lost1-1 Reviews

Date with a Kidnapper (1976)

Good if not too long

[7 November 2003]

John Canon and Leslie Rivers...what a pair! These two unsung decent actors had surprisingly convincing chemistry between them. They both made this movie that much more tolerable as did the excellent cinematography and the well conveyed moody atmosphere. The story is well-tread and predictable and the incidents too few for the movie's timeframe. As a result, we have a movie that drags on with its poigniant moments of developing love between kidnapper and abductee fizzling to an ignorable drone. What's remarkable is how society in this picture is portrayed as uncaring and ugly: an old man sits on a bench looking on as blood curdling shrieks emit from the window of the hotel where Leslie River's character is being raped. Other incidents of violence occure while passers-by either go about their own business or wish not to be disturbed. At one point, while running from her abductor, Rivers pleads with a wandering man for help but he can't do anything as he is blind. The surroundings being filled with useless or evil people creates a feeling of helplessness. Finally, the picture ends as it does (I wont spoil) and mercifully so as it tends to go on a bit too long and instead of "THE END" we see "FOR ADOLPH". What the hell does that mean? Hitler? Probably not, but still, one of those mysteries that makes a movie that much more special.

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

MEGA-GORICALLY SUPER DUPER WITH EXTRA CHEESE!!!

[3 November 2003]

This is the afternoon movie. There is no other afternoon movie. You can see it on TV with all of Rick Baker's fine work reined in by the selfish censors that want to keep the nasty bits for themselves, or you can rent it from a non-Blockbuster video outlet and enjoy it as it was meant to be seen. Either way it's dopey fun to watch a 6-foot-6 pile of melting humanoid goo run around and mutilate people. Check it out: it begins with Steve-the-astronaut floating around Saturn with 2 other guys in a space capsule roughly the size of a Honda civic. Imagine being trapped from Earth to Saturn with 2 other guys in a Honda civic! Anyhow, enduring such an excrutiating travel condition for such a long haul evidently impaired Steve-the-astronaut's acting ability. He turns some grotesquely large black knobs on what was once a ham radio, peers out the window and tells mission control "You've never seen anything...until you've seen the sun through the rings of Saturn..." The lack of enthusiasm in his tone is something that resonates in my head to this day. Suddenly the crew is hit by a wave of bad visual effects. Steve spits up blood and the next scene he's already back home in a hospital. Classic! Covered from head to toe in bandages, Steve convelesces in a grave state while the doctor comments that the rest of the crew has died. After he's left alone with his rather rotund nurse, Steve- now the Incredible Melting Man,- suddenly attacks and chases the nurse out of the room and into a slow motion screaming run for her life down a large hallway. We see the gurth and breasts of this woman bounce in their altered action as she approaches the camera in a shot of UDDER horror. Suddenly she bursts through a glass door and falls into the parking lot where a shadow looms over her. EEEEEEK! - cut to next scene- then later we see her form ala Rick Baker on the autopsy table, an effect that is actually shocking in its realism and missed in the edited versions. For the rest of the movie, the IMM is on a rampage, killing and eating victims all about the local area. A military guy and Steve's old buddy try to keep the situation hush-hush as they run around not finding him. The plot holes in this movie are so immense that they should be preserved as a national monument! The acting is so bad that the people involved in this movie should be quarantined to keep real actors from catching what they have! But the effects are wonderful and this movie is pure fun! Don't miss this one!

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

SICK DISGUSTING FILTH!!!

[28 October 2003]

Of all films ever made this is the lowest, most depraved attempt...nay- ACT OF LUNACY ever mistaken for distributable motion picture. It is offensive to all people on all levels and in all possible manners purely WRONG! Whoever would consider that it would be entertaining to see a native woman skewered through on a wooden stake or see a foetus torn from a woman's stomache or the numerous animals that were actually killed for the movie should be committed for life or executed. Why they would think somebody might enjoy seeing a close-up of a castration or a hut full of people burned alive or numerous people blugeoned throughout the movie is beyond me. The low-lifes that made this film are without any moral fiber whatsoever. So don't miss this one! It's a classic!!! 5 out of 5 stars!

Blood Freak (1972)

CULT defined

[24 October 2003]

I get so emotional whenever I attempt to write a review about "Blood Freak". The last review I wrote was not accepted by IMDB as I got too out of line and my review degenerated into uncontrolled bantering. Just know that my love for this movie cannot be contained in mere words. "Blood Freak" is a must see by all. The movie itself is indeed a FREAK of nature. You'll never see a movie quite like it unless it's contrived and purposely-made camp. This film is as out-of-control as a serious filmmaker could get and still be trying to make an honest-to-God film with a real message. Never have I seen a pro-Jesus-anti-drug-murder-turkey-mutant-vampire movie. Brad Gritner and Steven Hawkes have succeeded in going beyond laughing-stock into a realm of unparrelled cult statis that which few will ever attain. I wont spoil one minute of this movie for you by recounting any of it, just know that it's impossible to find any movie more deserved of the cult genre than this one. Take the plunge and see this movie!!! You wont regret it!

Eegah (1962)

Goof Meter Overload

[23 October 2003]

This movie is an anthropological curiosity about an anthropological curiosity. Dug up from a time when it would seem like a good idea to produce a caveman/horror/comedy/musical, "Eegah" today leaves viewers astounded by the shear freakish nature of the film itself. Richard Kiel stars as Eegah the caveman whom for millinea had survived in a cave with his mummified relatives in the hills near a desert town. For some reason he didn't choose to emerge from the desolate perimeters of his home until 1962. The hapless female played by Marilyn Manning almost runs him down one night while driving home. After she screeches to a halt she faints at the sight of the collosal Eegah donning furs and swinging a plastic club. When she awakes she tells her boyfriend played by the esteemed Arch Hall Jr., all about the "giant" she saw. Eventually Eegah kidnapps Marilyn's Dad (played by Arch Hall Sr). Arch and Marilyn go into the hills in a dune buggy to find him. After the ensuing incidents they all escape an angry Eegah who then follows them on foot back to town where the real fun begins. Arch Hall Jr. is the ham of all hams in this one, singing badly these love songs devoted to different girls his character had supposedly been involved with. His voice is that of a fifteen year old kid who hasn't completely developed the manly timbre and squeaks out emotive ballads like the low-point of any high school talent show. The goof-meter on this film is to overload as scene after scene actors act badly, Richard Kiel tweeks his face in reaction to whatever is taking place while an out of sync voice over grunts "RRRRRRR....SHTEMLO...EEGAH...." The lighting in the interior scenes look like a home movie from days of yore and the props are straight out of an arts and crafts store. Overall, I can't say "Eegah" is one of the worst films ever made as it's never really painful and too much fun to watch. The films that vie for that title cause the viewer excrutiating agony and are made by those who have no apparent intent on entertaining anyone(i.e. "Robot Monster", "Flesh Feast", "House of 1000 Corpses"). I recommend "Eegah" as a cult classic and a fun party movie.

The Sadist (1963)

one of those rare surprises in life

[21 October 2003]

Arch Hall Jr. is the coolest of all 60's icons. Had he not the benefit of nepitism he'd probably have given up acting years earlier and become the accompished airline pilot he is today. However, whether encouraged by his father, well-meaning friends, or misguided self-confidence he seemed to feel the need to press on toward a career in cinema. His pudgy face, beady eyes, and bulky frame made him an awkward leading man and the adolescent timber of his squeaky voice didn't help any either... Then there's "THE SADIST". I rented this movie wanting to see Arch in his typical lackluster form, fumbling along through his miscast role in some B-Grade atrocity like a bull in a thrift shop. Instead, not only was the movie very good, but Arch Hall Jr. shocked the living hell out of me! He not only played the part of the antagonistic sadist so that it would effectively terrify the viewer, he played it WELL! Arch Hall Jr. was acting and doing a very good job at it! Filmed in black and white, "The Sadist" takes place in a junkyard and occures over the course of about 85 minutes or so (other comments on this page describe it as "real time"). Three school teachers break down on their way to a ball game and pull off the main highway to get assistance at the junkyard by whoever runs the place. They eventually find that Arch's character...is it "Charlie Tibbs???" ... is inhabiting the grounds with his nutso girlfriend and that they, with the help of a .45 and their cold, cold hearts don't intend to let them leave. The cinematography is great and the acting is done well by all but it's Arch that really shines in this one. This really is his only good movie but the rest are so horrible, they're golden.

Slugs (1988)

a most unsettling feature

[13 October 2003]

****CONTAINS SPOILERS****---->>"Slugs" was a film that really moved me. It was a punch in the face that suddenly woke the part of my psyche that enjoyed pain. There was such gore, such blood, such human suffering and I found myself loving it. The scene in the restaurant where the man having a salad infested with blood-flukes and is suddenly attacked from within, his innerts shooting sky-high out of his body to the horror of the screaming patrons was just golden. And the scene where the investigators discover the partially skeletonized body had a charm to it knowing that it was slugs that had slowly killed this man, reducing him to a cherry-red meat-puppet with naked eyeballs. But the best scene of all was when the naughty couple looked down from the bed upon which they were having un-Christian relations to discover the floor of the bedroom covered in deadly slugs! The girl falls haplessly into certain death and screams as the gastropods devour her flesh, her partially eaten self begging the terrified boyfriend for help until he finally falls into the same fate. By that time, this movie had corrupted me to the point where I had to keep rewinding that scene over and over. And I love how they finally kill all of the slugs at the very end, but I wont ruin it for you. I would like to leave the opportunity open for the reader to be as corrupted as I was by "SLUGS"

Gag Factor 12 (2003 Video)

Romantic Cinema at its Finest

[5 October 2003]

It truly is a travesty that this picture was released direct-to-video and not given the top billing it deserved. Never was a heart so stirred with emotion as each couple joined together with their unique expression for eachothers' affection. From the opening scene until the very end this production demonstrates that chivalry still lives in the heart of men. This is definitely a movie you'll want to watch together with your date, fellahs! I'm talking instant score!!!

Nightstalker (2002)

how about "NIGHT SLUMBER"

[24 August 2003]

Contains Spoiler The box at the video store shows the actor from an angle that almost looks like Richard Ramirez. The tagline reads "IN THE SUMMER OF 1985 A SERIAL KILLER TERRORIZED LOS ANGELES. THEY CALLED HIM THE NIGHTSTALKER. THIS IS HIS STORY.".... no...it isn't. This movie is about a fictitious hispanic woman who has no business being a police officer running around and screwing up evidence. I would have to say that if this film was competently made that the intent of the work is to make hispanics look stupid, corrupt, and unreliable. But it wasn't competently made, it was slapped together with poor attempts to try to visually express the killer's state of mind: they speed up the film and show the nightstalker's head vibrating back and forth so that we know he's a total psycho. Then, they show some silly naked demon that looks more like the guy from "Powder" with sharp teeth jumping around and yelling distorted schizophrenic soundbytes at him. Later in the film, other characters like the police officers and the reporter all do the crazy head vibration thing after they use drugs or take a drink of whiskey. Are they now psychos too? Or does the filmmaker just like to do they head vibration thing because the movie has the pace of a slug? Pick B: this movie is soooo slow, and it shouldn't be. There's enough material in the real Nightstalker story to make an interesting movie. Instead, we see this pointlessly made-up piece of garbage. I've been following the serial killer movies that have been coming out recently as I was impressed by "Dahmer" and its different approach to the real story. Then "Ted Bundy" which is by far the best yet. "Gacy" was a disappointment. I gave "Speck" such a comdemning review that the good people at IMDB hasten to post it (worthless!!!). And now this "Nightstalker" let down. Gimme some money, producer man, before they screw up the story of Carl Panzram!!! I waited for the end to see the part where the citizens of downtown L.A. discover, chase down, and then kick the crud out of the nightstalker, but I was let down again by the blatent lie that was the final insult in this movie. The movie ends like it dragged-on in true, lackluster network cop show fashion with the hispanic cop holding him at gunpoint until he's arrested. You think I spoiled it for you? No. I just saved you from waiting 97 minutes to see that foolishness. To the filmmakers: if you're going to be creative, at least stick to the actual story or change the movie's name so that people aren't misled. Gracias.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Cinematic CA-CAAAAAAA!!!!

[2 July 2003]

I wanted to like this movie. Judging from the comments made, others felt the same way. I like Rob Zombie and what he's all about and was hoping to see a campy tribute to all the classic horror flicks from the 60's and 70's which is basically what his music is doing. Instead "HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES" was such pain, such awfully boring, lagging, dead-weight, zero-loser trash!!! Rob, you bit the ding-dong on this f'd up waste of time. It was a tribute to nothing! Rob, were you high when you made this flick or what? Who cares if there's extra gore in the NC17 version! It's perfume on a pig! I want to kick Rob Zombie's ass after watching this useless, dragging, bloated corpse of a film. Putting a roll of used Charmin through the projector would garner higher merit than all of the effort or lack-there-of put out to make "HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

TOM GREEN GIVES HOLLYWOOD THE FINGER!

[1 July 2003]

I was depressed about a girl. I came home and laid down on the couch. It was one of those really bad depressions where you could chop my foot off and I'd just sit there and stare at my new stump. Then my roommate brought home "Freddy Got Fingered". I laughed so hard I wet my pants. That movie was so absurd, so silly--- nay- so INTENTIONALLY STUPID that I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I can't believe it got made. I'm glad it did though as Tom Green is a comedic artist. I'm certain Green pulled this movie off with the intention of being the biggest fool, the most obnoxious embarassment to Hollywood that he could be. This is the punk rock of comedies. Tom Green rules!!!

Over the Edge (1979)

the ULTIMATE teen rebellion film

[18 June 2003]

This movie will never be topped as a teen rebellion flick. "Kids" was the more modern version of it but like kids these days, they just aren't as cool as they were in the 70's. As a kid growing up in Southern California I took this film to heart. Watching developements spring up all over the hills and suburban sprawl infect every crevace of landscape over the years made my hometown seem more and more alien. This movie about the newly formed community of El Granada in the middle of nowhere and the youth of this area having no place in it made the statement. And what really did it for me was that it was based on a true story. One of the first scenes in "Over the Edge" has the two prankster kids peering over a freeway overpass, one of them aiming a pellet rifle at the traffic passing beneath. He chooses out of all targets the local sherriff's car and pops a hole in his windshield, causing the porker to verve out of control and almost crash. The two kids scream in psychotic delight and peddle off on their dirtbikes to "Hello There" by Cheap Trick. The cop chases them to no avail and busts instead Carl and Richie who are just walking down the street. Carl is the main protagonist of the movie and Richie is his rebellious, devil-may-care friend played by Matt Dillon in his first role. The plot centers around how people like the sleazy realtor, Carl's dad the car salesman, and other careless adults that neglect the responsibility of their children for the almighty dollar. The kids of the community are all loosley dressed, bell bottomed, long-haired denim-wearing cut-outs from a Kiss or Lynnyrd Skynnyrd concert that hang out at the rec-center run by an older hippy-chick. All they wanna do is get high and have fun but they can't because the only thing to do is hang out at the rec-center playing fooz-ball and get harrassed by the cops. After many crazy situations and drug induced antics the kids finally have enough of being pushed around and neglected. What happens then is just classic,classic,classic!!! One thing that made this movie unique and probably why it was supressed was the way it made drug use among teens seem free of any bad consequence. Kids guzzle booze, smoke weed, fry on acid, and do other naughty things and don't die horrible deaths as a result, just like, um,... what's that movie... reality? See this movie if you like teen rebellion films!

Shock! Shock! Shock! (1987)

UNDERRATED HILARIOUS SALUTE TO B-MOVIES

[17 June 2003]

"Shock!Shock!Shock!" is an excellent, intentionally cheap science fiction horror comedy. I'm a man who loves his B movies, and Todd Rutt and Arn McConnel evidently do as well. This black and white thriller was filmed on what looks like super 8 with sound recorded afterward right there in the editing room. The acting is purposly emotive as are the special effects purposly bad and the plot twists purposly out to lunch. The filmmakers went out of their way to make this one stink with punky style. Never boring, the movie opens with a kid playing with blocks on the floor framed by the legs of his parents standing over him kissing and talking about how wonderful life is. The kid gets mad, knocks over his blocks and toddles off screen. The parents laugh at the little guy and go on to muse about how perfect life is when all of a sudden they're attacked! We see a close-up of a stabbing knife, a close up of a woman's screaming mouth, buckets of black blood falling all over with lunks of spam in it, and then we fade into an overview of the little toddler holding the same blood-drenched knife that is almost as big as he is. I wont spoil anymore of it for you, but the plot gets even more ridiculous and unpredictable. "Shock!Shock!Shock!" has been one of my favorites for years now, friends I haven't seen for years still ask me about it: "What was that one totally whacked out movie...where do I find it?" It's available on VHS last I saw, and often found in the cult section of major video stores. Give it a look!

Three on a Meathook (1972)

RAW, like freshly butchered piece of quivering MEAT!!!

[15 June 2003]

What makes "Three on a Meathook" a balls-out real horror film? It's the fact that it looks like a home movie a serial killer would make. It looks like, after finding a 16mm camera in one of his victim's houses, some serial killer got a few of his demented buddy's together, put some ad in the paper for cheap talent, and tried to make a movie. In one of the earliest scenes where the father is berating the son you can see that, although the actors keep screwing up their lines they kept filming and left it in the final print. The grainy stock of the film, the inventive although cheap special effects, and the down-trodden feel of this picture really put you into the subconscious pocket of something brewing in a crude psychopath's mind. Scene after scene is dragged out mercilessly as the filmmakers try to fill the legal feature-length time. One scene has the son sitting in a bar watching the band AMERICAN XPRESS play through two lackluster 70's contemporary tunes. This had me wondering what ever happened to American Xpress, the band featured in some serial killer's home movie "Three on a Meathook"? I wont spoil the end for you, but I will say that you do not watch this movie with the expectation of being entertained: you watch it to experience something a blood-letter would dream.

Terror Squad (1987)

SILLY, FAKE, but FUN

[14 June 2003]

I bought this movie because I wanted to see Ken Foree in another movie other than "Dawn of the Dead". What I discovered was pure hilarity! There are so many flaws in this film that it's impossible to recall them all. The movie opens in what's supposed to be Libya with a small, concentrated crowd of 20 arab stereotypes gathered in front of a podium holding up signs that read "DEATH TO THE GREAT SATAN" and "DOWN WITH AMERICA" as if that's what Libyans do all day is walk around with signs like that. You get the gist that they're sending over some terrorists to mess up the USA because that's what Libyans do according to this film. Then we're greeted to the teenage stereotypes that were a child's rendering of the "Breakfast Club" crowd in anytown,USA. The jock walks the halls in a letterman jacket holding a football, the geek is obsessed with sex and walks around with electronic implements, the cheerleadrer is aloof and too-good, but best of all is the rebel that hangs out with Sam, the old black janitor in the boiler room where they jam on their electric guitars (the rebel walks the hall with his guitar, of course). Then the terrorists begin their killing spree, packing themselves into a car and cruising around shooting people. They attack a nuclear power plant and liberally use a rocket launcher in doing so, blasting the chain off the lock of the gate and then blasting the gaurd tower without having to reload it. The gaurds at the plant are spraying the car with bullets at close range but somehow seem to miss. And it gets more fake as the plot goes on. I wont go into it. The part my roommate and I had to keep rewinding over and over was when ol' Sam the janitor haplessly wanders into the detention hall playing his harmonica and is immediatly shot by the spooked terrorists. It was just so silly. The whole movie was silly. And well worth watching if you're in for a good laugh. And don't forget to keep your eyes peeled for the magic bus scene!!!

The Pit (1981)

all I'm trying to say is: GIVE "PIT" A CHANCE!

[14 June 2003]

"The Pit" was an original movie. It wasn't the best acted, most spectacularly directed, convincingly real films ever made, but for a cult film it hits every coffin-nail on the head! What a funny flick! The little boy of whom the film's plot centers around is so dopey and his babysitter is such a ham that the chemistry between them makes a beautiful toxic glow of exquisite badness. The plot was totally whacked out: disturbed boy whose teddy bear talks to him gets insane ideas from the toy of what to do with trog-monsters in some pit in the forest. The trog's tend to immediatly rend whoever falls down the pit into meaty ribbons. You see this poor reject of a kid mistreated, misunderstood, and messed with until he finally gets revenge on all of the jerky people he had to put up with. The whole movie is a laugh-riot! I don't understand why when people review this movie they do so as if they'd taken it so seriously. It's a goofy B movie yet so strangely original. It has that 70's after-school special feel yet it's so violent and sexually perverse. This movie took elements to a place where they weren't allowed like bringing a dirty magazine to school in 3rd grade. Give it a chance and a grain of salt.

Dogs of Hell (1983)

It's kind of a fun movie...

[9 June 2003]

yup... it's kind of fun to watch "Dogs of Hell" if you like to watch movies that were originally intended to be in 3D and pretend to be wow-ed by the scenes where they intend to shoot, throw, or point things out at you. Originally released as "Rottweiler" in 1982, you can see how the entire movie is relying on the fact that at some point they're gonna throw something towards the camera. As I watched it I thought after the first hour that I'd rented a movie called "Mystery Dog" because you never actually saw what was attacking these 80's act-bots (so amazing how they could manage to have such 2-dimensional actors in a 3D movie). And the dogs you eventually see look like your neighbor's dogs do when the kids tease it...hardly a fright. But it wasn't as though the film were a real disappointment as I hadn't expected much. The highlight of the movie for me was when the sherriff would shoot the dogs with his big ol' 44. You'd see the picture cut away from a snarling rottweiler to a cheap, paper machete casting of a rottweiler's head that would then explode throwing bologna, chocolate milk, stale beer and whatever else they decided would look like dog brains all over the place. Yup. "Dogs of Hell" was a moderately humorous way to neglect quality time and a gem if you're into watching obscure movies that don't diserve to be remembered just because you know they wont be.