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Spike of Love (1994)
Welcome to the freak show!
What do you get when a dominatrix, a psychotic killer, his Christian fundamentalist henchman and a kidnapped businessman spend the evening in their apartment together? One crazy movie. Spike of Love is deranged and retarded, but in a good way. This is the review for the VHS you will never find and the movie you will always want. The weird and wonderful world of some crazy Canadians coming to your brain live, from the either. This is Spike of Love.
When Donny and his brother Glen come home from chopping a guys head off over a parking space and find his girlfriend Jane raping a businessman things start to get weird. When they find out they have a few hours left before a gang leader comes to claim their lives, things get even weirder in this dark, dark comedy of horror.
From the creative mind of Steve DiMarco comes a journey into the wonderful world of a psychotic house of killers. We watch as these four run around the house arguing, fu--ing and causing general mayhem at the expense of each other. Glen is a hard core Christian who has sent away to become a pope. He calls blasphemy at every turn and is more than happy to chop up a body with his meat cleaver. Donny is an over all psychopath and metal head with a cartoon voice and a huge mouth. Lastly, Jane is a bored dominatrix who constantly changes into different outfits and harasses everyone in a five-mile radius. Welcome to the madhouse! The film consists mostly of these three along with some reoccurring characters like the businessman, the mother and some gang leaders fighting over who to kill and how to do it.
Surprisingly enough it's funny and well filmed. Although at times it might move a little slow, you never really know what's around the next corner and the adventure is something new every time. Donny, played by Tony Munch, really holds the film together. With his hilarious voice and happy go lucky psycho demeanor he keeps even the darkest moments fun. Although the film does not have as much gore as you'd expect (almost none) the movie is fun and well worth tracking down. This would be a great addition to a pizza and beer night any day of the week!
Computer Beach Party (1987)
Unless you hate your life, skip it
One of my biggest pet peeves with movie lovers is when someone talks about a bad movie and says "that's got to be the worst movie ever made" because they have no fu--ing clue what they are talking about. I'm not saying Computer Beach Party is the worst movie ever made but I'm betting it makes the top 100. This movie will suck out your soul and s--t on it. This movie is so bad that from now on I am going to refer to it as Computer Beach S--tmovie. Do not watch this movie, in fact just stop reading this review. Please! Masochist huh? Well OK, but don't say I didn't warn you.
When Andy and Dennis find a gold coin they stumble upon a hunt for a buried treasure. Unfortunately the people hunting are planning on buying the now public beach and kicking everyone off. Andy and Dennis must rely on there computer beach skills to win a para sailing type race to stop the greedy locals from taking over! The first thing you'll notice when watching Computer Beach S--tmovie is every person is over dubbed and dubbed HORRIBLY. None of the voices match the people and at times it isn't even the same actor dubbing. Next you'll notice the killer of this "film": pacing. Every scene seems to have this strange pause, or moment where all the actors just kinda look at each other. I'm assuming this is because no one actually wrote a script and the actors are all making s--t up on the spot. Most of the things that happen in the film aren't funny and are totally meaningless. This film is so bad three naked girls didn't even help.
And in the end there is no buried treasure in Computer Beach Sh--movie, in fact their beach computers don't even end up helping anyone and one of the biggest dramatic scenes in the film isn't even shown (a message to the audience says it's "too violent"). It feels like all the people making the movie didn't speak English and I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. I hope these people lost a lot of f--king money making this movie. I hope it made them homeless, no f--k that I hope someone died trying to make this sh--ty movie. Seriously. It's garbage. And next time someone tries to tell you Troll 2 is the worst movie ever made shove over your sh--ty copy of Computer Beach S--tmovie and tell them to watch and learn.
Rock Shows 3 Boobies 3 Astronauts 1
Plankton (1994)
Then the fish sex ensues...
Italian 80's horror movies always feel like sketchy territory. The actors are always too shiny, everything is lit like a porno and the Italians in the 80's couldn't act. Well, at least not the ones in this movie. Plankton starts off as a typical s--tty Italian horror movie but seems to make all the right choices. Out of nowhere you go from bored to enthralled. To this day I've never seen another film with homosexual fish sex. I think Plankton is the first.
Four teenagers decide it's a good idea to get into a motorboat and ride into the sunset (and into the middle of the ocean). Predictably they get lost and run out of gas. Soon they are lamely paddling their way through a stormy dark night, crying in the rain. On the verge of death they randomly bump into a huge metal ship floating in the middle of nowhere. Desperate, they climb aboard to seek shelter. They soon find that the ship is half laboratory and half 80's Italian bachelor pad complete with a stocked bar and sexy neon lights. They also find that the ship is strangely empty.
The film moves on with stumbling acting, horrible lighting and a basic disinterest in creating a well made film. There are strange unexplained things like a cartoon fish on the wall with a little girls voice that screams at everyone and a robot shower that wants to have sex with you and screams, "USE YOUR FINGERS!" over and over again. One of the more funny moments of the film happens early on when, as the girls are changing, one girl holds her boobies up to the camera and declares, "I think I need a new bra!" Then things start to get strange. They start hearing strange noises, one teenager will flip out and start screaming and crying and the next minute they will be fine again. The main character, Mike, starts snooping around and finds out that the ship was researching prehistoric piranha for a few years. The piranha are gay fish with unusually large genitals. For real. He actually says this out loud! Now here's the kicker: The scientists are all gay too and they have been fu--ing the fish for years! Apparently gay sex leads to mutations because all the scientists have either turned into huge gay fish or have been eaten by huge gay fish. Slowly the teenagers each fall to similar fates.
In the world of bizarre 80's Italian horror films this is right up their with Nightmare Beach and um
. I guess those are the only two I know. So it's definitely in the top 10! But for director Massimiliano Cerchi this is old news. He went on to direct such classics as Satan Claus, Brainmaster, The Mummy Theme Park and Carnage Road. His IMDb page is so impressive Face Melting Films is thinking about building a guide for the guy. Plankton is something that has to be seen to be believed and even though I've seen it I still don't believe it!
Mais ne nous délivrez pas du mal (1971)
Truly original satanic film.
Sometimes a movie comes by and smacks you in face so hard you're view of film and your reasons for loving film change completely. Don't Deliver Us From Evil made me feel how I felt when I first watched Clockwork Orange or The Shinning. So much power and beauty delivered in the most perfect way it stops your heart.
DDUFE is not beautiful in the traditional way Kubric films or Wes Anderson films are beautiful. It is not a beauty based on a sill photo but based on the moving picture. The vision of bodies moving through space. Really what movies should be about. This is extremely hard to achieve in my opinion as I have only seen a few movies that truly accomplish it. To me DDUFE is the ultimate perfection of this. Warning though this is truly "only a movie for the open minded!" Two best friends in catholic school, Lore and Anne, have dedicated their lives to Satan. They spend the summer reading dirty books, killing small animals, seducing the gardener and setting fires. They marry under the name of Satan and steal church artifacts for Satanic rituals. This escalates further and further to an ending that will leave your jaw on the floor.
It's a very simple concept that is executed with an artists hand and a beautiful classical score that will make you want to kill kittens.
This movie is dedicated to the depraved. It promotes violence, sex, and Satan in an extremely compelling way. It is the ultimate peer pressure for little girls to behave badly. The movie itself is so dark and morbid and beautiful it feels as if it was sent from hell.
To truly enjoy this movie you must love depravity. To truly enjoy this movie you must cherish violence and savor death. To love this movie you have to be ready to witness the ultimate love between two girls and Satan.
De Sade 70 (1970)
A must see title from Jess Franco
The way the mainstream chooses to see humanity is very strange. It is excepted that on the norm we are kind, generous, loving people. All and all innocents. Their view is some people are lead astray by greed or mental imbalances and do crazy things. At our heart humans are all good, "normal", healthy people. This is the view point most have as a child also.
Unfortunately this is a very skewed outlook. Yes humans have the ability to be kind, and loving and we do it often. But in reality, I believe, it is in our nature to also be mean, disrespectful psychos. The mind is not an easy thing to deal with and each person reacts differently. To think otherwise you must completely ignore the news on TV, most of your friends and family, and the overall sense of lunacy that you feel in your heart when things go wrong.
This mental illness that we all have largely stems from wanting sex. It may not look that way a lot of the time. A lot of your actions may be very round about ways to getting there but everything in the end comes down to finding another person to be with intimately. If you have not realized this within yourself there is a good chance you are scared and embarrassed of the way you truly feel and are burying these emotions deep within you. When people do this they manifest in different ways. Mostly it ends up being anger towards themselves or towards others. This does not account for all the anger in the world but I think may account for a large majority of the religious anger.
One of our hardest jobs growing up is dealing with this. As children most of us do not understand any sort of sexual interest. As we grow older we are perverted and start noticing the strange new feelings we have. How we deal with them based on our situations becomes a large part of who we are for the rest of our lives. Jess Franco's 1970 film Eugenie addresses this part of our lives directly though the story of a young girl named after the title.
Eugenie is a beautiful young girl who becomes captivated by an older woman named Ange. Ange invites Eugenie to spend the weekend with her on her private island in Spain. What Eugenie doesn't know is Ange and her step brother/lover Mirvel have brought her to the island to seduce her.
(SPOILERS) After taking a bath with Ange and a little light kissing she is drugged at dinner and molested. The next day she wakes up not sure if it was a dream or real. As the vacation continues Eugenie is molested more and more to the point of rape and whippings. Ange and Mirvel invite a sect of Marquis De Sade followers who enter the house to kill her. Eugenie stabs Mirvel while he tries to rape her and kills him. The Marquis de Sade group decides not to kill Eugenie but instead Ange. After torturing Ange Eugenie runs off naked into the beach only to be confronted with a large graveyard of sacrificed victims. In a fit of anger and terror she runs aimlessly through the beach collapsing on the sand sobbing. (END SPOILERS)
Eugenie's "journey" is a beautiful, truthful and disgusting metaphor for the perversion each one of us must go through in our lives. The difference is her journey happens in two days therefore it is much more extreme. We start as children with strange dreams. Thoughts of kissing, of touching bodies, all confusing ideas thoughts that we cannot place. This was represented before Eugene got to the island. In one scene she lays on her bed staring at a picture of Ange. This is the first hint of perversion entering her life. She is then confronted with Mirvel who confesses his crush to her. Being confronted with a powerful sexual presence such as a person or a sexual picture is a second step we can all relate to. Eugenie crosses the boundary when she first kisses Ange in the bathtub. She has now confronted a part of her that can never be taken back. As the film progresses we see each step of Eugenies perversion. Confusion (not knowing if it's a dream or reality) Blind acceptance (kissing and touching Ange and Mirvel while stoned) Guilt and Self Hate (represented as Mirvel and Ange beating her with whips) Recovery (the bruises are gone!) More Sexual Partners, Betrayal, Anger at others, Confusion and ultimately insanity cover the rest of the film.
The final scene where she is confronted by the graveyard represents humanity and her realization that everyone has been through this journey in some way and many have died from it. She weeps for herself and she weeps for the world, for humans, for the insanity of being human.
Not to say this is how everyone's journey is. Some are easier than poor Eugenie's and some are much harder. The simple act of accepting this as a part of life and depicting it in two days is what is so genius about Jess Franco's film.
Expecting to see a shlocky, sex filled, Eurotrash film I was blown away by the power and brilliance of Eugenie and the Story of her Journey into Perversion. Anyone willing to be truthful when contemplating the human condition can relate and be effected by this film.
The Exterminator (1980)
Must watch vigilante film
In an explosion of gunfire and death, something is born in the trenches of Vietnam. Something is born and something else has died. John Eastland has witnessed the horrors of Vietnam first hand and like all veterans, it has changed him. Now living in New York, trying to make an honest living, he is subjected to the same degree of violence. When his best friend, Michael, is left paralyzed after a mugging, John commits his life to cleaning up the streets using the code name, "The Exterminator." What makes a superhero? What is the difference between a hero and a vigilante. Superhero's like Batman have proved it has nothing to do with super powers. Is it simply a matter of a costume? For my money a super hero is anyone risking his life for the good of the city. If a man fights crime strictly for the sake of revenge he is a vigilante but when the quality of life comes into question, we may now consider him a superhero. Despite your personal definition, The Exterminator falls in that perfect grey area where we get the violence, the anger and the quirkiness without the cheesy one-liners or terrible tights.
This is not to say The Exterminator escapes the necessary cheese of a low budget 80's action film. It also has quite a few roaming subplots and bad moustaches. The beauty of the film, though, is despite the cheese, it is played straight the whole way through. If you are willing to be in the mood and except the dated dialogue, The Exterminator actually holds up as a well made film.
Robert Ginty as the Exterminator is such a fantastically strange choice. His baby face and cold eyes are so misleading it almost feels more realistic than the expected, big jawed, hard ass we see in most action films. James Glickenhaus, the director of this masterpiece, seems to be dedicated to creating something genuine and it shows in every scene.
The Exterminator is dirty and that's why you love it. It's rotten to the core just like the city it was filmed in and we wouldn't have anything less. Despite the follow through of the amazing cover art, The Exterminator will always be one of my favorite vigilante films of all time.
Killer Bud (2001)
One of the best stoner comedies!
Buddy/stoner comedies will never go out of style. In one hundred years from now there will still be guys sitting on the couch, smoking weed, and it will still be funny. While the 90's and early 2000's were filled with weed comedies few were actually funny. Surprisingly enough, Killer Bud is at the top of the list.
The secret to Killer Bud's success is it stars David Faustino (Bud Bundy) and everyone's favorite Ferris Bueller rip off, Corey Nemic, two underrated comic geniuses (and I DO use that term lightly!) that hold together an interesting, but wandering weed epic that keeps it's steam all the way through. The story follows Waylon and Buzz after they were fired from an elderly hospital for getting beaten up by the old people. They go to a bar to drown their sorrows where they meet two young ladies looking for a little marijuana. This simple request sets off an odyssey that could only be told in 2001.
Unlike other classic stoner films like Half Baked, Homegrown and Stoned Age, Killer Bud has no true plot or structure but instead, much like the confused stoner who watches it, the film wanders through strange locations, colorful characters and some awesome claymation to give you exactly what you want when you get high. After you've finished watching Killer Bud you won't know what you've seen but you had a good time!
Wild Side (1995)
Truly great psycho cinema!
Donald Cammell's opus, Wild Side, is a tornado, a hurricane. Wild Side is the essence of emotion in film. Cammell's film compels you; it over comes you with passion, both with fury and sexuality. When all hope in film is lost, when you feel that nothing interesting is being made, a movie like Wild Side comes along and redefines all your ideas of genre, acting and film Alex is a bank executive who, after some troubles with money, becomes a high-price call girl. She falls into a sexual triangle with a big money investor, his wife and an undercover FBI agent. Bruno, the investor, is played by Christopher Walken, who was basically born to act in Cammell's films. In one of his most intense performances, Walken is an electrifying current of visceral energy. He is so engaging on screen I actually felt relieved when he wasn't around. The acting in the film is brilliant, which I attribute largely to Donald Cammells directing, but none of it comes close to the performance given by Walken.
The film is filled with flowing steady cam shots, muted flashbacks and colored dissolves that work so perfectly you are suddenly sucked into a David Lynch style world without the disorientation or confusion. What Cammell's does in the film is hard to put into words because no other director can do it the same. The film feels dirty, it feels sick and your left with a hangover of sexual tension that will burrow in your brain for days.
An interesting side story to the film, after Cammell showed his film to the executives they were horrified. They re-cut the film (from 111 to 96) and released their cut version. After Cammell saw the cut he committed suicide in front of his wife. His wife said the bullet from his gun was not fatal at first and he asked his wife to bring a mirror so he could watch himself die. Cammell sounds about as intense as they come and we love him for it. Fortunately a Directors Cut was released a few years later and it's outstanding. Wild Side was the last of four films that he made.
When a Stranger Calls Back (1993)
Creepy thriller that will keep you thinking!
You can't judge a DVD by it's cover and you certainly can't judge a horror movie by the fact that it's made for TV. Time and time again I am proved wrong, TV movies can be good. Not only good but phenomenal. When a Stranger Calls Back is that movie. Heart pounding suspense, original story line along with a must-be-seen-to-be-believed ending, this TV movie will change your brain.
Five years later, after Julia was harassed by a kidnapper, the man has come back into her life, or so she thinks. Little things in the house have been moved, the window is open and now a child's shirt in the closet. As things become stranger for Julia Jenz the police bring her Jill Johnson a woman with her own equally strange past to help her solve the mystery and stay alive!
The first 15 minutes of the film, much like the original When a Stranger Calls, are some of the most terrifying moments you will see on TV or in any movie. While some might argue the movie falls short of the first 15 I would disagree. While not as intense, the second half of the film keeps you reeled in and stays interesting in ways you will never believe. Hokey is in the eyes of the beholder and this s--t ain't hokey, it's genius. While I don't want to give away some major plot points to the film, it's a must see I promise.
The film is directed by Fred Walton who did the original When a Stranger Calls. It also stars the main babysitter, now much older, and the original detective. Fred Walton has been making a series of TV movies that seem to be doing well, several have won Emmy's, and after watching Stranger I'm ready to see what other secret nuggets he has left in his filmography. The acting is a little terrible at times but it's really the only weak point to the film. If you can get past the bad reads you will love this film.
While When a Stranger Calls Back wont make your brain melt with eye gouging special effects or supernatural squirrels but it is a very interesting thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat and brings something original to the table.
Lik wong (1991)
Riki-oh is your new favorite kung fu movie!
Exploding heads, self-disembowelment and unstoppable punches. What are you looking for in your kung fu movies? If this is it then you've come to the right place! Unlike all those yawn fest karate movies where no one gets hurt and fighting scenes go on and on without a slightest drop of blood, Riki-Oh is a fountain of blood in a desert of boredom. Riki-Oh will take you on a blood soaked ride so violent and so beautiful you'll have a new description for what you want in a movie.
Ricky is a martial artist expert who is going to jail for the murder of a man who was indirectly responsible for his girlfriends suicide. Once in the prison Ricky realizes the warden, an over-weight one eyed pornography addict is illegally growing opium and killing prisoners. Ricky is compelled to defeat the Gang of Four who rule over the four wings of the prison and free the prisoners. We quickly find that Ricky is an expert in Qigong a mystical style of kung-fu that gives him the power to literally punch and kick through people.
The film itself is surprisingly beautiful. The shots all feel very symmetrical and well thought out, the colors work very well to create an almost comic book atmosphere and the scenes are dramatic and fast moving. What really makes Riki-Oh special is his Qigong kung fu style. He has the power to rip peoples faces off and punch through their stomachs. The gore is done in such an exaggerated fashion that instead of the film being gut wrenchingly disgusting it feels much more like a cartoon. And for good reason too! Riki-Oh is based on a successful Magna and two animated films. The adaptation is nearly perfect! The film is something that should be seen to be believed.
This is director Lam Nai-choi's most famous film. Lam also directed the incredible Seventh Curse and is a favorite. His ability to mix comedy, gore and sci-fi is something extremely unique and feels fresh even today. His framing is thoroughly thought out in Riki-Oh and it shows the whole way through. The film is tight and fast moving. Other kung fu films and action in general should take notice! This film is a cult favorite for a reason.
Rolling Vengeance (1987)
Super 80's Cheese will Rock your BRAIN!
TV movies were never a big deal to me. I always assumed since it's on TV it can't be that badass. There are no boobies and no gore so why bother, right? Well Rolling Vengeance has taught me a thing or two about TV movies. Apparently they can be brutal! Joey and Big Joe Rosso are an all American father son trucking team who happen to be unfortunate enough to deliver booze to the local strip club. The club is run by Tiny Doyle and his four sons who harass the public and cause a general disturbance to everyone in a half mile radius. One day while drunk driving they decided to play chicken with Big Joe Rosso's wife and two daughters. When chicken goes wrong the wife and kids are killed and the rednecks get off scot-free. Enraged, Little Joey decides to get his revenge one way or another.
The sheer brutality of the mother and two daughters dying in the first half of the film is only the beginning. As we move on we see the father put in a coma and the girlfriend raped. For a made for TV movie this sure has some balls! The only thing that really holds back the film is how ridiculously mean Tiny Doyle and the Doyle brothers are. In the court case, after getting off free of killing a mans wife and two children, they stand outside the courthouse to make fun of him! Then they drop cinderblocks on his truck! Maybe I'm not from the country and don't realize what people are like out there but is anyone that mean? Ned Beatty doesn't really pull off the badass father figure either. The first time we see him he's wearing a 50's leather jacket and he looks like that old guy at the club no one talks to.
As far as revenge films go Rolling Vengeance goes on the top of my list. The first half of the film would put it their alone. When you find out Little Joey Rosso has been building the biggest, meanest monster truck this side of Kentucky this movie will move right up to your favorites. Watching Joey roll over half the town in his 80's montage themed monster invention is to 80's what chicken is to waffles! You gotta love it.
Do san (1989)
Original gambling movie unlike any other!
Unlike most gambling movies, God Of Gamblers does not address the addiction of gambling. It does not revel the dirty underside to casinos either. Most of all there are no plies of money floating down on a couple having sex. No, God Of Gamblers is something entirely different. With a fantastic mix of comedy, martial arts and high stakes poker God Of Gamblers set itself apart from all other gambling movie in a way only Hong Kong can do.
Ko Chun seems to have an almost supernatural ability to gamble. After nearly missing an assassination attempt Ko Chun falls victim to a prank set by a neighborhood hoodlum. After hitting his head, Ko forgets his past life and is left with a child's personality and an affection for chocolate. The hoodlum, Knife, brings Ko in and when he discovers the mans gift for gambling he uses Ko Chun to become rich. Only until Ko's past returns and the two worlds collide.
Chow Yun Fat plays Ko Chun and carries the film on his shoulders. With his excellent delivery as both the expert gambler and the innocent child we are captivated, watching his story unfold. Although the subtitles are horribly translated, the camera work is great and the fighting is better than expected.
Most action movies to come out of America or Hong Kong seem to have one problem in common. They focus on the action and forget the characters. This is why God Of Gamblers stands out from other martial arts movies. We take the time to get to know everyone in the story. The movie is just as much a comedy as it is an action movie. We aren't overloaded with long-winded action scenes. The action is short, to the point and interesting.
The film on the whole works well. Jing Wong has directed around 140 films and although I have only seen God Of Gamblers, I'm sure this is at the top of his list. One of the most interesting bits of trivia about the film is it spawned four sequels and six spin off films. It must have been HUGE over seas. And for good reason! Although the film is two hours long it moves fast and is highly entertaining. A must see for Chow Yun Fat fans or action nerds the world over!