The_Limey Reviews

Shadrach (1998)

Tries hard, but it is really just The Waltons with swearing...

[29 April 2003]

OK it looks nice, and in Keitel and MacDowell it has two solid actors as leads. In the end though it is a rather tired, and illogical, attempt at spinning a southern yarn, set in the depression, about a large brood, and an old black man who returns to the family of his former owners to die.

The idea is fine, but the execution is lazy. Keitel is supposed to be a 'diamond in the rough', the kind of character who appears gruff and uncouth, but who at heart cares about people. This is portrayed by having him say 'god damn' and 'sh*t' in every single sentence. MacDowell is supposed to be an overworked, harrased mother of many. This is portrayed by having her drink beer in every single scene, and say 'suge' in every single sentence.

This leads to an awful lot of this...

Husband: God Damn, sh*t, I ain't got time to be burying some old black man.

Wife: Calm down suge, have a beer.

It tries, it really does, and i is certainly not a bad movie, but it has very little to offer beyond a simple story, decent actors, and some wonderful locations.

Glitter (2001)

Really is that bad...

[27 April 2003]

Simple rule, if you are going to make a movie vehicle for a non-actor, surround them with some good actors, so if they turn out to have all the acting ability of a tin of tuna, you still have some hope of making the movie just bad, rather than bowel clenchingly awful.

This rule is ignored, the result is a piece of dross, that was so bad Mariah had a nervous breakdown when she watched it, so bad that Virgin executives gave her $15 million as long as they would never have to watch it again, so bad, well you get the point.

If you want a storyline, easy, mom is black, dad is white. Mom doesn't want her, dad doesn't want her. She wants to be a star, black and white guys fight over her. Lots of tradgedy. Lots of singing, lots of walking around in tight dresses. Everything ends up OK.

I can think of nothing that would recomend this. If you are a fan of Mariah, she isn't photographed that well, there are no big stand out tunes. If you aren't, then, you are looking at a movie which everyone involved with is obviously embarrased about.

The Skulls II (2002 Video)

Pedestrian to say the least...

[3/10 · 26 April 2003]

This is one of those movies that you just sit in front of, it just happens to you, like a nap, and twenty minutes after it is gone, it is hard to even remember what it was all about. I will try...

We are, in a total retread of the original, dealing with a pretty, young, rich, white male, trying to enter the secret 'Skulls' society, that exists in Ivy League schools, and control the world, or something.

*Minor Spoiler* The movie has little in the way of internal logic. The leaders of this society are willing to call the police over a death in a secret ceremony involving knives. But go to extraordinary measure to cover up, a drunk woman falling off a roof, something the police would assume was an accident anyway. So once again, top secret ceremony 'death' = call the police, total accident = cover up. *Spoiler*

Everything you expect to happen, happens, with the exception of the 'slutty' female getting nude. Which isn't a good twist.

Avoid unless you like pretty young things, who can barely act, in unbelievable plots. Or if like me, you just can't resist a bad movie...

The Brotherhood 2: Young Warlocks (2001 Video)

*Shudder* This movie *Shudder*

[1/10 · 13 April 2003]

I love bad movies, I revel in them, I like to think I am ironclad when it comes to them, but this is a shocking piece of trash.

I think my main problem was I came into this blind, picked out of a box of free movies that Blockbuster had thrown out, I was expecting some silly, glossy teen horror. What I got was underage gay porn, with the actual porn cut out.

This is a movie about attractive young male models. They play everybody, the cool kids are played by male models with clean hair, the nerdy outcast kids by male models with greasy hair. These models do not wear shirts if they can get away with it, and even better for the director is if he can find a way to get them into their nice tight underwear. Or out of it.

There is nothing wrong with having some sort of suggestion of there being a homosexual attraction between the young attractive males. However that is all this movie is. That is 100% what the director cares about. There is no horror. The black magic aspect contradicts itself over and over. Anyone who is not an underage looking male is barely given screentime. Even during a 'seduce the wanton female scene' we quickly transfer to some more male on male fun.

Watching some middle age man's fantasies about underage males is very little fun, at least for me. Avoid like the plague.

Thinner (1996)

By the book adaptation

[4/10 · 13 April 2003]

I am not one of those who think King is a great writer, his books are fine distractions for a few hours, and often have interesting premises, however they, in my opinion, fall apart pretty rapidly if you give them any serious thought.

This film suffers from being a pretty exact re-telling of King's story. If you have read the book, there are zero surprises, no changes, no altering of scenes or characters. This is a film made by King fans for King fans.

For the rest of us, there is nothing terrible about the film, it is a 'gypsy curse' horror, with its twist being the curse being something many people wish for, to become thinner. The final third has some severe structural problems, and the slightly forced ending seems to break the rules of this genre a little.

There are worse ways to spend 90 minutes of your life, but you might as well read the book, because there is nothing new here...

Pendulum (2001)

How *not* to write a smart woman detective story...

[3/10 · 9 April 2003]

There is much that 'Pendulum' gets wrong, its Texas location, featuring not one actor with even a trace of a Texas accent. A non-actor as the lead etc

However its biggest flaw is the fact it is so obviously trying to be a 'tough smart woman manages to outsmart the odds in a male dominated environment' type movie, however the ending totally destroys this, and I am fairly sure the writers didn't even understand they were doing so, so desperate where they to accomplish a complex Noir ending.

*SPOILER*

What she does is throw away the evidence because the killer is an ex-boyfriend. This makes her weak. The ex-boyfriend was not even the killer anyway, he was protecting the killer. Therefore she is stupid. So your tough female cop is, in the final analysis, weak and stupid.

*END SPOILER*

Really not worth the effort of watching, it isn't even bad enough to be fun, and the sound track is really annoying...

Suckers (II) (1999)

Almost a good movie...

[6/10 · 9 April 2003]

'Write about what you know' is advice given to any wannabe scriptwriter, it was advice followed here, as they used their insider knowledge of the used car business to great effect.

The characters, and situations, revolving around the dealership are great. It is funny, and feels authentic, and you will probably learn a lot.

However, they foolishly decided that people wouldn't just want to watch a movie of this nature, so badly welded on a 'so predictable it hurts', Tarrantino style crime caper. It ruins the pacing and feel of the movie.

Pity. Still worth a viewing though, although it has plenty of ripe language and nudity if you are offended by such things.

The Alarmist (1997)

A film can not live on quirk alone...

[3/10 · 9 April 2003]

Very poor effort that offers pretty much nothing to anyone but a hardcore fan of Stanley Tucci, who tries, but can not save the poor structure, dialogue, direction, or talent of our leading man.

Pretty much the only trick this plodding tale of a naive new salesman for an alarm company has, is its quirky side characters. But without a realistic backdrop, such characters are pointless.

Nothing to see here, keep moving...