starburstjellybabies Reviews

Date Movie (2006)

The downfall of society itself.

[1/10 · 2 March 2006]

Writing this review I feel a little like the man who ate the passion fruit and complained of the pips. However, I've never left a cinema so full of anger and hatred in all my life and merely replaying this movie in my head for the benefit of this blurb causes bile to rise in my throat.

If I can prevent just one person from seeing this then I feel I'd have performed a valued service and will surely then be allowed access to the Holy Afterlife TM Even armed with the knowledge that Date Movie is written by two of the brainless goons who excreted Scary Movie you will still find yourself stunned by how utterly, mind numbingly, excruciatingly poor this film is. Confusing itself with a spoof it's forced to string together its random and oh-so-apt gags with what is essentially a sincere romance storyline. So the essence of what this film is spoofing is exactly what it relies on to lifeboat the audience from one poorly executed reference to another.

How on Gods earth they thought they could spoof a comedy (Meet The Fockers) keeps me awake at night. I have actually witnessed better executed satire on "The Amanda Show" And even as a fellow Australian, if I'd seen Sophie Monk's leathery, malnourished form, greased up and clutching the worlds most unappetizing burger you would had to have pried the ready cocked gun from my mouth.

Of course there are people who will think this movie is great and hilarious, however if you're over 14 my strong and forceful suggestion is; do not donate another cent toward this film. If you must, do so only so you can demand it back once the midget joke forces you from the theater.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

"Come on baby, fart in my gas tank"

[2/10 · 26 February 2006]

"Come on baby, fart in my gas tank"

While it's temping to allow that direct quote to speak volumes about this film, I suppose its best we cover a little more ground; The Crow 4 follows the mystical journey of someone so Goth they die and come back as Helena Bonham Carter to wreak horrible Tim Burtonised revenge on wrongdoers.

The film is surprisingly full of familiar actors considering it's the 3rd in a long and disastrous trail of The Crow branded sequels. But familiarity doesn't equal quality, but that's somewhat obvious just by a brief glance at the DVD cover. Angel…I mean…Angelis…Sorry - David "I'm a serious actor" Boreanaz reminds us yet again that he's a one trick acting pony with no discernible talent. Meanwhile the only interest Tara Reid holds during the movie is the way her fringe magically becomes higher the more evil she becomes.

The shock of seeing Edward Furlong looking like Marla Singer in Fight Club is actually marginally less alarming than the late movie appearance of Dennis Hopper, as a hip old Satanist pimp (or something) who spouts golden one liners such as "Kiss the bride mother f***er" and "Satan, dude is that you? The original gangsta'?" So even if your theatrical cup runneth over with all that talent there's still the storyline, the confused direction, the script and the makeup – oh god the makeup. So yeah yeah, they're so in love, blah blah, somehow they die, yawn yawn their love was sooo pure and strong he has to come back in gothpaint and kill people. That's basically the only succinct area of the movie. Unable to creatively address the back-story to the film the writers were reduced to a Wile E Coyote intro. This was basically moot because the entire film was a mish mash of Satanism and manic Native American ritual eventually sending the viewer into a psychological epileptic fit.

I suppose if you're 15 and just discovered eyeliner this film may appeal to you. But if you ever loved T2 even just a tiny bit, save yourself the anguish of having to see Furlong this way.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

I haven't been so passionate about hating a movie since Uptown Girls.

[1/10 · 30 January 2005]

As the credits rolled at the end of this movie, I found myself unable to exhale through the open, horrified, gaping hole that was my mouth. What a pile of complete and utter rubbish.

At one point of the movie, a rich mafia-looking fellow opens his expensive shirt to reveal tribal scarification and what appear to be several superfluous nipples; all pierced, and pronounces he wants "them" (I'll assume he meant the audience) to experience true horror. Well..mission accomplished, I've never been so terrified. Terrified that someone went to the effort to press this to DVD, terrified that someone approved the script "Please Mister, you're scaring me!"(Even though I just saw you break someone neck, I seem only marginally frightened) TERRIFIED THAT I HANDED OVER MY PRESCIOUS MONEY TO BE SUBJECTED TO THIS SLUDGE! Scary, huh? In fact, this movie was bad in so many ways, I'm not going to able to list them all in the detail I would like, because you may expire from dehydration and hunger before you got to the end. Allow me to simplify in point form 1. The script. Welcome to confusion 3 minutes into the film. Who are these people? Why did four people who seem to hate each other drive away from the prom, and then keep driving? Why then did they complain there's nowhere to turn around on an unbarricaded country road? Why bother making character development when it serves only to confuse the storyline further? 2. The characters. Who cares if they die. Who cares why they kill. Why does the crazy tow truck guy have a hydraulic mechanical leg that works with any remote control? Why does leatherface suddenly want to be a woman? What's the goddamn deal with the slutty woman and the pizzas? 3. Run woman, run! How man times can you escape and be recaptured? How is it you can be in the middle of the woods one minute then be chased by leatherface the next? It suggests leatherface and his family communicate via mobile phone to inform each other of the whereabouts of potential victims. Mmmm, unexplained murders.

4. The conspiracy theory. Utterly pointless addition to the movie, suggesting that the crazy family of skin fetish, cross dressing, semi cyborg taxidermists are somehow at the whim of a secret organisation responsible for killing JFK and scaring girls on prom night.

As you can see, this movie explains none of its ridiculous actions, characters or general happenings. You're left with an hour and a half worth of questions! Please, I beg of you, ignore anyone who says this movie is half way decent. This film is BAD BAD BAD. 1/10.

Spaced (1999–2001)

Fantastic!

[3 January 2005]

I have to say I'm overjoyed by the fact I'm not the only one commenting on Spaced, 4 years after the show last aired in the UK. In Australia, pay TV recently blessed us with a Spaced series 1 marathon and I fell instantly in love, buying the 3 disc DVD from a UK web site despite our hideous exchange rate. It is one of the funniest and most watchable TV series I've ever seen. Since I got it for Christmas (2 weeks ago) I've watched both series twice. With the "Homage-a-meter" DVD feature on the show has so many subtle pop culture references in it, it shames me and my geeky fiancé to know we actually missed some. Spaced is incredibly quotable "get off me you bummer!" with lovable characters and hidden pockets of amusement which make it so easy to watch over and over again because you're either waiting for your next favorite 'bit' or discovering something totally new and clever you hadn't noticed before. I implore anyone with a decent sense of humor (Joey fans need not apply) to give Spaced a go, I guarantee you won't think its TFU.

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000–2007)

Can you file this under Phantom comma Funky?

[8 November 2004]

I'll admit not everything on adult swim tickles my fancy. I first stumbled upon it with friends on a Friday night in a hazy state of mind half way through an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. We believed to be a genuine cartoon and laughed hysterically. Needless to say the next week, stone cold sober, meatwad didn't quite have the same appeal. Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law, however, is downright hilarious. It has underhanded satire similar to a 'Family Guy' flashback. I believe this type of camp, sarcastic, pop humor only appeals to a limited audience, however if you don't find at least portions of this show amusing or clever then you're an empty cold shell of a human being.

The great appeal of the show is the cameo appearances of your favorite childhood cartoon stars. I guess I love to see Harvey Birdman ruin that childhood image. As I write this I picture the Jetsons overnight struggle to get to Harvey's desk without the aid of their futuristic travelators, half way through their plight Astro collapses and pleads with the rest of the family to go on without him. Besides, who doesn't want to see Shaggy and Scooby get busted? Hauled to jail because of the damning evidence in the Mystery Machine of empty pizza boxes and clips? Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law is definitely the best thing on adult swim, my only complaint is the episodes aren't long enough and it's not on DVD yet.

Cabin Fever (2002)

Horrid *spoilers*

[31 October 2004]

I'd like to start this review off by noting I am a fan of horror, not only that, I am a fan of b grade horror also. I am therefore of sound mind and body when I pronounce this movie a pile of crap.

As we all know, there's different types of good horror. There's bad acting+poor gore+boobs+ 80's=unintentional hilarity (eg: bloody pom poms) there's faux b grade indie low budget homage to the classics horror (eg. Undead, peter jacksons first movie). There's genuine comedy+gore (shaun of the dead, dawn of the dead) then there's trying to be indie, using the actor from Boy Meets World, bad script writing, poor direction, indecisive drivel. (that's Cabin Fever)

I don't know, I should have known from the DVD cover of the 'forest scene/look closer and it's a spooky scull!! OooOOoO' that it was going to be rubbish.

First off the hackneyed teen group is established (don't forget the horny couple) Neither the actors or the script give you any reason to get attached to the characters so prepare to not give a crap when they get infected with the mystery 'suddenly I'm projectile vomiting blood' virus

What you can count on is dozens of unnecessary characters. Watch as they pointlessly drift in and out of the movie like so many dead fish in a pond (or a RESERVIOUR?! Oops, hope I didn't spoil anything original and clever. Groan.) As a side note on that, please note the dramatic music every time there is a shot of a glass of water, cup of tea, empty glass, someone sipping from a glass etc, just in case we didn't get it when we saw the dead body rotting in the river and the extended scene of the pipes going from said river to the cabin where our teens are staying and enjoying glasses of tap water.

The mistake this movie made was trying to be horror quirky and actual horror, and failing miserably at both. Even the gore was overdone and uninspired.

The quirk just wasn't happening, as it came in odd spots through the movie, usually in places where you were baffled by some random 'crazy local' character or script anomaly. Note: a random guy in a bunny suit isn't quirky. It serves only to suggest someone going mad, which opens up all these 'maybe its all just some psychological hallucination' questions. But no, its just some stupid goddamn guy in a bunny suit put there because they thought it would be CLEVER.

So after trudging through an hour or so of infection spreading and vicious dog attacks, (blurry and in the background it looks more like a dog licking food off a mannequin) you're treated with the main character going on a random killing spree? For no apparent reason? Someone then forcibly swallows a harmonica, which is I guess..supposed to be funny. Except that its not too obvious he was playing a harmonica in the first place, or why he was still playing it minutes after being approached by a blood soaked Rider Strong plus harmonica swallowing seems to involve a spray of mouth blood a'la the viruses projectile blood vomiting, so it's all a little confusing. But it doesn't matter, by this time, you're just praying it ends soon.

In heated conclusion, this movie is horrendous! Do yourself a favour and stay away, ignore anyone who says its 'kool d00d' Its not even so bad it's good. And if you didn't feel homicidal tendencies toward that Boy Meets World prat before seeing Cabin Fever, you certainly will now.

The Bogus Witch Project (2000 TV Movie)

Ive noone to blame but myself for hiring it.

[29 May 2003]

It's a sad day when you hire a movie because Pauly Shore is on the cover and are then staggered by how terrifyingly dull the film actually is. The Bogus Witch Project is a random nonsensical Americanized pile of bilious sludge. I found myself confused and unamused by the varied, endlessly long reenactments of the Blair Witch Project. Their amateur ridiculing of US towns I've never even heard of, let alone able to relate to quickly became tiresome and I found myself fast forwarding to the part containing Pauly Shore. After 2 minutes of his insanely inappropriate Blair Witch parody, which contained a dwarf and a blonde mute model, I promptly stopped the tape and allowed my VCR to happily spit it out. I accept all responsibility for handing money over in exchange for a Shore movie, I just hope to stop anyone else making the same mistake.

100 Girls (2000)

100 Girls, Infinite Agony.

[23 March 2003]

I hired this movie based purely on the cover. Dweeby guy covered in 'hot chicks' wearing nothing at all, as is the way in America every day or so I'm lead to believe. See I am a lover of atrocious American teen flicks of varying genre and this cover promised to satisfy my needs as countless films before it had (New best friend, the new guy, Blair witch 2)



It wound up more like a painful struggle through 90 minutes of metaphors and misguided understanding of the female psyche. Trying desperately to be a insightful and raw look at male/female relationships, sex and the female being in general the film wound up making observations on nothing but Hollywood stereotypes and character traits created by the thousands of stock standard movies punched out before it.

So sadly, what promised to be hilariously trashy wound up being much like a lecture from an opinionated bore stopping you on your way to work with a clipboard and a Save the Native Pygmy Rats of Micronesia t-shirt.

Just to top if off, its finished by the most horrendously boring and seemingly endless list of nauseating clichés masking as a romantic speech by aforementioned dweeby guy. Somehow by mentioning he will cut his nails and not just incase he gets to third base sends a dorm full of lingerie clad uber beauties brushing their hair, into a hormonal frenzy, throwing themselves at a boy who has been fishing through their underwear drawers in drag for the past semester.

I marvel at the precious minutes I could have been cleaning the toilet instead of watching this movie.

Zoolander (2001)

Five Syllables! De-rik Zoo-lan-der

[22 September 2002]

To start with I have to say I hate Meet the Parents, prior to Zoolander I also really disliked Ben Stiller movies. To look at, this movie looked like a pile of crud, I refused to see it at the theatre and only hired it at the last minute at the vid shop cause everything else was gone. Now I own a copy and make everyone I know watch it with me everytime they come over.

Zoolander is a great movie purely intended for giggles and memorable lines. "orange mocha frappachino!" If you have previously enjoyed Ben Stiller movies along the lines of "ha ha hurty pain is funny. owwy that ball in my crotch, haha. lets strangle this dog n set fire to this cat" then dont bother seeing Zoolander, its just not the same. However if you have a sense of humour which doesnt revolve around maiming animals give it a go, its classic, culty n plenty of fun. Owen Wilson rocks in it but I could have done without Marsha Brady. See it see it see it, or someone will be reading your 'you-googley'