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1 star = Causes physical pain. Is this even a movie?
2 stars = Utterly incompetent, mind-numbing drivel. Barely watchable.
3 stars = Dull as dirt, watchable.
4 stars = Mildly entertaining, mostly boring.
5 stars = Mediocre at best, harmless, forgettable. May have some redeeming values.
6 stars = Flawed but enjoyable, average.
7 stars = Stands out from the crowd, entertaining and memorable.
8 stars = Better than 7 stars.
9 stars = So close to perfection I can almost taste it!
10 stars = Entirely outstanding!!
Note that all bad films get bumped at least one star depending on how unintentionally hilarious they are.
Lists
An error has ocurred. Please try againI'm also only including movies I've seen. There is always a worse movie.
0 - 2 = Horrible to bad 2.5 - 3.5 = Mediocre to good 4 - 5 = Great to excellent
Currently a work in progress....
Reviews
The Freedom of Silence (2011)
As a Bad Moviephile
This is exactly the kind of bad film I want to see. The production team clearly had a shoe string budget, as most scenes appear to be shot in the same house or "on location" in public spaces, such as the park. The actors, though inept, try their hardest (and always fail). I must caution that there are many long, boring stretches. There were also times I laughed out loud. Best to watch with friends.
As a religious film, it's about what you would expect. But I have to give the writers some credit; they did TRY to slip in a human element to go alongside the preaching, so it's not completely insufferable. I don't think this is a hateful film. Just very, very ignorant. Going in I thought I would hate it, but found myself charmed by its backyard production values and innocent stupidity.
The people who worked on this film have a ton of heart and it's clear they did the best they could, even when their best wasn't good enough. At least it doesn't star Kirk Cameron.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
This is a terrible movie
I don't want to talk about the Bible. I don't want to talk about religion. I don't want to talk about Jesus Christ.
I want to talk about a movie. This movie.
I don't know why I added the spoiler tag. If you live in America, you already know the story. However, imagine for a moment that you had never heard of Jesus Christ. Would you care about this movie then? Would it even make any sense to you? Think about that seriously for a moment. If you didn't know the story already, would you still understand this movie?
This movie doesn't have a plot and it barely has any characters. Jesus spends 90% of the movie writhing around like a zombie, spewing blood everywhere and gargling at the camera. During the few moments when he's actually speaking his performance is completely flat. His only good scene was in the opening. Mary spends the whole movie looking sad, which is understandable, but James just stands around stoically and barely sheds a tear, like he doesn't even care that his brother is getting crucified. The Jews act more like rabid dogs than human beings; their portrayal is simply disgusting. Even the Romans barely show a trace of humanity.
THIS IS A SNUFF FILM.
I honestly laughed every time Satan appeared on screen, because it seemed so out of place and his make-up was so over the top. He looked like Voldemort from Harry Potter. The only way he could have looked more ridiculous is if they dressed him up in horns and red body paint.
It's painfully obvious what the focus of this movie really is: the graphic torture and death of Jesus Christ. That's why the plot and characters are missing. They take up too much space. I couldn't believe that this film spent a full 30 minutes on the crucifixion alone. Even Jesus's teachings, what should arguably have been the focus of this film, got very little screen time compared to his torture. I knew what I was in for when I started this movie. I just didn't expect it to suck this much.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (2010)
Visually stunning
The Guardians is the type of movie where low expectations will be your friend. If you go into the theater expecting The Secret of NIMH you will be sorely disappointed with the story. Although Guardians does contain some mature themes, such as racism and war, these themes are explored more in the setting than in the characters.
The main characters are mostly vehicles for the story. Strangely, it's the supporting characters - the villains and the Guardians themselves - who provide the most interesting, and sometimes the most compelling characters.
There are no big surprises in this story. Any adult can figure out the entire plot within the first ten minutes. On the positive side, the plot takes off quickly and rarely slows down. If your kids can handle a little violence they should love this movie. I'm happy to report that the villains are appropriately threatening. Metalbeak and his mate Nya are on the same level as classic Disney villains like Scar and Ursala, so if your kids can handle these films they ought to handle Guardians just fine.
Overall Guardians is worth seeing in theaters and, if you can afford it, in 3D. I didn't say much about the visuals because there really isn't much to say about them. This movie is stunning at least and majestic at best, even if the plot is a little dull.
Toy Story 3 (2010)
As good as or better than the first 2
There's a law in moiveology, much like Isaac Newton's laws of motion. Well call this the law of sequels. It is stated: As a franchise accumulates sequels the value of each successive film approaches crap. However, as in all fields of science, when a movie arises that contradicts our laws and theories, no matter how well founded they may appear to be, we must revise our old ways of thinking in exchange for the new. This is one of those times.
Go see Toy Story 3.
Toy Story 3 contains some of the most powerful and emotionally resonate scenes of the Toy Story franchise, yet is also so funny that you may need to bring an extra pair of pants (and not just for the little ones). It has its flaws, although they detract little from the film. This rare sequel ties in so organically with the first two films that you'd be amazed to realize that the Toy Story franchise was never intended to be a trilogy.
Theodore Rex (1995)
Not the worst movie ever made
Theodore Rex (T. Rex, getit?) is the story of a dinosaur detective who teams up with a hard-ass cyborg cop (inexplicably played by Whoopi Goldberg) to catch a killer in what the movie hints is the world's fist ever 'dinocide.' This film is not to be confused with Theodore Rex, the 2001 biography of Theodore Roosevelt by Edmund Morris. The film was clearly meant to be a buddy cop comedy, but sadly the only joke here is the movie itself.
Q: What costs $33.5 million dollars and goes direct-to-video? A: Theodore Rex.
But all joking aside, this is not the worst film ever made. The special effects, at least those done in the computer, are below average for 1996, but the animatronics are passable at least. The plot drags its feet under a mountain of mildly entertaining filler. The worst scenes take place in a dinosaur dance club. Perhaps the only truly revolting scene in the film involves a ceratopsidae (a three horned type dinosaur) flirting with our cyborg cop, leaving us to contemplate an inter-species relationship between a dinosaur and Whoopi Goldberg. The horror! The rest of the film is a bland but generally unoffensive brand of unfunny humor consisting of two parts slapstick and one part flatulence, but T. Rex is too dull to hold the attention of little tots long enough to bring them to its peak of comedy genius.
Do not rent this movie. T. Rex is mildly entertaining, but not worth spending any money on.
The Golden Compass (2007)
This movie will give you whiplash
The Golden Compass tries to cram too much into under two hours. The film jumps manically from scene to scene, making it difficult to keep up with the story unless you've already read the book.
Children may be too captivated by the visual effects to care - and since the visual effects are the main attraction in any epic fantasy following in the footsteps of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, I'd say the Golden Compass does it's job quite well. If you were hoping for the depth of the novels, I'm sorry, this bullet train doesn't make stops for character development or social commentary.
In summation: read the book.
Terra (2007)
Has the makings of a great film
Battle for Terra has the elements of a great sci-fi flick but suffers from flawed delivery. Although slow and predictable, it comes through on an emotional level in the end.
Battle for Terra is similar to Avatar, but in Battle for Terra the stakes for the humans are no less than survival or extinction. After generations traveling through deep space the human ship is falling apart and oxygen is running out. Earth has long since been destroyed (by war, what else?) and now only chance of survival for the human race is to alter the atmosphere of Terra, which is composed primarily of helium, allowing humans to live there.
Aside from the poor pacing and aged CG, which resembles A Bug's Life, the movie would have benefited from more subtlety. By the end of the film the humans only have a few weeks of oxygen left, setting the fate of the human race against the destruction of every living thing on planet Terra, most of all the benevolent and intelligent terrians. Sounds exciting, right? Unfortunately, the human general is almost as over the top as Colonel Quaritch from James Cameron's Avatar, making the climatic battle's outcome near obvious from the beginning.
Most kids will probably be too bored to make it through this movie. The world of Terra is surprisingly dull; the alien dwellings are a bleak, bone-like color surrounded by white clouds, inhabited by pale terrians and other various pale creatures. Have you ever been depressed on a cloudy day? That's how you'll feel after visiting Terra. Still, there's enough here to keep you interested if you're willing to look.
You have to use your imagination to truly enjoy Terra and because of that some people won't be able to stand this film, some will find it fascinating, and others (like me) will see it as the great film that could have been.