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Reviews
Cosmic Conspiracy (2019)
I wish 0 was a rating
For anyone wondering, this was not a documentary. It was a guy talking over powerpoint slides for 70 minutes, presenting zero evidence to backup his insane claims.
I love a good, well thought out conspiracy theory. However, there was no thought and even less effort put into this. I want the time I spent watching this back. Seriously!
One of the wildest things was the narrator mentioning "The Watchers." Every time they were brought up, he gave a definition of what they're supposed to be. And, every definition he gave was different from the last.
This "documentary" was a serious insult to anyone with even a modicum of intelligence.
Spirits in the Dark (2020)
Why, just why?
The concept is terrible. The execution is unbearable. Slow doesn't even begin to describe this film. Not a single word is spoken for the first 10 minutes. The "acting" is dry and emotionless. Most of the film is shot from the first person perspective and somehow that makes it even worse.
There's no understating how bad this movie is. I really want to ask everyone who gave it more than one star what they were thinking. Sure, I sat through it, but only because I wanted to give it a fair shot. No, I didn't expect it to get any better, but I have been wrong before.
There were zero redeeming qualities here. I'm actually offended that this film had the nerve to be listed in the horror genre.
Chompy & the Girls (2021)
Expect the unexpected
I watched this movie on a whim, not really looking for anything in particular. I read the blurb and thought, oh crap this movie is out there. Then I watched the trailer and fell out laughing. So, as these things tend to go, I pressed play absolutely clueless as to the wild ride that awaited me. Chompy and the Girls exceeded my expectations. I just knew I was in for a low budget, terribly scripted, direction-less slog of a film. This was so much more though. Once things get rolling, this was one hell of a ride. There were even some unexpected plot twists that genuinely surprised me. To be clear, this is far from the best movie I've ever seen, but it was very entertaining and handled the premise quite well. I am not upset at all for randomly deciding to watch this.
The Restaurant (2017)
Don't trust the bad reviews
Was it a great movie, no. However, it was very entertaining. The acting was ham fisted, and the script...meh, but you know what, it worked! The film was extremely self-aware and did not take itself seriously. Therein lies it's true strength. The Devil's Restaurant is quirky in all the right ways. Pay no attention to the low scoring reviews, some of which did not even bother to use proper spelling and grammar. This movie is not groundbreaking and I doubt it was made with any award aspirations. To be frank, I started watching this with the intent of simply having something playing in the background while doing other things. Two minutes in and I was hooked, though. Is it horror? Well, the premise definitely is. Comedy, absolutely. Let go of your expectations, open your mind, and enjoy this silly little film.
Grotesque (2022)
Uhh...?
There exists a metaphorical circle, and contained within said circle are all things orderly and right. The circle is known as control. This movie is so far outside of that circle. From the first absolutely cringe worthy scenes, until final credit scrolls past the screen it is utter chaos. This film knows what it is and leans all the way into it, embracing every bit of insanity along the way. I was mildly entertained watching this, but mostly I'm questioning my mental stability for having sat through the entirety of it. That probably qualifies as a pre-existing condition. My health insurance is definitely going to drop me, smh. I guess that's all for this review. I have to go now. My planet needs me.