ecanarensis Reviews

Teeth (I) (2007)

don't watch the movie, just get a singer from it

[2/10 · 9 April 2018]

I had absolutely no idea what this movie was going to be...a friend rented it & just popped it in. I'm pretty sure that for most of the movie, I looked just like the audience in "The Producers" right when the cast starts singing "Springtime for Hitler." It was like watching a train wreck. And not a real well done train wreck.

The acting was pathetic, tho it fit well with the script. One really awful scene comes when the girl goes to her first ob/gyn appointment...it does not go well. The doc ends up wallowing on the floor, blood spurting from the stumps of his bitten-off fingers, wailing "Vagina dentata!" over & over & over (Latin basically for "vagina with teeth). The characters are despicable, but at least they have a lousy script.

However, I am actually glad that I was too stunned to lurch off the couch & rip the thing out of the player; I was still sitting there clutching my head when the final credits started...and thus got introduced to the music of Chuck Prophet. The song over the final creds is "You Did (Who put the bomp in bomp shooby dooby bomp)"...don't hate it because of the title.

So do yourself a favor; skip the flick & catch some Chuck Prophet.

Shetland (2013– )

terrific show

[9/10 · 26 August 2017]

This is a wonderful series ...I'm watching S1 & S2 again for the 2nd time in less than a month. The writing is great, so is the acting, the characters are3-D & interesting, not from stock. The stories do share some sameness...there's a murder (maybe 2) in a small, place that's fairly isolated, in one part or other of the Shetland Isles. There's several potential suspects. The stories & mysteries are the kind that seem like what could happen in any small town, village, or big city, for that matter; the types of things that happen to real people, as opposed to dramatic, wild, over-the-top happenin's. Not as cozy as a drawing room mystery, but easy to relate to.

Which is not to say they're boring. I really grew to care about the characters, & when bad thing(s) happened to one (or more)* of the regulars, it really moved me.

The islands play a big part in the series; as at least one other reviewer observed, the land & sea are pretty much main characters as well as the people. Beautifully filmed in a gorgeous (if minimalist) land, the scenery makes me want to go there to get in touch with my own Scottish roots.

Lovely series; I hope the Beeb has more sense than most of US TV decision-makers & keeps it up (this show wouldn't have lasted a full season on a US channel...too intelligent & classy).

It occurred to me mid-way thru the second run thru that part of what I like about the characters is that the actors look like real people, rather than the plastic Barbie/Ken people that we get on US TV shows; older characters may have belly bulges or wrinkles. Most look as if they've never been near a Botox needle. There's very attractive people, and some very unattractive people. Realistic people. What a concept!

Though, one silly nit-pick: why does the GP who does the forensic work for the Shetland police always shake down her electronic thermometer?

*trying not to intro any spoilers

Prometheus (I) (2012)

Another Idiot Plot...sad addition to the Alien universe

[3/10 · 24 August 2017]

I'm not going to bother going through all the instances of scientific idiocy; many, many reviewers have already done an excellent job of pointing them out. And lord knows there were a lot of them.

Many reviewers also point out, in various spirited ways, that the characters are dumber than rocks, but I'm going to chime in on this point: Can no script writer manage to create a plot that doesn't depend almost entirely on characters doing moronic things? It's a good thing I didn't indulge in as many face palms as I was inclined to, or I would've ended up with brain damage and now be as dumb as the pea brains in this movie.

One question I didn't see in the 15 or so reviews I read: did anyone else get tired of hearing the first 9 notes of the Star Trek theme --over & over & over, & many more overs, throughout the movie? ? Did they put it in as a subliminal (actually, overt) attempt to get trekkies to love-love-love this turkey?

We get a ship of white folks with 1 token black guy, 1 token Oriental; I kept wondering if the captain (the black guy) would be the first one killed. And why the heck did they have Idris Elba do a ghett-toe accent, when most everybody else has accents from the British Isles (where he's from)??

Points to ponder: -Why does an android need (or want) to bleach his hair? And David even says at one point that he doesn't understand what it means to"want." But he apparently "wants" to become a blonde. If it was meant as a sideways sort of nod to Jamie Lee Curtis' hilarious mustache bleaching in "A Fish Called Wanda," it missed. -a space age med pod that's sex-limited (i.e. would treat only men)?? -"Smells fine to me" is not exactly a reliable way to determine alien air safety. -shouldn't space weapons be more advanced than flame throwers, BB pistols (apparently; they weren't any more effective than BBs), & a pickaxe?

Sooooo glad I got this at the library & didn't pay any money for it!

Almost Human (2013–2014)

Outstanding series, too intelligent to make it

[9/10 · 20 August 2017]

I loved this series. It's too bad it got canceled after 13 episodes...but not surprising. It's too smart, with good acting, great (not cardboard) characters, nice SF elements, good writing. Not a cheapo "reality"trash-fest, so of course the network had to cancel it...not drecky enough. (Of course, the eye candy of Karl Urban, Micheal Ealy doesn't hurt). The terrific Lili Taylor is great as the police captain.

Scavengers (2013)

*sigh*

[24 November 2015]

The best thing I can say about this movie is that it's better than "Dark Metropolis." This is not saying much, to say the least; I turned it off after 10 minutes, if that...I would rather have slashed my wrists than watched that whole thing. I figured this had to be better. It almost was. Maybe. A bit.

I had a very bad feeling when in the first 90 seconds, we see an outer space battle & hear deep booming sounds each time one of the ships explodes & the rattatatat of space machine guns(!)...I don't expect movie makers to be physicists, but did they think that it's only screams that you can't hear in space? It's a VACUUM dummies; there is no sound transmission.

Kickin' special effects: -ship design by Edward Scissorhands. -"Hey gang, let's glue a bunch of keyboards & random crap to the walls & spraypaint 'em dark grey, it'll look keen!"

Capt Jekel talks as if his tongue was shot full of novocaine, but is VERY intense (whatever he's saying). He acts like William Shatner channeling Brad Pitt in "12 Monkeys" (who i always thought was silly). He also sounds constipated.

omg obligaroty shower scene walks around covered with blood for hours

Klassic Kuotes: "traitorous vixen"??? "your hate for him runs seductively deep"????? "there isn't a man i can't kill with the promise of a simple kiss."

costume had a lot of leg warmers left over, so they used them...as wrist warmers space chick with sexy blasters on her thigh

Dark Metropolis (2010)

hits new levels of awfulness; for heaven's sake, don't waste your time

[1/10 · 20 November 2015]

Wow. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that I didn't pay anything to watch it. Just...wow. one of the great tragedies of all time is that Roger Ebert apparently didn't review it before he died; he could supply redemption to truly loathsome films with his slicing wit.

I wish I could come up with something devastatingly witty to say about this movie, but words nearly fail me. It must've had a strong sponsorship from some kohl manufacturer; the actors & actresses all look as if someone passed out pairs of binoculars with the eyepieces heavily slathered with black paint.

The acting is beyond bad, hitting new depths of atrociousness; wooden & ludicrous. Of course, the script is abominable so it's not as if they had anything to work with. It makes no sense. It cuts randomly from scene to scene, with no rhyme or reason.

This is one of those movies that's so bad that not even the geniuses at MST3K could've made watching it worthwhile, even at their very best.

To paraphrase Monty Python, this is not a movie for watching: this is a movie for laying down & avoiding.

You Kill Me (2007)

a little different, very funny

[9/10 · 23 August 2013]

I find it somewhat stunning that this was advertised as a thriller...if it was, the ad folks oughta get a visit from a hit man. I was extremely hesitant about seeing it, as I've had somewhat excessive exposure to alcoholics...I had a very hard time imagining a movie about one as being very funny. The humor got wrung out of that subject a very long time ago for me. But, oddly enough, someone at AA recommended it to a friend, & there we were. Turned out to be pretty funny. Here's a surprise; Kingsley is great. I tend to think of Tea Leoni as sort of a lightweight generic Hollywood blond, but was favorably impressed with her; I thought she played well off of Kingsley's very low key, understated performance. I'm rather surprised at how many other reviewers commented on being surprised at the age difference between her & Kingsley...this is unexpected in Hollywood?! There's been so many "February-December" (forget May-December) romances in movies it's well beyond cliché & arrived at business as usual. The first meeting where Frank talks is a pretty priceless scene...you just know nobody's going to forget that particular evening. I thought it worked really well as a very funny, deftly dark comedy that dealt with some grim topics with just the right touch.