kaspen12 Reviews

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

The single greatest piece of pure popcorn entertainment I have ever laid eyes on.

[8/10 · 19 August 2006]

The single greatest piece of pure popcorn entertainment I have ever laid eyes on. Would I have loved it as much watching it alone on DVD? Probably not. The theatre experience is what made the movie so great: hooting and hollering as SLJ kills snakes left, right and center; hissing at the screen in anticipation of snakes to come... It was just a blast.

Some of the acting is so bad that it's great (the Asian guy playing the crime lord had the theatre in hysterics), but there are some pitch-perfect performances to be found here: Jackson (obviously) does his thing and will likely be remembered forever for this role; David Koechner has some great lines, just having fun with the smarmy pilot persona. Best of all is Todd Louiso as a "snake expert" on the ground, doing his best to guide Sam up in the air. Like the movie itself, he takes himself seriously to a point, but lets loose on lines like "Time is tissue!" and "There's only one man who could amass a collection of illegal snakes like this. He lives...in the desert."

The effects are mostly pretty obvious, but it doesn't effect the movie at all -- some of the attacks really are shocking and scary; many of the death scenes are unforgettable, either because they're incredibly hilarious, or nauseatingly horrific. When the movie earns its R-rating it's at its best: the inevitable sequel will likely be even better, as they'll be shooting for R all along.

Even if you think it will be stupid, I urge you to see this movie. I expected it to be either a wretched turd or an all-time classic, and was blown away. Flat-out, the movie delivers. It's miles better than it has any business being, and is one of the greatest thrill-rides of all time.

Blade II (2002)

A bloody good action flick, and the best in the series.

[7/10 · 20 May 2006]

Starring: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Ron Perlman

Last time we saw Blade, Wesley Snipes's half-breed vampire slayer, his hunting operation had been heavily compromised. His warehouse headquarters had been rushed, his mentor Whistler (Kristofferson) had shot himself to prevent imminent bitings -- no matter, he prevailed, he got his man. In these movies, they always do.

Flash-forward a few years later and Whistler is not dead. The vamps have turned him and kept him alive, so they can torture him for all eternity. Blade tracks him down, busts some heads, turns him back and we're back to square one. Of course, the film is not content with closing the curtain at the half-hour mark, so now the story can really begin: The warehouse complex finds itself blitzed again, this time by a pair of super-stealth special-ops vampires dressed in jet-black spy-gear -- one of them a skilled swordsman, the other our leading lady. Blade intercepts and they kung-fu fight. Turns out the battle, flashy and entertaining as it was, was all for naught -- the vampires, members of an elite vamp-squad called the Bloodpack, have come to make a peace offering on behalf of the Vampire Nation. You see, there's a new threat stalking them -- bigger and badder than Blade: Reapers, vicious vampire hybrids whose scarred faces mask their horrific weapons. The vamps don't just want a truce with Blade, however -- they want him to fight the Reapers with them. He faces a dilemma: do nothing and let the Reapers move on to humans once they're finished with vampires, or help the vampires, only to have them try to kill him when the job's finished. If you can't tell which way he finally leans, you've never seen an action movie.

I liked the first Blade film if slightly. It was a fun movie with some very cool moments, but didn't live up to the hype. The third, 'Trinity' is a mind-numbing disaster. Oh the difference a good director can make! Guillermo del Toro (Cronos, Hellboy) has the reigns here and clearly had a good time with the movie: it briskly bounces from one energetic action sequence to the next, with a fair number of frightful sights thrown in to liven things up. This is a good thing -- with a wafer-thin plot that takes enough turns to keep your attention, Del Toro knows exactly what kind of movie he's making: a pure action flick. And he delivers the goods. The movie is dripping with cool, and while it may not be a classic, it's a fun flick to throw on and let it suck you in.

FINAL SCORE: 8.3/10

If you've never seen a Blade movie before, no worries. There's not a lot to catch up on, and you can jump straight to the "good chapter" and not miss a beat. If the movie suffers anywhere at all (other than the plot department), it's that the battle sequences occasionally suffer Spider-man Syndrome, wherein the impossible is made possible by some glaringly obvious CGI. Other than that, if action movies are your thing, Blade II is a bloody good show.

Where the Truth Lies (2005)

Good film noir, which is hard to find.

[7/10 · 19 March 2006]

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Alison Lohman, Colin Firth

Firth and Bacon play Vince Collins and Lanny Morris, a famous comedic duo, who, in the 1950s, were best known for their work hosting Polio telethons. The schtick was simple: Collins (Firth), British and ever the gentleman, played straightman to Lanny (Bacon), the say-anything womanizer. When a girl they'd "met" winds up dead, the boys find themselves in hot water and the gig is up. The investigation is blown over, the body is cremated, and Morris & Collins call it quits as a duo.

Flash-forward some fifteen years, where aspiring journalist Karen O'Connor (Lohman, a complete dead-ringer for Elisha Cuthbert) has snagged herself a major book deal: Collins will tell-all to her an in exclusive interview that will become an official biography, previewed with a magazine article. If she can get him to open up about "the incident", she's got herself a story. There's a problem, however. Lanny, who wrote all of their material back of the day, plans to write a tell-all book himself. The script exploits the writing angle to use expositive voice-overs, and it works well, perhaps only because Bacon gives his voice a sleezy grit that makes listening to it irresistible.

The first 45mins of the film are completely flawless: terrificly acted, and very stylish, as director Atom Egoyan gives the film a fuzzy look that makes the whole ordeal seem slightly nostalgic. Then things derail a little. That's not to say it collapses, but the script meanders a bit, and didn't hold my interest as well as the opening. It doesn't take things too long to get things back on track, however. What did happen that night with that girl, and why won't anyone talk about it? This is what the movie is really about, and just when you think you know, it flips things on their head.

FINAL SCORE: 8.4/10 = B+

I can recognize this movie isn't for everyone, and you'll probably love it or hate it. But I liked this movie. A lot. Lohman was a little iffy at times, but Firth and Bacon more than made up for her -- plus, she gets naked, and that's always a nice bonus. It was stylish, and its twists actually surprised me. Pure film noir is hard to come by these days, and when it's good, well, what more can you ask for. It's a good little movie that should find an audience on DVD.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

One of the best comedies of all time!

[9/10 · 19 March 2006]

Starring: Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, Ricardo Montalban, O.J. Simpson

Lt. Frank Drebin (Nielsen) is a real man's man. He fakes his orgasms, loves a nice stuffed beaver, and laughs through comedies like 'Platoon'. Fresh off of kicking terrorist butt in Beirut, Drebin returns home to an empty apartment and a broken heart. Everywhere he looks, there's something to remind him of his old flame: in the smiling faces of happy couples, or a pair of twin breast-shaped nuclear reactors in San Onofre.

Enter Jane (Presley), the lovely assistant of real estate tycoon Vincent Ludwig (Montalban), and the woman of Frank's dreams. "How 'bout dinner?" he asks her. She can't make it, but offers a rain-check. "Well, lets just stick to dinner," he replies. They hit it off immediately, but Frank's got bigger fish to fry. Queen Elizabeth II is coming to Los Angeles, and it's up to Drebin and Police Squad, an elite unit of the LAPD, to keep her safe. Ludwig is the villain, and the movie makes it no secret -- by the 10min mark, he's already pumped Frank's partner Nordberg (Simpson) full of bullets. Luckily, Nordberg survives, albeit hospitalized and in critical condition. It's up to Frank and Capt. Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) to counsel his crying wife: "I think what Frank's trying to say is, as soon as Nordberg's better, he's welcome back on Police Squad," Ed explains. Drebin interrupts, "Unless he's a drooling vegetable -- but that's just common sense."

If it seems like I'm pumping this review full of quotes, I am. This is one of the funniest movies ever made. I can't count how many times I've seen it, and I die laughing each time. Directed by David Zucker, from a script he co-wrote with his brother Jerry and Jim Abrahams, The Naked Gun is based on a failed TV show the three of them produced for NBC, called 'Police Squad!' That the show was canned after only four episodes seems criminal. The ZAZ Boys, who also masterminded such comedy classics as 'Airplane!' and 'Top Secret!', are gifted comedians with a penchant for exclamation marks. Their gift is in casting accomplished dramatic actors to play everything straight. Kennedy was (and still is) an Academy Award winner; Montalban was one of cinema's great villains, playing opposite William Shatner's James T. Kirk in 'The Wrath of Khan'; Presley had been a prime-time soap star for years. Dead-panned, the words and sight gags speak for themselves -- and they speak volumes. Think I've ruined the best bits? Not even close, and you notice something new every time.

FINAL SCORE: 9.3 = A

The movie lives and dies by Nielsen, and Jacques Clouseau's got nothing on this hard-boiled doofus. Kicked off the force, Drebin bites his lower lip and says, "Just think...the next time I shoot a man, I could be arrested." This is classic comedy through and through.

Any Given Sunday (1999)

Pacino and Foxx save a sinking ship

[6/10 · 19 March 2006]

Starring: Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Jamie Foxx, Dennis Quaid

Writer-director Oliver Stone leads an all-star cast to an "insider's look" at the world of pro football in this gridiron epic. When accomplished veteran quarterback Jack "Cap" Rooney (Quaid) goes down with a spinal injury, things don't look good for coach Tony D'Amato (Pacino) and his Miami Sharks. Perennial contenders for the fictitious Pantheon Cup, the Sharks have dropped their last three and are in danger of missing the playoffs. Salvation comes in the form of third-string sensation QB "Steamin'" Willie Beamen (Foxx), a rookie whose instant success breeds an instant ego. "I've spent half my career sittin' on the bench," he says. "I don't plan on going back." His attitude begins to tear a rift between the team's stars (including LL Cool J as a superstar runningback who needs more yards to clinch more endorsements) -- after all, there's only one football to go around.

The movie goes beyond the field however, covering the sport from all angles: Owner/GM Christina Pagniacci (Diaz), sick of D'Amato's old school ideologies, sees offensive coordinator Nick Crozier (Aaron Eckhart) as the new face of her team, with Beamen leading the youth movement to take the Sharks back to the Cup. James Woods has a brief but memorable turn as an oily team doctor who clashes with his young assistant (Matthew Modine) over the ethics of sports medicine. John C. McGinley has a great turn as a Jim Rome-esquire journalist, with opinions so scathing that he and D'Amato actually come to blows (afterwards, in one of the movie's many brilliant moments, Tony asks flippantly, "Where's your wheelchair?").

The problem is that the movie stretches too far, and the film suffers from terrible pacing issues. Clocking in at over two and a half hours, the movie drags for the first 60mins before finally finding its feet. The initial game action seems to stretch on forever, with Stone highlighting pass after pass with generic rap music. It's a very trying first hour, but once the movie takes off, it soars. Pacino is fantastic as a man at the end of his rope and his pre-game speech about "inches" is stuff for the history books. Really though, this is Jamie Foxx's movie and he's phenomenal. It's surprising to me that it took five years after this film's release for him to become a star -- he does it all in this movie: he's fierce, funny, and even wrote three songs for the soundtrack.

FINAL SCORE: 7.5 = B-

As a football fan in Vancouver, it's amusing to spot the parallels between Beamen/Rooney and Printers/Dickenson. A few sensationalists at The Province wrote that not even Hollywood could write a better story, but Oliver Stone did. The performances in this movie are all strong, but there are too many of them. Just like the team on screen, there are too many superstars on board, and not enough screen time for all of them. Stone over-extends the film's perspective, and it leaves the film feeling very long at times. Still, when it hits, it's incredible. The chapter-search button was built for movies like this.

All the President's Men (1976)

An important movie, and a good one too!

[9/10 · 19 March 2006]

Starring: Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman, Jason Robards, Hal Holbrook

Awards: 4 Oscars for Best Supporting Actor (Jason Robards); Best Adapted Screenplay (William Goldman); Best Art Direction; Best Sound (1977) (Nominated for Best Picture)

Opening with a botched break-in attempt at Democratic HQ, this docu-drama tells the story of Washington Post reporters Carl Bernstein (Hoffman) and Bob Woodward (Redford)'s attempt to unravel the Watergate mystery. Up against the most powerful (and paranoid) man in the world, it's understandably difficult.

The story is that of history -- everyone knows the basics, and the film does a pretty good job covering the details. It's fairly informative, but there are a few problems. There are times in the film where it becomes difficult to keep track of who's who. There are a lot of names being thrown around; it is a massive conspiracy. But sometimes, it's too much. I spent so long trying to place which name went with which person that I was pulled out of the reality of the film and realized I was watching a movie.

Other than that, there's a lot to like. The expansive cinematography gives us a good concept the scope of what Woodward and Bernstein are undertaking, and the performances give us a good idea of how frustrating and frightful the entire ordeal must have been.

FINAL SCORE: 8.6/10 = A-

The acting here is all excellent, except for maybe Hoffman who seems to be doing his same old thing. Jason Robards is fantastic as Post editor Bill Bradlee -- his ass rides on the story's truth, and his dead-pan intimidation seems both effortlessly forceful and funny. The ending is a bit quick, but the story is a good one. This is a quality film.

American Psycho (2000)

Worth seeing, if only for the post-viewing discussions

[8/10 · 19 March 2006]

Starring: Christian Bale, Willem Dafoe, Chloë Sevigny, Reese Witherspoon

In 1991, Bret Easton Ellis released his third novel, American Psycho, to a chorus of poor reviews and public uproar. It was a controversial work making a perverse assessment on the state of its times (the late 80s). Its initial publisher, Simon & Schuster, dropped the book just a month before its slated release date. The National Organization of Women threatened to file obscenity lawsuits against the novel, and boycott bookstores carrying it. Ellis's own life was threatened on several occasions. What is surprising then is that it took nearly ten years for it to become a feature film. Even more surprising, that it would eventually be adapted by two women.

That said, Mary Herron, directing from a script she co-wrote with Guinevere Turner, turns in a memorably tense film. From the very first frames of the opening credits, Harron creates great tension as raspberry sauce decorates a dessert, splattering like blood on the white of the plate. Immediately, the tone is set for what's to come.

Patrick Bateman (Bale) is living the American Dream. Or...he should be. He works a high-paying Wall Street job, lives in a pricey uptown apartment, is engaged to a beautiful fiancée (Witherspoon), and is banging her best friend (Samantha Mathis) on the side. The problem? His life is completely empty and soulless. "I have all the characteristics of a human being," he tells us in voice-over, "but not a single clear, identifiable emotion." His co-workers think him a loser, and tell him so to his face -- so forgettable is he, they don't even know they're talking to him. One such co-worker, Paul Allen (Jared Leto) leads a remarkably similar life to Bateman's. The difference is, Allen lives it better. His apartment is nicer, the cases he handles are bigger, his fake "Vice President" business card is glossier. Not to be outdone, Bateman, a man who strives for perfection and power, lashes out at Allen -- not with words, but with an axe to the face. Allen's "sudden disappearance" draws the attention of a private detective (a scene-stealing Dafoe), while Bateman's thirst for bloody mayhem becomes insatiable.

The film holds secrets which I wouldn't dare spoil, and its ending leaves them very open to interpretation. It sticks with you, its ambiguity begging for mental closure. This is a movie worth seeing, for even if you don't like it, there is much left to be discussed.

FINAL SCORE: 8.7 = A-

It seems ironic that Bale would move from Bateman to Batman -- worlds apart, they are held separate by only one letter. Still, Bateman is such an interesting character. Here is a man whose television blares porn as he goes about his business, and slasher flicks as he exercises; who pontificates on the musical strengths of Phil Collins and Huey Lewis while committing brutal murder. Such is the nature of the film: shock and horror, with a side of black comedy. Bale delivers a remarkable performance, and Harron, a brutally mesmerizing masterpiece. I found myself watching much of the film with wide eyes and a hand on my face. Still, I could never quite look away.

Ultimate Avengers: The Movie (2006 Video)

I wouldn't even recommend it to hardcore fans

[2/10 · 20 February 2006]

The movie, if you can call it that with its meager 65min runtime, opens with Captain America dropping out of the sky to help the Allied troops in 1945. Hitler is dead, but the Nazis are launching one last strike -- a nuclear super-weapon aimed straight for American soil. "Wait a second," you're thinking. "Where did the Nazis get nuclear capability?" Where else? From aliens.

Yes, that's right. Captain America is kicking Nazi alien ass and we're only 5mins in. He stops the attack, but his body is flung into the ocean (somehow, even though the castle the missile launched out of was very much in-land) and he's frozen in the briny deep for 60 years. Thawed out in 2005, his presence is needed to save the Earth once more. Nick Fury, leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., needs Cap to lead a team of superheroes to stop the aliens once and for all. What exactly the aliens had been doing for 60 years, the movie makes no mention of. They're just back, and out to get capitalists once and for all. The team, titled Project Avenger, is compiled of Cap, Fury, Black Widow, Bruce Banner/Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Giant Man and Wasp. They meet and the social hierarchy is set. What follows is half an hour of nonsense action sequences.

Now you're probably wondering why I would watch this. As Marvel's first animated film, I was curious to see what they would pull off. I've also read a few issues of The Ultimates (the basis of the film), and thought it to be a pretty sweet book. Keep in mind I have a very low quality-standard when it comes to superhero movies -- I enjoyed both Daredevil and Hulk, two films that everyone else seems to hate. That said, let me get down to business: Flat out, this "movie" sucks. It's too violent and over-sexed for kids, and too mind-numbingly stupid for adults. I couldn't really tell you why anything happens, it just does, and at times it's so ridiculous, I laughed out loud.

FINAL SCORE: 3.0 = F

The one saving grace is, the animation is top notch. There are times when some clunky computer-generated sequences get in the way of the hand-drawn stuff, but for the most part, this is a good looking flick. It just lacks any semblance of a workable script. I don't even recommend it to die-hard comic fans; it just sucks, plain and simple. Here's hoping they take more time with the sequel.

Waiting... (I) (2005)

Watchable, but could have been so much more

[3/10 · 20 February 2006]

So what's 'Waiting...' about? Nothing, really. Monty (Ryan Reynolds) leads a fresh hire around his new place of work -- Shenaniganz Restaurant -- showing him the ropes. Meanwhile, Dean (Justin Long) feels like he's wasting his life away working a dead-end job in a low-end restaurant franchise. In the background, the rest of the staff (highlighted by Luis Guzman, Anna Faris, Dane Cook, and the boss, David Koechner) play it up with some wacky hijinx that are occasionally laugh-worthy. And that's pretty much it. It follows the staff through an average day at Shenaniganz, with Dean's "crisis" the main plot-point.

What's the problem then? 'Waiting...' feels like Amateur Hour at a stand-up comedy club. You laugh, you feel slightly uncomfortable, you groan a few times, and then you laugh hard. For a gross-out comedy, it's really something of a mixed-bag, but when it hits, it hits hard. The only problem is first-time writer-director Rob McKittrick doesn't know when to kill a joke when it's run its course. The same tired routines that barely worked the first time keep getting drawn out further and further. There's definitely some potential here for a great movie, as each cast member gets their own scene to truly shine in. The problem is the script's complete lack of polish, which seems rushed into production before it really had a chance to find its direction.

FINAL SCORE: 6.1 = C

Solid performances from a cast of comic marvels stop this ship from sinking completely. Reynolds is especially outstanding as Monty, and he and Long have pretty good chemistry together. Still, without a script to match their talents, the jokes just aren't there consistently enough. 'Waiting...' had the potential to be something great. It just should have waited a little longer.

American Splendor (2003)

Ordinary life makes for an extraordinary film

[9/10 · 10 February 2006]

In 'American Splendor', Paul Giamatti stars as Harvey Pekar. ...but Harvey Pekar is also Harvey Pekar. As are several cartoons, voiced by Giamatti. The movie tells Pekar's life story, showing how he turned his dead-end life as an everyman file-clerk in Cleveland into one of the all-time great comic books. "There's me," narrates the real-life Pekar, as Giamatti wanders up the street, a scowl on his face. "Or at least the actor who's supposed to be me, even if he doesn't look a thing like me." The movie seamlessly blends animated versions of Pekar's strips with interviews from the man himself -- all integrated into the film starring Giamatti, and Hope Davis as Harvey's wife Joyce. If it sounds confusing, it's not. What co-directors Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini have accomplished here is work of purely unique creativity, like nothing you've ever seen. And it works on every level, as a documentary, a bio-pic, and a tragicomedy. Is it funny? At times, but it's hardly a gut-buster. Giamatti plays Harvey as a man completely self-aware -- he knows the people around him are absurd, and he strikes a half-grin before saying things, the cogs in his head already working them into Splendor's next issue. Not to be missed.

FINAL SCORE: 8.8/10 = A-

The movie won the Grand Jury Prize as Best Picture at Sundance 2003, before winning the International Critics Prize at Cannes later that year. And with good reason. Giamatti delivers another knock-out performance, and the movie is a dazzling display of originality. Is it the greatest story ever told? No, but it's truth. And like Harvey is so fond of saying, "Ordinary life is pretty complex stuff."

8 Mile (2002)

Better than it needed to be.

[7/10 · 10 February 2006]

Eminem's "semi-autobiographical" rap movie. Do I even need to summarize? If you've ever listened to the radio, you probably know the story: Em hails from Detroit, hates his mom and is on and off, but mostly off, with the #1 woman in his life. 8 Mile follows that basic pattern, but with a few humanizing differences.

As the movie opens, Jimmy "Rabbit" Smith (Eminem) stands nervously in the bathroom of The Shelter, a local rap club. Set to battle, he steps to the mic, and the whole crowd goes so loud, he opens his mouth and the words don't come out. He's choking, how? Everybody's joking now; the clock's run out, time's up, over, BLAOW!

Snap back to reality, where Rabbit's just split with long-time girlfriend Janeane (Taryn Manning, in the Kim Mathers role), leaving her with his car and their apartment. With no place else to go, he crosses 8 Mile Rd., the line dividing the Detroit's lower classes from its lowest, to return to the confines of his drunk and jobless mother (Kim Basinger)'s trailer. Spending his days working in a steel plant, pressing bumpers in the deepest depths of the Motor City, Rabbit dreams of hip-hop grandeur, and his best friend Future (Mekhi Phifer) wants to help him get there. The film tracks his troubles and aspirations over the course of a week, from one battle to another, watching Rabbit move from choke artist to champion. Along the way, Brittany Murphy shows up as Alex, another down-and-outer with big dreams and eyes for Rabbit.

There are a lot of things I could say to knock this film. I could call it 'The Wizard' of hip-hop, with "Lose Yourself" filling in for Super Mario Bros 3. I could knock the obligatory scenes showing Em, an accused homophobe, making good with the steel plant's requisite gay guy. I could say it has pacing issues, or call it predictable and unnecessary. I won't. This is just a likable movie, through and through. Is it great? No. But its battles are hypnotic, its leading man captivating. This is a better movie than it needed to be.

FINAL SCORE: 7.6/10 = B

Director Curtis Hanson ventures far from the realm of 'Wonder Boys' or 'L.A. Confidential', but makes a movie that works on its own terms. First-time actor Eminem is given a relatively light load -- Rabbit is coming up from rock-bottom, his emotional outlook is the bleakest of bleaks. Still, his eyes flash a mature intensity that sucks you in and makes you care. Watch him in the battle sequences and he's explosive -- incredibly watchable, and it would be a shame if he never acts again. While as a coming-of-age hip-hop story, it would later be eclipsed by Hustle & Flow, 8 Mile is still a fine film that's worth a look.

Sideways (2004)

Middle-aged to Disappointment...

[10/10 · 10 February 2006]

Sideways is a strange film. At once a wildly hysterical comedy, an honest drama, and a lesson in fine wines, it is unique in a way the vast majority of modern films only dream of being. Miles (Paul Giamatti) is a failing novelist, whose vast knowledge of wines is but a veil for his borderline alcoholism. Two years divorced and clinically depressed, Miles needs to get things back on track. With his best friend Jack's wedding just a week away, the two friends head out on the road into California wine country. Miles plans to spend the week at samplings and playing golf, but Jack has other ideas.

Questioning whether he's making the right decision with only seven days left as a free man, Jack wants to party, and he wants to meet girls. And he does. The girls are Stephanie (Sandra Oh), a single mother who works at a winery, and Maya (Virginia Madsen), another divorcé with eyes for Miles. While it may seem far-fetched that a woman like Madsen would fall for Giamatti (looking more like Harvey Pekar than when he actually played him in American Splendor), it works. The characters are well drawn and the performances are excellent – everything about Sideways is believable. That Giamatti wasn't nominated for a Best Actor statue seems criminal. The man gives a performance as heart-wrenching as it is hilarious; yet, as good as he is, the real star here is Jack, played to perfection by Thomas Haden Church.

A former soap opera star that now does commercial voice-overs, Jack is the ultimate ladies man – every girl he meets "has it going on." Funny and charming, Church is the best thing the movie has going for it, even if Jack is a terrible person. About to be married, he is desperate for last minute adultery. The fact that Church can still make the character so likable is a testament to his charisma. Jack is a guy everyone knows – the arrogant jerk one hates but can never quite get mad at. And he's hardly the only flawed man in the film: Miles stops by his mother's house before the trip begins, in part to wish her happy birthday, but also to steal gas money. He is forgivable in his errs in a way Jack is not, for if his actions hurt anyone, it is himself.

With five Oscar nominations, including Best Picture and Best Director, it is unlikely that Sideways will win big, if at all. (Editor's Note: Best Adapted Screenplay. One for five ain't bad.) It lacks the glossy self-importance of Scorsese's Aviator, and it only takes one look at the films' respective budgets to see why. Still, director Alexander Payne uses split-screen photography and the California landscape to make Sideways a sleek and stylish romp in its own right. This is art house cinema at its rich, full-bodied best.

FINAL SCORE: 9.5/10 = A+ Payne's filmography paves the road to this road trip nicely. The fantastic Election was an absurd comedy inflected with human drama. About Schmidt was a deeply dramatic movie with lightening touches of absurdity. With Sideways, he seems to have struck the perfect balance between the two. The film rides the emotions of its characters, with sinking lows and hilarious highs. If it defies categorization, it's because it's real -- its performances are honest portraits of real people, not contrived characters designed to enact a tried plot. Million Dollar Baby was good, but for my money, this was the Best Picture of 2004.

Clue (1985)

Infectiously fun, a truly funny film...

[9/10 · 10 February 2006]

"Based on the board game from Parker Brothers!" Clue's cover-art/poster exclaims, taking pride in its origins, and with good cause. Plenty of movies have inspired boardgames, but rarely does it go vice-versa. Clue is the exception, and it is exceptional. Everyone knows the story, whether they actually know how to play the game or not. Six strangers -- Prof. Plum (Christopher Lloyd), Col. Mustard (Martin Mull, of TV's Sabrina...), Mr. Green (Spinal Tap's Mike McKean), and the rest of the usual suspects -- are called to the hill-top mansion of the strange and sinister Mr. Boddy.

Set against the treacherous backdrop of the Cold War, each of the six has some deep dark secret, and Mr. Boddy has the means to expose them all. But who is Mr. Boddy, and what does he want? There isn't long to ponder such things, as before too long, one of the guests has killed Mr. Boddy and put a stop to his deadly blackmail scheme. But who? Led through it all by Mr. Boddy's faithful butler Wadsworth (Tim Curry), the group must uncover the murderer's identity before the police arrive, and before they can strike again! Loaded to the brim with clichés, Clue is over-the-top fun. Director Jonathan Lynn (My Cousin Vinny, Sgt. Bilko) does a good job with a talented cast. But really, this is Tim Curry's movie and he is absolutely brilliant in it. While many films suffer from a poor endings, Clue has endings flying out the wazoo. It is the first (only?) movie to ever show a different ending depending on which theater you attended, and what night you saw it on. All three work well (though one is clearly best), and you can choose to watch each consecutively on the DVD.

OVERALL SCORE: 8.9/10 = A

Quotable and infectiously fun, you can't not have a good time watching this movie. Racing through the mansion as the film comes to its close, Curry is something to behold. A truly funny film.

Mean Girls (2004)

A smart, but flawed, look at high school life

[7/10 · 10 February 2006]

There are a few signs heading into Mean Girls that it will be an above-average teen comedy. First of all, it's written by Tina Fey and produced by Lorne Michaels. Secondly, there's so much hotness on display, that even if you're not entertained, there's still lots to look at. Not that it isn't entertaining. It is. Lindsay Lohan is Cady, daughter of a pair of zoologists (SNL's Ana Gasteyer and Neil Flynn, best known as the janitor from TV's Scrubs), who has spent much of her life living with her parents in the middle of the African bush. When the family decides to move back to the city, Cady is faced with an environment more dangerous than any she faced in Africa: high school.

On her first day, Cady falls in with pair of artists (one of whom is "too gay to function") who show her the ropes early on. They act as our guide as well, giving us a tour of what the film's idea of high school is. While its aim is largely satire, ironically, most of its ideas on cliquedom ring true. Sitting atop the social pyramid are The Plastics, led by evil incarnate Regina George (Rachel McAdams), and when The Plastics take an interest in Cady, she goes along with it as an experiment -- infiltration of the upper echelon. Immersed in the Plastic lifestyle, Cady begins to become one herself, much to the chagrin of her old friends. She too can recognize she's becoming vain and vapid, but feels powerless to stop it, or maybe she just doesn't care enough. Things go sour when Cady falls for Regina's ex, Aaron Samuels. "Don't you know exes are off limits," asks a Plastic. "It's like, the first rule of feminism." Regina gets back with Aaron for no other reason than a desire to mess with Cady's emotions, and from there, it's war.

Fey's script is pretty good, but it's not flawless. There are many quotable lines to be found (the best of which come from the adult cast, made up of SNLers Tim Meadows and Amy Poehler, on top of Gasteyer and Fey herself). What starts out as scathing satire, however, ends up becoming what it targets. Everything winds up the way it should be; the story ties itself up in with a neat little bow; no hurt feelings are left unresolved. In other words, the exact opposite of high school.

OVERALL SCORE: 7.1/10 = C+

Mean Girls is likable enough to recommend. It's funny, very quotable, and stands up to repeat viewings. It's just not all it could have been, and by that, I mean it's not Heathers.

Signs (2002)

A brilliant thriller that falls apart at the two-thirds mark...

[6/10 · 10 February 2006]

M. Night Shyamalan's third major picture is a tough film to review. The acting is great, the visuals get a thumbs up, and it's guided to its final destination by a deft filmmaker with a knack for creating suspense. Mel Gibson stars as former reverend Graham Hess, who has given up the faith after a freak accident takes his wife (ironic, as Gibson's next major film would be The Passion). Living on the family farm with his brother Merrill (the always excellent Joaquin Phoenix), they're scraping by and raising Graham's kids (Rory Culkin, the most talented of the Culkin clan, and Abigail Breslin). Unlike Harvery Keitel's character in From Dusk Till Dawn ("Do you still believe in God, Daddy?" "Yes. I'm just not happy with him.") however, Gibson's Hess has given up the faith completely. "There's no one watching over us," he tells Merrill.

Soon, crop circles are showing up in his cornfields. His animals are going haywire. We know what's coming next, but what works about the film is the sense of claustrophobia the setting creates. A massive invasion is being launched across the globe, and not once do we ever leave the perspective of the Hesses, in their small farmhouse entrenched by cornstalks. Shyamalan understands that an audiences imagination will always scare them more than anything concrete, and teases us with shadowy figures. It works. The first half of the film is beautifully suspenseful. The first straight on shot of an alien is pure goosebumps.

And then things kind of fall apart. Actually seeing the aliens, they look a lot less intimidating than we previously imagined. The level of tension drops. It's not gone, but it's nowhere near intense. Then Shyamalan goes for one of his patented switch-endings, which worked so well The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. Here, not so much. In a way, it's good storytelling in that the movie begins planting the seeds of its ending from the very beginning. In the end, the pieces are all in the rearview mirror and it is exciting to watch it come to fruition. The problem is a logistic one; it makes no sense. For aliens with such a weakness to even attempt an invasion of Earth seems downright hilarious. Still, while this stretch seems far-fetched, at least the movie works (for the most part). Unfortunately, we can't say the same for The Village. Good call, M. Night. Way to follow up a dud with a stinker.

OVERALL SCORE: 7.0 = C+

The score is inflated by an excellent first half and terrific acting that makes it worth watching. This is a movie that your senses will love, but your mind will reject. Still, if you can get past the "twist", you will have a good time. It's not nearly as good a film as the grossly underrated Unbreakable, but it is good. It just could have been great.

PLEASE, M. NIGHT. NO MORE TWISTS!

Big Fish (2003)

An immediate classic that works on both a visual and emotional level

[9/10 · 10 February 2006]

The grass is so green / The sky is so blue / Spectre is really great ~ Norther Winslow

Tim Burton is a director famous for his visual style, but his storytelling abilities have always been a bit...off. Classics like Edward Scissorhands and his two Batman films are memorable not for the stories they told so much as the flair with which they were told. With Big Fish, this is not the case. With his father Edward (Albert Finney) just away from death, Will Bloom (Billy Crudup, Almost Famous) returns home to finally set the record straight. Sick of being upstaged by the old man's tall tales, the father and son have suffered a falling out, and before it's too late, Will wants the truth.

Through flashbacks, we see the stories the old man's told a million times (here played by Ewan McGregor). He's a high school sports star; he rids his town of a troublesome giant; he stumbles upon the paradise town of Spectre; he works a beat-job in the circus. The main thread through all of them: love, in the form of Sandra, played by Alison Lohman in her early days, and Jessica Lange in the latter ones. Each sequence more unbelievable than the last, Burton brings his visual flair to a story that would have worked without it, and there are few Burton films for which this statement hold true. The result is his most touching and effective film.

OVERALL SCORE: 9.2/10 = A

A tough call on whether or not this is Burton's best film, as his filmography is so deep. But rest assured, it's up there. The cast is rock solid across the board, but Steve Buscemi steals the film as poet-turned-bank-robber Norther Winslow. Big laughs and heart-felt drama, the movie works on both a visual and emotional level. An immediate classic.

Roses are red, / Violets are blue... / I love Spectre. ~ Norther Winslow

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

A classic piece of unforgettable film-making.

[10/10 · 10 February 2006]

In its Oscar year, Shawshank Redemption (written and directed by Frank Darabont, after the novella Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, by Stephen King) was nominated for seven Academy Awards, and walked away with zero. Best Picture went to Forrest Gump, while Shawshank and Pulp Fiction were "just happy to be nominated." Of course hindsight is 20/20, but while history looks back on Gump as a good film, Pulp and Redemption are remembered as some of the all-time best. Pulp, however, was a success from the word "go," making a huge splash at Cannes and making its writer-director an American master after only two films. For Andy Dufresne and Co., success didn't come easy. Fortunately, failure wasn't a life sentence.

After opening on 33 screens with take of $727,327, the $25M film fell fast from theatres and finished with a mere $28.3M. The reasons for failure are many. Firstly, the title is a clunker. While iconic to fans today, in 1994, people knew not and cared not what a 'Shawshank' was. On the DVD, Tim Robbins laughs recounting fans congratulating him on "that 'Rickshaw' movie." Marketing-wise, the film's a nightmare, as 'prison drama' is a tough sell to women, and the story of love between two best friends doesn't spell winner to men. Worst of all, the movie is slow as molasses. As Desson Thomson writes for the Washington Post, "it wanders down subplots at every opportunity and ignores an abundance of narrative exit points before settling on its finale." But it is these same weaknesses that make the film so strong.

Firstly, its setting. The opening aerial shots of the prison are a total eye-opener. This is an amazing piece of architecture, strong and Gothic in design. Immediately, the prison becomes a character. It casts its shadow over most of the film, its tall stone walls stretching above every shot. It towers over the men it contains, blotting out all memories of the outside world. Only Andy (Robbins) holds onto hope. It's in music, it's in the sandy beaches of Zihuatanejo; "In here's where you need it most," he says. "You need it so you don't forget. Forget that there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone. That there's a - there's a - there's something inside that's yours, that they can't touch." Red (Morgan Freeman) doesn't think much of Andy at first, picking "that tall glass o' milk with the silver spoon up his ass" as the first new fish to crack. Andy says not a word, and losing his bet, Red resents him for it. But over time, as the two get to know each other, they quickly become the best of friends. This again, is one of the film's major strengths. Many movies are about love, many flicks have a side-kick to the hero, but Shawshank is the only one I can think of that looks honestly at the love between two best friends. It seems odd that Hollywood would skip this relationship time and again, when it's a feeling that weighs so much into everyone's day to day lives. Perhaps it's too sentimental to seem conventional, but Shawshank's core friendship hits all the right notes, and the film is much better for it.

It's pacing is deliberate as well. As we spend the film watching the same actors, it is easy to forget that the movie's timeline spans well over 20 years. Such a huge measure of time would pass slowly in reality, and would only be amplified in prison. And it's not as if the film lacks interest in these moments. It still knows where it's going, it merely intends on taking its sweet time getting there. It pays off as well, as the tedium of prison life makes the climax that much more exhilarating. For anyone who sees it, it is a moment never to be forgotten.

With themes of faith and hope, there is a definite religious subtext to be found here. Quiet, selfless and carefree, Andy is an obvious Christ figure. Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) is obviously modeled on Richard Nixon, who, in his day, was as close to a personified Satan as they come. But if you aren't looking for subtexts, the movie speaks to anyone in search of hope. It is a compelling drama, and a very moving film, perfectly written, acted and shot. They just don't come much better than this.

OVERALL SCORE: 9.8/10 = A+ The Shawshank Redemption served as a message of hope to Hollywood as well. More than any film in memory, it proved there is life after box office. Besting Forrest and Fiction, it ran solely on strong word of mouth and became the hottest rented film of 1995. It currently sits at #2 in the IMDb's Top 250 Films, occasionally swapping spots with The Godfather as the top ranked film of all time -- redemption indeed. If you haven't seen it yet, what the hell are you waiting for? As Andy says, "It comes down a simple choice, really. Either get busy living, or get busy dying."