gregorybryanparmer Reviews

The Pope's Exorcist (2023)

WE NEED A PART 2, 3, 4, 5, & 6!

[10/10 · 11 April 2024]

This film is just more proof of how awesome Russell Crowe is.

He can take a script this small and make the entire movie go from a minor streaming service event to a theatric cult classic! L. A. Confidential (1997) The Insider (1999) and State of Play (2009) were his best films, in my personal opinion, but-damn if I don't absolutely LOVE him as a Satan ass-whooping, exorcist priest of the Vatican! Please, please, please, please, give us a sequel! You set this film up for one...so let's have it!

Yes, I know at the end of the film it said, "and Father Gabriel Amorth went on and continued his job until he passed away in 2016.... blah blah blah." But this flick was set in 1987, so that means you can write sequels for days! So, do it! Teamed up with Father Esquibel, those sequels could be epics at the theatre.

Have these cats perform exorcisms and toss in a few werewolves and vampires. Big bucks, baby! Old school Hollywood is calling!

How this amazing piece of work only has a 6.1 rating defies rationality. It's clearly being rated by more Citizen Kane (1941) wanna be film students. Just wait until the right people see it. It will truly become the cult classic it deserves to be. You'll see!

Before concluding, I would also like to say that I absolutely loved the jokes. When Father Gabriel Amorth said "the devil hated jokes, so tell jokes." Remind you of something, recent? Think of our jokeless, always sensitive society. Get it, yet? This movie has POWER! I love it, baby! Love it!

Keep the sequel budget reasonable and make sure you advertise on X, Facebook, & YouTube and I firmly believe you can bring in some nice sequel filthy lucre.

The Holdovers (2023)

One fine film

[10/10 · 11 November 2023]

Quick question(s): Do you like Alexander Payne flicks? Do you like Paul Giamatti even one of ten on a ten scale? Do you like emotional films? Well, brothers & sisters you have picked yourself a winner here! If you look at this film and really examine the script, you'd see for yourself that this is one hell of a grouping of words to memorize for an on camera and you'd offer nothing but respect to these actors. This was just outstanding work.

It was an emotional film, with emotional music, set in an emotional era for Baby Boomers, 1970-1971. I promise if you buy a ticket to this film (I just watched it late night 10:40pm on a Friday whilst everyone else was watching The Marvels) you will find something that you truly enjoy about it. If you don't want to leave the theatre scratching your head, catch up on your classical studies. 10/10.

Pump Up the Volume (1990)

Epic Teen Angst Film & Introduction to the Real World

[10/10 · 18 September 2023]

"Time, time, time See what's become of me While I looked around for my possibilities." "I was so hard to please Look around Leaves are brown And the sky is a hazy shade of winter."

Why quote Hazy Shade of Winter lyrics from The Bangles? Isn't that Less than Zero (1987) soundtrack? Yes! Yes, it is! But that flick was only three years prior. Feeling old, yet? Haha!

Don't feel alone. I am forty-six and will soon be forty-seven years of O-L-D.

Overworked and underpaid my entire filthy, miserable life.

Just...Grungy, dusty, wrinkly, post heart attack death-old man, covered in illnesses that only the Lord himself could repair.

So, why does GEN-X love Pump Up the Volume (1990) so much?

This started it all, kids.

This almost "thirty-four" years old film, started the grunge scene on the mainstream scale. This film opened doors and minds to the possibilities of "differences" and going against the grain.

This film is why you are able to run around bitching about your supposed problems, whilst you actually have none.

The real problems were dealing with The Boomers in this era.

They were grouchy, burned-out hippies, that became overly conservative, Reagan worshipping, numbskulls, who were almost impossible to talk to and only satisfied if you agreed with them and their personal choices.

Now, at deaths door, most of them are actually fun to hang with. I don't want to say they got soft, but somebody or something sure as hell shoved them into the dryer with the Snuggles sheets and loosened up their core since 1990.

If you were there, you know what I mean. You had to have lived it, to really understand the pain.

Kids today have problems too, sure! You have high rent, low pay, and most people treat you like barcoded robots.

But GEN-X will always love you. Gen-X knows pain. This movie signifies the beginning of that pain and introduces you to why our music became so popular. This is the steppingstone of underground rap and grunge rock. This soundtrack covers so much, you could write a book on just the tunes scored in this flick.

I have personally talked to girls in my age group about this film that were high school cheerleaders & prom queens, all the way down to the punk rock chick who was always being suspended for holding a switchblade in P. E. class, right on over to the high school starting quarterback.

They all had heart for this film.

They all understood the prerequisite of it.

They all comprehended the rebellion.

They were introduced to Lenny Bruce, which led them to Derrida, Jung, Foucault, Guattari, Deleuze, Chomsky, Dr. Cornel West, among other great rebel writers and comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, & Bill Hicks.

The pissed off, angsty Gen-X kids, were introduced to bands like, Concrete Blonde, Pixies, Liquid Jesus, Henry Rollins, Soundgarden, Sonic Youth, to rap writers like Cold 187 and Laylaw.

There were subjects discussed with H. H. H that were just not discussed in our overly conservative, day to day lives. Things that needed to be said but were kept secret. There were closet kids killing themselves. There were do-righters wanting to jump off bridges because they just couldn't deal with the pressures of being Miss/Mr. Perfect all the time.

Bottom line, there were people living such fake lives to fit in, they reconditioned their own DNA to be somebody else to please a Baby Boomer parent or guardian or some teacher at some school that only got paid well if they graded high on end of year examinations.

College entrance rates were much lower than they are today. Most people didn't even know that they could go to college. They mostly just worked hard labor jobs or joined the military to make a few Elite Boomer cats rich off oil money. It was a hard time to be a teenager, and this movie identified with us. It became our magnum opus of film documentary without being classified as such.

And those of us that utilized our newfound "freedom of speech" courage, found within this flick, certainly paid the price. Instead of being rewarded with wondrous groups of people that would work a street for us and protest, we were rewarded with low paying jobs and social damnation. Instead of trophies and diplomas, we were just screwed for life.

Was it worth it? Well, P. J. O'Rourke said, "my freedom of speech stimulates your freedom to tell me I'm wrong." But once my social surrounding figured out what "side" I was on, they condemned my speech before it even had a chance to be delivered. So, they won the overall game, to say the least.

Today, in 2023, this film ought to be rolled in on a cart to each classroom across America and shown to every student from ages 13-18. This is the best version of satisfying teen angst that you'll ever get from a film.

It was 10/10 in 1990 and is still 10/10 in my old man heart in 2023 and will be on my final death bed listed as one of my all-time favorite memories of life.

Somebody was out there that finally understood me for once. Just once, I had a companion that I could really depend on. Just once, I had a mate that understood my weird music choices and my dislike of corporate mainstream and muddle while simultaneously filling my gorge with proper chaos.

Never did I ever, relate to such a character, before watching this film as a pissed off teen. So, here's to 33 going on 34 years H. H. H. Cheers! Have some Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi and Black Jack chewing gum and crank up the tunes.

It's gotta be cool to still be cool 33 years later.

A Haunting in Venice (2023)

Not a "Horror" film

[8/10 · 18 September 2023]

Like: The cinematography is average. Kenneth's acting is pleasant. The cups of tea looked realistic for the era. The visuals were nice as well as the overall tone. The script was adequate.

Dislike: Tina Fey (Ariadne Oliver) & the too big for his britches psychopathic doctor's child, Jude Hill (Leopold Ferrier).

Tina just needs to stick to comedy writing like, "Bossypants." I'm sorry to say this, because I've always been a fan of Tina since I first saw her on SNL, but her constant changing of accents just left an additional bad taste in my popcorn.

The kid was just annoying. He partially reminded me of the kid from Scary Movie 3 (2003) Drew Mikuska (Cody) who now has a master's in musical scoring, and some sort of Oxford Grad wannabe version of Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone (1990) who's still a quite talented actor and just a swell dude to hang with. But the difference between these two cats and Jude, is I watch their movies all the time and I don't think I could sit through this once again, unless it was for a really, really, close personal friend or companion....and then I'm just helpless and have to be Mr. Nice Guy.

Very rarely do I give movies less than a 10/10 rating (you can check my history for yourself). But this flick will get less because of smarty pants, too big for his britches Jude & too many accents Tina. Did they even have a rehearsal, or did they just whip out an iPhone and start filming this?

I will say this for the kid: If his role was to be a smarty pants and annoy the audience, then he scores a 100% A+ on the grade book. Maybe I'm just overlooking that possibility, and if so, this is my emotion on that choice as well. My hidden "rhizome."

8/10 so far, 9/10 if the kid was supposed to be annoying.

Let us continue...

I'm not saying the film is garbage. In fact, I want you to go buy the ticket and see it for yourself on the "BIG" screen. The whole film would have greatly improved if Kelly Reilly would have just played all the female parts. She had passion and desire and quite literally helped Kenneth save the rest of the rating rewarded on this film. She also maintained one accent. Bravo! Bravo!

And by the way, in 2023, this is not a "horror" film.

It's a "murder mystery." Saw X is horror.

You might get more customers if you advertise properly. I heard several ladies in theatre line say they were going to the Greek Wedding gig because they "don't do horror." Had they'd have known that this was a who done it, perhaps they would have changed tickets. Money talks and bs walks. Don't bs the public with false advertisement. In the end, it will just hurt your Hollywood pocketbooks. For your additional information, these were wealthy, Dallas, Texas, "oil check" wives. You catch my drift, amigo?

Hey man, let it hang...just make sure you reach down and give the Ol' hog a push to the left every once in a while. Remind yourself why you are making the film in the first place. Was it artistic fun? Or did you do it for money? No matter what happens in America on American soil, I always follow the money, even if it was filmed in Venice & London, the "movie biz" is 100% American, and 100% about money.

When you make the other flicks in the future from A. Christie, just make sure your actors maintain a solid accent during the entirety of the film, and ditch the too big for his britches kid role.

Please enjoy my honesty. 8/10. Sincerely, G.

Bottoms (2023)

Bottoms was Tops

[10/10 · 9 September 2023]

I'm a middle-aged, (age 46) white, straight guy. I guess you could say I'm not in this film's top demographics.

I kind of felt like Bottoms (2023) started off as a lesbian nod to Superbad (2007) which in no way is a bad film and one of my personal favorites. The girls in Bottoms (2023) have harmony and determination, and they want to see those pinky's and there's nothing on this earth that is going to stop them.

Once the film really gets Poppin,' you develop an almost personal friendship with these girls in the beautiful realm of fiction. I.e., you're really kind of rooting for them to be bad girls yet you are seeing the true importance of their earned friendships.

They create a bond with some unlikely girls in their school and experience the typical ups & downs of social commentary, including some rather unsafe spaces of verbal jabs.

Being a GEN-Xer, I'm certainly not a virgin when it comes to social commentary. After all, I grew up to flicks by John Hughes, like Sixteen Candles (1984), Weird Science (1985), The Breakfast Club (1985), and Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) just to name a few.

There's really not much you can toss at me in this realm of fiction that I haven't already been exposed to.

But Bottoms (2023) goes a bit deeper than that by quite frankly doing the opposite. They know you've heard the story before. What you haven't done is receive it from them directly; and therein lies the artistry.

Very rarely do I decide so early in a film that everyone was important. These cats just acted like they were born to act with each other and made this film function. Rachel Sennott, Ayo Edebiri, Havana Rose Liu, Ruby Cruz, (Hazel, my personal favorite) Kaia Gerber, Miles Fowler, Marshawn Lynch, and even Punkie Johnson, just stole the screen with each little line. It all functioned. It all worked.

I gave this flick a 10/10 because I really appreciate going into a film with low expectations and being thoroughly surprised with the outcome.

I'm rooting for a sequel when the girls go off to college, and I hope they keep Ruby Cruz (Hazel) in the cast. They really could turn this into a film series like American Pie (1999) and all of its sequels and prequels if they really utilize that pen work and get busy while the buzz is still fresh.

A+ girls! A+!

Haunted Mansion (2023)

"When you wish upon a star," Jersey Mike's knows where you are! Haha!

[10/10 · 2 August 2023]

Haunted Mansion (2023) What else can be said? Aside from the overabundance of marketing "winks" like CVS paper and pens and Burger King Jalapeno Poppers that look like "tater tots," I halfway expected Danny DeVito to run down the hall of the mansion with a Jersey Mike's sub sandwich. Hahaha! But the overuse of marketing nods became a part of the comedy-device, repetition. And let's just be honest here, films need to make money. I really enjoyed this element of the film and look forward to using some of the places mentioned by the marketing department; especially those poppers.

I will say that for a 9:55pm showing, I did not expect so many kids in the theatre, and most of them seemed to really have a jovial experience minus one that cried during a particular emotional scene where one of the adults in the film was crying. Kids like to mimic actors. Who would've thought? {That's me being sarcastic}

Anyhow, the movie placed within the confines of its Disney genre was well worth the price of admission. Lots of action and excitement and a bit of romance. Disney loves to zero in on romance whenever possible. What can I say here but Disney is in love with love. Go figure?

As usual, Cinemark's seats were comfy and soft and felt like a home away from home. The candy was fresh and the Slurpee {Icee or Freezee} was ice cold and delicious. Tuesday at the theatre is half off admission days, but this flick was clearly worth its salt on a full-priced scale.

Tiffany Haddish, Owen Wilson, and Danny DeVito all played excellent comic reliefs, while Rosario Dawson, LaKeith Stanfield, Chase Dillon, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jared Leto, J. R. Adduci, all played a bit more serious sides, tossing out a joke or two when necessary.

The film was PG-13 rated, but I do not recall any foul language, so this is clearly a fun night out with your kiddos before they have to run back to Fall Semester schooling. I believe they have a couple of weeks left before classes start, so they'd probably really enjoy you taking them to see this one.

Haunted Mansion (2023) really does show its weight in the expense of production, one-fifty big ones, and some of the graphics and drawings that take place within the film's art are truly satisfying. Mansion is also a great choice for a date night, because it opens up a nice post film conversation.

The overall ratings on this film would certify it a flop, but I disagree.

Sometimes films are just made to be a certain way and this film wanting to tackle more of an adult issue, particularly lost love, is probably just not registering with some audience members, and certainly a bit deeper than what you'd commonly expect from Walt Disney Studios not in cartoon format. However, multiple stories were being overlapped which should have given the viewer an ample fulfillment.

I personally felt that the film worked, and it was exciting. I don't know about you fine folks, but when I go to the theatre, I want to escape. I don't want to watch NBC News stories drag out for two to three hours. I want pure, unadulterated fiction. Maybe that makes me different, or alternative, or weird in some way, but it is the truth within me that speaks freely through film review.

If you like high production & escape, then this one is for you. So, Thank You, Disney! If nobody else admires your work, the kid in me always will, and the adult in me will always "buy a ticket and take the ride."

And I look forward to seeing the other films in the trailers shown before the flick started...and I give you a Scouts Promise, that I will order some poppers before the week is over and stop by CVS. Haha!

Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)

A++

[10/10 · 13 July 2023]

On the XD screen tonight was Dead Reckoning, Part One (2023). This film is so good, it creates a new hormone in your body to stimulate whilst it teaches you about the fowl, behind the scenes actions going on around the world over future, total control. After all of this film time and edge of seat stimulation that never seems to stop, you are reminded that this is just PART ONE! "Holy Toledo, Batman!" This is one powerhouse that lovers of Fallout (2018) will quickly appreciate. Conclusion: I can hardly wait to see the finale, and Vanessa Kirby is a dreamboat as usual. So hot and such kissable, cute cheeks. For the people involved in making Mission Impossible films: Please stay alive forever because the world will absolutely be garbage without summertime films like this one. 10/10. I didn't think anything could top Fallout (2018) I saw that one in Bristol, UK, but you managed to just keep getting more amazing. Thank you for keeping the cast and crew and staying loyal to the fans. I will be in line for Part Two if my lungs are breathing life. A++

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

A Lifetime of Indiana Jones

[10/10 · 30 June 2023]

I reminisce seeing all the Indiana Jones films at the theatre as a kid. I always thought that someday, I'd be an old man and look back at all the memories of film in absolute contentment, or at least for my time frame and position in life, as pleased as I can be. I feel very old and very pleased at the end of the latest Indiana Jones installment.

I feel like there was an underlined meaning in this Dr. Jones flick about time and contentment, or at the very least, dealing with whatever thought you have about it all. It's inevitable to grow old and die, but it is still a subject that grabs men often and then they wonder if it was all just wasted and worthless, or did it truly mean something worthwhile, whether religious or philosophical.

This Indiana Jones film was action packed and loaded with a decent script, that journeyed further than it had to, to impress the true fans of Indiana Jones. I'm not a gambling man, but I am willing to bet that even the people that claimed to not be impressed with the last installment of Indiana Jones can at least agree that the story wrapped up and made sure to cover any loose ends more than adequately.

I for one, thoroughly enjoyed the film, (10/10) and look forward to seeing it a few more times before it leaves the box office.

Thanks for the memories, Mr. Ford/Dr. Jones, longtime cast/crew! You always helped sad & lonely men escape the harsh world for a bit of joy. As for GEN-X men in particular, we were very lucky to have all the late 70s and 1980s icons that we had, and films that have stood the test of time.

And there is no number of rewards that could be manufactured for you that would be sufficient for your lifetime of achievements.

For GEN-X there will only ever be one Indiana Jones, and you wrapped it up better than I imagined. God Bless You All.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Honor Among Clean

[10/10 · 30 March 2023]

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves is a f-a-m-i-l-y f-i-l-m. To be quite honest, I'm surprised that it even received a PG-13 rating. It was loaded with family loss, family gain, potential future romance(s) and a very family friendly storyboard. This movie was as clean as a fresh coat of paint. How clean was it? It was so clean a nun could eat off it.

I honestly was expecting a film based in D&D to be a bit dirtier, but I'm quite delighted it ended up this clean. I was just thinking the other day about the really cool movies I got to grow up with and how clean they were compared to some of the flicks I watched in the last couple of decades.

This is good. It still works and you will enjoy your time in the theatre. And thank about all those kids that want to see films. Now, they can go see something that's not so vulgar that they'd be too embarrassed to watch it with their folks. THIS IS GREAT! 10/10 for the clean Paramount!

There were many "dad jokes," or "clean jokes," within the film and one of which was about the straight line that a typical Paladin walks. I personally laughed pretty hard at this joke and got some strange looks in the process. Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

If you keep in mind that D&D Honor Among Thieves is a clean film, I believe you will clearly enjoy it. If you go expecting tons of blood, pals at brothels, lots of drinking until drunk, and other experimental wizardries or nudity; you will be highly disappointed.

In my personal opinion, this flick was clean enough for a kindergartener. And maybe that's just what Hollyweird needed. A little something for the CLEAN minds of the kids.

I watched the first viewing today, March 30th, at 3:00pm, in XD, and I feel like it was worth every penny. The kosher beef hotdog, the candy box, the drink, and the ticket were all full prices; about $36 Americano.

The reason I mention this is because I watched John Wick 4 on Tuesday for $6.50 and felt like I robbed the universe. What a flick that was! But it was definitely not PG-13! If you take the kids to see John Wick 4, be prepared to do some parental explaining about mafia laws, assassin organizations, secret societies, lots of blood and gore, and how some puppy dogs are trained to be vicious ball and hog snatchers. Like I said, definitely not PG or PG-13.

Let's review: #1 This is a family movie...real PG.

#2 Lots of silly clean "dad" jokes #3 Family bonding and talks and understandings of friendships. Great growing up ethics.

#4 Clearly written for kids: pre-teens and teens.

#5 Still very enjoyable but very clean #6 Sometimes clean is good.

#7 You will enjoy the clean #8 Go on...go buy a ticket.

#9 Heck, buy a bunch of tickets and watch it two or three times. It's a real good time.

#10 Do not get angry with Paramount. They needed to make a film for the young folks in the world. If you are a GEN-Xer like me, you can appreciate the days of Willow (1988) and similar clean flicks. You know you miss them, and Paramount really made this final edit work. Clearly a 10/10 Just Excellent!

The Gentlemen (2019)

"That's Entertainment"

[10/10 · 25 February 2023]

Boy howdy, Guy Ritchie knows how to make an actor act! This flick is like The Beatles. You take away even one beat and it messes up the whole tune, you picking up what I'm laying down? I am so happy seeing this film sit at a positive 7.8 rating in late February 2023. It's such a buildup; old gangster ideology with new gangster philosophies.

Example: Back in my old school play days, a gangster would say stuff like: A human soul is like an apple with some bruises, baby. And sometimes, you have to trim off the bruises to see what's crisp and delicious. Always look at your enemies this way. Because one day, your enemies just might be your best cohorts in a larger business.

Now, I realize being a 46-year-old Valentine, this may seem old and dusty. But I can assure you, these are good terms to live by, plus a bit of Good Book reading, you dig? In common speak: Michael Pearson obeyed this old ideology with Lord George. I respect that.

I swear sometimes that Ritchie can read minds, but you really have to give up some credit to Ivan Atkinson & Marn Davies here. What a story! It just glides across the screen like Superman slowing down the planet rotation. Brilliant, actually. I don't think we give enough credit to the TEAM of writers sometimes; you know?

I hope everyone enjoyed this flick as much as I did. I'd love to be a part of a Guy Ritchie flick, even if I was just the coffee boy. But I've got so many stories that could perhaps be ballpein through some Hollyweird metal.

You probably have already heard about a remaining Stones & Beatles tour by now, right? Well, just imagine if Ritchie worked on a film with Tarantino & Kevin Smith. Or if all these cats worked with Ruben Fleischer on Zombieland 3. We'd see a crack in the universe, but it would be one string theory ride with an amazing soundtrack.

I know I'm a weird cat, but nobody pays me to be and that's the beauty of it all, isn't it?

Call each other...please. Now, "That's Entertainment!"

Zombieland: Double Tap (2019)

Do NOT wait ten years for 3

[10/10 · 20 February 2023]

First one, 2009. Second one, 2019. Third one, scheduled for 2029. Do Not wait ten years in between for each film, this is pure madness!

Let us see "3" IN 2023!

I need some smooth shooting, Twinkie hunting, Tallahassee. I need some sneaky, smoke-show Wichita. I need some learning the ropes Little Rock. But most of all, I need some brilliant, storytelling, rule documenting, Columbus.

I need my Zombie flick in 2023 not 2029!

Surely you cats can come up with a third flick this year, so your biggest fans don't TURN INTO A ZOMBIE before the third one. And after the third flick, make a fourth, fifth, sixth, heck; make a seventh Zombieland. I honestly believe that you can never make enough of these films.

Even the people who claim they do not like the Zombieland movies, actually LOVE the Zombieland movies.

Turn that camera on, grab those guns and Twinkies, paint a #3 Dale Earnhardt tribute number on the side of a pick-up truck with 4x4 tires and get to zombie killin' & call up John Waters and see if you can get him to play a short part (dude's a legend).

There's so much you can keep on doing with Zombieland. Don't let it stop! There's always some rich dude ready to pay for these movies. Why? Because they know what the people want. They know what the people need. Let's get it crack-a-lacking!

Toss in some trains and boats and dirt bikes. Throw in a snowstorm or a hurricane. Whatever you make, whatever you produce in Zombieland 3, WILL BE enjoyed by the fans.

*For the opening scene, make sure you zoom in on the #3 being painted on the ride the zombie slaying group chooses. You know, Zombieland 3 .... zoom in on the 3.....crank up the rock n roll. Maybe you can open the flick with "Cruisin' For a Love," by J Geils.

You'll have the Gen-Y & Z and Alpha cats going crazy over such a great tune.

You cannot fail making this flick, but you need to make it happen before 2029.

As for Double-Tap; loved it obviously. I never turn off 1 or 2 when they pop up on the tele. Mad respect. Just really excited about a third one and wish to see it come out THIS year. Cheers.

The Dead Don't Die (2019)

Saw this one many moons ago, but it was on FX tonight

[9/10 · 20 January 2023]

I saw this flick many moons ago closer to the time it was released. I gave it a nine of ten. Why not a ten? Because they killed off the entire cast! I was thinking of what a great script I could personally write for a sequel and then proceeded to watch everyone die. Why? Why would you kill everyone and not leave room for a sequel? Well, hopefully we can get a Zombieland 3 before 2029. Zombie movies are fun. People love to go to the local theatre houses and grab some popcorn and watch zombie flicks. This movie was not terrible and the writing was done this way on purpose. I just WISH it left someone alive to bring back for a sequel and not as a zombie. That's all.

The Bard's Tale (2004 Video Game)

One of my favorites of all time

[10/10 · 1 January 2023]

I just ran through The Bard's Tale (2004 Video Game) again in the last few days of 2022. I usually chose Fionnaoch at the end, {voiced by Charles Dennis} but I like having multiple options. But what's really fun at the end, is when you are able to ask "advice" from the summons. They all have different ideas, but the ogre-looking healer, is the only one that knows the truth. Cary Elwes & Tony Jay made this game a masterpiece! 10/10! I always wondered why they never made a sequel. Tony Jay has passed away, so the narrator would have to be different. I know it's almost impossible to replace Tony jay, but surely someone would want the position. How about Ricky Gervais? It's not like it would be impossible to make a sweet, Nintendo Switch, 2023 download version by the Summer for a reasonable price. ARPG is making a comeback. Pay attention marketing people who like MONEY.

Better Off Dead (1985)

Paramount Plus + Showtime

[10/10 · 27 December 2022]

It's on Paramount Plus + Showtime right now! Woo-Hoo!

The breaking up is hard to do songs always coming on the radio. The mom who cannot cook a meal to save her life. Having to stand beside the ex at the school chalkboard, to the car racing cats from a foreign country.

All of this film including Booger with a different name and having attended the high school for seven and a half years, plus having a serious "snow" snorting habit. After all, it is "pure snow."

Right on down to the math teacher wanting to pork Cusack's ex, and the aardvark jacket. All of this film is just a cherished 80's memory. And whatever you do, don't forget Taylor Negron (Rest in Peace) as the horny mailman also asking to date (Tina from Nightmare On Elm Street} Beth.

I still want to learn how to pick up trashy women and build a space shuttle because of this flick. And who didn't like the Van Halen bit?

Good Times!

This CLASSIC FILM is pure gold for anyone from GEN-X and a few Late Boomers. Thanks, Savage Steve!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

How is this film still a 6.2/10?

[10/10 · 10 December 2022]

With the new Indy film coming out June 30th, 2023, I decided to review Crystal Skull for my own records. I promise to keep the review short and to the point in case anyone else reads the review.

This film has it all! Shia LaBeouf was exceptional in this film. Just absolutely exceptional! The era, the soundtrack, the jokes, the scenery, Mise-en-scène of Area 51 and the nuke, the old Lindbergh era planes, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, John Hurt, Ray Winstone, all of it. Hell, even Igor Jijikine was necessary in this flick. It all just worked.

How on earth can anyone call this film boring, or the least exciting of the Indiana Jones films? It was incredible!

Remember the café scene? "Get that greaser!" Haha! "Shake Rattle n Roll, Daddy'O! I LOVED THIS FILM! LOVED IT! Just for spite, I'm going to watch it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again; until it becomes a cult classic. I already have plans to see the new Indy film in theatre's at least seven times.

Why? Because I'm a spiteful, film-loving turd.

I'm not going to let bad reviews spoil my remaining few years of life. Maybe I will get lucky and live long enough for the Mallrats (1995) sequel, the last Tarantino flick, and can carry myself off to the other world, The Twilight Zone {it's a joke I have going on the other side during my last death} and before going back to that final resting tree with my childhood puppy Buster the Beagle, I can dream about movies that I wanted to be a physical part of, and my other dream of actually having freedom and owning a house (thanks 1980's labor union busting Boomers).

But until that last breath, I'm going to continue to enjoy awesome movies like this one and "turn a deef ear" to the film-haters who waste their time talking smack about great films such as this.

Thank You, David Koepp, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg. There are people in GEN-X that still adore you and I guess always will.

Even by that weird looking tree with blue fruit on the other side. Hope to see you there! Thank you for all the escape from the cruel, cold, backstabbing, and vicious world. There are no emoji's here...so just imagine a heart or two for you cats. Cheers!

Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022)

Pays homage to GI Joe Cartoon at film's beginning

[10/10 · 14 November 2022]

There are many things to like about an auto-bio type flick such as this one. But one of the funniest Easter Eggs I found was 23:41 into the film. About the time when Harry Potter-Al goes to see the record executives and Actual-Al plays one; Will Forte plays the other, they look like the Crimson Twins from GI Joe, Tomax & Xamot. Why did I find this to be important? Because GI Joe was important in the eighties. "I pity the fool who don't miss GI Joe cartoon!" Next, Harry Potter-Al goes to a place to perform called, "THE COBRA PIT." Is this a coincidence?

Only a TRUE NERD would notice this. So, if you also noticed what I noticed at the first of the film, then be happy. You are a true nerd.

Then.... Who shows up to play the Sleezy MC? Michael McKean! Yeppers! And who didn't dig McKean in Better Call Saul, (2015-2022) and Clue (1985) as Mr. Green. McKean alone, would be worth the price of admission to this flick at a local Cinemark.

And that reminds me, why on earth did you broadcast this film for free? I would have gladly paid $15 bucks for a ticket to see this funny movie, plus extra for Slurpee & Sour Patch Kids. This was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the extreme level that the gag ended up going to in its overall conclusion and I look forward to seeing it again, but hopefully next time at a theater where it belongs. 10/10.

Clerks III (2022)

Here it is...you want the truth?

[10/10 · 14 September 2022]

Want to know what a 45 year old white guy has to say about Clerks 3? Well, right now, I'm trying not to cry between the public theatre and my own apartment.

Are you kidding me, Kevin?

Why did you go and make the best film I've ever seen in my entire life when I'm this old?

I have survived two heart attack deaths so I understand the depression and desires that follow them. I also had a 100% blockage on my last one, 20% survival rating and had the same through crotch doo-hickey performed. And once open, I could also breathe.

This film was too close to me.

Way too close to me.

This was close to me not because of the two heart attack deaths I had, but because the two people I have loved the most in life had to deal with them.

As a convenient clerk for most of my miserable life I knew that if anyone could understand me It'd be those two Jersey boys, Dante and Randal.

But more than that, the writer of those cats, Kevin Smith, and his awesomeness sidekick, R2-Jay (bahaha)

"You touched a brothers heart," alright .... (a little Pumpkin Escobar for you)

But you've also made me laugh since I was 17.

And that...."that's a mighty long time...and I'm here to tell...you.... There's something else..."

Sorry, Now I'm going lyric mad...it happens

I'm so emotional right now and the cat won't even hug me.

Look man...

I just want to thank you for always being apart of my life and being the Sir Kevin Smith of GEN-X, our Captain Kirk, our Jedi Commander, our savior from boredom, our savior from the public nuances that we had to deal with on crap paying jobs...

Only to come from the screen In a voice approved by The Lord, "CROM" or whatever Elias believes in

To tell us it wasn't all for nothing.

Thank You Thank the entire Cast I'm going to go cry now.

***IMDB: There are no spoilers here...go see the film or the Clerks 3 Convenience Tour***

The Invitation (II) (2022)

Spooky-Sexy

[8/10 · 4 September 2022]

This one reminds me of The 7th Guest (PC) video game from the 90's if you took away the vamps. It's spooky not gory, or spooky-sexy. Overall, I wish I would have never watched the previews; The thrill was gone by the finale. I still rated the film 8/10 because I felt that the acting was decent considering how much the previews gave away. SPOILER ALERT! >>>The final scene I'm still having issues wrapping my head around. Were the two girls (Evie & Grace) now international vampire hunters? Why was Evie still in the UK, after the house burned down? If they make a sequel {IF} is it going to be a John Carpenters Vampires equivalent, where Evie & Grace just run around slaying vampires? It's just so weird to end this way.

Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)

Bodies Bodies Bodies equals Eight Eight Eight {lack of subplot}

[8/10 · 17 August 2022]

The Open: This was an interesting flick. At the first of the film, I had to pause and admire the camera work. I love it when directors decide that they want the audience to see someone through a mirror. It adds a flicker of pragmatism to the landscape. It almost made me feel as if I was a backseat passenger. I really like moments like this in movies and especially as a guest witness in front of the big screen.; it's bonding. What was Maria Bakalova {Bee} thinking? Was she just the typical nervous girl meeting friends of a friend, or was she plotting something sinister that would play into the film's genre? Like I said, brilliant camera work and I rate it 10/10.

The sound: I'm not a super fan of the soundtrack but there is indeed a prejudice. I'm 45, GEN-X, and it's not Alt 80's or 90's grunge, or Baby Boomer era hippy tracks. This makes me reflect. I like to reflect. I like to make myself dig deeper into the cerebral cortex and question my own thought processes and try and fully understand what the youth are really trying to shout. This would definitely explain the Van Halen lyrics bouncing between the synapses: "Well, they say it's kinda frightenin'-How this younger generation swings-You know it's more than just some new sensation-Well, the kid is into losin' sleep-And he don't come home for half the week-You know it's more than just an aggravation-And the cradle will rock-Yes the cradle, cradle will rock And I say rock on, ooh-Rock on!" ("And the Cradle Will Rock," Van Halen, Women and Children First, 1980). But after witnessing audience members singing along, I'd have to appreciate that it covered its core and deserves fair reward, 10/10.

The hurricane party set up: As a deep, deep, {deeper than that} Deep Southern kid at heart; I enjoyed this story line idea. A bunch of young adults playing with young adult-beverages and party favors and rock n roll lifestyle accoutrements. It's an honest set-up for a horror genre film. Who's dating who, and who holds begrudges? What part of the country is the film taking place in? It's a hurricane party, so it has to be coastal. Story line/Set-up, 10/10

The Twist: "Who wants to play, Bodies, Bodies, Bodies?" This reminded me of a dirtier version of Clue (1985) the board game and the movie. Clue (1985) is one of my top twenty films of all time, so there is a definite bias here. Nevertheless, this twist deserves a 10/10, and is in fact the name of the flick. Hence, the plot did manage to NOT fly off the rails (I have no cocaine joke, but you are welcome to insert one). The twist gets a solid 10/10.

Character introduction: The character introduction for a typical wild youth party set-up seemed legit. It was no Usual Suspects (1995) but was clearly not intended to be. This is why we have genres and must be capable of assortment between them when necessary. This is a horror flick for tweens, teens, and twenty-year-old's, not a film to alert the academy. Keeping this in mind, the characters slowly but willfully managed to state who they were with ample purpose. Although I found it rather slow, and it took away a bit of accomplishment from the overall atmosphere, which must now be reflected in the grading. Character Intro, 0/10, a bit scattered and plot numbing. Dare I say, "Up in the movie house Bored! {to semi quote a film track I'm not familiar with by TYGA}

To further elaborate on the low score of character intro, I'd like to point out that it's a party so why are people talking to each other as if they just left an AA meeting, comparing "problems" when they hardly know each other? This is not just juvenile acting, its juvenile script writing, and needed better editing. I would have skipped this completely if proofreading the film and would have instead focused on a subplot.

The ending: The ending gets a solid 10/10. I enjoyed this effort fully, and so did the other twenty people in the Cinemark that joined me on half-off Tuesday. We loved it and spoke of it on the way out the door.

Overall: I really wished they would have abandoned the poor character introduction segments and went with a subplot that would have made the audience members themselves play a game of "Bodies, Bodies, Bodies."

Let me explain before you throw the typical stones at me that I'm used to receiving. Had the writers and director went with my idea, then during character intro, we could have had wondrous flashbacks to various disturbances within Sophie, Bee, Alice, David, Emma, Jordan, and Greg & Max's youth; that would have made us try and figure out who would be the most capable to kill or who could be THE potential killer.

We could've shown Bee dropping out of college and eating food from garbage cans and holding her starving mother close to her as she cried tears of resentment to the entire world population. Or we could have shown David diving deeper into a drug world he should have never belonged to, solely based on his financial upbringing. Literally any subplot in this type of arrangement would've been absolutely brilliant! What we ended up with in the final cut, seemed a bit too flat for me.

The parts of the film I liked, I really liked, and the parts I disliked, I really disliked. But the real question is: Is Bodies, Bodies, Bodies (2022) a good film worth a trip to the theatre? The answer is YES! It was still a very interesting film, and it has plenty of fun moments. Just have Sarah DeLappe & Kristen Roupenian email me or call me in the future if they want to make an In the Mouth of Madness (1994) level horror film. I can help with those audience crushing subplots.

Overall grade based on 100/100 system: open 100, sound 100, set-up 100, twist/ending 100, character intro 0 {lack of subplot and audience introduction to superior mystery/thrill} = 400 divided by 5 = 80% B. 8 Star.

DC League of Super-Pets (2022)

Super-Cute, Super-Pets

[10/10 · 11 August 2022]

This is an adorable movie for your whole family! I had so much fun listening to the familiar voices behind the characters. I was literally the only cat in the theatre tonight, so finding a seat was super-easy.

Go see DC League of Super-Pets (2022) before it leaves the movies.

This film was definitely made with children in mind; Very PG, but also fun for adults. I'm sure you will enjoy several of the jokes in this flick and have a wonderful time, even if you're the only one in the theatre.

Clearly deserves a 10/10.

Bullet Train (2022)

Friday Night, Premium XD, Rear Left, Spot!

[10/10 · 6 August 2022]

August 5th, 2022: Friday Night, Premium XD, Rear Left, Spot! Woo Wee! 9:00 PM, Central, at the Cinemark, former home of Front Row Joe. Somebody burned some popcorn so I had to tell the young cutie slinging snacks a Mitch Hedberg joke about Hot Tubs. Why? Seemed appropriate. The joke? Oh! Sorry! It goes like this: "Hey, have you ever walked up to somebody in a hot tub and asked if you can join them?" "When they said yes, did you start chopping up carrots and celery and tossing it in the hot tub and ask them how they were stewing," Or some variation? Pretty funny. Anywho, the film...Bullet Train (2022) was a stone cold gas of a summer flick! Lots of action, never a boring minute to witness. The XD theatre was huge with lots of recliner seats; all faux leather bound and comfy. The screen was gigantic, and the sound system? Better than any I've ever witnessed! The Icee was cherry & Coke, and the Reese's Pieces were crunchy and fresh. I was fortunate enough to lease the far left, rear spot, which is my favorite. So, all of the precursors were there for a perfect film to be seen. I had so much fun with Ladybug's self absorbed karmic evaluations and the random happenings within the plot that I probably over enjoyed the summer flick that deserves a watch on the big screen and not to be overthought. I also was really happy to see Channing Tatum in his brief comic relief. If I tell you anything about the actual movie, it would keep you from going to the theatre to see it for yourself, so I do not want to be that guy. The ticket for my premium opening night spot was $17. 59 plus it was about $10 for the Icee (Slur-Pee) and Pieces. So, was Bullet Train worth almost $30 USD--Americano or not? My answer is, YES! It was like a cross between Spy Hunter the 1983 Atari 2600 video game, with happy James Bond's and Mahayana Buddhism seeking John Wick's, that somehow look like Brad Pitt. So, I guess you could say Brad Pitt was the S--t, in this Japanese train ride. Real Fun! 10/10 P. S. If you run across a poisonous snake, anybody that looks like the owner of Mint Mobile/Deadpool, or a water bottle...ever...in the rest of your life.... Just walk away.

Vengeance (II) (2022)

I went to Cinemark tonight to see a different movie, but...

[8/10 · 4 August 2022]

I went to Cinemark to see the Super Pets, but the online theatre times were different then the box office. Then I realized I was looking at Allen's times instead of Plano's. Go figure? Vengeance (2022) was the only movie about to start when I arrived at the theatre, and I would still have time to grab my Reese's Pieces and Medium Coke Icee, according to the Box Office gal. So, I ventured forth and joined the theatre where Vengeance (2022) was being shown. This was a very interesting movie. The dialogue was a bit snooty millennial between the New Yorkers, but I understood what was being presented and later, throughout the film, the reasoning behind this particular dialogue. I heard a couple of funny jokes about Texas {or what is and what is not Texas} and another doozy about a Toyota Prius. I live in a suburb of Dallas, so the Texas joke was hilarious and almost seemed local. There were many slow parts in the movie as it pressed forward, but the editing department managed to keep it all interesting for the viewers. Toward the almost Hitchcockian ending, the film has a bit of, maybe not edge-of-your seat moments, but certainly a let's sit up and pay close attention moments. Novak's acting was expected but who really surprised me was Ashton Kutcher, John Mayer, Zach Villa {and his crew} & Boyd Holbrook. Without diverging too much information about the film, I'd like to say that it was well worth the price of admission, and I hope you all go to see it. It's no Wes Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, or Kevin Smith flick, but it's a really good movie, and you can tell the actors were interested in being there. Sometimes that's all you need. A few actors in the mood to act, and a good camera, and presto! Movie Fun Time! 8/10. By the way, what ever happened to Front Row Joe, the Cinemark mascot? I kind of miss him.

Boss Level (2020)

I have questions...

[10/10 · 1 August 2022]

How can a flick this awesome not make the big screen? #2 Can we please have a sequel? #3 Why am I just now seeing this film in 2022? If you are a TRUE FAN of movies.... You absolutely must see this one. Soundtrack, 10/10, Script, 10/10, Acting 10/10, Cinematography, 10/10, Ken Jeong (small comic appearance), 10/10. If you "hate" this movie, then you just hate movies and are ridiculously evil. I get so tired of hearing these Siskel & Ebert wannabe reviewers that try to place films from various genres into one solitary Petri dish, and then complain constantly when every film being made on the planet isn't Sunset Blvd (1950), Citizen Kane (1941), or The Shawshank Redemption (1994). Toss some popcorn in the microwave for two-minutes (don't burn it) settle down, and enjoy some true entertainment for a change. It's just good, clean-killing, fun! 10/10, Without a doubt.

Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

9.9/10 Due to lack of variation on the soundtrack.

[10/10 · 30 July 2022]

Thor: Love & Thunder (2022) Was a pretty remarkable flick with all mainstream things considered. Acting, 10/10, script, 10/10, graphics and surprise theatrics 10/10, sympathy for the villain, 10/10, big-name guest actors, 10/10, conclusion, 10/10. The only complaint I really have (which is not much of a complaint) was that I typically enjoy a bit more variation on my flick's soundtracks. Don't get me wrong, it was a great soundtrack, it just lacked the variation I was looking for. I cannot see myself taking away too many points for lack of variation in a soundtrack when the film was entirely almost picture-perfect otherwise; for a purposely manufactured, summer blockbuster. So, without further delay, I will give Thor: Love & Thunder (2022) it's just reward of 9.9/10. You definitely want to see this one at your local movie house on the big screen, so that you can soak up all the thrills and action the way it was intended to be seen; as a mainstream summer adventure film with a bucket of popcorn. Try to keep that in mind and don't be so judgmental. We know it's not Citizen Kane (1941), ok, film school hipsters?

The Pentaverate (2022)

Interesting tunes and more cheese than 60's Batman

[10/10 · 13 May 2022]

Interesting soundtrack in this one. Bing Crosby's version of The Teddy Bear's Picnic, Kool & The Gang, Arcade Fire, Billie Eilish, {cutie} O'Jays, Murray Head, Donna Summer, sneaking in the theme from CHEERS at the mainframe, all the way back to that spooky little track from Eyes Wide Shut. The acting is cheesy and expected. Myers carries a bunch of roles in this little doozy. Talk about multitasking! One thing I was a bit shocked about, was the casting choice for Mentor being portrayed by Gregory Hoyt. Not that he's not exceptional as a Boston accented supercomputer, I would just think that with all his popularity and former success, that the choice final would have landed on Bill Burr. Other than that, it's a fun, cheesy, middle-school level humor machine, pushing out immature jokes that you tell on a Boy Scout camping trip. I dig that! To be honest, it's been a while since we've had anything this cheesy come out of Hollyweird and the people kinda need it. This show is so cheesy it could make the world's largest pizza. But hey...who doesn't love a joke like if you bate the Meister (or) Meister-bate, you can go blind. Thanks, Ken-J. Final Words: "Kick off your shoes and relax your feet, Party on down to the Xs-cape beat/The Pentaverate beat & just kick it." Yes, that last part was lyrics from Xscape's, Just Kicking It, song. Geez! I listen to music other than heavy metal. Cheers, turd slingers!