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slatromhsiloof
Reviews
Hunting Grounds (2008)
Might not be the worst video ever made.
Probably someone somewhere videotaped their aged grandmother tweezing armpit hair or something, and that may (or may not?) have been worse. Some people were put on this planet to make movies, some were put on this planet to collect trash and remove it to the land fill, others were put here to scam gullible people out of their money. The people involved in this production are obviously the latter. This video is yet another attempt to get poor suckers to shell out $1.25 at the local video vending machine by offering reasonably attractive cover art along with a vague storyline in order to catch unwary consumer off guard. Sure people have seen everything good and are looking for something to fill the gap. Tired of crap TV like "The Worn Out Old Hags of Orange County" and "Jersey Whores". But face it people, its YOUR fault all this trash repeatedly gets made. You are the idiots who watch it. If it wasn't for the irresponsible consumers of all this trash, these people would stop getting rich off of you, and would actually have to make something entertaining to get your money. NO, I didn't pay to see this particular piece of trash. My job allows me to see all this garbage for free, then I try to warn you saps about it. It seems to fall on deaf ears though. One more time in case you missed it. AVOID THIS GARBAGE. Don't listen to fake ten star reviews for a movie whose actual budget was probably less than a trip to the grocery store.
Machete Joe (2010)
What a pile of garbage!
Anyone who would give this movie 10 stars is either part of the production crew or severely brain damaged. This film has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Do yourself a favor and avoid this steaming pile of feces. Two grade school children with a webcam could put together a better production than this. I've seen videos on U tube that were far more entertaining. I would imagine they pulled the script from a Universal Studios port-a-potty, then enticed a few homeless people to act in the film by offering them day old donuts as payment. The rest of the budget probably went to hookers and blow. Take a hint producers of this turd: If you are going to make a movie this horrible, you had better switch to pornography as those movies don't depend on stories or acting ability. Sorry for spoiling your scam of throwing up fake 10 star reviews in an effort to sucker people into paying money to watch your horrible waste of time. If you want to put up these fake reviews you should probably put up a more believable 4 stars, as even that is far more than this movie deserves. Just so you know, I saw this movie FOR FREE and it was turned off after the first ten minutes. It was that bad.
The Wylds (2010)
The Christian group that made this tripe should be ashamed.
Yet another "religious" group misleading innocent people into spending their hard earned money on what amounts to rotting garbage. The only message I got from this film is "don't trust religious organizations." Dishonest people make me sick. Dishonest religious people even more so. These people need to get right with God and return everyone's money for intentionally misleading them into buying this trash. Terrible, terrible film. Production values are below substandard, acting was on par with a grade school play, special effects look like they were done on a $200 notebook by a ten year old boy. I couldn't even follow the story as my mind kept drifting off to more entertaining thoughts- like taking out the garbage, and cleaning out the crud under the toilet bowl rim. Shame on everyone involved with this film. Passing this off as entertainment amounts to thievery. I expect this behavior from sleazy Hollywood producer types, not from people who call themselves Christians. Do not spend a dime of your hard earned money on this putrid mess. It only encourages these slimy, dishonest people to make more films like it in the future.
Sinister (2011)
OMG! Looks like it was shot by a five year old with a camcorder!
Obviously LOW LOW budget video. Not worth a watch by any means, total waste of time. Not even good enough for public access television. If someone offers you this video for free, decline it. Not worth the energy to carry it from your car to your house. Was more entertaining in the microwave than in the DVD player (try it). No-name actors put out horrendous "performances". I've seen better acting in a kindergarten Christmas play. If you see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them. If someone had given me the money it took to produce this film I would have bought a pizza instead. This is the kind of video that gets actors noticed, as in "I noticed how bad your acting was in this video and I'll never hire you." noticed. I was not even able to finish watching this movie because it was making me physically ill. It always makes me wonder what kind of idiot would finance these garbage movies. Do yourself a favor and stay far away from this horrible movie. Stay home and watch reruns of Three's Company instead. At least that garbage is survivable.
Bitter Feast (2010)
Horrible waste of time.
Far less entertaining than reading Mexican graffiti on the wall of the bathroom stall, and take into consideration that I can't read Mexican. Whoever funded this trash should have spent his $20 better and bought a pizza instead. At least a pizza would have brought pleasure to 3-4 people, something this movie will not do in a lifetime, no matter how many fake reviews the cast and crew pile up on IMDb trying to get some poor sap to pay to watch this garbage. I couldn't even make it through half the movie it was so bad, and I'll watch Hogan's Heroes re-runs. It was so bad it put my dog into a coma and I had to have him put to sleep. The only thing this movie has going for it is it is so unmemorable that they can rename it in a few months and re market it as a Michael Moore documentary. Yes, its THAT bad. I blame the director, the producer, the actors and the writers for the poor quality of the film. They should all go back to working at Burger King and leave the film making to the professionals. Yes, I am being overly kind. Usually I would call for them to be flayed alive to keep anyone else from being inflicted by their horrendous garbage, but my brain has not yet recovered from the damage this film has done to it. I only wish I had huffed paint instead of watching this movie as I would have killed far fewer brain cells.
It's Kind of a Funny Story (2010)
Marketed as a comedy, but not funny at all.
I don't think they even tried. More effort was put into the advertising of this movie than actually went into the production of the movie itself. Nothing of interest ever happens, the main characters are flat and uninteresting themselves. I kept waiting for the fat guy from The Hangover to say or do something funny, but it never happened. I didn't hear a single person in the theater laugh one single time, but I did notice several people leave and not come back in. How this thing currently has a 7 star rating on IMDb is unfathomable. This movie isn't worth a $1 Redbox rental, let alone the $6 matinée ticket I paid. If this was an independent low budget art film I would give it a higher rating, but this is inexcusable trash for a mainstream movie. Do yourself a favor and wait the two weeks for this waste of time to come out on free TV, because this isn't even worth watching for free, and you'll likely change the channel to Mexican midget wrestling after the first ten minutes of this unfunny, undramatic movie that fails to entertain on any level whatsoever.
Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)
If you like to watch ugly naked women die, this movie might be for you.
But even then I doubt it. I still haven't figured out if this movie is supposed to be "so bad its good" or just bad. Its really painful to watch movies this bad. The acting was just terrible. The story was just terrible. The lighting was just terrible. The editing was just terrible. The sound was just terrible. The women were homely enough that I kept wishing they would put their clothes on. Nudity would be the only redeeming quality of this movie if only the women weren't so unattractive. Basically if you rent this movie I am sorry you wasted your dollar (God help you if you paid more than that), but more sorry you wasted your time. You can watch it all the way to the end if you want, but it doesn't get any better than the first impossibly bad ten minutes. A word of wisdom to the dingbat producers of this pile of cr@p. Next time, if you are going to make a movie who's only redeeming quality is showing nudity, don't hire your deformed, retarded, cross-eyed, over the hill, junkie half sisters with bad teeth to be the eye candy. Try to get a few 18-22 year old cuties from the charity car wash or something. You might not get to sleep with them, but 14 year old boys at least will watch your garbage more than the first time before chucking the disc in the garbage.
Summer Love (2006)
Beware this turd! Remarketed as "Dead Man's Bounty" to sucker people into seeing it.
The ten star reviews are a joke people. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME watching this garbage. Even if your idea of a good time is watching Val Kilmer play a lifeless corpse or a severed head this movie will not be for you. I am NOT JOKING, he actually plays a freaking dead body that gets dragged around. Don' get me wrong, Val has had himself some real winners but "lost favor" due to substance abuse and would take anything he could get. Apparently he was so out of it he couldn't even score a speaking role in the worst movie of all time, this Polish western. This movie would never be seen by American audiences without his picture on the cover, so it was re-marketed and the rest is tragedy. I feel so sorry for Val, having this turd hanging over him waiting to be cut loose while laying face down in the bowl....
Diary of a Bad Lad (2010)
Beware the fake good reviews.
No budget turd, unbelievable performances. Only thing good about this film is you can see how bad it is in the first two minutes so you can shut the thing off and stick it in the microwave on high before you die of boredom. Compare this film to a grade school play that your kid isn't in, so you don't have to watch it. The makers of this film ought to be embarrassed. They probably would have made more money by dancing in front of the bus station holding paper cups and calling for spare change. It sure would have been more entertaining to watch. Here is a tip for the makers: Next time you have an idea for a film, watch television instead, preferably reruns of "I Love Lucy". No reason we should be the only ones suffering. Avoid this refuse.
Trash Humpers (2009)
If someone actually paid to see this, they are beyond stupid.
This useless excuse of a film further proves that stupid people will watch anything. It also proves that not only are film critics abnormally stupid, but they are also insane. How anyone could call this "art" is beyond my comprehension. How anyone could review this "film" and not give it negative 10 stars is unbelievable. My five year old niece shoots better quality video than this with a $10 digital camera, and anyone who thinks the crappy video was deliberate probably also believes that OJ Simpson is not guilty, that Santa Claus is real, and the Tooth Fairy flies around at night collecting teeth. This film is pure garbage, probably shot by a drunk retard high on mushrooms. My guess is the film maker's favorite saying is "Did Corky do good? I want pudding now!". Trust me when I say I am being overly kind. This kind of train wreck only draws the attention of the mentally ill, and now we know who some of you are, so we are watching you. I give it 500 thumbs down. I had to kill a lot of people to get those thumbs, so don't take this review lightly.
Make-Out with Violence (2008)
Let me guess.....student film?
Appears to be a no budget film shot by an amateur film crew with no name actors, reading a script wrote by a ten year old, and directed by the family dog. The only redeeming quality of this film was that I got to tell my wife "I told you so." after telling her it was going to be a terrible waste of time go nowhere pile of garbage. I called it right on the nose. Terrible movie. Wouldn't watch it again if my face was on fire and watching this movie was the only thing in the world that would put out the flames. Scene after scene of useless drivel that was irrelevant to the story line...er...I'm not sure there even was a story line actually. There are so many questions left unanswered, the biggest is "Why did I watch this whole terrible movie?". It would have been far more entertaining to watch random clips of Spongebob Squarepants upside-down and backwards. Here is a hint. f you look up a movie on the IMDb site and any of the reviews contain the word "indie", flush your money down the toilet and stay home. You'll end up being a lot more entertained watching re-runs of Jersey Shore ya muff cabbage. After all, Snookie wants smoosh-smoosh. Right?
Severance (2006)
Finally! A low budget movie thats not garbage.
Its not really that hard to come up with a story that works, and this one does. Despite a slow start, this movie actually didn't make me want to gouge out my eyes unlike most of the low budget garbage being churned out these days. Its not perfect, and won't appeal to everyone, but it certainly was better than most of the terrible movies I write bad reviews about. I have to admit, the only reason I made it through the first half was because I thought maybe there was a chance of seeing the hot blond British girl's boobs. Sadly, that didn't happen, but I was pleasantly surprised at the second half of the movie when things started to happen. I'm not a fan of cheap slasher flicks, but this had enough subtle dark humor to keep me interested. This movie should be required viewing for all the stupid money wasting liberal douches in Hollywood so they could learn to make a decent movie that doesn't waste the general public's time. Definitely this movie should be watched by Mr. M. Nite Shalliwallibingbang so he can learn how to put a twist in a movie that's not obvious as a heart attack and dumb as a stump.
The Art of Pain (2008)
How does a movie with a $12 budget get 9-10 star reviews?
Easy. The people who produce, direct, and act in the garbage review the movie themselves. Since very few people want to waste their time reviewing garbage, they don't bother to refute the stupid, obviously skewed reviews. Its pretty easy to spot these turd movies. If you haven't ever heard of it before, and it has any ten star reviews, some unethical sh1th3@d wrote a fake review for it to sucker you into watching it. This movie was so bad I couldn't get through the first twenty minutes of it. I didn't pay a dime to see it, but I felt as if the producers owed me my $14 back. If this movie made it to the theater and it sold one ticket, it would probably have made a profit. I'm betting everyone in the movie probably worked for free just so they could say "I was in a movie!". I think the production company trolled the soup kitchens for the acting and filming staff, paid them in garbage and cardboard, and they still didn't get their money's worth. I give this production 28 thumbs down, which means I had to hack off 26 human hands just to show you, the reader of this review, how strongly I disliked this movie. Avoid this steaming pile at all costs.
Silent Sam (2009)
Worst movie in the history of the earth. Avoid like the plague.
There really needs to be a way to put negative stars on these low budget turds. The "good" reviews are obviously being put up by people involved in the production of the "film". This "film" is so bad it doesn't even deserve a 1 star vote. This waste of time and money appears to have been written and shot by a bunch of drunk frat boys in the span of an afternoon. Cartoon blood added later courtesy of free rendering software downloaded from the wifi connection on a laptop at the local McDonald's. This movie is so bad, please don't even waste the time to finish reading any reviews about it. I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you are the college professor who has to grade it, and if you are he....I feel sorry for you. How anyone would waste their time filming such garbage is beyond my comprehension. This movie isn't even worth watching to make fun of it, and the people who shot it. Every copy should be rounded up, loaded onto a rocket and shot into the sun so that every trace of its existence can be wiped from the face of the earth. I'm embarrassed to even be of the same species as the person who thought someone would want to see this. I watched the first 20 minutes and I think I have suffered permanent brain damage from it. Its impossible to put into words how truly horrible this "movie" is. I would rather watch colonoscopy video than this thing. This thing is UGLY. Just reading the reviews makes me want to punch the director in the face. AVOID! AVOID! AVOID!
I'm Still Here (2010)
Like eating a taco full of dog sh*t. Left a bad taste in my mouth that wouldn't go away.
This is a movie about some washed up actor I've never heard of, trying to bilk his 6-7 fans into spending $7 each to see this "movie". I'm assuming at some point he did something relevant to someone in his career but I'm not quite sure what that was. This appears to be a fake documentary like that turd of a movie Borat, and was even less funny (assuming that is possible). I probably shouldn't even be writing this review as I turned it off after the first 20 minutes failed to get even a chuckle from anyone in the room. Everyone decided it would be much more entertaining to sit around staring at the blank wall and try to use our collective nonexistent psychic powers to will the producer of this film into having a brain hemorrhage. I'm sorry to say I think we failed, and this idiot is still free to develop more bullsh*t useless waste of time movies to inflict us all with. I can only hope everyone involved with this picture is involved in a train derailment in the near future that will at least put them all into irreversible comas (at the least). Hopefully the producers of this movie never make back the $123.00 they spent (estimate) producing this trash. This movie is total garbage, anyone who gave it more than one star is probably involved with the film in some way. I didn't even pay to see this movie and it wasn't worth finishing. If you have time to waste, do something else. Go play red rocket with the neighbor's dog or something.
Conjurer (2008)
Like watching a cockroach reproduce.
Halfway through I pulled the DVD out of the machine, stamped on it, ground it under my heel then lit it on fire. then it proceeded to get up and try to escape into a crack in the wall. I hit it hard with a hammer a couple of times then sprayed it with a can of raid. I'll be damned if the thing didn't make it into the wall anyway. Now I'm going to have to move out of my apartment, because I'm sure its in the wall laying eggs, and my apartment will soon be overrun with copies of this DVD. I'm wondering if I should warn my neighbors, or just soak the place with petrol when I leave and toss in a road flare. I'm afraid if I warn someone they might not abandon all their possessions and a copy or two might survive, eventually ruining all existence for everyone on the planet. Might be best to call in an air strike or nuke it from orbit just to be sure.
One-Eyed Monster (2008)
Worst movie EVER.
Once again reviews and ratings on IMDb cannot be trusted. I could make a better movie than this with a budget of $500 by taping a web camera to my dog's belly pointing backwards, and capturing his bowel movements. I am not exaggerating. Watching feces drop from a dog's anus would be about 20 times more entertaining than this load of cr@p was. Not funny at all, acting was atrocious, story went nowhere. 10 minutes into the film I was hoping a plane would crash into my house and end my suffering. The only usefulness this film could possibly have is to use it as a medium punish children who refuse to behave. After forcing them to watch ten minutes of this turd they would find religion, repent their sins, and join a monastery, probably taking oaths of silence, deafness, and blindness. This is Ron Jeremy's worst performance to date, and I'm pretty sure at some point before this, he played a dead body and loudly farted during the scene. If permanent blindness is your idea of a good time, by all means watch this brain cell killing abortion. Incurable foot fungus is more entertaining. I would rather die of scrofula than watch this "movie" again. I'm also fairly certain this "movie" gave me tapeworms. The only good thing about this film is I think it killed my liver fluke about 30 minutes in.
The Maze (2010)
Bwahahaha! A nine star review? Really?
Once again one of the actors from the film must be reviewing his own movie. I can guess which one. Why not a ten star review? Because it was so horrifically bad even the person trying to skew the numbers to try to sucker ANYONE into watching this trash couldn't even bring himself to give it ten stars. Add this to the list of low budget movies I couldn't even bring myself to finish watching. If the producers of this waste of time and money have any shame they will recall and burn every copy, send the ashes off into space, then issue a public apology for believing anyone would be so stupid as to actually want to watch this worthless piece of garbage. I could make a better movie utilizing my camera phone and a bunch of 5 year old children as cast AND crew. Premise is entirely unbelievable anyway, as anyone who has ever been into a corn maze knows all you have to do to get out is pick a direction and start walking. Its CORN for God's sake, not an adamantium force-field. Unfortunately people from Hollywood actually ARE this stupid, so they expect the general public to be as well. If you have any sense, you'll skip this worthless piece of trash. If you don't have any sense, skip it anyway. There are plenty of better things to do with your time, like stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork.
The Spy Next Door (2010)
Truly terrible waste of time.
Hands down the worst movie I've ever seen Jackie Chan in, and that's saying a lot. Basically we have a recycled version of The Pacifier that hits so far off the mark, someone in Africa probably got hit in the ass with it. REALLY? Do we REALLY need to see the same story redone so badly little kids actually ask their parents to leave the theater? This movie didn't hold the attention of anyone I watched it with. The kids got up and left the room, the wife decided it was time to clean the kitchen, and the family that was staying with us went for a walk. I rented this thing from the Redbox and all I can say is: I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK. If this review keeps even one person from sitting through this horrible waste of time movie I'll have done my good deed for the day. Do yourself a favor, instead of watching this abortion, go watch The Pacifier again. You'll be glad you missed this one. Jackie Chan should be hiding his head in shame over this thing. If I had the choice between watching this movie again, or contracting inoperable brain cancer I would choose the cancer. I wouldn't feed this movie to my mother-in-law's dog, and I hate that dog. This movie should be used to punish 5 year old children when they have killed their parents and burned down their house. 100,000 copies should be air dropped over Afghanistan to force the surrender of Al-Qaeda, because after watching this they won't have any enthusiasm left for anything. Most likely they would suicide bomb themselves. This movie is so bad, its not even humorous to watch as a "bad" movie. If you have nothing else to do in your life, and this is the only movie left in the world you haven't watched, just skip it and die already. I have a suspicion that if you watch this movie you will go to Hell by default.
Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (2009)
First sign of the apocalypse is is this horrible waste of time movie.
This movie will surely bring about the end of days. Obviously someone is skewing the vote on IMDb as no sane person would give this more than 2 stars. I couldn't bring myself to watch the whole thing as I was pretty sure it was giving me brain damage. I don't think I will ever be able to get another erection ever again. I am seriously thinking about suing the producers for making me sterile. I actually am on the verge of dropping a kidney stone just thinking about this movie. Go watch Spider-man instead as it is more historically relevant. I checked "Contains spoiler" because obviously the intent was to trick people into watching this worthless waste of time, and I'll surely be spoiling that for someone if they read this review. I don't understand how this work of obvious fiction is being pushed of as a documentary. This is worse than the slanted one sided garbage that the liberal douche Michael Moore tries to pass off as "fact". If you have nothing better to do than stare into the sun for a few hours, keep doing it as it would be preferable to watching this movie.
Sculpture (2009)
One a scale of 1-10 this is a -4.
The only reason I gave this one star is because I couldn't give a negative number. Absolutely awful. After the first thirty minutes blood was running from my eyes and ears. Only watch this if you are interested in a slow painful way to commit suicide. If you liked the "Saw" series you will hate this movie. If you hated the "Saw" series you will hate this movie. If you were indifferent to the "Saw" series you will hate this movie. This is the kind of movie they should show convicts on death row 24 hours a day. Watching two feral cats fight in your bedroom at 4 A.M. is more pleasant than watching this movie. Having your septic tank overflow inside your house on Thanksgiving day while all your relatives are visiting would be more enjoyable. Take my advice and skip this steaming turd.
Toy Story 3 (2010)
Worth watching for adults and children.
I was actually surprised that this movie had a compelling storyline complete with conflict and resolution. This was not the typical recycled Hollywood garbage incessantly thrown at our kids. Everyone in the theater seemed to be having a good enough time. Although I doubt I would want to watch it again, I was impressed that not every kids movie appears to have been written by throwing darts at a dart board with fart humor tossed in to get a cheap laugh. Kudos to the people at Pixar for being able to keep a kids attention for the entire film. When I saw the "3" attached to the title I was sure I was in trouble, as usually by episode 2 the writers are just coasting off the success of the first movie. I never saw Toy Story 2, Now I'm kind of wondering what I missed. I give it 2 thumbs up with a little twist to the side.
Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back (2010)
Lacks a story, so why did they make a movie?
Terrible attempt to make a buck at the expense of our kids. The plot was non-existent. This story wouldn't even hold the attention of a small child. I kept waiting for something to happen, but it never did. Recycled lowbrow attempts at humor typical of what Hollywood thinks our kids need. Turn on the TV and watch re-runs of "The Flintstones" instead, or better yet, take them to the park. This DVD is only suitable for target practice. I wonder how much money was wasted on this thing that could have went to feeding starving orphans. I give it 12 thumbs down. This movie is a canker sore on the lip of humanity. I would rather have genital warts than watch this thing again. The kids actually got up and left before it was halfway through and went to do their homework. Pass on this unless you think gastrointestinal distress is a screaming good time. Forget it, pass on it even then. You have been warned.