ekim1982 Reviews

Day of the Dead: Bloodline (2017)

A Complete Insult to Its Namesake

[1/10 · 14 July 2018]

So imagine, if you will...

* The worst of the worst acting you've seen from SyFy Channel original movies * The worst of the wrost acting you've seen from Lifetime movies (my wife watches them all the time so sadly, I'm well experienced) * That awkward friend you had back in your college days that fancied himself an indie filmmaker whose films were far too cringe-worthy and embarrassing to actually laugh at.

Add them all together...and the acting in this movie is still WORSE.

Between the lead actress over-enunciating every spoken word, to the completely insulting-to-your-intelligence and sophomoric dialogue between characters, this film is a cringe-fest from start to end. Gore effects look like they were made from Campbell's vegetable soup, and zombie makeup, while at some points relatively good, still tend to barely be above amateur.

As is typical with modern zombie movies, these aren't Romero shamblers (despite the semi-related title). These are World War Z style super mutants capable of Olympic Athlete levels of gymnastics, superhuman running speed and Herculean strength. When the "Bub" zombie manages to infiltrate the military base, the lone zombie somehow manages to outsmart and outmaneuver an entire contingent of soldiers, stealthily picking off people of the base one by one without a single person catching on...despite how much noise he makes, gore he leaves behind, and how bad he must smell...you know, being a zombie and all.

The Captain Rhodes-esque character is so hammed up he makes Spam look like Easter Sunday Honey Baked Ham, with some of the worst dialogue of any character (even worse than my terrible puns). Other villainous characters are typical b-movie lackey types.

The main character, a combination of Sarah and Dr. Logan from Day of the Dead, looks like a less-bloated Rhonda Rousey, with probably comparable or even worse acting skill. And again...that over enunciation remains irritating throughout the film. Maybe it's a credit to her speaking ability, but the hard enunciation of each and every independent syllable in a word makes her sound like a robot attempting to mimic human speech patterns.

By the halfway point, the movie starts to emulate the original with similar plot points, but ultimately fails to be as captivating as the original, which in the eyes of many is the definitive Romero zombie films, if not the original Dawn.

Ultimately, it's a poor attempt to remake a classic film in the genre, and is the THIRD remake of Day of the Dead since 2005.

Sesame Street (1969– )

Rest in Peace, Sesame Street (1969 - 1998)

[7/10 · 21 April 2013]

I title the review as "Rest in Peace" only because if you, like me, are a child born of the early 1980's (or earlier) that grew up with Sesame Street, then you know now, as you watch it with your children, either on Netflix or PBS in the morning, that the Sesame Street we grew up with is long gone.

In 1998, a muppet monster that had, for the majority of its lifespan on Sesame Street, been nothing but a background character with virtually no lines or significant appearances in the show's then 29 year history, became the undisputed center of the show. Over the course of the following decade, that character would continue to dominate the show, becoming its very face and voice. That character was Elmo.

Within a few years, the entire format of Sesame Street would change. Elmo's world started as a small segment of Sesame Street that aired every other episode. By 2004, Elmo's World became a full 1/4 of the show, airing every single episode. Appearance by favorites, familiar faces and mainstays of Sesame Street began to slowly phase out. Big Bird, formerly the face and "host" of Sesame Street was replaced in time by "Murray" who, like Elmo, was also a background muppet that had virtually no presence on the show in the 35 years leading up to his first appearance as host. Murray, like Elmo, dominates roughly 1/4 of the show with various segments. Joining Elmo early in the 2000's was Abby Cadabby, a feisty and rather irritating purple fairy that's a huge hit with girls. She has her own segment, comprising the 3rd 1/4 of the show, Abby's Magical Sky School. Murray, from the very opening moment of a Sesame Street show, immediately begins reassuring kids that Elmo's World will be coming up, "but we have a few other things to get through first". Ultimately, "Sesame Street" itself is now reduced to a mere 10 minute segment. The problem that is posed in the beginning of the show, once taking the full hour of the show to investigate, understand and solve, is now resolved in only 10 minutes (sometimes 15, but rarely). Occasionally, one of the familiar adults may show up, like Gordon, but its otherwise Elmo, Abby Cadabby and the dreaded "Beybah Baw" (Baby Bear), a talking teddy bear with an insufferable speech impediment. Likable, new adult characters such as Gordon's nephew Chris, and Alan, who both run Hooper's store appear often enough to break up the monotony of Elmo, Abby and Baby Bear's childish antics. On the rare occasion that a classic character will show up, such as Bert, Ernie, Big Bird or Snuffy, Elmo will make his appearance within minutes to take over the show. I recall watching an episode recently with my daughter in which Bert lost his pet bird. 3 minutes after this situation is announced, Elmo and Abby show up and take over the segment. Bert is not seen again, his bird is never found...the entire segment consists of Abby and Elmo picking up random objects and asking "Is this a bird? Is that a bird? Why isn't this a bird?".

Sesame Street, I fear, is simply TOO childish to be of any value to children at this point. When I was a toddler in the early 80's, Sesame Street helped me learn how to read, count, differentiate colors and shapes and objects...all things my parents helped me with, Sesame Street did too. It was truly a valuable educational tool. Now? We have Elmo running around his house like a lunatic, screaming at inanimate objects, displaying narcissistic tendencies by referring to himself in the third person and imagining himself as different animals and objects. His own house seems to hate him, as he is constantly yelling at his window shade to cooperate with him, and other objects, such as his desk drawer, repeatedly bash him over the head when he starts yelling at them. Where's the educational value in Elmo running around in circles yelling at everything?

Parents are strongly advised not to utilize "classic" Sesame Street (pre-1990) as educational tools, as they "no longer have any educational value and should not be utilized by your child." Very sad that this warning comes on the DVD box sets of pre-Elmo Sesame Street. Frankly, I'd rather have Gordon sing "Who are the people in your neighborhood" to my daughter, rather than having Elmo cannibalize the melody to Jingle Bells and repeat "Trucks trucks trucks, trucks trucks trucks" over and over again.

A silent uproar occurred sometime around 2010, when it was suggested by the show's producers (internally) that the show be renamed. It would have become something along the lines of Elmo's World (Featuring Sesame Street)) Thankfully, this never occurred, though it appears to have piggybacked off the movement to cancel Sesame Street entirely, which was proposed in 2003, in favor of making Elmo's World a standalone show. The dominance of Elmo over Sesame Street into the 2000's and 2010's only continued to grow, as more and more of the classic faces of Sesame Street faded away into nothingness. Cookie Monster and Big Bird seldom make appearances on the show anymore...sometimes going over a dozen episodes without seeing them. On the other hand, if you were to watch Abby's Sky School and Elmo's World each day for the 24 episode season, you'll have seen at least 18 reruns of each show, since there are barely a dozen segments filmed for both.

Sesame Street was great for our generation but for our children? I wouldn't recommend it. It hurts me to say it. My daughter loves it...she's 15 months, and she loves the characters. I'm not going to take that from her...but as she gets older I will due my duty as her father to make sure she is educated properly. Sadly, Sesame Street, in its current state, cannot be a part of that experience.

Carnosaur 2 (1995)

Vagina eating dinosaurs and Z-list movie stars? Oh yeah...it has success written all over it.

[2/10 · 3 February 2009]

Similar to the first film, Carnosaur II is a b-movie gorefest intended to capitalize off the popularity of Jurassic Park. Featuring no actors of any notoriety (other than Miguel Nunez...guess he REALLY needed work), this film is a forgettable flop that centers around a boy genius of some sort who has to disable a facility that's mass producing hungry dinosaurs. The raptors are featured prominently and the Rex is limited to a few shots due to a major malfunction with the robot (a rather impressive feat, to build such a huge robot for such a pointless movie). The ultra-gory death scenes start happening in rapid succession, culminating in what is probably the most memorable of all: a secretary of some sort is pulled through the roof of an elevator. A raptor sizes her up, painfully bites off her arm, then...goes straight for the pubic mound. Don't believe me? Rent it or watch the clip on youtube...the Raptor dives right in to the poor girl's genitals and feasts away, ultimately tearing out her uterus. Oddly enough, the girl makes rather orgasmic noises throughout the entire affair...apparently she's a b-list porn star according to some sources, which may explain why.

The ultimate rip off death features a female helicopter pilot, bringing the evac chopper over to the troops, only to be ambushed from behind. As the Raptor tears her apart, her blood showers the window as she struggles and flails her arms...I'd almost swear the scene was just ripped from Aliens and spliced in! If the idea of genital-eating dinos and low budget gore fests is your thin, go ahead and give it a rent...you won't be disappointed. Otherwise, if you have any self respect or any iota of respect for the film industry, just ignore this movie's existence.

Raptor (2001 Video)

What happens when you cross Eric Roberts, a z-list softcore pornstar, and Carnosaur 1-3?

[13 March 2006]

You get RAPTOR! Undoubtedly one of the most horrific pieces of cinema ever cut and pasted, Raptor consists of nothing more than a disgraced Eric Roberts and a nameless softcore cable porn starlet romping around poorly constructed sets, with 2/3 of the 'movie' being nothing more than assorted clips of the three Carnosaur movies. I can't even imagine what would possess a studio, no matter how bad their reputation is, to cut footage from 3 existing b-movie laughing stocks, and then proceed to film roughly 25-30 minutes of original footage and insert the Carnosaur clips into it at either inappropriate or completely unrelated parts.

Its a funny movie to watch however, simply because its so laughable to see how the movie plays out. Death scenes from Carnosaur 1-3 have been inserted, both human and dino. The sad part is, when the humans are killed, you can plainly tell that the...'actor'...being killed is not the same, ah hem....actor, that was just on screen. For example, a young girl in her early 20's flips out at Corben Bernsen(another once successful Hollywood actor turned b-movie bottom-feeder), and goes into an elevator, at which point a dino pulls her up through the elevator roof into an inexplicably placed room with pipes, and throws her into the pipes where it proceeds to bite off her arm, and then take a tasty bite out of the funzone below the belt (heck of a way to go). If you can get over the bizarrely funny scene of a woman being killed by having her genitals eaten by a mutant dinosaur, you might laugh even harder when you realize that the young girl in her 20's that was wearing a black tanktop and pants has been replaced by a grittier 30-something woman wearing white and black army fatigues.

This happens throughout the entire movie, since no sorry excuse for an actor that is on screen is ever the same one getting killed. AT least 2/3 of the movie is assorted Carnosaur clips, and the remaining 1/3 of the footage is some of the most despicable b-movie acting ever recorded. The fact that Corben Bernsen would even be seen in something like this...i'm embarrassed FOR him! Some of the biggest laughs come from the z-list softcore porn starlet they stick with Eric Roberts to serve as the female love interest...truly some of the worst acting ever, even in b-movie terms.

Check this out if you've seen the carnosaur flicks and need a great laugh.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Uuuh...i'm sorry, what?

[1/10 · 31 October 2004]

This has got to be one of the worst movies in the history of horror films...no, not because its a movie that dares to bear the title of 'Halloween' and not have Michael Meyers, even though that in itself is blasphemy, but because the movie itself is just ridiculous.

An evil super-company makes halloween masks...except they aren't just maks...on halloween they air a special program that makes kids' heads turn into BUGS!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SO SCARY! So without any motivation or reason behind it, we have this evil company turning kid's heads into insects and one doctor trying to stop it. To top it all off, the super mega evil company has released a commercial on television getting kids to buy their masks!! "Boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-boingy-8 more days til halloween! blah blah blah!" So we get treated to a commercial with a retarded kid shaking his head back and forth to the music when one of the evil bug masks comes on him, and the doctor goes to a small town where the super-mega-evil-corporation has its HQ to stop them. He fails. Kids' heads turn into bugs. Movie sucks. The end.

Why this movie bears the title of 'Halloween' I will never know...it has nothing to do with the previous 2 films, or any of the following sequels. Its ridiculous, the acting is terrible, the scenes are amateurish....this is just one of the worst movies i've seen in quite a long time. This movie is blasphemy, and should be completely ignored.

Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004 Video)

Why are they still making these movies?

[1/10 · 24 July 2004]

Enough is enough...sometimes they just need to stop making movies based on a concept that is long dead. The first Tremors movie was great. The second one was ridiculous. The third one was nauseating. The tv series was depressingly awful. And this movie just drives the stake deeper.

Basically another excuse for cheap computer effects and puppetry, now we have the series set in the Wild West, in the 1800's, and they fight graboids. Like a rehash of the first one, they have to learn how to beat them all over again. Mildly entertaining I suppose. Otherwise this straight-to-video release, just like Tremors 2 and 3, is just going way too far. Oh and I continue to wonder how there is never any record of these events taking place...did they just simply forget to record this unprecedented event? I think something like this would be history-making, so our pals in the first film wouldn't be so unprepared.

Movies like this that ruin the original just make me crazy. Avoid this garbage.

Prophecy (1979)

Gory, even a bit scary...but AWFUL

[24 April 2004]

I really hav no idea what the cast of this movie was thinking when they signed on for it...this is probably one of the worst movies to ever come out of the early 80's monster movie craze. Basically, you;ve got an indian reservation in Maine that's just downriver of a paper factory that uses a mercury-based agent to eliminate algae contamination from the wood they use. It contaminates the environment, creating a slew a mutations in the wildlife, including a monster bear that goes on a rampage, slaughtering people. And there's your premise. A cast of great actors in a poorly written movie. I gotta admit, its entertaining, and some parts ARE genuinely scary. Its also rather gory...certainly not up to the caliber of Carpenter's "The Thing" but close enough. Well, as with any monster movie, they kill it, and in the end as they leave, we see a glimpse of what appears to be...A MUTANT GOAT MONSTER! RAAAAWWWWWWWWWR!

Planet of Dinosaurs (1977)

Don't listen to these cinema-snobs

[10/10 · 27 November 2003]

This is a great, classic movie that is so unbeleivably cheesy that its just good. The soundtrack is hysterical, the dialogue terrible, and the stop motion animation amazing for its time. If you are a fan of cheesy sci fi flicks, then this is right up your alley. If you're expecting Jurassic Park, then you will be sorely disappointed, and deserve it for expecting so much.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Not bad

[7/10 · 2 July 2003]

This wasn't a bad movie at all...I went in with very low expectations. I thought it was going to suck and I expected it to be garbage. But it wasn't. In fact I was quite surprised at how good it was. This doesn't even come close to the caliber of Terminator 2, and there is just not enough character or plot development to make it the way T2 did. There are't enough characters in the film and the movie seems to drown in action with a light focus on plot.

Despite this, the movie IS good. The action is intense, the effects are outstanding and its an overall decent movie. There are shocking twists and a surprise ending that will literally blow you away. Don't pass this up if you're a terminator fan.

The Thing (1982)

2 versions of this film

[9/10 · 13 November 2002]

There is a little known alternate version of this film, sometimes shown on cable television. The alternate version features a narration at the beginning of the film, giving an ominous warning about what may be out there. Then, as we see the characters for the first time, there is a brief narrative, covering a bit of the character's background, and the reason as to why they are in the Antarctic, on this research base in the first place. The end of the movie also features another chilling narrative, warning that a being like the 'Thing' is not necessarily a far-fetched concept. This alternate version is used to fill time and censor some dialog, most likely to make up for the time that has to be cut for cable viewing.

This is a very chilling and frightening movie...the gore is a bit over the top, however. If you see this movie for the first time, you'll probably end up getting sick to your stomach. It usually takes the average person one or two sittings of the movie to become adjusted to level of gore. Otherwise, this is one of Carpenter's best flicks, and Kurt Russell gives a great performance, supported by the talented Keith David. Definitely a must-see for any horror movie fanatic or Kurt Russell/Carpenter fan.