traumatixxx Reviews

Jaws 3-D (1983)

The rubber shark in 3D

[12 March 2003]

Five years after the weak "Jaws 2" in 1978, first sequel of a terrible franchise spawned from the superb original "Jaws"(1975), it came "Jaws 3D" (1983) filmed in not so glorious 3D effects with a terrible screenplay that not even odorama could have save.

The greedy executives from Universal Studios, not satisfied with being already millionaire thanks to the huge worldwide success of "E.T. The Extraterrestrial" the previous year, decide to milk yet another Spielberg property: the big rubber shark, trying to cash with the short lived 3D movie trend of the early 80s, in attempt to distract the audience at looking at the screen for the 3D effects and trying to ignore the shoddy movie.

Originally planned as a comedic turn for the franchise (the original screenplay was titled "Jaws 3 People 0" go figure) but it was scrapped at the last moment but somehow they managed to turn it in an unintentional comedy anyway, full of ridiculous situations and stupid characters. It feels more like a actual parody, a la "Airplane", of the previous "Jaws" movies and their countless imitators that you keep waiting for Leslie Nielsen to appear. We follow the two sons of Chief Brody, who somehow managed to become full grown up men only in a few years, both ended in Florida working in Miami's Sea World and thanks to a plot contrivance stolen from "Orca" (already a clone from the original "Jaws") they meet again with the now female shark, all rusty and wear out. And unintentional 3D hilarity ensue and the splash, screaming, hysteria, bad acting and fake gore starts. I imagine that Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett Jr are still trying to erase this one from their resumes.

It's crap on three dimensions but fun crap if you like "so bad it's good movies" type of films. If not, stay with the first and original "Jaws"

2D/10

(Only two because "Jaws: The Revenge" is even worst that this one!)

Battlefield Earth (2000)

Terror from the Year 3000

[1/10 · 10 March 2003]

After watching this movie for the first time I stayed staring at the TV screen completely numb with my mouth wide open by the sheer horror of it. Everything you heard about "Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000" is true!

"Battlefield Lame" is based on the novel written by L. Ron Hubbard, the creator of the (in)famous Scientology church(The religion of the rich and famous)

In the year 3000 the good old planet Earth is lay waste by a race of vicious extraterrestrial creeps called the Psychlos which have slaved the planet. Apparently 90% of the population of earth died laughing at their ridiculous visage: a sort of Cowardly Lion meets Chewbacca meets Uruk-hai warrior. A few of the non slave humans survive in the wild without any kind of technology, living as primitives. One of them, Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper, who looks like Clint Howard with an anorexic Matthew Lillard combined) is taken prisoner.

(Spoilers)

In captivity he plans revolution and thanks of the sheer stupidity of the Psychlos, the crappy script and a healthy diet of rats (don't ask) he gets away with it, a final battle is set, primitives humans who knew nothing about technology learn how to fly combat jets in a few days in flight simulators with only repeating "Piece of cake, piece of cake" as a motto. Then is Psychlos v/s humans. Who will win?...

(End Spoilers)

According to John Travolta this is a movie he wanted to make for more than 20 years in honor of his dear mentor Mr. Hubbard. It seems that the wait was in vain. Apparently the filmmakers and producers were aiming high with this movie, they were dreaming another "Star Wars" trilogy in the making with thousand of millions wasted in merchandising, action figures and promotion, several spin off were planned before the premiere(including a sequel and even an animation series!) but after the box office and critical slaughter they wake up and realize they got "Robot Monster", "Plan 9 of Outer Space", "Manos, The Hands of Fate", "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", "Terror from the Year 5000" and "Mommie Dearest" all rolled into one.

This lifeless, cliche ridden waste of film is one of the worst movies ever made. No doubt about it. Everything that made the cinema art great is wrong in this one. Terrible script, inept direction, ugly photography and lighting, lame editing, overblown sound, obtrusive camera angles, run of the mill special effects and the acting MY GOD! the acting is incredible bad. The entire cast is making fool of themselves but it seems they thought they were doing Shakespeare in space. The urge of bursting into laughter after reading those lines must have being difficult to repress during the filming. And even under thousand of layers of bad make up you can still notice Travolta hysterical overacting (who takes his character waaaay too seriously, channeling Vincent Vega by the way of Danny Suko with a little bit of Tony Manero on crack) and Forest Whitaker face of complete embarrassment. I felt sorry for Barry Pepper who must have signed the dotted line thinking this part would be his big break. I hope his career recovers. And why is Richard Tyson doing the role of Tarzan in the future? Or is Deathstalker? Or Yor? My favorite is Kim Coates in the role of Carlo, world's biggest wimp and useless sidekick who spent the entire movie cowering in fear, arm waving, over reacting, and eye popping in extreme his green eyes, you'll swear he is Marty Feldman in disguise.

See it to believe it. And then exorcise your TV set.

1/10

What's the Matter with Helen? (1971)

"Goody, Goody"

[8/10 · 4 March 2003]

The most bizarre of the cinematic sub-genres is the so called "The Great Ladies of the Grand Guignol": camp horror films which combined over-the-top melodrama with gothic thrills and always starred by seasoned and almost forgotten actress from hollywood golden age in unflattering roles of either long suffering victims or screeching evil harpies. This genre provided them with an unusual acting showcase that allowed strut their stuff on the screen once again and win new generations of fans at expense of their glamorous images from yesterday.

"What's the matter with Helen" is the last drop of this sub-genre with stunning performances of both Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters as the troubled mothers of two convicted criminals who run away from their past to the sunny California in the 1930s to open a talent school to milk out the eagerly mothers who want their daughters to be the next Shirley Temple. In California, Debbie gets happiness, clients, tango, tap dancing and a new love interest (Dennis Weaver meanwhile Shelley gets wacko with horrible flashbacks, menacing anonymous calls, menacing strangers, menacing Agnes Moorehead as a radio evangelist, cute little rabbits (!) and an unfortunate encounter with an electric fan (ouch!).

The sloppy script (penned by Henry Farrell, the man who started all this genre with "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" along with master director Robert Aldrich, Joan Crawford and Bette Davis) is full of plot holes, red herrings and wasted opportunities that could had made this movie great: the underlying themes of twisted motherhood (with Debbie and Shelley's characters as "failed mothers" and the overbearing mommies of the child stars) and obsessive female bonding (Debbie and Shelley relationship and the fact that the few male characters of this movie are either sinister or sleazy even Dennis Weaver dream boat Texan) are wasted. Instead we get Debbie Reynolds musicals interludes and dancing tots, although fun to watch take too much screen time of what is supposedly to be a psychological chiller. But still this movie is highly entertaining. The two stars and Curtis Harrington stylish direction easily overcomes its flaws. The movie recreation of the 1930's is colorful and elegant (look at Debbie's clothes!) made with a very tight budget. The increasing atmosphere of madness and hysteria is genuinely creepy with a shocking finale that will haunt you for days. And you wouldn't easily forget that silly "Goody, goody" song that runs through the movie either. And seeing an increasingly mad Shelley Winters screw every one of Debbie Reynolds' chances at happiness is a hoot to watch!

8 out of 10.