Bojo375 Reviews

Uncharted (2022)

Made by AI?

[3/10 · 21 August 2022]

Everything about this movie feels like it was created by some horrible derivative algorithm. The bland wallpapered music, the dumb casting (Marky Mark calling Tom Holland "Kid" throughout just felt ridiculous. Also was the dialogue meant for an older British guy? It was so weird), the horrid dialogue, ridiculous plot, and lazy direction. Most of all, the writing was absurd. Everything feels made up on the spot and there is zero fun of discovery. Don't get me started about the big third-act set piece. It's one of the most absurd action sequences put to film.

I can set aside a little disbelief for a fun adventure film, but "Uncharted" throws all believability out the window. Seriously, the less you know about physics a or well, just about anything the better. A truly stupid movie.

The Sandman (2022– )

Characters, please

[5/10 · 14 August 2022]

Three episodes in and I'm still waiting for some interesting and identifiable characters to appear. This show is dull and listless and seems to take it for granted that the audience will automatically care about anything the vaguely-sketched characters are talking about. I have not read the graphic novels but I'm familiar with some of Gaiman's other work and this feels par for the course. He loves playing in his mythological sandbox but can't create a fully fleshed-out character to save his life. It also looks fake and cheap. I noticed David Goyer is producing this, and having witnessed how he sh#t the bed with "Foundation" I guess none of this is surprising.

Moon Knight (2022)

Flat as a Board

[5/10 · 24 May 2022]

What's exciting about Marvel the comic book company is the starkly graphic way they tell stories. And when I say graphic I don't mean gore, but rather the care given to composition and color that makes their panels really pop. Comic books are eye candy. So - why must this show be so pedestrian and bland? At Least Loki and Wandavision had a visual language that kept me interested but wow, this show is so bland in the way it's shot and written that you have to wonder if the showrunners have any love for the art of comic books at all.

Doctor Strange (2016)

Feels like it was written by an algorithm

[4/10 · 24 January 2022]

Watching Doctor Strange is a strange experience indeed, as all the pieces plugged in to tell the story feel borrowed by some Marvel scripting AI from other Marvel movies but are never quite brought to life in their own right. It's an origin story void of joy and not emotionally moving in the least, as Cumberbatch's conceited surgeon gets knocked off his high horse, only to be hoisted right back onto it for little discernible reason other than a forgettable side character sputtering that "he's special." The character growth is not believable or engrossing in the least. I was literally able to predict dialogue before it came out of the characters' mouths.

The Big Baddie is about as generic as they come, and Rachel McAdams and Michael Stuhlbarg are wasted as two other characters with no inner life of their own. Instead they exist solely to prop up a protagonist while still somehow managing not to add value to his "hero's journey" in the least.

I saw this film nearly two years into the pandemic and long after its release. Maybe hype around its release weekend buoyed its reception? Hard to tell. It does not stand up well.

The Prince (2021)

Mirthless garbage and cheap shots

[1/10 · 30 July 2021]

A boring ego project in which real, non-fiction children are unironically mocked and satirized by a rich and out-of-touch Hollywood writer/producer - who self-indulgently voices the main character in a weak imitation of Baby Stevie from Family Guy, thanks to his middling voice-over ability.

A tired, classless, irresponsible, and totally unnecessary attempt at cashing in on passé tabloid pop culture.

Miracle Workers (2019–2023)

It's... fine

[5/10 · 23 July 2021]

Miracle Workers is harmless entertainment. The actors all do a fine job, but the writing, lighting, directing are all just... meh. There are a lot of beats after "funny" lines you could fit a rimshot into -- and it's pretty much that kind of humor, which some people love so more power to them. Season one at least had a plot with stakes, which made me want to see what happens next. Season two is much more episodic, and so it's harder to return to/easier to forget about. Haven't gotten to season three yet. Maybe it really hits its stride?

I really like Steve Buscemi and Daniel Radcliffe, and the other actors are good enough; I just with the show were better put together.

The Tomorrow War (2021)

Lazy, trite, stupid, and disappointing.

[3/10 · 9 July 2021]

Absolute paint-by-numbers boredom. Full of stupid logic and nonsense. All the people rating this 10 are the reason Hollywood keeps making big -budget garbage with impunity.

For All Mankind (2019– )

Doggedly Dull

[6/10 · 29 March 2021]

Occasionally For All Mankind delivers on its premise of an alternate timeline in space-race history. There are some cool moon adventures, some neat space heroics, there's even some interesting character stuff. But good God, so much of this show is plodding, dull soap opera. This show could easily complete their seasonal arcs in five episodes, but instead we wait, hour by hour, for something of note to happen, for some glimpse of fine filmmaking. Dogged, dogged dullness. .

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Cheesy nonsense with some neat crowd scenes

[6/10 · 25 March 2021]

I reviewed the director's cut in hopes it would change my lukewarm opinion from having seen the shortened version on release. It's certainly longer, and less choppy I guess, but at its heart it's still a silly boy-fantasy about magical, unearned specialness. Often unbelievable and even insultingly paternalistic (the locals seriously need Orlando Bloom to show them how to find water in the desert?) the film tries and tries to prove how even-handed and thoughtful it is by stating in one speech after another how even-handed and thoughtful its good-guy characters are, meanwhile handicapping the bad guys with simplistic motivations and the stupidest decision-making process on earth.

Bloom is a weak lead and simply can't carry the film. Many of the other actors though are quite good. And of course it looks pretty great. Lots of extras (real and digital) make for some nifty battle scenes, so if that's your jam and you're not too demanding in your screenplay needs, you might want to check it out.

Overlord (2018)

Knuckle headed, even for a dumb zombie movie

[4/10 · 2 March 2021]

This should have been way better. Full of lazy anachronisms, stupid behavior and worn-out tropes. The plot was intriguing, if unoriginal. The writers and director just phoned it in.

Da 5 Bloods (2020)

Clumsy and unwatchable

[3/10 · 2 August 2020]

Boy I was looking forward to this. I thought it would be an intelligent, subversive action flick but wowie zowie. So wooden. So clumsy. So obvious and on the nose. Such bald and lazy exposition - and the music... yikes. Wall to wall with schmaltzy Mel-Gibsonesque patriotic nonsense when it really needs to shut up and let moments happen. And the dialogue... oy! It's like some white guys watched some 70s melodramas and said "Yep! Let's do that!"

Avenue 5 (2020–2022)

Boring

[5/10 · 27 January 2020]

It's just not interesting. The whole time watching episode 1 I kept waiting for something to click, and it never did. The show keeps going for jokes, but they almost never land, because the characters and situation just aren't relatable or well defined.

Late Night (2019)

A mediocre '90's movie 20 years too late

[4/10 · 14 November 2019]

It's just all fake. Nothing feels real. It's a frothy, feel good movie that feels "made up" every second of its runtime.

Mary Jane "outsider" "gee whiz who'd a thunk she'd have all the answers" Mindy comes into Emma Thompson's life and magically saves the day, because.... well just because she's the main character.

Harmless and superficial entertainment from start to finish. Set in the world of late night comedy, but surprisingly unfunny throughout.

Planes: Fire & Rescue (2014)

This is bad

[3/10 · 9 March 2019]

This movie feels like it was made by coked-up 1980's studio executives. It hops so frenetically through the first act that there's no chance to get invested in any characters- least of all the douchy main character Dusty, appropriately voiced by Dane Cook. For some reason that's awfully convenient to plot he won't listen to anyone and causes one problem after another. So - why should we care about him? Cuz he's the main character I guess.

I seriously didn't care about a single thing that was happening for a single minute of this film.

It. Was. Boring.

But it was kinda pretty to look at, so there's that.