Change Your Image
bosnia-2
Reviews
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
I wish Zap snapped the directors neck...
Well, I've never seen a Huffy outrace a muscle car... but I guess when you are making a completely irrational film it is certain to happen somewhere along the line. I think you can count the lines of dialogue in the first thirty minutes on two hands. I guess the director's rationale was that it's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt. Then again I think assuming there was any rationale involved in the production this movie is giving the director too much credit.
This film has some of the most hilarious chase scenes I have ever seen. First you have Troy's epic escape from machete wielding villains via his mountain bike. I swear this scene would not end. Literally ten minutes are spent tracking Troy as he eludes a car full of goons on his Huffy. Eventually the heroes give up chasing this kid in a car and decide to foot it. Sadly enough, they come closer to catching him on foot than they did when they chased him with their car. Finally, when it seems as though these villains are about to catch Troy, he hops into the back of a truck. This is no ordinary truck, however. This is a truck owned by the dumb, drunken protagonist Zap Rowsdower... yes, Zap Rowsdower. This guy is a cross between John Candy and Joe Dirt. I think that I could use my ass cheeks as a face and be a more effective actor than this guy. Anyway, after Zap and Troy reach a gas station another hilarious chase scene ensues. Of course Zap and Troy have the last laugh. The funniest part about this scene is when the villains car treads off of a hill and takes a long winded drive towards a creek. The scene could have easily been ended by just blowing up the car, or by the villains simply hitting the brakes but NO. For dramatic effect the director had the villains speed across a 500 feet straightaway into a creek.
The chase scenes are all good and fun, but the supporting cast is what makes this movie so "fun" to watch. ESPECIALLY the character Mike Pipper. This character is a hybrid - one part Macho Man Randy Savage, one part Ted Kaczynski. I was just waiting for him to shout out "Ooooh Yea!!!" after every single line. And let us not forget the performance of "Satoris", the antagonist of the film. Satoris, as we learn, is hell- bent on taking over the world. He plans on achieving this by sacrificing our virginal protagonist, Troy. Unfortunately he doesn't succeed. After a bunch of useless scenes, horrible acting, and utterly retarded dialogue the "climax" is reached when Troy kills Satoris and in doing so saves the world from the necessity to continue this horrible film.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Light should never have been shed on this darkness
If you decide to watch this movie you can expect completely out of place one liners, a shallow plot (at best), and a complete lack of character development. I watched this movie hoping it would be funny, in a bad way. At times it was, but the rest of my viewing experience I just couldn't help but wonder what in the hell Bole was thinking when he made this movie. Eventually I just started to get a migraine trying to comprehend Bole's ... er ... "art". Watching this movie was like shoving a razer blade up my urethra.
I think this movie is some sort of sick practical joke intended to make the viewer feel stupid for even trying to make sense of it. Maybe for even watching it. It sure made me feel that way. After watching this movie I feel as though someone opened the top of my head, squatted down, took a huge dump into the area which my brain once occupied, and sealed my head back up again.