornell University in Ithaca NY which is probably one of the most liberal places in the United States. In class we are often beaten over the heads with professor's liberal political beliefs, so naturally when I began watching this movie I expected more of the same. More of the same was exactly what I did not get. This documentary is surprisingly unbiased, portraying the student population in Berkeley for exactly what it was: A bunch of naive rich kids who had nothing better to do than protest. The people in the film protest for peace then they protest for the Black Panthers, they advocate peaceful protest, then they riot. The Black Panthers interviewed detail how they used the students to organize their rallies, and sold them General Mao's red book so that the could pay for guns. One of the last protests in the film shows when the hippies built a park on land that Berkeley owned, and then claimed ownership of it because they had improved it. When Berkeley bulldozed it they held a violent riot. The film makers, without any editorial comment, are able to show just how misguided these people were. While one might not be willing to sit through two hours of pretentious baby-boomers talking about how justified they were in their protest, it is occasionally funny to see just how stupid these college educated people can be. Watching people who protest for peace back up the black panthers, and then riot is probably one of the most ironic things I have ever seen. If you attend a liberal arts university like I do, you might have heard enough of this drivel, but if not, this film is most certainly for you.