kaipi-1 Reviews

He's Just Not That Into You (2009)

Absolutely terrible

[1/10 · 1 June 2009]

This movie was a complete waste of anyone's time or money. This movie had a plot that was not even to the level of being terrible for a soap opera on the public access station made by high school students on a camcorder without a tripod or an editing program. This entire movie goes nowhere and takes two hours to get there. It is slow slow and boring that you can actually hear the guy behind the camera scratching himself. The entire thing is people talking, there is no action, and I'm not speaking about car chases/gun fights, I'm saying that the entire movie is people sitting and talking. About what are they talking? Why relationships, of coarse, and that's it, they just sit around and talking about relationships. I could watch Oprah for that! It'd probably be more interesting than this garbage too. If there were a rating of zero on IMDb this wouldn't even be deserving of that.

Do the Right Thing (1989)

Just bad

[1/10 · 23 February 2009]

Here's another one that I would never have watched if it weren't for a class, and all I can say is, I shouldn't have taken that class. Just wow, that's pretty much the best way to describe this little pile of barf. This movie has plot holes big enough to swallow a sun, it's like the writers set out to make the most inconsistent racial statement as possible. Throughout the entire thing there are only two consistent characters. One the old drunk guy and the other, the wimpy white guy. The rest of the characters don't fit from one scene, or in some cases, one second to another. The events are confusing, characters aren't introduced, they're just kind of there, and their attitudes don't match up which makes this movie a complete pile of garbage which tries and fails miserably to make a point about race.

An Inconvenient Truth (2006)

The Real Inconvenient Truth

[1/10 · 25 January 2009]

I don't get what everybody sees in this movie. It just seemed like a self absorbed pile of political crap. There was too much about Al Gore and his family and his life and too little actual evidence. He just goes on and on about his kid getting hit by a car and, I don't really care; that's not why I watched this film; I watched this film because, well I had to for a class, but that's beside the point. Then he goes on and on about the election and complained about losing and how the Republicans cause global warming. The real inconvenient truth is that people think this is anything more than an irritating attempt to gain political favor and is not informative in any way it's just annoying.

Excalibur (1981)

Monty Python without the Coconuts

[1/10 · 28 December 2008]

Well When I first started watching this "Movie" I thought I was watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I mean, everything looked exactly the same and the effects were, actually, a little worse, which is just, wow. That really describes everything there is to say.When you can make a movie that looks worse than a comedy, that was intentionally made to look terrible, years earlier, you've just got to be bad, and this was bad. When you can watch the last two seasons of Stargate SG1 and get a better story of King Arthur, than a movie "based on" the myths, you've got some movie making issues. All in all, Excalliber is a movie better left to hold up the short leg of the sofa.

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

Poo

[1/10 · 28 December 2008]

It's a bird! it's a plane! It's a flying turd! So, this is the most irritating piece of grub infested rotted flesh that I've ever seen. It was just terrible. There were no redeeming qualities other than the fact that it was hilarious every once and a while, but it gets to the point where you just don't think you can finish it. So where do I begin? There's some annoying music and we see various shots of trash. Then we are introduced to the horrible monster tadpole thing, Hedorah, which was named s hastily as the graboids in Tremors. So then Godzilla comes in and drunk music plays, for some reason. Then Hedorah can transform and shoot laser beams and he looks like a big old dookie. Then Godzilla can fly, for some reason. Then some more crazy stuff happens and there is some singing and an annoying kid and the dookie monster dies, somehow.

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)

We want zeros

[1/10 · 27 August 2008]

This movie really shows how much we want zeros. This was worse than the first, and that sad. I honestly don't know how I made it through this one. Maybe because I watched it broken up into ten minute segments and couldn't fully grasp just how insanity causingly bad this one was. Really, I might have done something stupid like, uh oh, never mind what I might have done, and really never mind what I actually did. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this one. Even broken up into segments this move pushed me over the edge. I'd tell you not to waste your time but I don't think you can truly comprehend just how god awful it is without seeing it and you may want to consider unplugging your phone in case you lose it and dial someone you shouldn't have. I said that the other one was worse than drinking old vomit; well this one is worse than eating chunky barf with a side of curdled milk and twenty year old meat while being forced to watch the same episode of Teletuddies over and over again for a hundred years. Okay, maybe not that bad, but if you take out the Teletubbies it might approach that level.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Wow

[1/10 · 27 August 2008]

Really people, has movie making really fallen this far that this pile of vomit is not on the bottom 100 list? Yes, I know, there's a lot of terrible movies out there and unfortunately there's always someone who will think it's brilliant but I'm not one of those people. This movie was so horrible that it was... um, horrible. That' all there there really is t say about it. It was a completely pointless idiotic waste of time with no redeeming qualities, if there was a zero rating, this would definitely be down there, but they don't let us have any fun. I don't even remember what it was about, and while, yes, I did have a pretty bad seizure from the camera shots which can't be helping my memory much, I doubt I'd remember much anyway. It just looked like a bunch of hippies, once again, botching an already botched attempt at movies. This movie was worse than drinking an entire compressed can of ten year old vomit that has been fermenting in the sun.

Donnie Darko (2001)

I tried, I really did

[1/10 · 15 August 2008]

I don't get it, I watched this one night and I just didn't get it. It made no sense whatsoever. A Bunch of people wanted me to see this one so I figured eh, what's the worst that could happen? I'll waste a couple of hours, at most. Well I was wrong, not only was it so confusing that.... that, I don't even know what, it was just really confusing, and the fact that I kept trying to figure out what was what made this long movie so long. Now it's been almost two years since I saw it, I tried watching it again, and I still don't get it, not that I'm losing any sleep over it, only 392 hours. So I really see no point in wasting any more time with it.

That's all.

Vacancy (2007)

Another attempt another 1

[1/10 · 14 August 2008]

This was a very very bad movie not even worth the time I could have spent watching some other horrible movie. It sounded like it was written by a second grader, in fact let's try that.

Once there was a man and his wife an they got their car broken down. Then they said look there's a hotel. And then they went in the hotel and got a room and then they saw some bad things on the TV and then they ran and got seen and then there were more bad guys and then they found a tunnel under the hotel and then there were rats and they were scared and then the police came but they was killed by the bad guys and then the guy got out of the tunnel and they fought the bad guys but they couldn't use the car because they were broke too, and the phones didn't work and then they killed the bad guys and they all lived happpily ever after in there new hotel. The End.

Yep, i'd say that works about right, and i'd be willing to bet that that's how long the script was.

Jackass Number Two (2006)

More hippies wasting more money

[1/10 · 14 August 2008]

That really sums it up quite well, this movie shows just how low some people will go to make a buck and that's all it shows. I don't find this waste of life entertaining in any way. It's just crap. Really, I've seen better things come from Elmo and that's about as bad as it gets. It was so bad that it wasn't even worth trying to understand. There are plenty of people who try harder and get less money than these people and all they do is stick their tongue in a mouse trap. It's sad really, not only that someone thought this was good enough for not one, but two movies, but also that people like and idolize these hippies, and that's never a good thing. In other words, this movie is terrible with no redeeming qualities.

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

I want to test your blood

[1/10 · 12 August 2008]

What just happened, why would these people ruin a perfectly good book by trying to make it appealing to the stupid drug addicted skate boarder type? Seriously this movie was crap, runny nasty smelly crap that cost a lot of money. We could solve world hunger with the amount of money being thrown at these movie makers who think they have any amount of talent. But it doesn't have to be that way, just get people who aren't high to make movies and we can go on happily ignoring the starving people. I don't really care what it's used for, just so that these uncreative hippies aren't getting a penny. They could have just as easily made Dracula good or, better yet, just came up with a new idea, but that would be hard and it's much easier to take a good book and make it into a bad movie. How bad was it? Keanu Reeves bad. Come on, he actually looks high. In fact, I think the people in charge of this piece of garbage were his dealers. Really, if I wanted to see people reading their lines without emotion I'd watch a small business commercial on the public access network, he's that bad. In fact, the only good actor was Gary Oldman, and it looks like he doesn't even care, though I can't say I'd blame him, I think the primary writing instrument for the script was a bong! It looks like they were reading off of cue cards the whole time. In fact, if you watch very carefully, Reeves actually squints whenever he has a line. On the plus side, I didn't get hurt because of this movie it was just awful.

Pineapple Express (2008)

I fell asleep and got hurt again

[1/10 · 11 August 2008]

This movie was a pile of cow crap. Although that may be a bit unfair because cow crap can still serve a purpose as fertilizer. This was just a complete waste of a movie budget which I'll assume was spent entirely on drugs. Because that's the only way this movie could have possibly been produced. This movie was so bad that, while I was working, at the drive-in movie theater, I actually fell asleep, while walking across the field, and whacked my head on a slab of concrete that used to be some kind of heater thing. I don't actually know what it is, but it's filled with wasps and when I hit it they stung me several times. This movie was terrible, it wasn't funny, it wasn't cool, it was like watching other people smoke pot and that's never all that funny. If I wanted to see that I could have gone to work and then yelled at them. Oh, wait, I was at work, and I did yell at them, all twenty five of them. And what do you know, the ones on pot were also the only ones laughing, the rest of the people who made it through the terrible plot were also asleep; and guess who had to wake them? That's right, my pet robot R2-D2. Wait, I don't have a robot, but I may have a concussion and I need a quick trip to the hopsspitol, hospital sorry.

Mamma Mia! (2008)

What's going on?

[1/10 · 4 August 2008]

This movies title was misleading, I thought it was going to be a documentary on the Super Mario Brothers but no. There was no Mario nor was there Luigi, Princess, or those little mushroom things you jump on. In fact, I don't even know what this was about. I remember walking in paying for my ticket getting a vat of popcorn expecting to see a Mario documentary, I took my seat. About ten minutes later the movie started and five or ten minutes after that(Yeah I'm surprised I lasted that long too) I blacked out. Well I was in a big void with some swirling colors and dancing bananas for a while and when I came to I was in an ambulance. Apparently I had a seizure and hurt myself when some college student who apparently liked the movie tried to hold me still while I was flopping around. Who taught her first aid! Anyway the doctor examined me and determined that I was not epileptic and that the seizure was caused by terror; then he suggested that I avoid any movie based on a Broadway musical. And that how my day at the movies went.

Cinderella II: Dreams Come True (2002 Video)

Huh?

[1/10 · 4 May 2008]

I've got a question for those who thought of this idea. Why? What made them think to make a second movie of this. If memory serves, didn't Cinderella end with "They all lived happily ever after"? I'm pretty sure it did, or it was implied. Wait a minute, if they all lived happily ever after, how could there be a sequel? Unless they were trying to make the most boring story in history, there couldn't be a sequel. I mean sure, they could have Cinderella singing about nonsense for two hours, but why? A movie that ends in "happily ever after" can not have a sequel; if it does then they don't live happily ever after! Something's got to go wrong which causes problems with the first ending! Why? That's not right, it's evil. That's my final word on the matter.

Pokémon (1997–2023)

1998 A Year That Will Live in Infamy

[1/10 · 13 March 2008]

1998, A year that will live in infamy- the United States was slowly and deliberately invaded by the 'animating' forces of Japan. Yep they're at it again, only this time they're striking at children and taking over television, and this is where it all started. Japanimation never really took hold until this manure pile aired in 1998, after that, it only got worse, they started selling pokimen toys, cards, T-shirts, sheets, video games, shampoo, dog treats, pencils, the list just keeps on goings and I could easily use up my 10,000 words on it but I won't. The show itself was terrible that's all I can really say after watching it only a few times I had a massive seizure and lost my memory of the incident. I don't know if it was the show itself that gave me the seizure, the fact that everyone else thought it was cool, or if it was that I was so irritated by the voices that I suddenly keeled over but don't watch it and discourage others from watching it because if you don't, you could end up flopping around on the floor like me.

March of the Penguins (2005)

I hate penguins

[1/10 · 12 March 2008]

I hate penguins. That's pretty much the extent of it. This 'movie' is the root of my suffering. Ever since this came out I've been having nightmares about penguin movies. And it wasn't even good. What's worse, they're making a sequel movie. This 'movie' created the penguin problem that we are seeing now. This being the reason for my favorite Futerama episode being the one where they massacre all of the penguins but that's not the point. Penguins are not cute, as they are shown in this 'movie' they are disgusting, nasty, loud, annoying, creatures; just like any other bird. If you really want to learn about penguins do not see this; go watch the discovery channel, do some internet research. Better yet, go pick up one of these devices they invented called books, maybe you've heard of them, I don't know, the Ipod is kind of taking them away, but that's an argument for another time.

Stardust (2007)

it's not worth a dog turd

[1/10 · 12 March 2008]

Here's what happened when they made this movie. They took the writers for HArry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Pirates of the Caribbean and threw them in a room with Peter Pan playing in the background. This pile of crap is what they came up with. Between a gay pirate's flying ship whose balloon is insufficiently sized to keep it aloft and some kind of magic dust that throws you across the world; and if that's not enough to keep you away then nude octogenarian witches will be. Even though they don't show the whole thing, they don't need to! It's disgusting and I suggest that if you pull this one off the bottom of a lake with your fishing pole, you throw it back.

Surf's Up (2007)

I popped a blood vessel

[1/10 · 12 March 2008]

I swear, if I see one more stupid penguin movie I'm going to go John Rambo on someone. Why does everything have penguins now? They suck! I hate them so much! Don't let anyone else fool you, it's just another penguin movie, only this time they mixed it with the Blair Witch project and surfing. The camera jumps, which is rather stupid considering that it's computer animation and there was no camera involved. It gave me a headache worthy of a hospital visit and it made me severely ill. That's not to mention the fact that there was not one of the penguins that did not make me want to shoot someone and that the only jokes throughout the entire thing were about fecal matter. Just don't bother with it, you'll end up very angry and finding yourself with nothing better to do than to trash it every chance you get.

Bee Movie (2007)

Airplanes do not fly like that!

[1/10 · 7 March 2008]

This was one of the worst CGI films that I have seen in a long time. Basically this bee goes outside and gets caught and then there's this really boring part in the middle and some stuff happens in court. Then all of the flowers die because the bees don't work anymore. This in itself made me angry that this movie was released but what happened next only made me angrier. The stupid bee and his human friend stole a float for and got on a plane for some reason. This, like I said made me angry but this next part took the freakin cake; the plane gets struck by lightning and everything fries. After than millions of bees come and land the plane. Airplanes don't work like that! Everyone should have died!

Cube²: Hypercube (2002)

Whaaaaaaaaat?

[1/10 · 7 March 2008]

I watched about ten minutes of this movie before I decided that it was crap and went to get some pizza. Of what I did see there were a bunch of floating boxes and a guy with about ten thousand wristwatches. I also saw the idiotic ending in which everything went on an acid trip then some crazy Alice in Wonderland crap happened and the stupid main character, who apparently worked for the people who made the cube thing, fell and flew around for about five minutes. Then they shot her in the face. That's pretty much it, as far as I'm concerned this movie was a waste of time and money. There, I just saved you a long, long, long, boring hour or so after which you would have wanted kill someone.

Survivor (2000– )

The most idiotic show on TV

[1/10 · 7 March 2008]

How has this piece of crap stayed on TV this long? It's terrible. It makes me want to shoot someone. It's so fake that it is actually worse than a 1940s sci-fi movie. I'd rather have a stroke than watch this nonsense. I remember watching it when it first came out. I thought, hey this could be interesting, then I found out how absolutely, insanely, ridiculously stupid it really was. It was so bad that I actually took out my pocket knife and stuck my hand to the table.

Please people, stop watching this and all other reality shows, they're the trash that is jamming the networks and canceling quality programming that requires some thought to create.

Godzilla 2000 (1999)

If I see one more Japanese movie someone's getting hurt

[1/10 · 5 March 2008]

The Japanese need to give up. They need to do everyone a favor and just stop making movies. They obviously can't do it right or they'd have it down by now. Why? Why would you make this kind of movie and who would watch it? The old Godzilla movies were at least funny in their cheapness but I couldn't even laugh at this one and that's pretty bad. I would rather watch the bible channel than this crap that's just terrifying. If you took a handful of nails and scratched them repeatedly up and down a chalkboard you could have more fun than if you watched this foreign trash. In other words, do not support the creators of this 'movie', if you could call it that, by spending money on it.

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

It made a good skeet

[1/10 · 5 March 2008]

We really need to be able to rate movies as zeroes. This wouldn't even deserve that. This would be closer to a negative forty five billion, six million, seven hundred and eighty five thousand, six hundred and twenty two; or worse. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I won't even explain the plot of this trash, it's that bad. It is so terrible that I took the disk out of the box, launched it from a catapult, and blew it out of the sky with a shotgun. Then I replaced the disk in the blockbuster box with a CD of a recording of my voice telling them that they should be ashamed of themselves for even putting this seagull crap on their shelves.

The Fog (1980)

Funny stuff

[2/10 · 5 March 2008]

I give it a two only because it made me laugh a bit. Especially when the priest got whacked by the demon people, but that's not the point. This movie was as good as rotten beef. It's about stupid looking lepers who sink in the 1800s and come back for revenge and gold, making the assumption that dead people care about shiny metal. It's carried out so badly that you can't possibly take it seriously, but, if you get drunk and sit down with a bag of pot you might be able to find some humor in it but other than that, don't waste your time, unless it's free. It only gets the two because it's humorous while it failed to do what it was supposed to.

Sahara (2005)

You should be ashamed of yourself

[1/10 · 5 March 2008]

I've been reading Clive Cussler's books since the fifth grade, Sahara was the first of his books that I read, it's my favorite and the book that really made the push into me starting my own book series, so naturally, when I heard that it was going to be made into a movie I couldn't wait to see it. We really need zeros to rate movies, because if we did I... well, I'd probably still complain that we needed negative numbers. I didn't get to see the movie in theaters but I picked it up the day it came out on DVD then I hid it under my bed, ashamed that I wasted my money. This is just... this is the kind of movie that will have any Clive Cussler fan having to erase several times because it's just too hard not to include a swear or two, or twelve-kindred and two. This movie is basically a lesson for all authors, keep your movie rights and sit on them so at least you won't have to see your work ruined in your lifetime.

So, let's look at how these people took probably the best Dirk Pitt novel, and turned it into the pile of um, cow defecation that it was the Ironclad has almost nothing to do with the original story, it was essentially a different story in the book. They took out the awesome mutant tribal people who ate a bunch of snotty rich British tourists. They made the red tide less significant. They made Rudi Gunn a wimp instead of an Ex-Navy commander. They took out the UN strike force. They did away with the gold mine at Tebezza, and the French fort. They made the aircraft that they found less significant. They took out the awesome battle on the river and replaced it with a flare gun. Last,they changed the way they killed General Kazim.

Worse still they replaced the book cover after the movie. They also didn't stick to the deal with Cussler; again back to the sitting on the movie rights.

Being an author myself I can say this. Clive Cussler should be allowed to torture those responsible for this trash until he is satisfied.