colan Reviews

Windtalkers (2002)

disgrace to actual serving men and women and war in general

[12 February 2012]

If you're the type that's stupid, uneducated, or moronic enough to:

1. believe every military ordinance that detonates creates a giant fireball 2. guns have unlimited bullets, and possibly their bullets actually fly into their targets based on mind-control, NOT the actual direction of their barrels (physics be-damned) 3. the bad guys actual all yell and scream and flail their arms and stand in the open as they attack and continue to yell and scream as they fall down and/or will fly through the air when explosions (again, full of flames) in almost a beautiful synchronized way 4. the good guys can take a lot of ammo and keep on functioning perfectly fine 5. Nicholas Cage can act 6... I could go to 100

Then you're just enough of a moron to like this flick and have never actually been in a war or near a war or have any concept of wars in general but just think they're "cool." I've been to war zones, and I've played war games on the PC and XBox far more realistic than this movie. What to make of this movie? It's absurdist dreck, it's awful, and while it's trying to be cheesy patriotic in it's awful whatever the hell it is, in fact it's more a disservice to the fighting men and women in the US forces and really all forces as the reality is war is hell, and it doesn't look like this. If you really believe this is a good movie, and this is what war is about, do yourself a favor and go down to the nearest recruiting office and sign up for whatever branch will take you – though they do turn away based on IQ so if you like this movie... well, you may not get in – ask to be sent to the nearest action if possible, THEN come back here and rate/re-rate this movie 'cause you'll be in for a real eye opener. This movie not only sucks as movies goes, it's a disgrace.

For what it's worth, it is a laugh out loud movie, but of course it's not supposed to be, you'll laugh if you've been in the service OR have a clue about, well, the world and anything related to reality, because it's just that incredibly awful and implausible scene after hilariously bad scene.

And why the hell they tried to title this premise something to do with Native Americans when it's just another trainwreck Nicholas Cage vehicle is beyond me.

Up (2009)

Brilliant, another Pixar home run

[30 May 2009]

If there's a list of great computer animation movies of all time, Pixar would dominate most of the top positions. Great story, great voice talent, great timing, great for all ages. It'd be hard to pick just one above another and perhaps another viewing of Up may be in order to figure out where I'd place it among so much stellar work.

Up is by far the most emotional human drama of any Pixar movies thus far, very heavy, so much so if you're looking for pure fun with some jaw-dropping chase and/or thematic scenes and no downer moments, Up may not be for you. I saw it in a packed theatre of about a 65% adult, 35% adult split audience and it's the only time I can remember being in ANY animated movie where there was sniffles and watery eyes, and that was within the first 10 minutes of the movie. There's an undercurrent of life after losing a loved one in this movie, which I don't feel gives anything away. It's pretty heavy subject matter, Pixar handles it, like they do everything they touch, incredibly well, but it doesn't make it any less sad to have the material threaded throughout much of the movie you're reminded of it, but I suppose it's up to one's own interpretation of loss and how to place it in your life that perhaps will have an emotional effect on you.

Story is what makes a great movie great. Without story, you don't really have anything, maybe some effects, some action, maybe some cute or clever sight gags, maybe some laughs, hopefully some emotion, where Pixar shines above all others in animation and over a good 99% of the movies out there is they can intertwine it all and do it seemingly effortless, which is an incredible feat. To do this in a few movies is one thing, but Pixar has pretty much nailed this now for their entire career of making movies, that's just simply unprecedented.

I should note I saw the 3D version which, to be honest, didn't really take the movie to the next level. One of the more well known syndicated reviewers had said you're better off seeing the non-3D version on screen, and I actually agree. The 3D glasses added little to nothing to the movie except for an eye-strain headache later in the night. It didn't take away from Up mind you, it just didn't add to it either.

Up is a great movie either way you slice it and it should be noted, the theatre I saw it in gave it a fairly loud round of applause at the end. It's pretty rare these days that an audience applauds after a movie, perhaps we as a society has become too jaded, or too just expecting of the goods or feeling we're entitled to the entertainment. It's nice when a movie hits on all cylinders and elicits such a range and emotional reaction people who don't know each other in a packed room all gasp, laugh, cry, and applaud together. Great movies however can do that and Up is truly a great movie.

The Sum of All Fears (2002)

the only good thing I can say about Ben Afleck is...

[16 December 2008]

Nobody can act like Ben Afleck like Ben Afleck can. I mean, as far as acting like a wooden emotionless awful actor as Ben Afleck is, nobody can act as good (or bad I guess depending how you look at it) as Ben Afleck.

But just making a casting choice of putting one of the worst actors of our times with the most hype of Ben Afleck acting like Ben Afleck (kinda the opposite of how Jack Ryan would be) the rest of the movie is also full of just horrible inaccuracies and goes so far from the book from whence it was adapted, the even call it part of the series is as laughable as calling say Space Balls part of the Star Wars series, only Space Balls was almost good, it certainly had better acting than, say, Ben Afleck.

Which it's all a shame, it's clearly a big budget piece, the backdrops and some of the actors excepting the stereotypical, laughably bad Neo Nazis which, what a stupid choice to do considering the book's bad guys would be much more relevant in todays world (what the heck was Hollywood thinking?!?), you could feel the money being dropped into this clunker. Granted, it's not 100% laughably bad like, say, most movies Matthew McConaughey is in lately, say the uberly so bad even the actors were laughing at their lines "Sahara," I mean, that's a steaming pile of a movie there were it reeks of bad. This movie reeked of trying to be good but with a "leading man" (sic) choice like weak pathetic Afleck, then changing the story from the book, then implausibles about nukes and radiation, this flick devolved into one big "you've got to kidding me fest."

I'd give this movie a zero except the explosion and some of the hardware and aircraft looked cool, that and sadly IMDb doesn't, but should, allow zeros, and should go one step further and automatically give any movie Ben Afleck is in a zero.

Bionic Woman (2007)

Giving it a 1 (awful) is perhaps too high.

[15 February 2008]

I did appreciate this show for one thing, unintentional humor. My sig other and I watched this and were laughing within the first 10 minutes. From the dreadfully cliché story line, forced, weak romance as if she's 12 years old and everyone on the show has the maturity of high schoolers, to her "powers," there's more cheese than Wisconsin produces in a decade here. Quite possibly this is the worst show to ever hit the boob tube since in the 80s they tried this show that revolved around a bunch of fun-loving flight attendants, a show so bad you could tell they were reading of cue cards just off camera.

And the writers went on strike AFTER the show started airing, which makes one wonder after watching this total garbage and waste of broadcast bandwidth how they can possibly justify more money for what they do. And now, I guess showing maybe there is a god, it's getting canceled. Good riddance, wow this was a bad show. Wow.

But again, it's a funny show due to it's completely stupid vapid and implausible aspects, to the really bad acting, if one can even justify it as "acting," to Jaime Sommers huge loft in NYC, laughable because it would run about four million or so for such a thing, but hey, it's "fantasy" I guess, and you're living in a fantasy if you think this show is anything more than garbage.

No Witness (2004)

one the years best

[8 January 2007]

I watched No Witness and was amazed by musical numbers, it puts to shame "Singing in the Rain" (look it up on IMDb, watch it and see the similarities). Better than any Elvis movie with catchy beats you will not stop humming after leaving the theatres. This was better than Chicago and should have gotten an award for musicals. Steve Barnes' acting was part Gene Kelly, part Lawrence Olivier with his gripping, passionate performance. Many in the audience were moved to tears while laughing due to his performance, or maybe it was laughing while crying, I wasn't sure as my eyes were glued to the screen, hanging on his every, dynamically charged, words. Corey Feldman sure has come a long way since Lost Boys, No Witness is sure to put him on the map as a premiere talent. Michael Damian also uses his vocal chops showing his remake of the hit "Rock On" from the 80s was no fluke, this guy is the real deal and almost stole the singing numbers from Barnes. Don't just walk, but run out to rent this blockbuster of entertainment, it has it all!

The Perfect Storm (2000)

disgrace to the sailors and the people who lived through it

[5 September 2005]

This movie was a total disgrace to those sailors, and really all sailors, who lose their life. The bulk of this movie was fiction, utter BS, lies trumped up as docudrama, fiction, besmirching the names of those who lost their lives. There was no love affair between the real Captains Billy Tyne and Linda Greenlaw but the sleazy Hollywood vacuously untalented writers tried that angle. They tried a lot of angles, all disgraces to the real people to which this movie, which I'd say is loosely based on real events... but all they did is take names of people and places, then come up with their tripe, lies, "fiction" if you could call it that. The writers and producers and hell, the actors, should all be ashamed. Proceeds should go to the families who lost the loved ones. And the people that died on the boat, it's never been known/proved how she went down, so that part too is a disgrace to those who lost their lives. Yes, spoilers, whatever, the crew dies, but how they did has never been known.

No wonder Sebastian Junger was horrified when he saw what William Wittliff had done with his very good, gripping book by the same name as the movie. You want to hear facts and what these people, the community, was about, go buy and read the book A Perfect Storm. If you're the ignorant type too stupid to read (the typical American moviegoer this piece of trash was aimed at), just avoid the movie out of respect to the people this movie besmirches.

Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Great clean fun

[21 March 2002]

Very funny movie and easily the best yet of all computer animated flix. Excellent, well rounded characters, great dialogue, excellent plot twists and top notch animation round out all of this movies strong points. Weak points? Well, none really, maybe a couple slow(ish) parts but overall it's an entertaining ride from start to finish. Good entertainment for the entire family.