Jordan-M Reviews

House of the Dead (2003)

Stupid, Flawed, and Poor - But Still Fun.

[12 March 2004]

I remember seeing "House of the Dead" during its initial theatrical run because I had been following the movie's production for quite a while before hand - and it seemed to be very promising. On top of that, I'm a HUGE fan of the games, and that was the main incentive for me to look into it in the first place.

The film in and of itself is a travesty; a jumble of gore, sex, and haphazard character development. Some scenes happen for no reason, other scenes go on much longer than they should, and the overall narrative suffers because of it. An example of the Oscar-worthy script:

RUDY: "You created it all so you could be immortal. WHY?"

CASTILLO: "...To live forever."

A big problem "House of the Dead" suffers from is an identity crisis. Is it a horror movie? Is it an action movie? Is it a love story? Is it a tragedy? Is it a comedy? We may never know.

Acting is a mixed bag, too. Some of the cast are likable, namely "Captain Kirk" who gets all of the one-liners (not to mention the most memorable scenes/kills). The majority of the actors/actresses are just incapable of, well, acting. Sure, this is a B-movie based on a videogame... but are decent characters too much to ask for?

The centerpiece of the movie, a giant battle between the survivors and a small army of zombies, is a novel idea - which is for the most part carried out well. There are only a few things working against it; namely the EXTREME OVERUSE of the 360-degree camera spin. A lot of the time they use it for no reason, and in a way it hurts the action more than it helps. And, when the 7 minute sequence is over, they show it AGAIN in fast-forward for about 10 seconds. Why? Well, I guess they realize how short the typical viewer's attention span is.

All of the complaints aside, it's time to address the GOOD points of the movie. First of all, the zombies. Clearly this is what the most time, money, and care was spent on. Their designs are amazing - some of the best in any zombie movie. Secondly, the effects and look of the film. A lot of the gore, guns, sets and makeup show semi-quality production value. Third, the soundtrack. While it's generally oppressive techno/metal/rap, it definitely suits the movie's overall feel well, and often helps to elevate what's happening onscreen. And, while it's kind of a cheap selling point - the women are very easy on the eyes; namely "Alicia".

After watching the DVD and listening to producer Mark A. Altman's commentary (who happens to be a big fan of the games as well), I felt kind of bad for him because he originally had a LOT of good ideas that were cut from the movie or never even filmed due to budget/time constraints, or director Uwe Boll just not wanting to use them. Had Altman's ideas been carried over, "House of the Dead" could have been FAR better than it ended up.

That said, if you haven't seen this movie yet, you should already know what to expect by now. At most, this goes under the "so bad it's good" category, but even then that's cutting it close. Personally I can still enjoy watching it - which I do - but if you ask me WHY I enjoy it I can't give you a clear answer. If you're brave, rent it first. You may end up almost kind of liking it, like I do.

In Hell (2003)

A Surprise - Quite Possibly Van Damme's Best Movie.

[10/10 · 19 November 2003]

When I first read the synopsis for "In Hell", Van Damme's latest direct-to-video effort, I was unimpressed. It essentially sounded like a throwback to "Death Warrant", another movie in which Van Damme goes to prison and is forced to fight.

When I took time to watch it though, I can honestly say I WAS impressed. Van Damme has come a very long way from his "Bloodsport" days, and he actually is convincing in his role. Don't get me wrong, he won't be winning any Oscars soon, but he has become a good actor - and it shows here. He makes the character metamorphosis (from family man to brutal killer) work. The people who berate Van Damme on his inability to emote have no room to do so this time around. He's a very sympathetic character.

Another surprise: Van Damme doesn't know martial arts in this movie. He doesn't do the trademark "splits" or "high kick". He's just a regular guy trying to survive the situation he's been put into. A lot of the time he actually gets beaten up and tortured. It's not until he becomes a "monster" that he starts holding his own in fights.

Credit must be given to Ringo Lam. As in "Replicant", the man knows how to take what could otherwise be Van Damme trash and turn it into Van Damme treasure. He clearly shows us the dark, gritty world of "In Hell", and pulls no punches. The fights in this movie are just plain BRUTAL. Kicks to the head of someone while they're down, stomps to the ribs, punches to the neck - there are no "nice, friendly" battles here.

There actually is one scene *POTENTIAL SPOILER* in which Van Damme finally snaps after grotesquely killing one of the inmates, that is hard to watch. It just shows how much of a toll the prison has taken on him as an inmate, and as a human being. *SPOILER OVER*

It's unfortunate that this movie will never get a U.S. theatrical release, because if it did I have a feeling that most people would be very impressed with how much of an improvement Van Damme has made as an actor. At this point I'd say "In Hell" is in the high echelon of direct-to-video movies, and it definitely deserves a rental if not a purchase.

I hope Van Damme continues to make movies like this, and turns down projects like "Derailed". If he does, then who knows? He may be a big shot in Hollywood again someday.

Returner (2002)

More Style Than Substance - But Man, Such Great STYLE!

[17 October 2003]

"Returner" isn't going to be remembered for it's story. It won't be remembered for it's dramatic value. It probably won't even be remembered for the cool characters. Nope, instead whenever the average moviegoer thinks of "Returner" all they'll remember is the action scenes and how awesome Takeshi Kaneshiro looks in Matrix-wear.

But first things first. There's a movie somewhere inside of these slo-mo shootouts, and it's a fairly decent one at that.

In the future, humanity is being devastated by the Daggra, a nigh-unstoppable alien race. A young girl, the "Returner" of the title, manages to make a jump back in time to October, 2002 and an attempt to figure out just how the alien menace began.

Turns out the Yakuza have taken a stray Daggra baby hostage (for some reason or another). A huge fleet of Daggra ships are on the way to Earth to pick up their little lost lamb. So the girl must find a way to get the alien baby back home before some Japanese mafia guys send it back home in pieces. This is where Kaneshiro's cool assassin guy comes into play. I won't tell you anymore, except for this - I loved the ending. I didn't see it coming from a mile away, and how it brings everything full-circle is excellent.

As for the action scenes, the matrix comparisons are unavoidable... Although in Returner they're done imaginatively enough to retain some freshness. I have to say this - the scene where Millie tosses a mug of water into the air, freezes time and catches the falling water in the mug is still one of the most impressive special effects I've ever seen in my life.

In the end, if you want an action/sci-fi movie that's mainstream, but offbeat enough to keep a unique identity, then go with "Returner". It's highly enjoyable, and just as highly recommended.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

"Rogan's Kung Fu Is Unorthodox..."

[17 October 2003]

"The Story Of Ricky" is a cult movie, through and through. It's also one of those movies you either love or hate. There really is no room for middle ground here.

The best moniker for this movie would be "The Mother of All Gory Kung Fu Movies". Yes, it even outdoes the recent "Kill Bill" in the over-the-top bloodshed aspect.

The storyline is rather unimportant, but I'll address it anyway. Ricky Ho, a rather young man, is sent to a notorious prison for a manslaughter conviction. Once he arrives there, he gets stopped at a metal detector because as it turns out, there are 6 bullets embedded in his chest. Ricky's excuse? "Souvenirs." Not long after that, Ricky realizes there's something sinister at work in this prison. People are being murdered for no reason, and "The Gang Of Four" are running rampant - led by the assistant warden, a rather disgusting man with a glass eye that contains mints. During his stay, Ricky befriends some of the inmates, and becomes an underdog hero against the gang of four, whom he takes on one at a time - usually with a very splattered outcome. Here's some examples:

*POTENTIAL SPOILERS* 1)Ricky punches through one side of a fat man's stomach, and out through the other, causing blood to come out like a waterfall. 2)Ricky punches a man in the face while he's falling, subsequently shattering his skull. 3)One member of the gang of four makes a prisoner's head resemble a watermelon at a Gallagher comedy act. 4)One of the gang of four members, after disembowling himself, attempts to strangle Ricky with his intestines. The list goes on and on. *SPOILERS OVER*

If you're looking for something to do on a boring weekend, do yourself a favor and watch "The Story Of Ricky" with a group of like-minded friends. You won't regret it... unless you have no tolerance for gore. Buckets and buckets of gore.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Not Bad... Not Bad At All!

[15 October 2003]

I was fortunate enough to score a few tickets to the premiere of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake, and I have to say it exceeded my expectations. The original TCM is one of the movies that introduced me to the horror genre, and because of that I was very concerned that they would try to make this movie more accessible to the "MTV generation" by relying more on flashy visuals and unneccesary humor rather than gritty, all-out gore.

Fortunately, those concerns were quickly pushed aside.

While the movie can never be praised for originality, credit must be given to the filmmakers for adding new ideas and changing parts of the movie so that even long-time fans won't be sure of what to expect.

A lot of care was put into Leatherface in this incarnation - considering that he's what makes the whole thing scary to begin with. In my own honest opinion, he's way more frightening in this version than the original. Not that the original wasn't - but here it's just that he's more fast, powerful, and deadly. Even better, he doesn't pop out at times you're expecting him to, but rather... when you least expect it. There are some homages to the first TCM present, so at least the new blood pays respect to the old.

So, if you like horror, go on and see this movie. If not for ol' Leatherface, then at least see it to let the studios know "Hey, we need more movies with Jessica Biel getting drenched, whilst wearing a white top."

Extreme Crisis (1998)

Only Action-Junkies Need Apply...

[14 October 2003]

"Extreme Crisis" is what we typically refer to as a "no-substance" kind of movie. If you want things like character development, cohesive plotline, and drama... go watch "Infernal Affairs." If you want a movie that's about 20% talk and 80% action, then this movie's right up your alley.

The story (thin, but still present) revolves around Kenya Sawada's character, an SDU team leader whose entire squad is wiped out by a terrorist cult in the first 5 minutes of the movie. Stricken with grief, he visits all of their graves on a regular basis. One day, though, a hot-shot cop (played by Julian Cheung) meets up with him - because as it turns out the terrorists that had killed the SDU team are now planning a sarin attack on all of Hong Kong.

Much shooting, exploding, and chasing ensues.

In this movie, the terrorists are extremely cold-blooded. When they take over a TV station, you can be assured that there'll be more dead hostages than living ones by the end. There's even a scene where a child gets shot at point-blank range. Also, don't get too fond of the characters in this movie. Without spoiling anything for you, I can say that not many of them make it to the end.

All of that aside, the movie's strength rests in its action scenes - which are some of the most well-done I've seen in a long time. My favorite would probably have to be a tense shootout/fistfight inside of a restroom. There's also other eye-candy as well, like a scene in which a row of police cars are simultaneously blown-up, flipping in the air almost like an automobile-ballet.

So, in the end, if you just want an action movie for action's sake, Extreme Crisis is a good way to go. If you want something that'll leave a lasting impression on you, look elsewhere.

Young and Dangerous (1996)

A Classic, In Any Right.

[20 July 2003]

"Young And Dangerous" is one of those films that is known about by anyone even vaguely familiar with Hong Kong movies, and for one reason. It's excellent.

The characters, the actors (Francis Ng is an excellent villain), the story, even the musical score all combine to make this one unforgettable film. Themes like loyalty, trust, and friendship in general figure heavily into the plot - which really makes for a strong narrative.

As in most movies concerning the Triads, there is a lot of violence. The thing is, in "Y&D" it isn't extremely glorified, nor is it downplayed. It's just there - for you to judge on your own. Surprisingly, the violence in this film actually serves to move along the story, not just for a "wow" factor like in many other HK features.

At any rate, if you're new to HK movies, or are just looking for a good gangster action/drama, then by ALL means rent (or buy) a copy of "Young And Dangerous." You'll thank me later.

Down to Hell (1997)

A True Glimpse Of Humble Beginnings...

[6/10 · 4 July 2003]

I had seen Ryuhei Kitamura's phenomenal "Versus" before this, so my expectations were a bit different than what I ended up seeing...

But "Down To Hell" is one interesting little movie.

The story is simple - and the dialogue is kept to a minimum. Basically, a man is kidnapped by 4 other men, and is forced in a "survival game" through the woods.

Here, he is given a 10 minute head start, and gets three choices of how to end the game. 1) He finds a way to escape, regardless of the fact that they're miles from the nearest road. 2) He kills the four of them, or 3) He himself is killed, and "escapes to hell" (hence the title.)

*SPOILERS!!!* The poor guy doesn't last too long, and after a few close calls, actually gets killed after a throat-slitting and a brutal beating with a chain. The murderer turns his attention for a moment, and when he looks back - THE CORPSE IS GONE! Now, roles are reversed as the hunters become the hunted of a vengeful cadaver. *SPOILERS OVER!*

While watching this, you can almost see Kitamura's style developing through the filming - by the end, the kinetic camera movements and wild editing definitely foreshadow the look of "Versus", which actually helps it immensely. This movie clocks in rather short, at just under an hour... But it's best that way. Personally, I'm surprised they got as much film time out of it as they did. Regardless, it's worth a look if you loved Versus - but buy it cheap if possible. A cool feature on the DVD is a teaser trailer for "Versus", or as it was first called "Down 2 Hell." Just be warned... It IS seizure-inducing - they love that strobelight.

Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos (1986)

"It's Ok, Kids! I'm Chuck Norris!"

[7 April 2003]

"Chuck Norris, Karate Kommandos" is one of the several dozen TV shows based around an action hero to come out in the mid-80's. This show, as far as action cartoons are concerned, hit all the right spots.

Pointless explosions? Check. Complete and utter disregard for continuity (i.e. Chuck Norris riding a motorcycle one second, and suddenly appearing on the back of a truck without ever showing how he got there)? Check. Children constantly in peril? Check. Ninjas, ninjas, and more ninjas? Check.

All of this, and Mr. Norris' physique which in this cartoon is about twice as buff as the actual guy (which is clear because he spends most of the show shirtless, for some reason). Even funnier, they call this show "Karate Commandos", but there's a minimal emphasis on "Karate." Most of the action involves laser guns and falling steel beams. The funniest scene I remember on this show is where Chuck Norris steals a bike from a little kid, and the kid gets all upset. Then Chuck Norris, as he heads off towards evildoers (via the kid's bike), turns back to the kid (and his friends) and says "It's Ok, Kids! I'm Chuck Norris!"

At the beginning and end of every episode, the REAL Chuck Norris, usually at a Gym or Martial Arts Studio, would talk to the camera - or us, the audience - about the moral of the day's episode, whether it be telling the truth, being a good friend, or... in an ironic turn, not stealing things from others. I guess that doesn't include bicycles?

Willard (2003)

"Start My Life Over? I WAS ALMOST DONE!"

[8/10 · 15 March 2003]

First and foremost, let me say that Crispin Glover is what makes this movie what it is. Not the rats, not the suspense - although both come in plentiful supply - but Glover's performance as Willard. His nervous, twitching, perpetually sweating expressions will be remembered for a long time to come. That said, on to the review.

"Willard" is the story of a man who lives at home with his overbearing mother, keeps to himself, and gets pushed around by his boss - who is slowly taking over the business that Willard's father (now deceased) started. Things continue along this path, until Willard discovers a small white rat in his basement. It is able to get around all of the set rat-traps, so Willard befriends the rat and names it "Socrates" due to its intelligence.

Not long after that Socrates' family and friends start showing up, and Willard discovers that he is able to communicate with his newfound little friends. Subsequently, he uses this power to his advantage by exacting revenge on his wrongdoers. Not all is well, though. A large, powerful rat named "Ben" shows up one day and threatens to overthrow Willard and Socrates' control over the growing rat army. Where the film goes from there, I'll let you see for yourself.

As for my opinion of "Willard" I have to say that I really enjoyed the picture. Crispin Glover has proven that he is really a great actor, and deserves more than to be referred to as "George McFly." Here's hoping that he gets bigger leading roles in the future (and I don't mean "Thin Man" from Charlie's Angels, either.)

Cradle 2 the Grave (2003)

Substance 2 The Grave.

[15 March 2003]

"Cradle 2 The Grave" is an action movie by the same people who brought you Romeo Must Die and Exit Wounds... And it shows. Skeleton-thin story, two-dimensional characters, and action for action's sake. Usually when you watch an action movie - not always, but usually - the action scenes serve as a means to tie the story together. In this movie, the exact opposite is true. Therefore, the flow of narrative serves only to fill the gaps between scenes where Jet Li unleashes Wushu fury on his opponents, who for the most part tend to be guys who are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The action is well done, don't get me wrong, but for some reason Jet Li just seems uncomfortable here. Perhaps it's just the role he was given, but for some reason he never quite "clicked" with everything else that was going on.

Another gripe I had about the movie is that we're told who everyone is by other characters. Instead of showing Jet's history with the villain portrayed by Mark Dacascos, we just hear Jet saying "We used to be on the same side, he betrayed us, etc. etc." This keeps things going along at a fast pace, but personally I like my movies fleshed out a little bit - even a flashback scene would have been enough. Since it's not, the final battle really doesn't mean anything. Oh well, I guess I'm just asking too much.

I suppose that after "Kiss of the Dragon" and even "The One" I was expecting Jet Li's U.S. track record to improve, not slide backwards 3 years, to "Romeo Must Die" status. Perhaps after "Hero" is released state side we'll start getting some good projects from Li. Until then, we'll have to deal with more DMX (Get At Me, Dawg!) movies.

For now, I'll continue to watch Fist of Legend. If you haven't, I recommend you see that rather than this.

Volcano High (2001)

It Sure Beats The High School I Went To!

[11 February 2003]

"Volcano High" takes every Anime high school cliche ever made and slaps them all together in a two hour extravaganza of amazing special effects, side-splitting humor, and an intentionally overacting cast. The result is cinematic perfection.

The main story is about Kim Kyeong-Su, a young man who seems to get into fights no matter where he goes - causing him to be kicked out of 8 schools previous to Volcano High. This is his ninth and final chance at success, so he can't afford to mess up. Unfortunately for Kim, Volcano High is a school that thrives on fighting - and Kim, being the new guy, is prime choice. Because of this, he spends a lot of the time getting his hindside handed to him. Once a conspiracy to overthrow the principal and introduce capital punishment to the student body comes into play, Kim realizes he can no longer stand by and let things unravel this way. Therefore, he decides to join the other students in a battle against the newly hired teachers designed to wipe out all of the fighters at Volcano High...

Which is where we, the unwitting audience, bear witness to some of the most insane battles ever displayed on film. The final battle has to be seen to be believed - but that's all I'm going to say! I leave it up to you to watch the movie for yourself. Trust me, it's hard to find, but worth the effort... Especially Hyo-jin Kong as So Yo-Seon!

"Volcano High" ranks up quite high in my list of favorites. See it for yourself, and discover if you feel the same way!

The Transporter (2002)

Corey Yuen Has Done It Again!

[11 February 2003]

After seeing Jason Statham get smacked around by a super-charged Jet Li in "The One", it's quite amazing to see him doing the smacking around this time. Fortunately, all of the action seen here is really Statham's doing, not wire work or special effects - for the most part, anyway.

This guy has intensity. Even when he goes to get a couple of sodas from a vending machine, you can't tell if he's going to give that ol' machine a running spinkick or not!

Of course, not all is serious in the world of "The Transporter". There's also some humor - some of it light, some of it dark, some of it sexual. Fortunately, it doesn't offset all of the high-octane craziness going on, whether it be *SEMI-SPOILERS* a souped-up BMW defying the laws of gravity, deflection of a ballistic missile with a silver dinner tray, or "greased pig/pedaled foot style" martial arts.

"The Transporter" is a movie that you definitely should not pass up if you like action. Period. In fact, after watching it you may find yourself nodding off at other recent Hollywood actioners - "XxX", Anyone?

Avalon (2001)

One Of Those "Ahead Of Its Time" Movies.

[10/10 · 10 February 2003]

Avalon is one of the most different films I've ever seen. This is a good thing! Very rarely does a film like this come along, a film that makes one question the way other films are made.

Of course, Avalon isn't so much a cinematic experience as much as it is a visual work of art. It was daring how they decided to present everything in a sepia tone - a throwback to silent films, which resulted in some striking visuals. Even a virtual war-torn world managed to look gorgeous.

The story, contrary to popular belief, isn't as complicated or confusing as many have said it is. It's rather simple - the main characters' struggle with reality and unreality - and trying to find the difference between the two.

As for the pace, yes it's slow. Of course, if you have this thing called an "attention span" you shouldn't mind. Because even though there aren't explosions every five minutes, there is conversation. When there isn't conversation, there's atmosphere. Try taking some of it in while watching! The music, as most have said, is simply astounding.

In conclusion, "Avalon" is probably one of those titles that will never be fully appreciated, and will find its place with a small cult following. It's unfortunate, really, because the film deserves better.

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Ugly, Ugly Movie...

[8 February 2003]

After watching "I Spit On Your Grave", I just kind of sat staring at the TV, trying to figure out what I had just seen. On one hand, my brain tells me it WAS a movie, because it clocks in at about an hour and a half. On the other hand, my brain tells me it was just a snuff film. So, for the most part, we have an hour and a half long snuff film. Difference is, this one has a story. More or less.

By now, you've probably read about the plot: woman goes to reclusive cabin in the woods, gets "attacked" by 4 guys she meets along the way... Sounds simple enough, but the way it was shown was just excruciating. It would be one thing to show the "attack" happen and begin the next scene with the woman recovering in her house - but instead we're shown four - count 'em, FOUR - "attack" scenes, which get progressively more and more disturbing. After each one, it shows her stumbling, then crawling through the wilderness, muddier and even more bruised and battered after each encounter with the country boys. The hardest part of this movie to watch are the scenes where there is almost no sound, just the image of the main character trudging through the forest with a vacant expression on her face, covered in mud and cuts. These parts actually go on upwards of 2 to 4 minutes at a time.

The thing is, even though our male villains are amoral for the most part, the one I did feel sympathy for was Matthew, the "mentally challenged" of the group. The only reason he did anything wrong in the first place was because the other 3 teased, harassed, and bullied him into it.

*POTENTIAL SPOILER* For example, when Camille Keaton's character has fully recovered, she calls the grocery store in which Matthew does deliveries. He comes to her cabin, where she seduces - and subsequently kills him. This is the scene in which a more conflicted side of Matthew is shown. He says "I don't have any friends except for those guys! Sure, I could've been YOUR friend... But you're only here for the summer! What am I supposed to do the rest of the year?" This was the instance in which it made me actually feel sorry for one of the guys who got dispatched. Other than that, the other three got exactly what came to them, especially the ringleader during the bathtub scene (which actually made me feel nauseous). *SPOILER OVER*

"I Spit On Your Grave" is exactly what people say it is - an ugly, dirty exploitation film. Of course, maybe the director had that in mind. Regardless, I did not enjoy watching it too much, and it's hard to explain to guests exactly WHY it's part of my DVD collection. To be honest, I really don't know. Perhaps because I heard it's a cult classic - and I'm always up for those. This time though, it was different. It didn't make me laugh or say "This is an awful movie." In fact, this is one of the only movies EVER that has managed to not get a clear reaction from me... simply because I didn't know what to make of it. Watch if you must, but watch responsibly.

Bio-Zombie (1998)

"Stand Still If You Want Me To Punch You!"

[7 February 2003]

Bio Zombie is a refreshing take on the zombie movie genre. The two protagonists, "Woody Invincible" and "Crazy Bee" (why couldn't mom give me a cool name like those?) are by far some of the coolest characters to emerge from a zombie movie in a long time - right under Ash from the Evil Dead series. They're two complete punks who work at a shopping mall's Video store - who sell bootlegs of movies THEY videotape at theaters. In their free time, they're heckling other mall merchants and playing "House of the Dead" on Sega Saturn... Foreshadowing, foreshadowing!

The main story starts off when some Iraqi black market dealers sell some Chinese officials a deadly biological weapon that kills people and instantly re-animates their corpses, creating unstoppable monsters that attack everything in sight. Woody Invincible and Crazy Bee are driving their boss' car - obviously not obeying the speed limit - and run over the agent who is carrying the bio-weapon, conveniently disguised as a popular soft drink. Our two heroes get out of the car to check the guy, who mutters something about the drink he dropped. Woody Invincible and Crazy Bee think that he wants to drink it, so they pour it down his esophogus, and stuff him in the trunk of the car. When they return to the mall, they check the trunk and find that the body is missing. Not long after that, all hell breaks loose.

At this point, you have a swarm of newly formed zombies stumbling into the mall where the two main characters (along with survivors like Rolls, the love interest) are trapped. You would think that this is where it becomes just another zombie movie, but boy are you mistaken! Some of the best scenes include one where actual game footage from "House of the Dead" is intercut with Woody Invincible fighting off a mall-cop zombie, Rolls pretending to be a zombie and TRYING to indulge in some finger food (after Bio Zombie, that term takes on a new meaning), or character stats screens a la "Resident Evil." You'll get enough kicks out of Bio Zombie to consider yourself a Van Damme villain!

Bio Zombie is quirky, offbeat, funny, and entertaining - which makes it one of the best horror movies I've seen in a LONG time. If you're into the genre, go out and find yourself a copy.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Too Epic For Its Own Good?

[7 February 2003]

With Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, you have a nearly 3 hour long film that could have easily been half that long, had they trimmed down the overused "sweeping epic countryside scenes" that remind us time and time again that yes - our heroes really ARE out in the middle of nowhere! Seriously, after seeing our 3 protagonists look like dots in a meadow surrounded by mountains for the 17th time, I get the idea that they're on an adventure! Enough already!

Just a small quibble.

Another issue I had with this film (because at this point enough money/fuss has been made from the LOTR franchise to use the lowly term "movie") was the buildup of the war between the humans and the orcs. You get the idea that this battle is HUGE - because it is for the first 30 seconds. After that it cuts back and forth from Aragorn and Legolas kicking arse to A GIANT FRIGGIN' TREE talking to two HOBBITS. This really hurts the battle scene, because it takes away the focus to place it onto something that smacks a bit of some anti-pollution cartoon from the early 1990's. (Ex: A tree telling children the dangers of pollution.)

Once again, a small quibble.

Gimli... Now there's a mixed bag if there ever was one. His emotions, great. His animation, great. His voice, great. So, you ask, what's the problem? The problem is that he just seems out of place here. Now, I know he ISN'T because he's an integral part of the series, but the way he's portrayed in the movie just kind of offsets the whole pace and balance of the thing.

Once again, a small quibble.

Above all else, what irritated me most about this film was the big deal everyone was making over what how great it was. I liked the first one just fine, but after watching this I have to say that it is really, really forgettable. Honestly, there really wasn't that much that stood out. Or PERHAPS ALL of it stood out so much that it kind of cancelled itself out. That's the price you pay for a 3 hour epic of epics.

Once again, a small quibble. Of course, all of these small quibbles add up to one BIG quibble - that being "less yackin', more hackin'!"

The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996)

The Greatest Cartoony-Type Show EVER!

[7 February 2003]

I remember watching this show on Nickelodeon when I was a young lad. Those were the days... We didn't HAVE any "Cartoon Network" back then. Just good ol' Nickelodeon. "Ren & Stimpy" was 1/3 of the first 3 Nicktoons to come out, the other two being "Doug" and "Rugrats".

Every episode of Ren & Stimpy was great, simply because you'd never know what to expect - especially when the elements of Ren's volatile psychoses and Stimpy's befuddling stupidity combined. More often than not, you'd realize that some of the stuff they talk about on the show isn't aimed at children, like this excerpt from "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" by Stinky Weaselteats:

"All the little critters in nature... they don't know that they're ugly. That's very funny! A fly marrying a bumblebee... I TOLDJA I'D SHOOT! BUT YA DIDN'T BELIEVE ME! WHYYYY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME!" ...Which explains the downfall of the show. Execs at Nickelodeon figured that kids don't get, or for that matter LIKE cartoons in which questionable things happened. Therefore, the show got edited, re-edited, and eventually canned. It's unfortunate, because I believe that this was the greatest thing to ever come out of Nickelodeon. This, and "Salute Your Shorts." Oh well. At this point your best bet would be to look for reruns on VH1 or old VHS copies of the show. Pick it up if you can, because this show is a testament to creativity in animation... something of a dying breed.

American Shaolin (1991)

"Shaolin Temple Blues!"

[26 January 2003]

Yeah, the only song this entire movie had (that I could remember) was "The Shaolin Temple Blues" which really didn't sound like the blues at all, but instead a strange perversion of a Bruce Springsteen song. All of the lyrics are about working minimum wage and going out on dates Saturday Night... But the chorus says "Shaolin Temple Blues", not "Summertime Blues" like they sing at first. Of course, this can all be forgiven once we are shown Shaolin Monks playing Air Guitar.

The movie's story is about as run-of-the-mill as run-of-the-mill can get. Ugly American (and BOY is he ugh-lee this time around!) gets beaten and humiliated in the first 5 minutes of the movie, then goes and gets trained by someone who doesn't accept him at first, until he begins to understand the ways of the martial arts. From that point, he goes on to defeat the bad guy in the last 5 minutes of the movie.

This happened in "The Karate Kid", "No Retreat, No Surrender", and countless others! Even "KING OF THE KICKBOXERS PART ONE"!

Anyway, Corey Yuen did the fight coreography for this film, and it shows by the overall quality. Unfortunately, the bright spots seen are overshadowed by some astoundingly bad parts... whether it be the Shaolin Temple getting exposed to Playboy Magazine, a group of Shaolin Monks going to a high school dance, or Drew poplocking in front of his fellow student monks. What can I say? It's goofy as all hell.

For $6.99 on DVD, I can't really say it's a loss of money, but at the same time you'd be better off sticking with something else. At least "No Retreat, No Surrender" has Jean-Claude Van Damme.

One last note: Am I the only person here disturbed by the fact that the only way the main villain seems to be able to win a fight is by pulling down his opponent's pants?!

The Avenging Fist (2001)

"Heyyy! One More!"

[4 January 2003]

"The Avenging Fist" is one of the many HK Special Effect movies to come out over the last few years. It stands out on its own points, though - like the fact that it takes place in the future as opposed to the present or past - which means that there's characters jumping around on flying cars and through neon lights.

The main focus of the story is that of Nova, an agressive young man who feels the need to fight (don't we all?) and is trying to get his hands on a "Power Glove" - not of the Nintendo variety - which increases the user's fighting ability considerably. Nova also has a father who disappeared during the development of the Power Glove, who left Nova records of a fighting style called, of all things, the "Avenging Fists."

After several events, Nova manages to obtain a power glove and proceeds to unleash serious adolescent justice upon faceless baddies. Of course, Nova can't do it all by himself - so a bartender/street fighter by the name of "Iron Surfer" comes into play.

Personally, I think the movie should've been about Iron Surfer (Stephen Fung). Not only does he look a lot more cool and intense than Nova, but he also doesn't have all of the family melodrama that's included in Nova's story. Iron Surfer's just a guy who wants to love a cute girl and beat the life out of anyone/thing that gets in his way... even a surprisingly well animated CG monster. Unfortunately, Iron Surfer just gets turned into a crutch for Nova to take on the main villain with.

Yuen Biao has a decent sized role in this movie, but I was wanting to see more of him. Perhaps there should be a prequel with him and Ekin Cheng (who has a cameo as a younger Sammo Hung) that better explains the origins of the prevalent power gloves/avenging fists... It's unlikely, though.

Regardless, this movie very well accomplishes the SFX action spectacular it set out to be. You could go without seeing it and sleep comfortably at night, but if you're a sucker for these kinds of movies, give it a thorough viewing. "The Avenging Fist" is just fine.

Black Mask 2: City of Masks (2002)

Black Mask Is Back... Or Is He?

[25 December 2002]

The original "Black Mask" was a gritty HK action film starring Jet Li. For the sake of Part 2, "City Of Masks", the exclusion of Li can be forgiven. Nothing ELSE can be, though.

First of all, the main plot consists of Black Mask (even though he GAVE UP crimefighting at the end of the first film) taking on a bunch of Pro-Wrestlers - yes, Pro Wrestlers - who have been infused with the DNA of animals... like a squid. No, I'm not kidding about the squid!

You would expect really fast-paced Martial Arts along the lines of those found in the first, but what you find instead are a bunch of oddly designed fight scenes involving animalistic people. In other words, people with semi-human bodies and prosthetic animal heads.

Tsui Hark and Yuen Wo-Ping were helming this project, which is really a major letdown considering that Hark is responsible for great movies like "Time and Tide" and "The Legend Of Zu". Wo-Ping is probably best known for his fight coreography on "The Matrix." The main problem here is that you have two great HK directors trying to do what they can with a poorly slapped-together American Movie idea. Simple as that.

Don't watch Black Mask 2. Please. If you did, I would hurt you - but odds are the movie beat me to it.

Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom (1999)

Painful To Watch, But I Couldn't STOP Watching It!

[25 December 2002]

I actually got this movie on DVD as a Christmas present, and although I have to say that it has some of the worst acting, directing, and writing of all time, it was really enjoyable - in a jumbled, visceral sort of way.

One of the monologues given by the protagonists early on gives the overall tone of the movie:

"The world is full of puke and (bleep). And now a horde of tin-masked (bleep)s are puking in our faces, filled with (bleep)."

The first half of this picture is really miserable and pointless - just a bunch of gratuitous murders and dismemberments. Things only begin to get interesting when ninjas show up.

That's right, Ninjas.

From that point on you get to see some of the slowest Kung Fu ever seen, and the smallest rocket launcher explosions ever dedicated to film. Yeah, I'm really downplaying this - but if you're into B-movies...

This is the cream of the crop.

Time and Tide (2000)

"Time And Tide" Caught My Attention, And Never Let Go.

[18 December 2002]

The first time I saw this was on Cable TV at 2 AM. I stayed up because I had never heard of the movie before, and the summary said that Nic Tse (one of my favorite young HK actors) was the lead role. Plus, it's directed by Tsui Hark - who has done excellent work with The Legend Of Zu and other such movies. So, I felt inclined to watch. I had almost fallen asleep, but as soon as the opening credits kicked in, I was wide awake.

The following are some statements that ran through my head while watching...

"Hey, the main character isn't invincible!" "Alleyway full of grenades?! This won't be pretty." "Wow, shopping mall action! Escalators are more fun than I thought!" "Oh my GOD... Are they having a gunfight on the side of a building?" "Refrigerators: Sensible AND Safe!" "I need to go to a Cantonpop show!"

There were plenty more, you can trust me on that. Needless to say, I went out the next day and bought the DVD. I have watched Time and Tide over 10 times now, and it still hasn't gotten dull. I guess this movie just ended up being that entertaining. It gets my highest recommendation - so go out and see it. Go on, do yourself a favor and see what HK cinema is really capable of!

"Time And Tide" Caught My Attention, And Never Let Go. It Still HAS My Attention, I Think.

Gen-Y Cops (2000)

"Gen-Why?" Cops. Yeah, that was witty.

[18 December 2002]

The "why" is obvious - the first one was a hit, and understandably so. Good action, decent story, strong cast. Everything a good HK movie needs.

Then along comes "Gen-Y Cops" (or one of its other names - Metal Mayhem or such). Here you have some of the cast (no Nic Tse?) from the first movie trying to stop a Transformers reject from shooting people. Why were there robots to begin with in this movie? For the most part, robots in movies haven't even been cool since 1988. On top of that, you have Match and Alien from Gen-X cops walking around talking street jive. "What's-up-my-man?" Plus, there's Edison - or as I call him "The Asian Marky Mark", because really, after watching him, you feel like he should have said "Feel the vibration!" He has the look... the Funky Bunch look.

Paul Rudd, well, I dunno. He's just there, being an Angry American Government Agency Guy (A.A.G.A.G.) who becomes a friend over the course of.3 seconds. There's a story of Edison's old friend being the one who made/sabotaged the robot and made it kill, but does it matter? Does it really matter?

Nope.

So really, all we're left with here, is Stephen Fung, Sam Lee, and the Asian Marky Mark having to fight Megatron while Paul Rudd struggles to keep up. Oh, that and they speak English for a good portion of the movie - which they do considerably well, if you overlook how obnoxious it is. By that, I mean you hear "WHOOOOOOAAAA, MAAAAAN!" every 15 to 45 seconds, usually Alien (Sam Lee)'s fault.

In my opinion, the only redeeming quality this movie had was the music it played on the DVD menu. Other than that, there's really not much to it. Stick with Gen-X Cops. That's all you need.

Gen-X Cops (1999)

They Aren't Cops, Really... Or Gen-X, When You Think About It...

[18 December 2002]

...But who cares? The movie still rules! By the time I saw this, I was familiar with a lot of the cast due to movies like "A Man Called Hero" and "The Avenging Fist." Regardless, here you can really see what the up-and-coming generation of HK Cinema has to offer. The stylish directing, editing, and rockin' "Tekken-esque" soundtrack all contribute just fine.

The main story is kind of along the lines of the Mod Squad... Get some underachieving, hip young people and recruit them on behalf of law enforcement. Then, have them use said hip-ness to infiltrate a crime family and bring them down from the inside. Typical, run of the mill stuff, but the delivery of it all keeps the viewing from getting dull. Gen-X Cops has what every good action movie needs - including the now standard "Nightclub Brawl" scene, which is prevalent in action movies.

You will be entertained by this movie, without a doubt. In fact, I have to say that this movie has broken some boundries - including the saddest, most depressing parachute descent you'll ever see committed to film. Those of you who've seen it know what I'm talking about.

Stop reading this, now. Go out and rent it or something. Hey, why not BUY it? Go on, I'll wait.