nils-33 Reviews

Betaal (2020– )

Oh, the stupidity...

[7/10 · 26 May 2020]

Look, I know it's traditional in these kinds of situations for the characters to start bickering and make dumb decisions, but these people...

Almost all of the characters are either corrupt or stupid (or both) which makes it difficult to care what happens to them. They keep making the same mistakes until halfway through episode three I just gave up and started rooting for the zombies. Mind you, that it took that long is something of an endorsement.

The zombies look pretty cool, very corny, but distinctive. The show as a whole looks good, if a bit dark at times.

So while I can't really recommend it, I'd say it's worth a look if you are not completely zombie fatigued by now. The exotic setting and supernatural backstory make this series stand out from the usual dime a dozen zombie offerings.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

fascinating, on many levels

[6 December 2007]

This movie sure is pretty enjoyable, but you have to really love your b-movies. It's extremely amateurish, the 16 mm look, the acting, the effects, everything. Still, it looks like a bunch of friends had a great time making it, which has an undeniable charm.

But here's the thing. Try describing it to a friend. Whether you just explain the premise, or get into a specific scene, it will without a doubt sound like the coolest movie ever made. The title, Santos, loads of lesbians, punk priests, the Star Wars Scat, a fully choreographed musical number, it all sounds fantastic.

Basically, while it could never live up to it's description, it's definitely worth a look. But please, don't take my word for it, just watch it and judge for yourself.

Ghost Whisperer (2005–2010)

This town, is gonna be like a ghost town

[28 December 2006]

Welcome to Grandview.

A small town, like Stars Hollow, but there are none of the funny and quirky characters and everybody drives unbelievably big cars. That's just perfect for newlyweds Melinda and Jim, who are quite boring, and have a huge car each. Jim is the kinda guy women tell women's magazines they want to have, but who would probably drive them crazy if they did (then again, I'm not a woman, so what do I know?). He is caring, understanding, funny, supportive, strong and great looking. Oh, and he's both a paramedic and a fireman. Melinda is ... well, she communicates with the dead.

The dead are looking for help with unfinished business on earth, before they can go into the light and cross over. They are usually introduced in a somewhat scary and/or gory manner, then revealed to be not so bad, then saved or rehabilitated.

So, pretty lame, huh? Sure, but I'll watch anything with Jennifer Love Hewitt in it, and to be honest, after a few episodes I sort of warmed up to the show. In the second season Jim actually gets something of a personality. Just a little bit, of course, and very clichéd; he likes poker, camping and baseball even though Melinda doesn't. Wow. Also, a college professor is introduced as some kind of go-to guy for occult matters and he is all skeptical and cynical, but in a nice way, naturally. (These are not spoilers in my book, but I don't want to be blacklisted, so I checked the spoiler box anyway)

I guess there's hope for this show yet.

Cadet Kelly (2002 TV Movie)

I have to do everything!

[9 November 2006]

Kelly, a bubbly (well, ditsy) teenage girl is yanked out of her New York school by her incredibly selfish mother en dull stepfather and put in a military school. Her boring step-dad is the new headmaster you see, 'commandant' even. She doesn't like it at first, in a (as a lot of people have already mentioned) Private Benjamin kinda way. Hell, who can blame her, she had absolutely no say in this pretty drastic turn of events. When she's about to quit, her extremely self absorbed mom announces she's pregnant, and Kelly decides to make it work after all, so the baby(!) won't be upset. Luckily, there's the gun twirling team to sort her out. Believe me, it looks as lame as it sounds, but at least Kelly can now put her girlie girl skills to some good and decent military use. And, after jeopardizing the twirling contest to get her absentminded (and selfish) birth-father out of some non convincing danger she is finally turned into a fine specimen of Disney Jugend. Since this movie was made in this newest of millenniums, they don't actually win the contest, of course, but they are the moral winners.

So, the message is this kids: Conform, but do it in a quirky way! Thank you Disney. Still, Hillary Duff and Christy Carlson Romano are irresistible as usual, so it is pretty fun to watch, if you like high school type movies, like I do. But if that's the case you're still better off watching Mean Girls or a John Hughes classic.

Solaris (2002)

Boring!

[28 January 2006]

Your dead wife returns, and it's hard to let her go? Well, duh. Memories are not reliable? Really? Artificial lifeforms having identity crises? Seen it done better. The idea of God is a fabrication of man? Stating the obvious is hardly thought provoking.

I haven't seen the original, but at an hour longer, it's probably worse than this. That would make this Hollywood version of a foreign movie an improvement, I guess. That's rare, and it's the best thing I can say about this one. I've seen it compared to Contact, which is more interesting, and 2001, which is vastly overrated. I'd compare it to something more pseudo-profound, like Mission to Mars.

Minority Report (2002)

Not as good as you might have heard

[13 September 2005]

OK, it has some interesting ideas about a future society. The story is actually quite good, although there is something odd about the way it's very predictable, then there's a twist, after which you immediately know what the next surprise will be. Until the next twist that is.

There are a few problems though. Both the action sequences and the (somewhat slapstick) comedy seem out of place in a movie like this. It's like a putting a Blues Brothers style car chase in Blade Runner. The ending too doesn't really fit with the rest of the film.

And of course there's Tom Cruise, who, as usual, comes across as so unsympathetic it's hard to care what happens to him. And this has nothing to do with recent real life events, mind you. I didn't see Cradle Robbing Religious Lunatic Cruise on the screen, just Unpleasant Police Junkie Anderton. He can act, sure, but whether he plays a macho fighter pilot, a whining doctor or a Great White Hope Samurai, I just can't seem to root for the guy. Luckily there are some people around him to care about, unlike Tom's awful children in this years War of the Worlds.

Them! (1954)

Great movie, weird poster

[14 April 2004]

As most people know, this is no ordinary Giant Mutant Insect B-Movie. It is in fact the first big bug movie, and it's done very well. The only true B-movie aspect about it is the fact that the lead characters are involved every step of the way. I mean, the entire operation to save the world is practically ran by a smalltown desert cop and an FBI agent, who was only called in because the first victims were the family of an FBI man on holiday. Still, maybe things were different in the 50s.

Of course, the poster art doesn't help either. I bought this wonderful poster years before I saw the film, and it is one of the most deceptive ones I've seen. The first ant is twice as big as the ones in the movie, the one in the background is as big as a house! Buildings are crumbling, the fleeing civilians are engulfed in flames and a big breasted woman is caught in the ant's mandibles. The line: 'Kill one and two take it's place!' led me to believe they somehow split into two living halves, like a worm. Naturally, none of this is in the film. Anyway, I like both the poster on my wall and the movie on my shelf a lot.

FleshEater (1988)

I just expected more from an original NOTLD castmember

[1 April 2004]

It starts out familiar enough. Teens in the woods. Some nudity. Zombies who kill people instantly by nibbling their necks. Refuge in an abandonded house. Boarding up the doors and windows with very small pieces of wood.

Then after about half an hour the action moves into town and things get more interesting, starting with a completely pointless shower scene. The story doesn't get any less predictable, but the gore gets better, the pace gets faster and the bodycount rises. The news coverage and the zombie hunt are straight out of George Romero's movies, of course, but the Halloween costumes most zombies are wearing are a nice touch.

So, enjoyable, but probably only for lovers of the zombie genre or drunk students. It's just that I expected more from an original NOTLD castmember like Bill Hinzman. But then again, Hinzman was also involved in the infamous Night of the Living Dead 30th anniversary edition, one of cinema's greatest crimes against humanity.

Zombie 3 (1988)

He musn't get away, that box is top secret!

[22 March 2004]

Possible spoilers

This movie manages to rip off four other movies in the first fifteen minutes! The chopper, the soldiers/scientists and the music are like a poor man's Day of the Dead, the soldiers in biosuit seem to have wandered off the set of the Crazies. But it's not just Romeros work that is recycled. Burning a virus-infected body? Saw that before, turned out bad then too. A black, blind DJ commenting on society? Vanishing Point anybody? At least the bird attack looks more like Piranha II than the Birds.

Still, I prefer this one to the original, if you can call it that, Zombie Flesheaters/Zombie 2 or under whatever name you've seen it. I just prefer urban zombies to Voodoo zombies. And the zombies do look cool, even if they are a little inconsistent. Some stagger Romero-style, some are really fast like Return of the Living Dead. Some die from being shot or stabbed, or even falling out of a window, some don't. Some talk, some growl. Maybe the slow ones are the resurrected dead and the others are infected people who are not dead yet. Who knows. The DJ mentions the dead rising , but we never actually see it happen. It doesn't really matter, dead or sick, they all have a healthy appetite for the living.

The acting is not that bad really, it just seems that way because of bad dubbing. The scientist and soldiers in the military science compound are graduates from the Troma School of Acting though. Professor Holder is especially bad. I would call it overacting, but I'm not sure if I could call it acting at all.

Overall, very enjoyable.

Rabid Grannies (1988)

Hilarious!

[16 December 2003]

Apparently Belgium produces something other than chocolate; crap movies. This little gem was picked up by Troma, and it's easy to see why. Every character is nasty, and the makers have enough bad taste (and, dare I say it, guts?) to not only have a child killed, but dismembered. You don't see that in a lot of american movies. The make-up and gore effects are actually pretty good, compared to a lot of other Troma films.

The first half hour sure is slow, but the unpleasant characters and the unbelievably bad acting keep it entertaining. Unsurprisingly, most of the 'actors' never made any other films before or after this one. And rightly so, because they give some of the worst performances I have ever seen on screen. Nodding and grimassing at every line and dubbed in very unnatural british accents, they are more amateurish than a school play. Like the two gravediggers in Plan 9.

When things do get going, it's just your basic 'everyone gets picked off one by one in various imaginative ways' kind of plot. A lot of cut off limbs, Evil Dead-style slapstick violence and even more horrendous acting keep it enjoyable throughout. If you like that kind of thing, that is.

The Postman (1997)

This man just loves ripping of Mad Max, doesn't he?

[21 November 2003]

That's about all I have to say. Waterworld was Costners Road Warrior, this is Beyond the Thunderdome, you know, with kids who think he's some kind of saviour. The third Mad Max movie was a disappointment, so a rip-of of a disappointment ... you do the math.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Remake this!? That's like remaking Citizen Kane for the new millennium.

[20 November 2003]

It's been said before, off course, but if you're looking for wisecracks and gore, watch Evil Dead (wich is great) or any 90's 'modern' slasher movie (not so great). I haven't seen the remake yet, but I heard the director planned to make it "less gorie". That's quite impossible. Up until the final scene there is a tiny bit of blood (from scratches and cut fingers mostly) and definitely no gore. And the movie is all the more nasty and disturbing for it. As Jonathan Ross said on Film 2003: "for regular viewers it's sometimes unbearable to watch". Not scary, but very unpleasant. A classic.

Fever Lake (1997 Video)

Will Corey Haim and Slater never age?

[2 November 2003]

Possible spoilers ahead

This movie starts as a third rate slasher flick. A few typical dumb teenagers that are so obnoxious that you can't wait for them to die go off to Fever Lake for the weekend. A lake huh? That's something new.

That night the Evil roams through the house, like a slllooowwww version of the Evil in the woods from the Evil Dead movies. I guess that's because this particular Evil comes from the lake, rather than the woods. (insert your fish out of water joke here) It also attacks a local waitress by smearing tiny drops of blood on her face. After slowly chasing her trough the woods of course. Only this time it manifests itself as a wolf, or dog (?), that is sometimes invisible and sometimes not. Or something.

Finally, it turns out this is actually a teen slasher Shining. With a weird 'quiet' type of guy and a strange smart girl as Jack Nicholson. A nice girl, a slut, a jock, and a horny prankster for false scares as Jack's wife and son. And an Indian played by a white man that seems to be unable to move his facial muscles as the cook.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

nice looking landscapes and girl...

[30 October 2003]

... and that's about it really. The rest is an agonisingly slow two hours of boring lovestories and swinging about on invisible ropes. Four oscars? At least a lot of people seem to hate it. Why can't they hate that other pinnacle of overratedness (is that a word?), The Matrix, a bit more?

Captain America (1990)

depends on what you expect

[21 October 2003]

This one is truly awful, but if you are in the right state of mind, the ludicrous plot, the crappy special FX and the fact that both Cap and The Red Skull don't wear their trademark costumes/make-up for most of the movie will have you howling with laughter. And let's not forget the "I'm sick, pull over" trick Captain America (walking around with his shield in a giant bag) uses twice to steal a car.

In short, if you're into faithful adaptations of comics and superheroes, avoid Albert Pyuns travesty like the plague, but if you are into enjoying crappy movies, go find it. And pick up a copy of 'Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.' as well.

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984)

forget Xanadu, forget Roller Boogie, even Grease 2. This is the worst musical in the history of time.

[3 May 2003]

I'm not kidding. This one is appallingly bad. Where to start? It really doesn't matter, this movie sucks on every level, so by all means, watch it! Enjoy it!

A few things in it's favour (well, two):

As usual, the Bad Guys Band is much better than the lame heroes-(or are they?)-band. What can I say? Frantic 80's Rockabilly/psychobilly (well, somewhat frantic) is just a lot cooler than toecurling 80's electronic awful 'rock'.

Also, 'When the Rain begins to fall' has been a long time favourite of mine. It's used twice, the first time in a totally unrelated videoclip featering Jermaine Jackson Himself, the second in a tagged-on unrelated musical number with the bad-boy-turned-good lipsynching Jermaines part.

In short, watch it, you'll be amazed.

Jason X (2001)

James Cameron and Ridley Scott should sue!

[21 April 2003]

Well, it had some nice ideas and killings, most of which have been mentioned in other reviews.

Spoilers ahead

well, I won't spoil anything, that's already been done, 17 years ago. James Cameron already gave away most of the plot, dialogue and characters in Aliens. But this movie rips off some others too.

It was enjoyable though. Just don't expect too much.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

this is the one folks!

[16 April 2003]

spoilers?

It's been quite a wait, but I certainly wasn't disappointed. A truckload of horrorcliches all crammed in one movie. It's all there: homocidal rednecks, deformed retards, psychotic beautiful girls, clowns, freakshows, skinwearing, skull & bone stacking, man made mutants, stupid students, cheerleaders and it just keeps going.

In short, never a dull moment. Played for laughs at the beginning, sick and twisted at the end.

I don't particularly like Rob Zombies music, but it did fit perfectly in this movie. A single Ramones track (now I wanna sniff some glue) made all the nu-metal pain go away anyway.

This is not a movie for everyone. It's like a celebration of horror cliches, but not in a 90's-teenage, smartass, pointing-it-out-to-the-viewer kinda way. Some people I saw it with seemed to see that as stealing, or not being original. Well, I was grinning like a maniac all the way through.

The Matrix (1999)

'overrated' is a one word summary

[4 April 2003]

Great concept of course. I had high hopes going to the cinema a few years ago, although I was slightly worried by the fact that the world's worst actor was to play the lead. The idea behind the movie sounded so promising that I was ready to set aside my prejudices and enjoy it.

Well... I left the theater depressed, bored and enormously annoyed with my friends who were raving about how great this movie was. Then, I thought it was a crappy, overrated but average film, but my dislike has grown over the years because of the constant praise of people who really should know better. Now I really hate The Matrix and I do hope there are some of you out there that agree with me, although I haven't found many yet.