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Reviews
Dead in the Water (2002)
I wasn't born with enough downvotes, and IMDb I really wish to shout about this.
1 out of ten is not low enough for how terrible this movie is. To quote Marilyn Manson, "I wasn't born with enough middle fingers" comes to mind. This movie is absolutely, completely, and pathetically terrible.
The only thing that could have made it worse would have been that Maggie Grace had been cast as the annoying female. There is nothing good about this movie, whatsoever.
Any vote higher than 1/10 I guarantee came from someone that was involved in making this movie, at least a free trip to the location was worth maybe at most 2/10 stars.
TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, and VAPID. If someone I knew said they wanted to fund this movie I would ask them to just give me their money to burn without even enjoying the heat from it in a life threatening situation in the arctic.
At no point did I care about anything that was happening, any of the characters or plot. The only moment of enjoyment was when it was over.
I hated this movie so much I cared enough to write a warning to anyone looking for a movie to watch tonight. Don't make it this one.
Moon (2009)
An incredible statement of our potential future
I don't think I've ever given a 10 rating to ANY movie on IMDb, and I'm a zero or 10 rating kinda guy. I've watched Moon about 3-5 times now, and I'm still blown away by Sam Rockwell's performance.
I am still not convinced that this is a sci-fi movie, and more-so I'm convinced it's someone's statement as to a drama on what it would be like to deal with the worst existential crisis imaginable. As I watch this movie, I've often moved back to several points in the time line to observe what's happening and reanalyze what is happening. I do not remember this occurring with any movie I've seen in the last 5 or more years.
What happens in this movie is not so much sci-fi as much as it is self-analytical and worthy of comparison to the psychological comparison to the first version of Solaris by the Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky. Where sci-fi leaves off, the mind picks up and I'm sure that this movie provides a much more complete picture of the unimaginable of the depths and heights of humanity than this movie has previously presented.
I'm not saying this movie is perfect, but I'm saying it's very, very, very near perfect.
August Underground (2001)
What a complete waste of 10 minutes.
The only rating I could possibly give this is a ZERO, but IMDb doesn't let you. There is absolutely no merit to this "movie". I think more correctly it would be called, "a lame-ass attempt at pseudo-snuff", which seems absolutely, completely, utterly pointless.
I am very glad I did not spend any money on turning this movie off nearly as soon as it started.
Absolutely no merit on any level. People that make and enjoy this kind of thing would have been locked up in mental hospitals in the past, and this is something that should continue to be practiced.
It seems I have to have at least 10 lines of text to this review in order to submit this. Here's another: waste of time. And another: absolutely pointless. Another: not horror, not schlock horror. Just a huge waste of time by all people involved, producers, actors, directors, and viewers.
Mirrors (2008)
I wish rucks could be an anagram of sucks.
I don't know if it what the cliché storyline, or the cliché dialogue, or the cliché cinematography that clued me in to how much this movie was going to suck; But it SURELY did.
About halfway into this movie I realize the only redeeming value, Amy Smart got naked, and it truly was the only good part, (up until a spoiler which I won't mention) which was in the trailer.
Hollywood has basically lost all concept of that movie making is. This movie is totally terrible.
Only redeeming value: A half naked Amy Smart.
This movie is absolutely terrible. They do say F&ck and Go*damit a lot though, so if that trips your trigger in movies, good luck, at least Amy Smart is half naked.
Jesus god she's hot.
Miami Vice (2006)
Oddly impressed with this movie
Considering what Hollywood has done with remakes in the last decade or so, I really had extremely low expectations of Miami Vice. I have watched this movie twice or three times since it came out, and I seriously really wonder why it received such low reviews. I generally don't think much of action movies, but I really imagine that Miami Vice provided a great insight into the world that is portrayed, at least from my perspective of an average white boy in America.
It's character development is not entirely deep, but it's not at all shallow. Both Farrell and Fox delivered what I believe to be sincere performances of a deeper script than I would have ever imagined a remake of a TV show to possess.
The storyline overall delivered what feels like an accurate depiction of what that world perhaps encompasses, and the tone of the movie matches what has to be a better depiction of the reality of the scenario than I've seen with a lot of B-class movies of the same genre.
I could have done with a few less references to music genres of the time, but bringing 80's music into the picture would not have helped whatsoever.
Overall, I think that if you are into movies with relatively sketchy characters operating in the underworld that is unimaginable to your current life, this movie will be greatly enjoyable. To imagine that a life outside oneself exists, and one that involves tons of poon, drugs, and organized crime; then you're in for a great ride. I recommend as a great passer of 2 hours.
Obsessed (2009)
Proof that big names and recognizable faces don't matter
The only surprising thing about this movie is that I didn't turn it off sooner. I think the inevitable ending with a chick fight (won't say who), not a spoiler, was the best part of this movie.
I really hope that women are not in real life as gullible as the character played by Beyonce, whom up to this movie I was actually starting to like as an actress. This movie epitomized cliché relationships between men and women, as well as men and female stalkers.
I think they had a good idea when they started filming, but it was lost as soon as they tried to actually start filming. It's basically the reverse version of that movie with Marky Mark, and Alicia Silverstone. And it reproduced the main plot of that movie perfectly, in that it sucked.
I also kept trying to place the main actor of the movie, was he Stringer Bell from The Wire, or not? Jerry O'Connell, yet another dismal review for you as well.
Hollywood just continues to insult our intelligence with incredibly crappy and predictable plots. It's like they get government money for the losses they take on making movies like this. Seriously, how does this get into production.
Absolutely Terrible.
Pandorum (2009)
I just don't understand why GOOD sci-fi can't be made these days.
A rating of 3 is only suitable because I kind of liked some of the idea of the movie, but why can't we have some sci-fi that doesn't completely come off as predictable alien horror? Seriously, I think that there's a lot more creative ideas out there that justify production than this film.
Either it's the illogical outcomes or the means to get there that disappoint, but in the end it's all the same plots rehashed over and over again. We get it, we go out into space and maybe meet some hostile aliens, or something bizarre happens. But how about something unpredictable for once, like something perhaps that is on par with movies from the 70's and dare I say 80's as well.
I think Hollywood has officially run out of ideas if this movie made it to production, and let alone had what are seemingly recognizable actors. The fact that movies like this are still being made and receive 7/10 ratings on IMDb is saddening and disappointing.
I for one would love to just see a new plot for once. I have had better dream/nightmares with more coherent and original plots than Hollywood seems capable of producing with multimillion dollar budgets.
Seriously, how is such inane screenplay writing possible on that kind of budget? I mean, c'mon. Some of the best movies ever made were done on tiny budgets.