The_Sensitive_One Reviews

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Satan's Calling Card

[24 June 2004]

Walt Disney was a sick man, and if you need any proof just watch SNOW WHITE. Satan's calling card is left on every inch of this supposed children's film. From the witchcraft to the cannibalism and an unmarried harlot living with seven lustful men, everything is in place except for a spinning head and pea soup. The innuendo is out of control. 'Doc'? I think we can safely guess what he enjoys doing with Snow White. Sick. I brought the DVD back to Sam Goody and demanded my money back. The clerk laughed but it was I who got the last laugh when my bible showed up and launched a massive protest in the parking lot. We agreed not to involve our attorneys if the matter was settled on my terms. I got my $19.95 back. Christians are beautiful people. Praise the Lawd!

Howard Stern (1994–2009)

Witty & Charming

[23 June 2004]

Stern is funny, enlightening, and a gentleman in every sense of the word. A real class act worthy of the Emmy. I think I like him so much because he reminds me of my dad growing up. I am glad this show has now been moved to PBS where it belongs with other programs like MASTERPIECE THEATER. And if it hasn't I encourage you to write to your congressman and demand it. I am so tired of those filthy nature shows with the water buffalo mating. How can we show this trash to our kids? It makes it rather difficult for good Christian fundamentalists like myself to hide all sex away from our children until they are 35. Howard has made Jesus cool again.

Late Show with David Letterman (1993–2015)

Is there a funnier man alive than DAVE LETTERMAN?

[23 June 2004]

David Letterman is the funniest man alive and Paul Shaffer is the funniest band leader alive. It doesn't get much better than this. The jokes are never repeated night after night, the skits are always fresh, and the guests are so interesting. I love it best when Dave has exotic animals on the show because, let's face it, where else are you going to see a lemur? Yeah, that's what I thought. Paul is such a beautiful man, both inside and out. He is my fashion icon and I even practice speaking like him to impress the ladies. So far I haven't had any success to speak of but then again I am not Paul Shaffer! I hope David Letterman lives to be 2,000 so that this quality program can run forever.

The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

Provocative & Savvy

[23 June 2004]

Rosey Grier and Ray Milland are the most dynamic pairing in cinematic history. I used to think it couldn't get much better than Hepburn and Tracy but I was wrong. When I was enrolled in an anger management class, one of our exercises was to watch this film and then team up in groups of four to reflect on it and make macaroni drawings. I painted my macaroni red and glued it into a heart with "Love Thy Neighbor" etched underneath it in black crayon. My parole officer was so proud. Racism never pays and neither does beating your ex-wife over the head with a steel pipe. My favorite scene is the helicopter chase. It is in no way hokey or prolonged. TWO HEADS is the second greatest movie of the 1970s (I would say "the" greatest, but that title belongs to MITCHELL.)

The Ape (1940)

Thought-provoking drama with unbelievable special effects

[10/10 · 20 February 2004]

That was a guy under a gorilla costume? I might believe it if you were to say the same thing about the balrog in THE LORD OF THE RINGS, but not this great film. Every second of every minute of THE APE is filled with ferocious excitement and intellectual scientific discussion. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a communist. If I was a college professor, I would probably make my students write paper after paper on this movie and not let them graduate until developing a deep appreciation for the incredible dedication psychotic killers have for their craft. If you are mad and feel the urge to kill you might as well win a Nobel prize. Boris Karloff may surprise you in the role of a mad/deranged character.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Sugary fluff

[23 January 2004]

MARY POPPINS had more carnage than THE Texas CHAINSAW MASSACRE. For me, this film was like watching old footage from family reunions. What a yawner! I had several opportunities to drift off to sleep but a silly hag began screaming and interrupted the nice dream I was having about me and Nicole Kidman on a deserted island. The man who portrayed the killer was too attractive in that "Hollywood" sort of way. My sister could really use the name of his plastic surgeon. Someone like my Uncle Bud for example would have been a better casting choice. Even though I was bored to tears, at least my four-year-old niece seemed to really enjoy it.

Them! (1954)

THEY are terrifying!

[23 January 2004]

I cannot go to church anymore after seeing the dreaded THEM!. I have altogether since abandoned my faith because this is such a sick movie. What is humanity coming to I ask? THEM! is a disgusting and immoral story about gigantic ants who come to terrorize the goodly people of 1954 out of their poodle skirts. I recently wrote to the pope asking him to make it a one-way ticket to hell for Catholics to see this movie. I am not Catholic myself but I guess it is a start. It hurts my brain to think children are watching this instead of character-building films like JAWS and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. My mother practically nursed me on these classics - and look at me now! I will write to the U.N. if I have to.

Gigli (2003)

I will commit suicide if J-Lo does not get the Oscar.

[10/10 · 1 January 2004]

GIGLI...GIGLI...GIGLI..GIGLI! One cannot roll that silky name off the tongue enough times to be satisfied. The hallowed actress of our generation, Jennifer Lopez, delivers a stellar performance as a classy socialite coming to terms with her true sexual identity. If this does not deserve the ACADEMY AWARD, nothing does. Most people who have perused my reviews know I judge a film on its integrity and longevity. "It's turkey time!" ::Gobble:: ::Gobble:: - An instant catchphrase if I ever heard one; just wait until this enters the mainstream lexicon. There were points in this film when I had to pause it and search the DVD cover for the name Arthur Miller. I hope generations to come will base their every view of us upon this film.

A Hard Day's Night (1964)

Don't expect Elvis

[29 July 2003]

While it's true The Beatles never sing about love, I supremely enjoy their hard-hitting social commentary in such songs on this soundtrack as A HARD DAY'S NIGHT and I'M HAPPY JUST TO DANCE WITH YOU. With these songs the Beatles seem to be saying, "Real art is pain". The movie itself I can take or leave, seeing as how I am vehemently anticommunist. I was very depressed when Paul died and they replaced him with Yoko Ono (I didn't eat for one whole month). Thank Jehovah this was made before then. And who really got the joke about Paul's grandpa? My grandpa sits in front of the computer watching college girls sorority cameras all day and orders pizza. I don't get it.

Steel Magnolias (1989)

A testosterone infused thrill ride.

[16 July 2003]

The high anxiety action sequences were like none other I have ever witnessed which is saying a lot. The adrenaline! oh oh I can't take it anymore! This is definitely not for the squeamish. STEEL MAGNOLIAS offers the viewer a strong social commentary on the grisly violence we face in today's dog-eat-dog society. Will we choose to pick up the sword and fight or will we stand back and allow nature to take its course? I was disappointed it wasn't ten hours long. Daryl Hannah never looked more attractive. I only wish this movie will continue to play in heavy televised rotation since my ex live-in girlfriend took the VCR when she left.

The Cell (2000)

Teaches forgiveness

[13 July 2003]

This movie is about a man who was never hugged by his mom and takes out his revenge by drowning young women in cells of water. Wow! Can I relate! Back when I was eight years old I went to school with a boy named Bobby Pietroski who used to plunge my head into the toilets, sometimes keeping me submerged there for minutes at a time as I pondered my baneful existence. Looking back on the situation with the keen and mature outlook I have now, I truly wonder if perhaps Bobby would have behaved in the same way had there been someone like J-Lo to talk to him. (Her performance, by the way, is divinely inspired!) It's O.K., Bobby. I forgive you....and forgiveness is the first step toward acceptance.

This Is Elvis (1981)

So THIS IS ELVIS! I never would have guessed!

[10/10 · 13 July 2003]

THIS IS ELVIS follows in the footsteps of other outstanding documentaries like THE RUTLES. Until now I always looked upon Elvis Presely as the single most gifted thespian of the 1960s (see GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!) but then I find out that he's also a musician! I was under the impression that whenever he "sang" in a film, it was dubbed in somewhere else by a professional. My God, no wonder why so many jokes have been lost on me in my lifetime. I had a late girlfriend who made me pompadour my hair with Dippity-Doo like The King so that these punks at White Castle would beat me up; she thought it was pretty funny. But, obviously, "The King" refers to his real talent, that being the head honcho of theater. Elvis, I still love you, man!

Maid in Manhattan (2002)

I will think twice before beating my maid again.

[10/10 · 9 July 2003]

Quite often, usually once in the average life span, a film comes along to tear your heart out by the roots, wrench your guts, make it rather difficult to breathe, have you questioning your faith in The Almighty, and leave you in the woods at three o'clock in the morning waiting for a ride. MAID IN MANHATTAN is one of those films! What more could you dare to say about the director who has brought us LIFE IS CHEAP... BUT TOILET PAPER IS EXPENSIVE ? As a twenty plus year admirer of Wayne Wang, no, 'admirer' does not properly express my exultation, perhaps 'cult-like devotee' serves it more justice...I am left shell-shocked at the tour de force that is this film. MAID IN MANHATTAN is truly, utterly, and understandably Wayne Wang's magnum opus. One can plainly see many a night was spent pouring over its stunning script and casting decisions. And with good reason! Those sleepless nights paid off in many fold. J. Lo plays a brooding domestic care professional in a NYC lodging facility, oftenly slipping into philosophical musings on her humble station in life. Her intelligence and Shakespearean wit carry the screenplay to a place where no other screenplay, I have seen at least, has ever been carried. For the lower brow audience (whom I daresay you'll probably not catch dead renting this), J. Lo reduces herself to some clichéd one-liners and skimpy outfits, but any accomplished person of the brain will know she is doing it to make a social statement. We all know she is the Katharine Hepburn of the 21st century. The chemistry between she and Ralph Fiennes is nothing short of magical. After you watch his mind-blowing performance in this movie, you'll wonder how anybody can ever sit through SCHINDLER'S LIST again without doubling over in laughter.

Da Hip Hop Witch (2000 Video)

A cinematic landmark

[10/10 · 24 December 2002]

I was stunned by the xellence of this master work. (Like my spelin, foo?) Eminem must surely be the most outstanding, powerful, and gifted actor of the suburban white boy rapper generation. Aside from being a respected scholar in several fields, Em is one dopeass mofo. If you don't take my word for it ask Ja Rule who shines on screen as brightly as any celestial body in the night sky. DA HIP HOP WITCH speaks for itself - stunning, emotional, frightening, the viewer is taken to a new heightened level of self-awareness. Now that I own this little gem on DVD I plan to trash the lesser cinematic acheivements in my DVD collection such as GIANT, GONE WITH THE WIND, THE GRAPES OF WRATH, THE GODFATHER and LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. DA HIP HOP WITCH just blows competitors out of the water and no person is complete without having viewed it at least seven times.

The Ten Commandments (1956)

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS is an odd movie.

[26 October 2002]

This movie made me very sad and sent me on a drinking binge for one week. Everything was God This, or God that, or the Bible says this, or the Bible says that. They could have picked a better candidate to play Jonah. Besides, wasn't he swallowed up by a whale? I don't know about this movie... I think perhaps they got many of the facts wrong. Charlton Heston was not born until the 20th century.

Enough (I) (2002)

ENOUGH is a movie for guys who like movies!

[6 September 2002]

ENOUGH, is no doubt, the most gripping and enthralling movie to come along since I ACCUSE MY PARENTS. J. Lo is in an abusive relationship. Wherever she goes her husband follows until she decides he's got to die. This must have been a very challenging role for her, since we all know how dedicated and long-term she is in real life when it comes to her marriages. As I told all, well actually my one friend, the movie starts off very weak but really deepens somewhere in the middle. Basically there was not ENOUGH of this movie to satisfy me! I broke down when the ending credits rolled because I wanted to see what was next. I am rallying for a sequel. For lack of a better name, I want it to be called: ENOUGH 2. I think men ESPECIALLY will love this movie.

A Knight's Tale (2001)

Who can ever get bored of jousting?

[24 August 2002]

I loved A KNIGHT'S TALE! I think a movie consisting mainly of repetitious jousting scenes was long overdue. Sometimes I think I live to see young men beat the hell out of each other with sticks. I also learned a lot about the Middle Ages I never knew. For instance, the Nike clothing company was created sometime in the 15th century and the rock group Queen ripped off their "We Will Rock You" song from the traditional sporting ballads of England's upper-class. I know this is all true, because Hollywood would never tell us anything false. A KNIGHT'S TALE will complete your education.

I Accuse My Parents (1944)

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS is A profound movie!

[10/10 · 22 August 2002]

Wow! Wow! What an intense movie! I cried longer after watching this than after THE GODFATHER PART II. I'm POSITIVELY SURE Francis Ford Coppola looked to this wonderful, impact-movie for inspiration. What clear-thinking person wouldn't? I am often accused of becoming too emotional, but I guarantee you'll be biting your nails when Jimmy goes on some of those incredibly dangerous missions for his mob boss! Also, his parents are raving mad alcoholics that ignore his needs--I was shaking with grief the whole time. It's bad enough this kid lives in 1945...but he's got to have a neglectful mother and father on top of it? I Think we need even more movies with the protagonist pinning all personal faults on his parents!! This way, parents with troubling emotional problems, would amend their ways IMMEDIATELY after viewing this movie. Just think how many young people we could save from crime! Unlike most reviewers who saw this on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, (which I believe to be a tacky show, often making fun of some of the best tear-jerkers of our century), I watched this movie on my Beta machine where I taped it long ago on cable access.