bringbackberniew Reviews

The Holdovers (2023)

#1 Asset: a refreshing breath of fresh air blows away standard preachy, political trash of today

[11 May 2024]

Holdovers starts very slowly but eventually gains momentum. Not great but not being preachy is certainly a plus. Payne has doen far better: Sideways and The Descendants being obvious examples. This is fine, but mostly stands out for being not typical Hackneyedwood of today. I doubt is will be remembered though, other than by those who wonder how people go to visit Boston and Cambridge for the weekend and end up bowling in ... WAKEFIELD. At first, his head covered half the "Wakefield" sign. I did a double-take "Does that say Wakefield?" Sure nuf, it did. Bizarre. Oh, and then The Chateau restaurant in Waltham of all places. Double bizarre.

An indie dramedy is expected to be character- and writing-driven. Unfortunately, neither the characters nor the writing here are especially unique enough to structure a compelling plot around. Teacher and students are stereotypes. The building relationship between teacher and student is better handled. I have no idea how Randolph won an Oscar for this, not that I have any respect for the entire "Academy" system. Randolph is fine, but stands out in only minor ways, as in little looks she gives or short phrases at most. Otherwise, her character, Mary, is hugely sympathetic but hardly developed. Oscar? Come on.

Life (I) (2017)

Calvin and the Seven Knobs

[2 April 2024]

Dumbest group of astronauts ever assembled. Was I the only one who expected them to all hide behind a curtain and Calvin would come out with a chainsaw to cut them up?

The biologist Hugh alternates between foolish rainbows and unicorns dreams and then mumbo-jumbo.

The Russian commander has the perfect opportunity to get rid of it when it is on her outside the ISS. She can wrap both arms around it and then kick off the station with her legs, sending her and Calvin off into space. Does she do it? Nope.

And when she dies and floats away, THEY ALL START CRYING. I started laughing. How can you not?

When Calvin is trying to get in the thrusters, it has obviously moved all around the outside of the large station. It is so large, the astronauts were just bragging about the size in their PR event. So what do a few of them do? They keep asking "David, can you see it?" David is one guy looking out one peephole of a large object with many sharp angles. Yet, they keep asking "David, can you see it?" Oh, and was I the only one who knew that if they start firing thrusters they will end up out of orbit? Then they will have to fire them again to get back and ... well, we all saw what happened.

And before all this, when they caught the capsule returning from Mars, did you see the size of it and the speed? It costs money to shoot weight up into orbit. Everything up there is designed to prioritize low weight, not super-strength. There is no way they have a "remote arm" that is strong enough to have caught that (M x V) without breaking at a joint.

Now, last but not least, what was Jake Gyllenhaal trying to emulate? Rainman? Some other character I didn't recognize, maybe Sling Blade? He was so far out of it they would have sent him back to earth on the last ferry.

Oh, btw, I love how people say "the plot was believable". Right, because this same thing happened just a few years ago, didn't it? Do you want to know the one simple thing that killed the credibility of the plot. The idiotic Calvin starfish comes out of hibernation, grows up, and instantly knows how everything on the International Space Station. Calvin instantly recognizes how all kinds of man-made mechanisms and contraptions work. Sure. SURE HE DOES. If the human characters and human actions had been fine, I could have forgiven that obvious fabrication, but when the whole thing is a mess, well, CLICK. Off you go.

Ricky Stanicky (2024)

Absolutely Mystifying

[11 March 2024]

How in the entire universe is this supposed to be funny? Is this really by one of the Farrelys? I've enjoyed and defended a few of their films. This? What happened? Did they know they could trick me to watch this because I thought Cena was good in the only other movie I ever saw him in? Did I last even 30 minutes before shutting it off? Should I sell all my AMZN stock since they spend money making complete trash like this? Did it get better? How many of the high ratings around here for this trash were bought and paid for? Can people earn a living that way? Do they get a W2 and pay taxes? Does it come with dental?

Patriot (2015–2018)

If Wes Anderson were occasionally funny; if Coen Bros were purposely pointless

[19 February 2024]

And then they married and had a child, that child would be this show. It is THAT quirky and absurd and slow. It takes almost every one of Wes Anderson's style quirks and does them one better by occasionally actually being funny. There is even the express-emotion-by-expressly-not-expressing-emotion look on almost everyone's face.

It also has the slow, dark, pensive delivery of the Coen Bros. Unfortunately, it does NOT improve on the Coens. It is far too slow. I watched 4 episodes so far. I dare to say "Almost Nothing Happened". I know that is part of the point, but 4 episodes is almost 4 hours. Look at how much the Coens got done in 2 hours in No Country and in 1 hr 40 minutes in Fargo. Patriot should have tried to emulate THAT.

House M.D. (2004–2012)

Overall quite good BUT

[26 January 2024]

It is really fundamentally ridiculous. All kinds of "truly rare" diseases keep happening within 60 miles of this one hospital. AMAZING!

On the positive side, House and his team are all great or near-enough.

Now for the worst part. House and his ex. OMG. Every scene with House and her is full of melodramatic crap. Just annoying. Now, I have watched only a dozen or slightly more episodes in Seasons 1 and 2. In the last one I watched somebody said something about House forcing her to leave. So, maybe they figured out that was the worst part of the story-line and eliminated her, to (hopefully) never return.

Now that I have watched parts of S2, I have been proven right. These writers are self-destructive. They eliminated House's ex (smart move) but threw in this Tritter guy, who is EVEN WORSE than House's ex was, if that can be imagined.

House M.D.: Skin Deep (2006) Season 2, Episode 13

8 & higher? No way

[26 January 2024]

So many problems with this one. The "teenage supermodel" is said to be 15 yrs old. Well, guess what? She isn't all that attractive, certainly not "supermodel" territory. And, more obviously and crazily, the 15 year old looks like she is 25. 15? Seriously? Big GONG!

2nd GONG! Her dad looks maybe 10, maybe 12 yrs older than the supermodel. GONG! Horrific casting.

The story itself is just too convoluted and House does not act like House, which blah blah, leg pain.

On the positive side, I guess House's ex was not in this one. Yay! Some have far far too much time with House and his ex. Geez. That is the weakest on-going story-line in this show. I was skipping around Season 2 episodes. It seems like maybe 6 episodes earlier (in the airport) and in this they said House had "made her leave".

Reacher: A Night at the Symphony (2023) Season 2, Episode 4

funny how reaction to TV series is Same As To Book

[28 December 2023]

Before I start: Always great to see someone from The Wire. Props to casting / the producers for that.

I read 2 of these books. I read the one that became season 1 (plane / beach, same as most people prob do). I liked it enough to read the second one, which was the one that became season 2. The second book was so over-the-top ridiculous in many ways that I gave up and never read another Reacher.

TV series: I liked season 1 enough to watch season 2, even look forward to season 2. I forget my experience with the books. And here they go again. Season 2's story / action is over-the-top ridiculous in many ways. To make it worse, the music is over-bearing and the "chemistry" between the Special Agents is off.

Kimi (2022)

a grade-inflated "7" on today's dumbed-down

[23 July 2023]

Hackneyedwood scale. I doubt I am the first to say that the directing is what makes this film enjoyable. Soderbergh excels with the pacing, cinematography etc. I'm sure some blame it for being slow. I think it worked.

The acting was mostly average, to less than average. The script is full of stereotypical characters (let me say characters again because I need a lot of them). There were plot elements that simply went nowhere, deferring to a John Wick-type ending. Or maybe those elements went over my head? They sure didn't add complexity to the script.

So, if you accept the slow pace and can look past the stereotypes (doing so is mandatory for all of Hackneyedwood's output now), this is worth watching to the end.

The Bridge (2011–2018)

Rainwoman + Se7en + a big dose of Nordic Guilt. Turn your brain completely off for this

[7 June 2023]

Starts off strong, but JUMPS STHE SHARK over and over by S1 E6. It starts off very entertaining. The two main characters are well-written and acted. Unfortunately, the plot begins to lose all credibility after a few episodes.

Swedes got control because they thought it was a dead Swedish woman. 1 woman. Once they realized half the body was a Danish woman, the Danes would not just stand by and play second fiddle.

Bosses of both Saga and Martin are treated like after-thoughts. Saga's boss acts like a nothing. No managerial skills. No police skills. Nothing.

The girl dies right in the middle of drawing the murderers face.

Martin's son, August, is a plain old loser and so is Martin for putting up with it.

The murderer JUST HAPPENS TO BE STANDING THERE when Hennig is released. Wow, he has everything planned so well. When he wants to talk to Saga, she JUST HAPPENS to be sitting all alone waiting for someone to call her. When Hennig is released, he JUSY HAPPENS to be not busy doing anything. He JUSY HAPPENS to be standing there waiting for Hennig. What a crock.

The police work is terrible given that they don't really step back and ask themselves some key questions. They just keep reacting. Only at the end of S1E6 do they ask themseves something that seemed to me to be a likely avenue to research from almost the beginning.

And the list goes on. Well, at least they got some Nordic guilt out of their system.

The Menu (2022)

Not a single character to give half a damn about, again

[5 April 2023]

How many of these can Hackneyedwood crank out? I didn't finish it. Maybe Margot ends up being worth it. I don't know, don't care. I'm neither a FOODIE nor a FILMIE. The hugely ironic thing about this film is that the writers / director / whomever is using the chef to stand in for themselves. They hate THEIR customers. They hate them for being such sheep, for questioning the menu, for (GASP) asking for substitutions. THERE ARE NO SUBSTITUIONS AT HAWTHORN! Yet, those customers who the "artists" despise and ridicule do the obsessive thing and rattle off how awesome this menu, sorry, film is. Yawn.

The only reason I watched it is that I have an ex-friend who could be the role-model for Tyler. It didn't take long to be so glad that he is EX-friend.

5* for cinematography and being creative, just not at all enjoyable.

Drive My Car (2021)

A MOROSEterpiece with a little help from the Beatles

[21 March 2023]

This movie is as much fun as a handful of roofies followed by shots of tequila. If you love Beatles music watch this. A 65 year old guy and a young girl carry the weight of deaths in the family. The girl? She's leaving home and driving down a long and winding road. She uses the guy's old Saab. He loves the car because he is lousy at European geography so it used to give him morning Norwegian Wood, when he was 64. They decide to go on a day-tripper so the girl can get back to where she started from. Next, so they stop to make sun tea and rejoice when here comes the sun. He decides he wants to hold her hand while their tea-jar gently steeps. If only he dare ask "why don't we do it in the road?" Fade to yesterday.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970–1977)

starts very good

[19 March 2023]

And kept getting better through season 4. I'm at S5-E1, where Mary gets sent to jail for not naming her source. Another great episode. Seasons 1 & 2 were good, finding their pace, finding their voice. Season 3 even better and season 4 mostly top-notch, with frequent laugh-out-loud moments, but also lots of heart.

Honestly, I like Ted and Rhoda and Phyllis even more than I like Mary. And there are frequently "Hey look, that's So-and-So" in minor parts, like Henry Winkler, Penny Marshall, etc. Ted really starts to take over the show in Season 4, I think. The one flaw I see is Murray, who people seem to like, but to me he not only isn't funny but he usually looks stupid snickering at his own jokes. (not to mention the hideous sideburns)

Free Guy (2021)

Hit and Miss overwhelmed by simple-minded political agenda

[18 March 2023]

Hit: Ryan R is great as usual. His buddy, Buddy, also.

Miss: Proves you can ruin even a simple, fun film by dive-bombing super-preachy self-empowerment / activist nonsense into it. Yawn. CLICK. Did not finish watching.

Hit: I lived in and around Boston. I figured the city locations were CGI. Then I figured they must be based on "famous" places because I recognized almost all of them. It took awhile but I eventually realized "LOL" they were real shots of Boston, Worcester, etc. No wonder I recognized them. Been a long time since I've been there.

Miss: The plot ends up hinging on the playable character kissing the NPC, but they earlier bluntly told us the playable character cannot do that because "There is no button for that." Please, people, don't step on your own script.

Hit: was 99% sure the crazy CEO was that guy from the original "In the Shadows" TV show

Miss: I learned M Cariah ripped off Tom Tom Club for a song rhythm. If you want to use that in your soundtrack just use the better, original song.

Hit: the reference to The Truman Show was a nice touch, even in a wildly inferior film such as this.

The Rockford Files: 2 Into 5.56 Won't Go (1975) Season 2, Episode 10

I couldn't even finish this one

[18 March 2023]

The daughter, who hires Jim, is incredibly annoying. Worse yet, the actress, Jesses Welles, who plays her is simply a terrible actress. Everything is forced. Add in the "oh so eccentric" bt actually just ridiculous backstory crumbs of Jim's time in the military during the Korean war and the whole thing was like a B-Minus movie.

Honestly, probably half of the episodes I have watched are like "B Movies". I'm left wondering how this show was so popular. It is like the Anti-Columbo. Instead of having an annoying detective, we have a phony-charming private-I and most of the characters around him are annoying.

Did not finish so I will never know what the title means.

The Rockford Files: Pastoria Prime Pick (1975) Season 2, Episode 11

one of the silliest plots ever. ever.

[18 March 2023]

People call the writing on this show "sharp" and "slick"? What?

Some of it is quite entertaining, but much of it borders on silly. THIS episode drives over the border in broad daylight and stakes its claim as Silliest Rockford I Ever Saw. I've watched about half of the higher-rated episodes in S1 & S2, and that is what this is. Truthfully, I don't even trust the relative ratings among the episodes.

Probably the silliest part of it all is that we're supposed to believe that all of the people in this small town who are involved in the scam are all amazing actors worthy of Oscars.

Positives: the judge and Rockford's lawyer have good scenes and noticing some old time Cali scenery looks a heckuva lot like some of today's rural Cali scenery.

The Flight Attendant (2020–2022)

It is set in and around NYC so

[9 March 2023]

It is no surprise that it is filled with nasty, ignorant jerks and drunks. The surprises are HOW LITTLE PLOT there actually is and how dreadful most of the dialogue is. I borrowed the DVDs and forced myself to watch the entire qst DVD, so 4 or maybe 5 episodes. It was SO SLOW. It is just drawn out dreadful dialogue interspersed with K Couco drinking vodka and doing dumb crap all day as she bumbles through her pathetic life.

Aside from that, are scenes talking to the dead guy in her head and scenes bickering with her brother, neither of which add value not have any better dialogue.

The only good things here are KC's lawyer and the lawyer's not-boyfriend. Otherwise, it is just HBO filling air to get people to subscribe. Perfect example why I don't subscribe to any of those streamers. The rest of the DVDs will never be touched by me.

The Rockford Files (1974–1980)

strange show. I get why people like it, but

[9 March 2023]

It just doesn't do it for me. In fact, after watching a bunch of the highest-rated episodes is S1 & S2, I preferred the Red Dog with the lady PI and I thought Gearjammers 1&2 was goofy. The "surprise twist" at the end of Gearjammers was easy to spot early on also. And, except for Stuart Margolin's work in it, I thought the Chicken Little episode was goofy also. It seems the true Rockford fans think the opposite.

I get it, car chases, fast-talking, conning, semi-charming PI doesn't go around swearing and shooting people. In fact, the whole thing was a gentler, kinder time when fewer people got shot, and the writers went out of their way to make this show "comfortable". Oh, and more car chases, or truck chase in Gearjammers. And Margolin.

Brockmire (2017–2020)

tried Season 1 before cancelling Hulu. Nah.

[22 February 2023]

This show should be right in my strike zone. Amanda Peet, baseball (sort of a "Wild Thing" version of baseball anyway), bourbon, Azaria, how can you go wrong? Well, season 1 is frequently funny in a "will somebody please notice me?" way. It just isn't funny enough to compensate for the reality that it is mostly about an absurd relationship that supposedly hinges on both of them getting drunk and screwing. There are more than a few absurd things in this show, but the core relationship is a "10" on the absurd scale. That is a big handicap to overcome and it never manages to.

Is it true Amanda Peet isn't in Season 2? Huh? She is the best thing in this.

The Card Counter (2021)

Terrible films about "Tremendously Damaged People". No. It does not "get better"

[18 February 2023]

It is a sad sign for humanity that people "enjoy" this stuff. But, I will start with the one good aspect. LaLinda steals this movie. She just isn't on screen often enough. The rest is built on a patchwork of mysterious motivations, idiotic idiosyncricies, and people depending on and trusting other people foolishly. Oh, and nobody but LaLinda seeming to have any idea that "the future" might last longer than tomorrow.

The strange thing is that any of the casinos or racinos agreed to associate themselves with this film. Maybe you didn't know that casinos are a place to go to associate with "Tremendously Damaged People" pretending to have fun, most of whom drink their shallow days away. Maybe not. Watch this film. You'll get the idea.

The minimalist, annoying soundtrack fits like a glove, and all in all make this one of the worst films I have ever bothered to finish. "Maybe it'll get better" is a wasteful idea. 2* for the acting.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)

Much Ado About Nicolas Cage. Why is that "a thing"?

[29 January 2023]

Adaptation anyone? Strange film. They took Adaptation, but made it be about the lead actor Nicolas Cage instead of being about the screenwriter. First off, it is frequently very funny. But, somehow, it drags dreadfully. There was no way I could finish this in one sitting. It seems like it is 3 hours long.

Cage and Javi excel in the lead bromance. There is more chemistry there than in 98% of Hackneyedwood's romances. Given the quality of the humor and the bromance, I don't know why it seems to drag so badly. It is probably because I normally cannot abide movies about actors or film-making at all. Such narcissistic BS.

Summary:; I learned that Nic Cage has super-fans. Strange world.

Jesse Stone: Night Passage (2006 TV Movie)

Entertaining, BUT

[22 January 2023]

The swiss-cheese plot and the "every pretty woman in town wants to sleep with the well-past-middle-aged drunk " hilarity eventually made me wonder why I was watching it. Answer: knowing the Massachusetts coast, I thought it'd be fun to try to figure out where they filmed it. Well, by the looks of the bridge they show, I think it was not in Massachusetts.

Great example of how Hackneyedwood plays with perspective: the town this is SUPPOSED TO BE IN, is "Paradise, MA", which would rightfully be something like Rockport or Manchester-By-The-Sea, is the same as the town you see in the beginning of "The Perfect Storm". But in The Perfect Storm it is cast as a depressing dead-end. Here, it is "Paradise". Good one.

I watched this and the Stone Cold episode. Same exact review for both.

Jesse Stone: Stone Cold (2005 TV Movie)

Entertaining, BUT

[22 January 2023]

The swiss-cheese plot and the "every pretty woman in town wants to sleep with the middle-aged drunk " hilarity eventually made me wonder why I was watching it. Answer: knowing the Massachusetts coast, I thought it'd be fun to try to figure out where they filmed it. Well, by the looks of the bridge they show, I think it was not in Massachusetts.

Great example of how Hackneyedwood plays with perspective: the town this is SUPPOSED TO BE IN, is "Paradise, MA", which would rightfully be something like Rockport or Manchester-By-The-Sea, is the same as the town you see in the beginning of "The Perfect Storm". But in The Perfect Storm it is cast as a depressing dead-end. Here, it is "Paradise". Good one.

I watched this and the prequel episode. Same exact review for both.

Thief (1981)

ridiculous characters doing "accurate" crime = No Thanks

[6 December 2022]

Just watch Miami Vice again. At least then you get Miami instead of ugly Chicago. Many films that want to look ugly choose to film in Chicago. It is perfect for that. Thief joined that list.

The most ridiculous character belonged to Willie Nelson. In Willie's major scene, he has a goofy look on his face and seems to want to start making out with Caan.

Weld's character is given a thin veneer of a ridiculous back-story and then proceeds to make nothing but ridiculous decisions. I can see why women complain about how they are portrayed in films like this.

Caan's lead is all brawn, no brains. Maybe some people relate to that?

The dialogue is often unintentionally hilarious. And then people actually quote this stuff. Roll over, Shakespeare and every other quality writer.

The dreamy techno score doesn't fit the nasty, violent script and even worse, it may make you want to take a nap as you realize how little you care for any of this.

Bikinis or Chubby Belushi, you decide.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

For Teen Eyes Only

[8 November 2022]

I did not even finish this. If you're over 20, save yourself the trouble. Don't start watching it. A bunch of "Isle of Misfit Toys" high-schoolers spend their time trying to pretend how eccentric they are. Bo-Ring. They are "alt" music experts but somehow the three main characters have never heard Bowie's "Heroes". Seriously, how do we take this seriously? But they're the leads in a Rocky Horror fan-fest. Every weekend? Who knows.

Maybe the craziest thing is that a couple of senior girls are infatuated with this freshman. Sorry. Won't happen. And the freshman obviously has some TBA psychological problem that, sorry, I couldn't invest the time in. I can guess, but I don't care. At all.

Adaptation. (2002)

If even I get it, it isn't THAT clever

[5 November 2022]

Let us get this out of the way: the acting is to-notch and it is clever. But I think I get most of the "clever bits", so not THAT clever. Since I pull no punches in calling out Hackneyedwood's lack of creativity, I have to give this a "10" on the anti-Hackneyedwood scale. I then have to subtract a point for making me sit thru that ending. Eeee-gads.

Here is what I, simple little I, get.

(1) He can't seem to write a script for this book, mostly because (LOL) "nothing happens". But, part of the film we watch is what he would write if he would just get going and write it.

(2) The kind of goofy, totally inexperienced TWIN brother has little problem putting 1 foot in front of another and writing an excellent (but really totally Hackneyedwood) screenplay (according to the agent). Yet, the experienced, smarter, creative twin has writers block, because he is actually trying to be original in adapting a unique book.

(3) It is highly improbable that Charlie would go to the workshop of another screenwriter in NYC. Also highly improbably that the other screenwriter wouldn't recognize him. Then the other screenwriter adamantly warns him to "Never Use Deus Ex Machina. Never." The core of DEM is that something improbable happens, so there we are.

(4) At one point, Charlie says something about refusing to write sex, drugs, and other cheap thrills into his screenplay. Then, this film, Adaptation, plunges headfirst into sex, drugs, and other cheap thrills in its final 30 minutes.

(5) The other screenwriter even told Charlie that the rest of the film doesn't really matter; as long as the ending is great, it will be a hit. Then, again, what we get is a crap ending attached to a great film.

I do especially like that #5. It is hilarious.