Chromwagner Reviews

When Evil Lurks (2023)

I want my time and money back

[1/10 · 1 November 2023]

This film is absolute chaos and not in a good way. You get thrown into a world where a possessed or a man sawn in half is a normal occurrence and the police not attending to such matters is also standard.

What follows is a series of events that don't make any sense with characters who are completely idiotic or just incompetent, totally incomprehensible dialogue and a script that just makes up things as it goes along.

Throw in some mild gore some of which could have been interesting or original if it was played or done well but most of it isn't (see goat-rifle-axe scene) also using dead children as a shock factor is a cheap shot and gets old very quickly.

I can confidently say that I hated every minute of this incomprehensible mess and I just simply don't understand what others see in it.

Wrath of Man (2021)

What???

[6/10 · 18 February 2022]

This is so bad that it's not even funny. The dialogue is laughable (the first twenty minutes is 5 year olds trying to roast each other) and the plot is just plain moronic. Whatever happened to Guy Ritchie? Was he watching Den of thieves drunk and said ' Im gonna make one of those'? Probably.

The Invisible Man (I) (2020)

Laughably bad, annoyingly slow

[1/10 · 22 May 2021]

Starts off annoyingly slow then nothing really happens for an hour and a half with the usual 'characters behaving conveniently illogically to support the idiotic plot' then some action and some sort of closure in the end but not a lot of questions answered.

Steer clear, you've been warned!

Cruising with Jane McDonald: The Danube (2017) Season 1, Episode 3

It's painful to watch

[1/10 · 9 May 2020]

The production value is all there with the beautiful scenery filmed beautifully but her personality just poisons the whole show. She's rude, arrogant and quite stupid to be frank and her pronunciation of basic words like 'baroque' 'rococo' or 'chakra' are incredibly painful to listen to. Avoid it.

Cop Out (2010)

Extremely unenjoyable

[2/10 · 2 May 2010]

The fact that the only one smile this film could put on my face - unlike ANY other Kevin Smith film - is the scene with a little kid getting punched in the nuts by a fat cop, makes me sad.

For kids it has way too much swearing in it and for adults, well, it has a weak plot, sh.t music, and very bad acting.

I really tried hard but they didn't.

And BTW people going on about how this is an 80's buddy cop movie, well I agree but they were crap too, especially their music. At least those Beverly hills cop/48hrs/lethal weapon films had some good lines, interesting criminal characters and some sort of plot.

It's way too forced and chaotic, I can't even imagine it being fun making it.

Why all good people go main-stream lose their edges and originality? Yeah, I know the answer, just can't deal with losing my favourites very well.

Eden Lake (2008)

Disappointingly shallow could-have-been movie...

[1/10 · 13 January 2010]

I've wanted to watch this film for a long time (high expectation is not the source of my disappointment though) and when I found out it was about an actual English chav bully gang, I got very excited. A film finally that grabs a topical every day problem by the horns!....but then it leads it to Hollywood...

It pretty shamelessly rides the new(?) wave of surviver based-on-true-story kind of let's- just- kill- someone- for- absolutely- no- reason- but- for- the- joy- of- it films that are fairly popular these day, God only knows why.

Let's mention a few recent works here just to see what I'm talking about: The last house on the left, Them, Strangers, Vacancy, Hostel, etc.

All of these have the similar plot which is that an innocent young couple are being hunted and tortured by a bunch of teens or unemployed/bored adults for practically no reason. After they kill a best friend or more likely a male partner, our heroine turns from hunted into the hunter and kills a few chaps with well chosen stomach turning methods to give us the illusion of vengeance and quite sadly makes us feel better to see a twelve-year-old bleeding to death or being impaled by agricultural tools 'because he deserved it!'

This is still not enough for a bad film, but the whole story is usually just weak, have random happenings, lacks common sense and aims mainly the gore-hungry audience (who can't take their eyes off of a traffic accident because the sight of blood and flesh makes their day better).

In this particular case:

1. What is she doing in the bushes from about midnight until dawn?! After a chase, a car accident and her partner's captivation she hides and the next picture is at daylight where she gets up from the same posture. Did she fall asleep?! I don't know about you but I find it insulting towards my intelligence.

2. Did anyone count the days since the beginning which is Friday? Just because the end is roughly around Tuesday and the parents of the kids are having a foam party in the garden instead of starting to worry about their children and dog being missing for days at school time. Not one phone call to find out where the hell they could be, let's just have a party while they are not home instead! (Isn't this supposed to happen the other way around BTW?)

I could go on and on and dissect the film but this isn't the point! The point is: These are just little things, you might say, but if it's a little thing then wouldn't it be worth paying attention to the details and make things right? Because these are the bits that are the difference between a good and a bad film

Well I'm not here to judge anyone but I think these films are directed/created by people who heard of Alfred Hitchcock and likes but unfortunately missed the point of thrillers very badly.

They of course have their righteous place in the film world but this one could have finished a few places better.