shagrog Reviews

Manifest Destiny Down: Spacetime (2019)

Boy, where to start.

[4/10 · 30 October 2019]

First of all, you can't see this as your regular movie. No. This is the kind of thing that "that friend" would make. You know... ever heard "I have a friend who made a movie"? This is the movie he/she made.

The writing, the dialogue... Sweet baby Jesus... The characters don't grow at all and yet their personalities can shift in the blink of an eye. You won't understand their motivations most of the time and you won't relate to them because they're completely irrational. From missed queues to missed opportunities, sometimes it hurts how painfully slow the scenes progress. You'll find yourself asking "why?" some many times, it'll break any immersion. Weirdly, this made me care more about the actors and makers of the movie than the characters themselves.

Besides that, if you have an issue with the exploration of the female (ok, let's be fair, male too) body to promote a movie, don't watch it. It's unnecessary and cheap most of the time.

Prepare to have science thrown in your face. In that regard, I believe this was made for a very particular niche. I couldn't make out when the science talk was real and when it wasn't, so as far as science bable goes, this is 10/10. However, if all the physics do checkout, then this was a waste of perfectly good science, simply because it's too advanced for the average viewer. To conclude in that aspect of the movie, I'm not sure if the target audience are science nerds or stoners. Now, I have to give points for one of the most brilliant ideas I've seen in a Sci-Fi movie. At some point there's this scene where the science is being explained (again) and you get graphics and pictures (of course), but... they throw in a bikini model. Why? No reason. Does it make it more credible? No. But it makes you not care, so...

Most of the simplest animations and effects look great, although they should improve their green screen skills (scenes inside cars, for example). Just, don't mind the more demanding scenes.

So, somehow, this reminds me of the projects I make with my friends. I can see an idea and heart behind it, even if the execution fails in some points. It makes me wanna be a part of it. Overall, I want to believe this was for them and I hope it was fun.

With a better script and just a bit better direction on the actors, they could make something with much better quality.

The Gifted (I) (2017–2019)

Marvel's Twilight

[4/10 · 6 October 2017]

Points for effort.

My guess is that this is low budget, as the special effects are a bit off. And it makes sense, since this is a show based on X-Men, to not bet a lot on it and rely on the performances of the actors and staff for at least a season or two.

However, this reeks of Twilight. You know, perfect makeup/hair even after surviving an explosion. Oh, did you get hit by a car? Let me put a small drop of blood running down from your forehead. We could do it realistically, but you wouldn't look as handsome. Are you a mutant? Let me get you the most awful contact lenses I can find. Is this a TV show based on the lives of the "little mutants"? Nothing makes more sense than giving you the same powers as the A-list super-heroes and say "Those X-Men guys don't notice us". Just try to do it with a straight face.

The drama is so much over the top, it's laughable. Just like Twilight. "I know what you are...", "Say it!", "You're a mutant". Holy... Did I just quote Twilight? Almost. I'm losing respect for myself, so I'll wrap this up quickly.

As boring and ridiculous as the show may seem, they keep dropping X- Men references so people will remember why they're watching the show.

Legion was great because it was so freaking weird and different. This is Agents of Shield season 1 all over again, but with Twilight- scented candles and True Blood actors. So, there might still be... hope? Sure... Good luck for those who stay.

I'm sorry for some of the actors. They could be doing better stuff.

The Orville (2017–2022)

Points for effort

[4/10 · 13 September 2017]

This is Star Trek meets Family Guy. That's it. Basically it's male genitalia jokes in space.

In other words, it is MacFarlane's stuff in live-action and let me tell you, some things just don't translate well from cartoon to live- action.

I thought it was self-aware at the beginning, just like the cartoons are, but at some point it became obvious that it wasn't.

The first 40min episode seemed like it would never end and I felt embarrassed as this was passing on my TV. We powered through it (because every show deserves a chance) without a laugh and added it to the blacklist.

Honestly, people, there's a universe of good shows out there. Try those first and come back only when you're desperate.

4/10 because there are some glimpses of geniality and the story made sense. It's just hard to understand exactly what this is supposed to be.

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Captain America: Small Internal Struggle

[7/10 · 12 May 2016]

First of all, it's a given that this is no piece of art, being a Marvel movie. There won't be deep thinking or any thinking at all for that matter. You're expected to see action, explosions, awesome shiny creatures flying around and more explosions. My vote of 7/10 is after taking the genre into consideration.

Why 7? Let's start with a perfect score and move down from there.

I usually disconnect, unplug and turn off my education when I watch these movies, because I want to be a child again and enjoy them. However, sometimes my inner child decides to be smart and a little "why?" or "how?" slips out and ruins the movie a bit. Here's how it lost 3 points: Civil War is an adaptation from the comic books, but the title didn't keep the meaning. Marvel has been taking end-of-the- world super interesting scenarios and reducing the scale a lot. See Age of Ultron, for example, instead of a machine that could control most of the modern world and use it to give dawn to a new age, an age where humanity has been brought to its knees (*gasp* Age of Ultron...), we get James Spader making jokes and failing at being moderately menacing. It was barely the week of Ultron. Similarly, Civil War was a war that put humanity versus humanity and invoked a real moral dilemma that reached to everyone, turning family members and lovers against each other. It was a matter of people's own nature being possibly harmful to others. It had meaning. It reached you. The first main difference from the comic to the movie, in my opinion, is that the number of affected people is very different. Instead of millions of people that you and I can relate to, there's a dozen characters. The second one is the nature of what makes these characters special. In the comic, it was their powers, something that was part of them. There was no option to quit. They had to sign, and have their identities and powers made public, or fight. In the movie, most of the characters have no powers, just equipment. They have the option to pass it to someone, which also makes the act of signing an agreement kinda futile.

This was a story where the Hulk would have mattered and he wasn't there. Marvel moved the Earth trying to get Spider-man because he was crucial to the plot, but in the end he was there just for the action scenes. No impact at all. Thor's perspective (not human) would have been important, but he wasn't there.

So, it failed at being a Civil War movie.

On the other hand, there are so many characters that you forget who the main character is. It definitely did not feel like a Captain America movie (ok by me, more explosions).

In the end, we could have had another Captain America movie and/or we could have had an awesome Civil War movie. In my opinion, it failed, because it tried to be both. It succeeded in being something... different (who cares? explosions) I think minus 3 points for the disappointment is fair enough. It only disappointed, because there was an expectation. If you refrain from comparing to the comic or to previous Cap movies (or to anything that makes sense), it can be an entertaining movie. Again, explosions and jokes.

Need for Speed (2014)

A fine car movie.

[7/10 · 13 July 2014]

I liked this movie. It was entertaining, even though it was predictable enough to not be suspenseful.

All in all, the characters were OK. The main character was the usual, with high moral values and strong emotions, the girl was cute and the villain was the "too despicable" type with no real character depth.

So, here are my favorite and least favorite points.

The good:

• Casting choice was good for this kind of movie. Kind of like in Fast and Furious. Not highest quality acting, but perfect for what is expected.

• Pretty cars, so many pretty cars. I mean, as opposed to the Fast and Furious franchise, they focus a lot on exotics. It's a movie, so cool aspect is very important.

• Do cars really combust that easily?

• Nice landscapes.

The bad:

• I couldn't care less about the characters. On the other hand, when I left the theater, I felt like I wanted to know more about them.

• Well, kinda predictable, but what would you expect? Is there a car movie isn't?

• The finish line of the final race, in which cops are expected, is at a dead end. Did they escape? Who knows? No spoilers here. Just really great organizational skills... Oh, and since we're talking about organizational skills, if you're a secret dude that no one ever knew and you're organizing a secret race, lay off of youtube.

• Why would anyone participate in the final race? It's secret, no glory there, and all the cars that you could win are guaranteed to be either wanted or totaled. Plus, you have to bet a multi-million dollar car. Not fun at all.

• Jail seems to be extremely softed down. The sentences are way too short and they even have unbelievable privileges.

It seems like there's more bad than good, but don't let word count fool you. I tend to over-stress the bad points and not really appreciate the good stuff. It was a good movie. Not running for movie of the year, but better than the last EA games and definitely better than the last 8 or 9 Need for Speed games (or how many there are back up to Most Wanted).

Awkward. (2011–2016)

An average rating for an average show.

[5/10 · 30 June 2014]

Before you start reading, if you came here to see if this is safe for kids, let me save you a couple of minutes. It's not. This show is for people over 18. No explicit scenes are shown, but they're implicit. Don't let your kids watch this. It's not going to be good for them in any way.

Now, the review...

If you're into teen drama, perfect. This is 10/10. If you like to watch good shows independently of genre, try again. This is something like a 5/10.

If you're into teen drama, the actor are the best and, OMG, the plot is so awesome and, like, cool and, like, interesting. If you like good shows, the actors are OK. They have their moments of inspiration as well as moments when you notice they just forgot the line. The main character often narrates and, while she does it, her face just goes weird. Take out the sound in these moments and tell me you make those faces when you think. It's weird. It's over-expression. Regarding the plot, it's a perfect teen drama, not so perfect if you want it to make sense. Sweet baby Jesus, this girl doesn't know what she wants. OK, you're right, who does? But she's just so impulsive. Too impulsive, she makes decisions, acts on them, then changes her mind and acts again. She does this every episode, if not twice per episode.

So, most of the characters are about 15 years old (at least when it starts) and the show/network censors most obscenities (hand gestures and certain words), but then... they act like they're much older, having sexual intercourse and make out sessions like they're rabbits in heat. It's insane. If one character had an STD, by the end of season 2, it would have spread to every single other character. Again, it's insane.

Also, I find it funny (not a bad thing, really) how they always manage to include 90% of the cast no matter what's happening or where. Church camp? Boom, there's the principal, for some reason. The main character took a trip to Canada (I'm making stuff up), everyone has to go along.

The other thing that "grinds my gears" is how a show that targets teenagers can teach absolutely nothing about consequences. In fact, it seems to incentive having as many lovers as possible in a short period of time. Whatever happens, whatever the main girl does, everything is fine by the end. And it's not like the old shows when the main character would be in trouble for stealing candy from the candy jar. These kids are having sex (or making out) like there's no tomorrow and nothing bad ever happens. This show targets kids, but is definitely not safe for kids. At some point, they treat STD's like trophies (just so you know).

The first episodes were great, this girl liked the popular guy. Regular story. But then you learn that she knows absolutely nothing about him. How is this possible? What does this teach? She gets everything she wants from the first episodes, not tension, no work, no strategy, yet she's never happy.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Sony's marketing campaign

[7/10 · 1 May 2014]

This is another Spider-Man movie. Or is it?

While the original trilogy had a comic book feel. This one seems closer to the cartoons, namely Ultimate Spider-Man, because of it's kind of humor, character treatment and level of inconsistencies. Also, Spidey's suit seem to have been changed or maybe it's just me, but it now seems to have bigger eyes like the one on the before mentioned cartoon, which helps corroborate my theory. But that's not an issue. Let's move on to the issues.

The first thing of note is that it's broken down into parts and sometimes transitions aren't smooth at all. One minute we're on Spidey, then bam, we're back to the other side of the city for an seemingly unrelated part of the story. Spidey just finished a fight and we go back to Osborn offices for a very calm and discussion that has nothing to do with what happened in the last scene. And let's just forget the subtlety of Aleksei's introduction (for those who haven't seen it or don't remember, we're suddenly watching a car chase and he screams for nobody else to hear but the audience "Introducing Aleksei Sytsevich" or something like that).

The second thing, that is actually the first thing I noticed in this movie was marketing. It's so obvious that it hurts. Iron Man had all those Audi, The Winter Soldier had every car turned into a Chevrolet and Spidey has Vaio. Now, I admit I didn't check the release date of the first Vaio and this might be a sign I'm getting a bit old, but how did Peter Parker's dad have a Vaio? Wasn't his crash over 10 years ago? Were Vaio's available then? Let's assume yes, then why did Richard Parker have an old monitor in his super secret tiny lab? Space was obviously an issue, he could just have another laptop there. But it's not just product placement and the brand shining on your face. That laptop was the Hulk of laptops. It was so surprisingly resistant that the bad guy could hold on to it to avoid falling off a plane AND it still worked perfectly and finished the upload.

Moving on. You know what? I'll just make a list: - Harry Osborn (a.k.a. Mr. One Direction a.k.a. I-love-my-hair-and-the- serum-made-me-forget) is a pretty smart guy. Granted, he didn't recognize his best friend's voice under the suit, but he figured out things on his own, which is a step up from the regular villains of movies targeted at kids like this one. However, his father left him tons of projects that could potentially save his life and he couldn't explore more than one. He would die before reading another folder from the device Norman left him. Oh, and did you notice? His hand had a problem. Try to remember that for the rest of the movie when, for example, he's pouring drinks or beating two guards of a high security facility at once. Also, he didn't question why his father was green.

• Electro. To enjoy Electro you must forget everything you know about electricity. That's not a problem with the movie. This character was always unbelievable and sometimes you have to just "give it this one" and ignore the laws of physics to enjoy a movie. But, that aside I have to wonder. If Electro can kill with a finger, why does he just throw Spidey around? He was an electronic engineer and yet didn't take power from the backup generator or whatever it was they used to give back power to the city. If he knew it would be dangerous to him, why didn't he stay away from it? Didn't he design the whole thing? Then he knew about the backup. If he's an engineer, he should be smarter. And if (still ignoring the laws of physics, but following the logic of the movie) Electro took power from the generator and the city when out of power, how can Spidey give more power to Electro and power the city at the same time? Should he at least defeat Electro before the city can have power again? Shouldn't all the static electricity undo Gwen's hairdo? Questions, questions...

• Let's talk about Gwen and romance and all that stuff. Instead of going back and forth, two VERY smart people would have established ground rules, thus keeping having "fun" and protecting Gwen from her imminent demise. I know, it's just following the comic story, but what I'm complaining is how they got there. "Oh, I want you... No, I don't... Wait, I do... But I must protect you... I love you... I see dead people...". Jesus, that sort of stuff is what leads to people getting killed. If they had enjoyed their time, I'd have felt sorry when she died, instead I was like "well, now you don't have to decide". She was probably tired of being picked up by him. That move has got to hurt.

• Peter Parker is not the nerdy Peter Parker everyone can relate to.

• New York's ground it way too sensitive. It breaks at minimum impact.

The good stuff: - It was funny in a cartoonish way, which is something the old trilogy didn't explore. - Kinda cool CGI. No problems there. Except, why does Electro materialize with boxers? OK, I get the boxers, but why the catheters? Where did he get the suit? The suit has a small lightning bolt, so it was definitely made for him. - Hairdos always perfect. - Felicia introduced. Doc Oc and Vulture hinted. - I guess there's no Mary Jane. That's good. I guess. We already had that. - Reference to Jameson. - Acting was OK. - Story was meh. If they cut most of the Gwen back-and-forth drama, they could have focused on putting the pieces together with better transitions and perhaps a little more than goblin's "I just came by to kill your girlfriend".

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013–2020)

Meh... It's watchable, but don't expect it to be awesome.

[5/10 · 23 April 2014]

I think this is just marketing. Keep people close to the Marvel universe to increase sales when movies come out.

As a series, it's comparable to Avengers Assemble or Ultimate Spiderman (yes, I'm comparing it to cartoons), except it's 40min long and is not a cartoon. When it comes to comedy, plot and overall quality, that's where it stands: a show for kids.

Why do I say that? It sounds kinda mean. Well, I don't mean to be mean. It's fine if people like that. And the only way I can compare it to cartoons is if I watch them, right? When it comes to tastes there's no discussion, but here's why I'm giving a 5/10: When I watch cartoons, I expect cartoons and when I watch live-action shows, I expect interesting well-thought plots with good acting.

Let's start with the plot: - It starts OK, but parallel stories and the need to stay on par with the movies quickly introduces problems on the plot that question it's capacity to be believable. And here's why it's comparable to cartoons. - A movie comes out and the characters quickly change focus and forget what happened in the previous episode. - Some secondary actor from the movies finally agrees to make a cameo and everybody drops their pants to welcome him/her. Once again, lost focus and memory from previous episodes.

Let's move on to acting and focus a bit more on characters: - Fitz and the girl are a good pair. Much like those rapper style buddy autobots on the second Transformers movie. They're kinda funny, kinda emotional. They're OK. Not "real" agents as they're practically defenseless, but it's more interesting that way. They're the lab guys, like in CSI. Except CSI guys probably have more training and aren't just fresh out of high-school. Room to grow, I guess. Still, OK. - Ward and Skye... Jesus Christ, put some salt one those guys. They're tasteless. I mean, the Asian-American woman has that Romanoff (Black Widow) thing going on, but these guys make me yawn. They seem like nice people, I'm not saying it's the actor's fault. Maybe they need an interesting story and, just in case a writer for the show is reading this, making characters sleep together is NOT original and is NOT surprising. Unless you kinda build the tension or make it a weird situation. But there are none of those in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., so don't even think about it. - Let's just finish character analysis with Coulson. We all love this guy, but given the rest of the show, I kinda have the feeling this was all just to keep him alive. Just look at Loki and how much face time he got in The Dark World, just because he had lots of fans. After his first appearance in the Iron Man movies, Coulson was included in cartoons, games, the Avengers movie (has an important agent) and now this show.

Finally, and this is not necessarily a problem, but definitely a minus for me: the teasing. They tease so much about the core Avengers (Thor, Hulk, , Cap and even Nick Fury), but they're never delivered. "Look, Thor touched this, let's rub our faces in it and try to absorb some of his success". "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can smell Hulk!". It's not like we can expect to see these characters or any major fighting sequences with them, but argh... I guess it works as a marketing campaign...

Nymphomaniac: Vol. I (2013)

If I'm the only one who kinda liked this movie, my opinion may matter

[7/10 · 9 April 2014]

I see that many people criticize this movie and label it as pornographic and plain boring, so I thought I'd share my two cents.

First of all, it's not a comedy nor an action movie. It's not fast-paced and doesn't have lots of explosions and cool CGI. I guess that doesn't fit the profile of a good movie for the majority of the population.

Now let's talk about what it is. It's a drama. The previously described movies are so much easier to watch whether they're good or bad. Drama doesn't work like that. Good drama makes you think and feel. Bad drama is a pain.

So, the problem we're reduced to is whether this is good or bad drama. For me, i.e., in my opinion, a good drama must be intelligent. It's not a matter of pace, twists or suspense, otherwise it would be another genre (thriller, western, police, crime, etc). An intelligent drama is written/designed to control our feelings and shape our thoughts. Of course, much like everything else, it depends a lot on the receiving end. Some people don't like chocolate. Does that make chocolate bad? No, it makes it bad for those people. It's still great for those who appreciate it. The quality of a drama depends on how much you're willing to let it change you. If you just hold on to your preconceived notions, then it's not going to work.

So, what makes this an intelligent drama? Well, the story starts with a curious situation that brings together two characters from very different worlds: One whose life revolves around sex and one who completely ignores it. The first one tells the story of her life and we get to see it from the perspectives of both characters. Why is this important? Because it makes you think in different ways, which is something our society lacks. People are so driven by their own views and opinions that can't put themselves on each other's shoes. On top of that, they divide the world into two. There's only right or wrong, heroes or abominations and it's not that simple.

The pace of this film is very slow, but that's needed. You need the time to think. Whenever one of the so labeled "pornographic" scenes comes up, you can think about the implications. "Is it that wrong what she's doing? Why does she do it?". Whoever sais "Who cares? It's just a movie. That's sex. It's porn." is simply lazy. The end will seem really disappointing until you really think about it. You mind find it great if you just turn from your fixed point of view. Besides, I think being slow and dull is exactly what this movie is supposed to be. Life is slow. Her life was slow and she had trouble feeling. She did something about it. She searched for a way to feel and found it in sex.

Now, I'll grant you that the story isn't that compelling and not many people can relate. But it's not complete garbage. It was a nice ride (pun intended). It teaches a lot if you're willing to listen. If you're looking for excitement too, this is not where you'll find it.

To sum it up, this is a smarter movie than people give credit for, but you need to open your mind.

The Good Guys (2010)

It's like any other crime drama, but actually fun

[9/10 · 12 February 2014]

Today's TV is filled with crime series. There's CSI, NCIS and any other acronym you can think of. Half the shows start every episode with a death. It's sad, it's demotivational and although I understand how people can watch it, I have no idea how anyone can pay attention to 40min of slow paced repetitive crime solving. Sherlock is a good one. With 80-90min episodes, there're no dull moments and there's lots of surprises. OK, every season had just 3 episodes, which is clearly not enough for the American standard of +20 episodes of force fed dullness.

On the other hand, comedy. Comedy shows are usually around 20-30min, but still 90% of the jokes are about sex. Californication did it right, embraced that fact and explored it. Unfortunately, that's just one show. It's really hard to find good comedy these days, because butt jokes sell (still, somehow).

Having said that, I have absolutely no clue as to why this show was cancelled. 20 well-written episodes of 40min each. There's action, there're stunts, there're sex jokes, there're good jokes, there's tension between characters, there're deep characters and there're no limits. The good guys keep being exposed to different and funny situations that don't feel strange to the show. The bad guys aren't just sad pathetic creeps like in every crime drama and instead have interesting and/or funny traits that make them memorable without making them (too) ridiculous. The stories are surprising in a matter that they take turns that aren't usually explored.

I'm giving this a 9, because there's always room for improvement. My first suggestion would be to not be cancelled. Then I'd give it 9,5 which rounds up to 10.

Welcome to the Jungle (I) (2013)

Well, no.

[4/10 · 3 February 2014]

I'd generally go into specific scenes, but this is generally not good.

Some of the cast is well-known so you'd expect better performances, but that's not the case. Most of them acted like they were tired and didn't want to act anymore.

Van Damme did his usual character, so he was as in any other of his movie. However, as opposed to those, he didn't have a big part in this one and it was mostly dialog and screaming (which is not what you look for in his movies).

Apart from that, the plot was reasonable for a comedy. Can't expect much from those and the fun comes mostly from details and dialog and how the character deal with the situations. But these characters had no depth and no good dialogs.

To sum it up, I think there was a good joke in there somewhere, but you'll have to pay attention. These actors can do better than this. Props, makeup and scenarios were perfect. All that was missing was decent writing.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)

Nope. Nope. Nope.

[3/10 · 21 January 2014]

Honestly, I'm giving this 3 stars because I read a 2 star review and think I'm nicer than that.

This is a sequel to a movie that didn't make any sense from the start. Not only that, it contradicts many things that were set in the first one.

In my opinion, the story on this one gains points for not having 10 year olds fighting adults. On the other hand, it has 80 year olds fighting young adults, so... We also keep having pairs of contestants. I never got that. OK, yes, every District has two chances, but then they also never win. In the end, the winning District gets nothing and has one less person, so inside the arena both tributes are enemies too and fight solely for their own lives. How can they always fight together when they should be fighting each other?

At some point, Katniss has some sort of PTSD attack after shooting a bird. Then proceeds to ace a simulation without blinking.

This is one example. This movie, much like it's predecessor and anyone who voted it all the way up to the erroneous rating of 8.1, is screwed up. I never read the books and now I won't for sure. Everyone deserves a second chance, this was it.

Olympus Has Fallen (2013)

Not exactly what I expected

[4/10 · 28 June 2013]

So, I'm 30min into the film and special effects don't look great. I mean, it would have looked great 10 years ago, but now it seems every object is made of plastic/clay, which makes me think they forgot to add the textures. That aside, because many great movies didn't have great special effects, I think the security measures that terrorists try to exploit just are secure at all. Imagine a coke can without its opening thingie. That would be harder to get into than the white house portrayed on this movie. Somehow, the villains manage to hit every civilian and law enforcement personnel with a bullseye to the chest/head while firing randomly from an aircraft. Well, of course they hit everyone except our hero, our knight in shiny armor that desperately tries to shield the population behind cars (from clearly "car-piercing" ammunition?). Somehow the villains just go to the white house fence, make a hole in it and kill everyone. And remember the big guns the defenders took from the lockers? I guess they don't, or they wouldn't have faced 50 machine gun holding koreans with just handguns. But you know what? I guess the fence was the biggest line of defense, or the koreans wouldn't have to cross it before bringing the bazookas... Seriously, bad effects, everyone's hit except Mr. Butler, awesome accuracy from the bad guys while good guys just lay there, explosions... I respect film producers all the casts and crews and try to see every bad movie has a series of bad choices, so I'm not gonna say this movie isn't worth it, but you'll have to turn off your brain.

What surprises me the most is that movies like this one reach Portuguese cinemas while a lot of good ones never did.