vandreren Reviews

Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood (2019)

Hollywood in decline

[3/10 · 3 September 2023]

Quentin, Brad and Leo apparently got together to share their collective midlife crises for the admiring zombies of la la land. The shallow artificiality and preening self-satisfaction of these worn out hollywood dingbats is both awkward and amusing. This aimless, yammering script is completely devoid of the slightest traces of depth, subtlety or nuance. The direction of course is classic Quentin: bombastic, retro-tacky mcmovie kitsch. Worse yet is the shameless profiteering off a hideous crime committed against a pregnant woman and her friend. Which is why this cinematic version of thrown fecal matter is so appropriately titled. Hollywood is the sewer pipe of idiocy and degeneracy to the world. It is the place where taste, class and artistic integrity go to die. Who better to represent it than Q, Brad and Leo, the triune godhead of hollywood vapidity, sanctimony and self-righteousness.

Dexter (2006–2013)

Can you guess who the bad guys will be?

[3/10 · 3 September 2023]

A silly farce about a "good" psycho who does true essjaydoubleyou vigilante justice by killing only waspy looking middle aged white male criminals...in Miami, FL. Because, y'know, the narrative. Dexter would've been worthwhile if it had been a truly dark, semi-realistic exploration of psycho raised by a vengeful cop. Attempting to control his "addiction" by satisfying his urges on equally twisted freaks for the greater good, the moral paradox of evil means to justify righteous ends might have made a rich source of psychological tension. But the hacks running contemporary corporate media are incapable of such feats. Psychological depth, nuance and any semblance of realism are far beyond their limited capabilities. The episodes are quick, superficial travelogues through the greater Miami area showing night clubs and bikini girls etc. Little cut scenes thrown together as if they were produced by the bureau of tourism. The characters and plot are two-dimensional, pandering, predictable, and undeveloped. As a dark comedy it falls flat. As a serious psychological exploration of controlled insanity and the moral conflict of a man's psychotic lust for killing harnessed for the greater good of society, it doesn't even try.

Kwaidan (1964)

A spectral cinematic adventure

[10/10 · 21 August 2023]

The surreal settings and music alone would make this rare gem a worthwhile evening of cinematic adventure. Add Kobayashi's fluid camera work with subtle, nuanced acting and you've got some kind of a masterpiece here. The four stories presented are refreshingly devoid of the schmaltz, hyperbole and melodrama so rampant in contemporary Hollywood. As such, the actors and director are able to concentrate their abundant creative energies on telling these strange, mysterious and unsettling little fables to great effect. Visually immersive and quietly impactful, you'll walk away from this as though you've woken from a series of heavy, disjointed dreams still lingering in your mind. If I had to pick a favorite, I'd go with "Hioshi the Earless." Maybe its the hypnotic melodies of the biwa, the folkish representation of the legendary naval battle, or the strong undercurrents of abiding bitterness and sadness. Whatever it is, I could still picture the spectral court of the child emperor and hear the plucked strings of the biwa long after it was over. It's refreshing to find films of such depth and artistry, qualities rarely found in contemporary hollywood. Indeed, it's why I've been exploring many older foreign films to get my cinematic satisfaction. And Kwaidan is some of the best movie action I've had in a while. As a side note, watch the commentary. Usually I never bother with them since they are full of tedious technical details or vapid pseudo-intellectual "interpretation." But the academic they got for this actually knew his stuff - an even rarer find still.

Blue Beetle (2023)

Dull, wooden and witless

[2/10 · 21 August 2023]

You've seen one, you've seen them all. Blue Beetle is about as cookie-cutter as the bombastic superhero mcmovie genre comes. This generic mishmash of the well and truly worn-out superhero template differs only in that it desperately tries to pander to demographic stereotypes and messaging. The origin story needs no description, you've already seen it a hundred times over in various films, tv shows or comics. Sarandon's mailed in performance as the villain was dull, wooden, and witless. As always, George Lopez played George Lopez as well as he knows how - with the voice of a badger and the personality of a telemarketer calling you on your personal cell at 9 o'clock at night. Some will say it's superhero fatigue. For myself, it's dumpster fire exhaustion. We need to get back to making great films for everyone. Great writing, acting and directing will always have universal appeal. Blue Beetle proves yet again that the Hollywood sludge factory is entirely incapable of providing it.

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

Telenovela with a bang

[9/10 · 13 August 2023]

Despite his best efforts, Nolan manages to make an innovative and compelling film about the troubled yet brilliant scientist who led the U. S. effort to build the bomb before its enemies Japan and Germany - and "ally" the USSR. At right around a three-hour runtime, Oppenheimer will take you on a kaleidoscopic journey through the life, times and mind of its titular subject. Along the way, three main areas of focus are explored: his personal life; building the bomb; political, philosophical and existential consequences. The two hours focused on his personal life and the consequences could have used a massive shaving on runtime. The middle hour or so actually dealing with the creation of the death-device itself are what really makes and redeems this otherwise bland, saccharin telenovela. The film is further enhanced by the casting of Cillian Murphy, a worthy actor bearing an uncanny resemblance Oppenheimer himself. The cinematography depicting the physical and technical concepts giving us insight into the creation of the infernal machine is a mind-altering experience worthy of the big screen. If you're going to go to the trouble of viewing a film at a theater or Imax, this is your huckleberry. Oppenheimer's dazzling visuals and head-spinning, hardcore scifi intellectual stimulation evoke the classical masters of the genre such as Frank Herbert, Jack Vance, Robert A Heinlein, etc. As a diehard scifi fan, I was even able to forgive the nearly two hours of self-indulgent tripe by deducting only one star. The melodrama, bombast and irrelevancy so tempting and irresistible to Nolan could not withstand the shining brilliance of the film's true core. Bravo Nolan, you're heading in the right direction. Now take some advice from Orson Wells..."it's all in the editing."

Caché (2005)

Western pandering is such a riot

[2/10 · 14 July 2023]

It made me laugh to watch this ignorant eurotrash film philosopher try so hard to be profound, only to fail so hysterically. This could have been a great film in the hands of a skilled, seasoned filmmaker. Instead we got two hrs of infantile film school bombast and canned globalist messaging. The natural response of any rational, thinking adult with culture and taste is to forget this tripe immediately upon viewing. Or better yet, skip it altogether. One particularly misguided simpleton had the audacity to compare this offal with David Lynch. This is a "European" film you see. I.e. Pretentious, self-loathing vapidity enhanced by profound ignorance and unironic lack of self-awareness. Unfortunately, two of my hours were wasted on this drivel. Let my mistake be your wisdom. Ah yes, Michael Heneke, gruesome isn't he? Fumbling at film like a freshman at a panty girdle.

The Irishman (2019)

Please be the last one

[2/10 · 4 June 2023]

You've seen one, you've seen them all. Yet another installment of absurdly overhyped and stylized mob pron from Martin S. Deniro is useless as usual. The mentally invalid, mealy mouthed ol' moop returns to play the standard, carbon copy Hollywood caricature of a fictitious mobster. The only role he ever knew. Only a very naive, ignorant fool finds any plausibility in these kitschy crime romances. I won't bother rehashing the plot, we already know it. Bottom line, the lrishman is nothing more than the generic, formulaic and ultimately forgettable tripe we've all seen before. Now scuze mia while l club an old lady for some cash and head to the strip joint for a pint and a shower scene.

Avatar (2009)

Dances With Hacks

[1/10 · 4 June 2023]

One of the most overrated films l've ever seen. I won't bother rehashing the plot. It's generic and derivative and we've seen it played out in 100 other films before. The characters are poorly developed stereotypes with superficial (or nonexistent) back stories. Worthington has about as much range as a literal gaming avatar. The script is bland, hacky and generic. No subtlety, surprises, or nuance. Just stick to the boiler plate and let the cash role in. The direction is equally slapdash and uninspired, lacking any real substance or innovation. No amount of blockbuster bombast or bright n shiny cgi can save this dumpster fire from being the trite, simplistic, sanctimonious cash grab it obviously is. Of course, the drooling screengazers and studio drones in Hollywood wouldn't know the difference between bombastic cgi and authentic storytelling anyway. Completely lacking in realism and believability, Avatar repackages the same factory produced mcmovie plot points with updated graphics, changed names and the same lack of originality as all its predecessors. Any good anime far exceeds this drivel in artistic expression - even with subtitles.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Sad Max: Steaming Load

[4/10 · 4 June 2023]

Another bland, generic and ulitimately pointless franchise blockbuster mcmovie cash grab. Neither Hardy nor Therone contribute much to their rolls. Their characters are uninteresting, undeveloped and forgettable. Max is as dilapidated, rusty and stripped of charisma as an abandoned pinto. The war rig has more personality than Furiosa. The story is shallow and formulaic; the dialogue stilted and witless; the villian one dimensional; the action cartoonish and repetitive. A stark contrast to the raw psychological energy of the original. Are contemporary filmmakers prohibited from creating authentic stories with nuanced, fully formed characters? Are audiences too conditioned to twitter, tiktok, fb, etc to maintain the attention span required of innovative films? This explody, rickety, broken-down old clunker from George Miller plows through any pretense of craftsmanship and quality and careens aimlessly into a once great cultural icon. What a sad way to end Max, in a heartless act of franchise vehicular manslaughter. Stay retired George!

Game of Thrones (2011–2019)

Suggestion: Bran wakes up from a crazy dream

[1/10 · 4 June 2023]

Tyrion: there's nothing in the world more powerful than a good story. If only the GOT writers knew this. Great show as it ran through the books. Fell apart when the writers had to rely on their own intelligence and creative ability-attributes tv/screenwriters aren't known for. GOT proved to be no exception to this. Ironically, l thought the series writers did a better job on the story than GRRM did in the books. Let us be honest, the books aren't exactly masterpieces to begin with. The show allowed for an unusual creative synergy when it came to adapting the original fantasy source material to an edgy, adult hbo show. When that dried up, so did the quality of the show. Rapidly. Each season became more contrived and less developed, culminating in the disastrous final season. I once considered this the best show ever made. Now it's just another example of the vapidity and creative bankruptcy of the industry. What might have been.

The Lost City of Z (2016)

The lost art of cinema

[9/10 · 4 June 2023]

It makes me laugh to read about this being "too slow" and " too dark." We've become too accustomed to the infantile mcmovie bombast of Hollywood franchises and blockbuster cash grabs. Not every film needs bright n shiny cgi to captivate its audience. Great writing, acting and cinematography create a far more powerful experience than big budgets and loud explosions. Z is a quiet, contemplative, thought provoking film. The torchlit scene with the father explaining death to ease the fear of his son was quite moving, and memorable. Since I haven't read the book I can't judge its merits as an adaptation. Now that I've seen it, I will. We need more films like this and less like the sludge being mass produced today. We need to quit feeding the Hollywood pigeons.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

Just read the books, part 2

[1/10 · 4 June 2023]

Yet another mind numbingly idiotic blockbuster mcmovie cash grab from the geniuses who brought us HB I. Bigger, dumber, louder, all the ingredients of a successful Hollywood franchise sequel. RP is a vapid, mealy mouthed steampunk caricature in a ridiculous clown suit. He's not Hell Boy. The guy has all the acting range of a gimp. GDT employs his usual arsenal of mindless cgi bombast, hyperbolic action, telenovela cheese and superficial character development. A slapdash, hastily executed exhibition of cinematic thrown fecal matter designed to score the most revenue at the box for the least amount of time, talent and effort. I'll restate my suggestion for HB I: just read the books. As always, the source material is far superior to the Hollywood studio mcmovie "adaptation."

Hellboy (2004)

Just read the books

[2/10 · 4 June 2023]

Quite possibly one of the dumbest movies ever made, though I have great admiration for the graphic novels this film ineptly attempts to adapt. Ron P is dull, wooden and witless as a goofy comic book superhero in a clown suit loosely based on Hellboy. He has all the acting skill and personality of a crash test dummy. The script was written by a 5150 inmate and the director was heavily influenced by Tommy Wiseau. I'd mention the plot but there is none. The rest of the cast is equally clench inducing. The Hollywood studio drones cannot grasp the simple fact that hyperbolic action and effects do not make a good story. This infantile bombast will leave you partially lobotomized by the end. As always, the source material is far superior.

Post Tenebras Lux (2012)

A ray of light in a cinematic dark age

[8/10 · 4 June 2023]

All the reviewers that superficially reacted to this film as just another self-indulgent art house ego trip made me laugh. I despise and ridicule art house pretension as much as anyone. But that's not what this film is. I'm not going to bother adding my insights and interpretations to the heap, you can do that on your own. And that's the point, if you can have a mind to make your own connections and formulate your own ideas, you should have no problems with PTL. Rich photography with shots that linger long enough to actually absorb them. A refreshing lack of the usual gimmicks: moving close-ups, romantic schmaltz and tearful, blubbering melodrama. The story is self-contained and original; the characters genuine and authentic; the style minimalist yet mesmerizing. Attributes sorely lacking in Hollywood and contemporary cinema in general. And Natalia's rendition of 'it's a dream' near the end was moving and impactful. Unlike anything that whining, glass shattering ol' hack Neil Young ever did. Not going to say it's perfect, but we need more like this.

Collateral (2004)

Taxicab Commiseration

[5/10 · 4 June 2023]

Campy and unrealistic depictions of LA typical of cloistered Hollywood shut ins and society popinjays. Formulaic action sequences, contrived set ups and predictable outcomes. The night setting captured some good atmospherics and noir elements, so not a complete disaster. The coyote was the only memorable character. The two leads actually do pretty well with what they are given. TC as the villain was a refreshing change, reminiscent of his vampire roll back in the day. JF also displays some impressive acting range with the timid cab driver thrown into an unexpected fight for survival. But competent acting couldn't save this aimless, over stylized mishmash of fight sequences, pop psychology and plot contrivances. Could have been a great film with a better script, talented director and a modicum of realism. Like pretty much anything produced by the Hollywood machine I suppose.

Hard to Kill (1990)

Manbuns beware

[2/10 · 4 June 2023]

Yes he's a complete fraud but you gotta admit he knew how to pull off the old school ultraviolence. Usually in these action flicks the good guy takes a beating, just barely managing to eek out a victory at the very end. Gotta keep that dramatic tension high. Not so with Ol Stevo. The big boss fight at the end is a one-sided beat down, not even close. Come to think of it, they all were. Poor actor, worse martial artist, master conartist. He even landed Kelly Lebrock in her prime, can't ever take that away from him. I must confess however, I have a soft spot in my heart these dumb old kickfests full of gratuitous violence, tna exploitation and cheesy one liners. It's dumb, violent, crude and rude - and far superior to 90% of the drivel that gets made these days. Beware! No safe spaces for all you snowflakes here. One star for the slick ponytail, one for the pleasant views of Kelly Lebrock.

Army of the Dead (2021)

Rooting for the zombies

[2/10 · 4 June 2023]

I always get a good laugh watching Bautista try to act. He has all the intelligence and charisma of a crash test dummy. His dull, wooden and witless performance was still a blessed relief from the noxious vapors of someone named Tig, apparently brought in for the jokes. I don't know who or what this character was supposed to be, but it was painful to watch an actor crash and burn in such grizzly fashion. Even the zombies took pity. With two actors like this, you're looking at a 'The Room' level dumpster fire. I think Zack, Dave and Tig should team up like Tommy and Greg and make as many unintentionally hilarious action mcmovie flops as possible. Zombie romance, Vegas casino heist, and moronic mercs all wrapped up in a take your vapid, prattling, dingbat daughter to work in a combat zone day. Truly a Hollywood dumpster fire for the ages.

Alexander (2004)

Sympathy for the despot

[5/10 · 4 June 2023]

Oliver Stone has not known how to make a decent film in decades. The real Alexander (and his father Philip) was a battle-hardened, seasoned veteran of the internecine wars and power politics of the Greek and Balkan states. Neither he nor Philip had time for the saccharin melodrama and sentimentality depicted here. The stilted dialogue sounded like it was written by Tommy Wiseau. The horse had more personality than the actors. Nothing in this bland, contemporized soap opera bears the slightest resemblance to the historical figure of Alexander. The brutal drape of Morrison and this atrocity against Alexander should have been more than enough to put the demented, self-delusional old hack out of work for good. Ollie needs to stay far away from historical figures and stick to what he knows best: gratuitous violence and kitschy bombast.

The Boys (2019– )

The Boys of Mummer

[1/10 · 4 June 2023]

A nerdy friend of mine told me I have to watch this. This isn't the usual superhero drivel, he assured me. "It's different," he said. WRONG. Just more of the same mind numbingly idiotic capering of dolts in tights and masks. The story is ridiculous and the acting extra hammy. I truly do not understand how tripe like this gets made, let alone watched by millions of drooling screensavers. I don't get the superhero derangement of Hollywood, except that it provides a convenient pretext for hacks devoid of talent to make money off the ignorant masses. I don't care about childish superheroes, even less about the politics of the simpletons who churn them out unceasingly. Needless to say, I told my friend never to bother me with excrement like this again.

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Bookends

[2/10 · 4 June 2023]

One star each for the first and last 5 minutes of this silly, bombastic mess. The other 2.5 hrs was a clench inducing lobotomy session. When will Hollywood realize bright n shiny cgi, infantile tantrums and loud wizbangs don't make a good story? The writing and acting (with the possible exception of Basset) were atrocious. The story made no sense - cartoonish action sequences randomly interrupted by mind-numbingly idiotic prattle from obnoxious and uninteresting characters. That weaselly little antihobbit Freeman was the worst offender. Dude has the acting range of a ventriloquist's puppet. These factory produced superhero mcmovie clown shows just need to stop. The shark has long ago been snake river jumped by Evel on his suicycle. When the drooling screengazers finally get bored and stop wasting their cash maybe Hollywood can get back to making interesting, original films. Assuming there's anyone left in that creatively bankrupt cesspool with the talent to make them.

The Doors (1991)

The doors of Stone's perception

[5/10 · 2 April 2023]

Great acting, great directing, great music. Has nothing to do with Jim Morrison. Val was amazing as a brilliant but troubled rock star sounding like and resembling the singer/poet known as Jim Morrison. No one could have matched his performance, not by a sight. The photography, script and cast were all outstanding.

That said, Stone's obsessive emo worship of Jim as the drunken uber hippie he wished he could be is for too self-indulgent and salacious to be taken seriously. Stone, and the public at large, seem to forget that while Jim had an amazing voice matched by exceptional charisma and intelligence, the music was written collectively by the Doors. Most of the music was created by the guitarist and organist - can you name them? Jim focused on the lyrics. Yet we barely get more than a superficial impression of the other 3 Doors.

Like many of his films, the self inserts and willful neglect of meaningful substance in favor of stylish fantasy undermines any pretense at reality. In purely fictional films like Natural Born Killers or U-Turn, it works. For the "historical" films Stone seems drawn to, this predilection for style over substance is overbearing and undermines the premise. The fictionalization of Jim presented here is Amadeus-like in scale. When one witnesses such absurdity and "creative" license, what can one say but: Stone. While Stone is an occasionally great filmmaker, he needs to stay as far away from historical figures as possible. His childish fantasies and love of the sweet leaf long ago addled his brain. To a man, the remaining 3 members of the Doors blasted this fantastic and incredible portrayal of their front man as pure fiction. And that's just what this fan film is: pure fiction.

Unmistaken Child (2008)

Mistaken Monk

[3/10 · 23 March 2023]

It makes me laugh to see all the pandering western dilettantes fall all over themselves praising this appalling, outdated practice. In short, the film follows along as a small boy is senselessly taken from his loving parents by a monk and sent to a Buddhist monastery. Why? On the, let us say questionable, grounds he's the reincarnation of a recently deceased monk from a nearby monastery. A child is forcibly removed from his parents' home because of a mistaken monk's pathetic attachment to his old, dead guru. Rather than deal with the loss of his mentor like a rational adult, understanding that death is simply a part of life, the needy monk commits a cruel act of abduction. Through willful self-delusion, dogmatic superstitious mental gymnastics, and the power his state religious institution, the mistaken monk is able to procure the child on the grounds that his old mentor, upon death, took wing and spiritually transported himself into the body of an already living child. Delusion, attachment, dogmatism, selfishness, manipulation, abuse of power. I thought these were supposed to be the things Tibetan Buddhism was fighting against. I guess the fact I'm a "dragon/capricorn" is what makes me so skeptical and closed minded. Hmmm, where's Mars right now? What does that crow sitting on the fence mean? I dreamt of a one-eyed dolphin talking backward on the 13th. Should l play the lotto Tuesday, Thursday, or never? More importantly, what does Richard Gere have to say about it? What if it was his kid? Seeing how the parents were spotlighted and pressured was infuriating. Seeing the pain in the mother's eyes was heartbreaking. Hearing the boy cry as he was led away from his home for the last time is something I will never forget. Or forgive.

Kumaré (2011)

The name that cannot be named

[9/10 · 22 March 2023]

One of Kumare's students summed it up nicely when she said that despite his own insistence he's not a teacher, you are a teacher if you can teach people to think for themselves. An ability deliberately sabotaged in media and academia, as demonstrated by the fact that highly "educated" people in the west tend to make the easiest marks for shady gurus like those depicted. Kumare's main objective was to disabuse his students of the harmful, self-defeating delusion that they themselves cannot be the gurus they are seeking in their own lives. By the end, Vikram Gandhi realizes that in many ways they became teachers and gurus in his own life. They had the courage to "reveal" themselves while, at least initially, he did not. Elegant in its simplicity, profound in its humility, the central message found here can be extrapolated to almost any aspect of our society (social media, pop culture, academia, politics, religion, journalism, etc). I wish this little gem could be shown to every high school senior transferring to college as prep for all the false doctrines and counterfeit "teachers" they will encounter. In its own unintended little way, "Kumare" echos the opening lines of the Tao Te Ching," The way that can be spoken of is not the constant way. The name that can be named is not the constant name."

Amadeus (1984)

Salieri absolves you

[3/10 · 13 March 2023]

The character depicted in this film is entirely unrelated to the composer known as Mozart. Yes, the music and acting are superb. Yes, the pacing, editing and photography are top notch. Yes, the writing is, for the most part, brilliant. "Amadeus" would have been a great film as a character study of a fictitious composer loosely based on Mozart's life. Subtract out the silly nonsense, add a little depth and nuance to the character, and you would have an excellent character study dichotomizing two very different types of artists. Friends, yet competitors. One supremely gifted but erratic and eccentric. One highly skilled but perhaps jaded and not so inspired. There are many different, more compelling ways a film like this could have developed if it had been based on a purely fictitious character (which it basically is anyway) and had a story a bit more grounded and believable. If you're going to attempt a historic bio, at least make a minimal effort to be accurate. "Amadeus" may as well have been directed by Oliver Stone as outlandish as it is. For a real bio, read Maynard Solomon's "Mozart." He forever destroys the eternal child myth presented here. For those of you who enjoyed this movie despite the "creative" license taken at the great composer's expense, Salieri absolves you...That idiotic laugh says it all.

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

Do you know what the shot is?

[10/10 · 12 March 2023]

I see you're checking out Glengary Glen Ross, you've got a good eye. This compact, economical yet powerful little vehicle punches way above its class. Pacino's legendary portrayal of Ricky Roma elevates slick salesmanship to an art form. Baldwin's motivational sales conference rivals Henry V's St. Crispin's Day speech. In fact, the entire cast makes it rain with stellar, career performances. But the Cadillac prize goes to Mr. Lemon's sacred personification of Shelley "The Machine" Levene. It was solemn, effing solemn. The tears in his eyes at the end still gets me. Only a true master could close a performance like that.

Mamet's writing is gold, the old stuff. The educational value alone is priceless, let alone the immortal monologue, commiserations, tell offs, colloquies, smooth talks and gut splitting one-liners. GGR is as much a documentary on the hard knock life of real working people as it is an ensemble character film. Mamet's beleaguered salesforce survives on its wits and its minerals alone. Their struggles, ambitions, fears, envies and responsibilities could only have been written by someone with a bit of hard knock life experience to draw from. Experience today's company writers in hollywood are utterly lacking. GGR's 2 hr struggle session of hard-boiled, atavistic street philosophy yields far more enlightenment and edification found in current day media and academic echo chambers. This little peach should be required viewing for graduating high school students heading out to the workforce.

And remember - you never open your mouth till you know what the shot is.