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Ninja_Haxor_Critic
Reviews
Final Destination 2 (2003)
Just like the first but with a pregnant chick - SPOILERS
Tonight I had the chance to watch Final Destination 2 and now I am here to tell you all about it!
Final Destination 2 has about the same plot as the original Final Destination and by plot I mean a bunch of random stuff happens that is barely held together by a series of desultory and slapdash events combined with near psychic predictions based off complicated actions like looking at stuff while Death stalks a groups of dummies who ramble on about "Death's Design" while some other guy sits around yelling in near girl-who-has-just-seen-a-big-big-spider'esque panic about how "death doesn't control his life" meanwhile a bunch of people die in some interestingly creative ways.
If you have seen the first flick just imagine the exact same thing in the second but be sure to throw in a pregnant woman who is connected to the whole deal because Tony Todd said so in some manner that is supposed to kind of make sense in some far-offish rococo and convoluted manner from the fifth dimension.
And be sure to toss in all kinds of talk about "cheating death" and "new life" and pepper it with really cool death scenes here and there to make a movie that would be mundane and mediocre in any other environment really stand on its own thanks to buckets of blood and gore.
And then add some sort of scary yet hero-like chick to arise death-bringing suspicions in everyone while they argue and bicker like children fighting over who gets the Smarties and who has to settle for Rolos while some girl from the previous movie comes back and starts spewing all sorts of mess with causticness and raillery as though she were to don the very Boxing Gloves of Segaciousness to engage in a contest of fisticuffs and pugilism with the Reaper himself .
Once Death has been toppled and the world has been set right once more top it all off with just one more death to make the survivors look at each other with vacant eyes like a dog that has just been shown a card trick.
For maximum impact be sure to include lots of screaming.
The Good: The Death Scenes were quite exciting and fun to watch. If Death were so creative in reality people would be clamoring to die.
The Bad: Plot? What plot?
Overall: In the realm of horror it is middle-of-the-pack at best and should only be watched as a close-to-last resort but in the arena of bad movies this flick shines like a freshly cut gem standing out from the rest of the crowd and begging to be watched.
Friends (1994)
It would be the worst show ever if worse shows didn't keep coming along.
I would ask how anyone could like this show but seeing all the other rubbish on the alleged "Must See TV" leaves me not surprised at all.
Friends is a show that is full of hateful, selfish and unlikable characters who have no redeeming value of any sort. The kind of people you would dislike if you met them.
Ross - is socially inept and unable to maintain any sort of meaningful relationship. He alienates himself from people through his senseless actions perpetrated with little or no planning and can't figure out why there are consequences.
Chandler - is chronically unemployed and spends his days in a coffeehouse when he should be out trying to get a job he won't be able to hold for more than a few episodes.
Joey - possessing a lack of intelligence so astounding that it is a wonder and a mystery he made it to adulthood. The only answer can be seat belts and helmets.
Phoebe - is an airhead who thinks that sexual overtures are the answer to all of life's problems.
Rachel - is highly co-dependent and cannot function in any meaningful way without someone in her life to latch on to.
Monica - is hateful and spends the entire show plotting the downfall of other innocent people around her. She believes that the entirety of the universe functions around what she wants and she exhibits advanced signs of autism with her ability to shut out the world in exchange for focus solely on herself.
Now to the review of every episode of Friends.
1. Someone spends the whole show being mad at someone else for some insignificant affront. Because the cast believes that their way is the only way upon which the whole universe should operate they will spend the duration of the show spewing forth insipid volleys of hatred and disdain till someone else says "don't go there girlfriend" and the person in error sees that their ways are not right.
2. Someone spends the whole show being gotten mad at. Because the cast believes that their way is the only way upon which the whole universe should operate they will spend the duration of the show spewing forth insipid volleys of hatred and disdain till someone else says "don't go there girlfriend" and the person in error sees that their ways are not right.
3. Someone will spend the whole show unemployed.
4. At least two of the people will spend the show trying to score. Among available people to score with - each other and Tom Selleck.
5. All six members of the cast will spend the show whining about every single, solitary, distinct, individual, unalloyed thing to occur no matter how small, no matter how little impact on their lives. Because the cast believes that their way is the only way upon which the whole universe should operate they will spend the duration of the show spewing forth insipid volleys of hatred and disdain till someone else says "don't go there girlfriend" and the person in error sees that their ways are not right.
A total waste of time and effort.
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Ambiguity + Weak Characters + Monster = Fun - Spoilers
Spoliers - don't read my comments about the movie if you don't want to know stuff . . . about the movie . . . that I am writing about.
Jeepers Creepers is a big giant bouillabaisse of monster driven entertainment centering around a boy, a girl, a silly old woman and a big mean monster that does all kinds of crazy stuff by a very tight turntable for no apparent reason.
Bouillabaisse - noun - A combination of various different, often incongruous elements or a highly seasoned stew made of several kinds of fish and shellfish.
The movie centers around a demon thing that likes to eat people and only comes out for 23 days every 23 springs or so, for some reason. Why? Did he drowned in a lake? Did he watch his parents die in a terrible car accident? Nope. He comes out every 23 springs for 23 days just because. It should also be noted that during this time he eats like he hasn't eaten for 23 years.
Why does he only eat every 23 years? Most likely because he was waiting at the DMV the rest of the time trying to get those wacky vanity plates for his vehicle that, I am assuming, if he only drives it every 23 years is most likely not registered or insured. That is a violation of the law.
The boy and girl play up the whole sibling thing real good. When I saw the movie I was like, "man, that was real good". They act like real brothers and sisters act - treating each other like crap but continuing to care in some sort of way that can only result from being around people you really don't like all your life.
The only real killer of the movie is the silly old woman. She spends the whole movie going "rar, I'm a silly old woman" and doing all kinds of silly woman things like calling people on payphones and warning them of impending death. She spends the whole movie doing this over and over again. So what happens after two hours of going "you are doomed, it's gonna eat you and stuff"? What happens after two hours of people thinking you are full of silly stuff only to find out you really were telling the truth in some obfuscated and wacky sort of way? What happens after you tried to save lives but ignorant people ended up dying anyway? Oh that's easy. Once everyone has suffered unbearable tragedy and heartbreak and finally want to know the truth you brush them off entirely by going "no one listens to me. I'm a silly old woman".
Then there is the monster. My sister-in-law swore up and down that this was Shaq but I knew better because Shaq plays for the Lakers so I patted her head in a condescending way and went "there, there".
Overall, a good movie if you like binge eating monsters from the fiery depths, brothers and sisters that don't like each other until one is dead, and a silly old woman that tries to warn you of impeding death for two hours only to brush you off when death comes around.
I rate this movie a B- but a B- that doesn't hurt too bad, like if you got your B- in penmanship and not math.
The Sweetest Thing (2002)
Total Crap
If there has been a worse movie released in the past five years I can't think of what it is. The acting is insipid, the plot is weak and full of holes and mistakes and everything about the movie from start to finish is basically ignorant and stupid.
I certainly hope that no one takes this film to be an interpretation of "what women really think" - I am not a woman, but if this is really how they think then it is overrated and really not worth addressing. And anyone who would dare label this nonsense a "chick flick" is simply picking a horrific example to set in a seemingly reasonable genre. There is nothing wrong with chick flicks until you point this one out as an example of one and make someone else watch it - they will go away with a skewed and incorrect view that all chicks flicks are wall to wall idiocy and that chicks, despite all the ramblings to the contrary, are shallow and focus only on men, nothing more.
Few movies have ever made me feel like I was robbed of precious hours of my life but this one certainly did like no other movie I can think of.
Disappearance (2002)
A good movie that doesn't answer any questions - Spoilers.
I knew this was a TV movie so I wasn't expecting anything really high budget. There is great confusion for anyone doing research for the film because the box states that the town is in New Mexico while various plot descriptions state Arizona or Nevada yet the most of the cast have an Australian look to them but overall this is no big deal.
The movie works on a level that it has some good creepy scenes that even a lot of big budget horror movies lack. The acting is pretty decent as well except that the relationships between the various characters are poorly defined and a little confusing to the average movie goer - you have a dad, his new wife, two kids and a family friend yet you can't figure most of this out until it is too late and it lessens the impact.
The problem with the movie is that it presents a lot of questions of which not a single one are answered. What happens to them at the end, why did the daughter see one of the previous victims in the fast food eatery if the victim was supposedly dead and one of the most glaring, how did Harry Hamlin get the vehicle started so quickly after it had been sabotaged earlier in the film.
Overall, an entertaining movie but don't expect typical movie closure because none of the questions presented in the film will ever be answered.
Tail Sting (2001)
I want my one dollar back.
Oh my goodness. I rented this movie with a one dollar coupon and was sad to find that it was the only time in my life I was upset about wasting a dollar.
The Good.
1. The movie ended.
The Bad
1. The movie started.
2. In one scene a boom mic operator can clearly be seen in the back of the shot behind a cargo net moving the mic up and down and hither and yon.
3. In another scene a man is sucked out of the plane - past the plane door onto a sound stage and through a trap door - I was unaware planes had sound stages and trap doors - even the big ones.
4. In the same scene as above a gaggle of debris is being blown (in the classic "stuff gets sucked out the open door shot") yet the oxygen masks are hanging straight down.
5. The scorpions grow from about a foot in length to about six feet in length in about two minutes for no apparent reason.
6. Scorpions - like ants and bees and England - have queens . . . apparently.
7. The scientists who genetically engineered the scorpions continually refer to them as insects while I, admittedly not a scientist, am pretty sure they are arachnids.
8. The "queen" scorpion, without aid of a trap door or opposable thumbs and without any reasonable explanation whatsoever (even a simple explanation like "because") becomes locked in the cockpit and the pilot needs only to close the door to trap it inside - it remains here for a long time.
9. The shot of the plane landing at LAX is the same shot of the plane leaving Australia leading one to believe LAX is surrounded by Victorian style homes and an 18 hole golf course.
10. The autopilot is simply a little metal box with a switch and a light titled "Auto Pilot" and it is activated without consideration of other flying wackiness like coordinates or destination - even The Langoliers had that.
11. No Rutger Hauer - sad, it is a movie of his finesse and caliber.
12. The cockpit windows are completely black despite repeated shots that the plane is flying during the day.
The Somewhat acceptable.
1. The "hackers" look like real hackers should - pale, overweight and not prone to things like human contact or socializing.
Overall - a bad movie. So bad it makes a movie like "Turbulence III: Heavy Metal" look like an Academy Award winner for Best Picture. The script was bad, the actors and actresses and boom mic operator even worse and the plot and character development was nowhere to be found. The special effects were atrocious - sure there were no CGI effects but the puppet effects were so horrific it would have been scarier with Gonzo, Grover, Professor Honeydew and Beaker as the queen.
Save yourself the sorrow of wallet victimization. See "Turbulence III: Heavy Metal", see "The Dead Next Door", see "Left Behind II: Tribulation Force" - don't see this . . . please . . . for the children.