Cyniphile Reviews

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

3.5 hour episode of America's Dumbest Criminals

[6/10 · 31 December 2023]

The whites in this movie are so obviously evil that it makes the Indians look foolish for repeatedly trusting them. I think there is more nuance to the real story, but this is all I got from the movie, which (other than the script) was very well made.

The crimes seem too foolish and obvious to believe e.g De Niro takes out a life insurance policy on an Indian and guess what happens... Duh. I suppose this was the wild West but the movie didn't do a great job helping my understand how this kind of stuff could continue even for a short time. DiCaprio's character is just weak and foolish and always does the most evil thing with little pushback.

With 3.5 hours to work with, the lack of proper character development is unacceptable.

The Devil All the Time (2020)

The Devil ALL the time

[5/10 · 23 April 2023]

It's a redneck exploitation film posing as the next Great American Novel.

Horrible stuff happens leading to more horrible stuff and so on for over two hours. At first you feel for the characters, but soon the misery feels excessive, and eventually pointlessly fictional and contrived.

It's not all bad, especially near the beginning before the movie descends into indulgence. It's well acted and filmed. There's good music.

However the storyline becomes diffuse and choppy. Characters start to get pretty one-dimensionally evil, especially the preacher played by Pattinson. The amount of FUBAR horribleness piles up to laughable heights. And it goes on, and on...

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

Beautiful animation, tedious, choppy, and trite story adaption

[3/10 · 26 December 2022]

The animation is wonderful as is obvious per the Instagram shorts.

The plot is a sappy "let's learn a lesson" machine where Pinocchio asks obvious questions like "why is fascism bad?" every five minutes, usually evoking a cringy soliloquy about, e.g. "all father's love their sons, even if it doesn't seem like it".

The classic plot is contorted into an awkward machination with lots of rules and regulations revealed to the audience by, yes, gooey monologues. It lacks both charm and creepiness, and at the end it all dissolves into something utterly lame a la Barney.

Big disappointment, big waste of amazing animation.

Squid Game (2021– )

I was wondering if the acting was bad, or if it was lost in Korean...

[5/10 · 8 October 2021]

...But then I saw the American actors that play a role and I knew that all the acting was really bad.

Starts off shocking and kinda intriguing and fades into being dumb and boring. Had a hard time paying attention by the end.

Vietnam: Fast Forward (2021)

A shot of psychological medicine

[10/10 · 22 March 2021]

My review title is a bit corny, but it's true! After months of quarantine, isolation, and light depression, seeing this movie is like a jolt of positive energy direct to the brain. The movie yanked me out of lethargic apathy and replaced it with adrenaline and purpose.

This is the story of real people who are incredibly happy and motivated, but not because they've had easy lives. In fact, most of them have faced incredible hardship far beyond what most Westerners could imagine. Yet there is something about the Vietnamese spirit that is incredibly positive and uplifting; it's infectious. They keep going no matter what, and with a smile. I'm definitely going to visit as soon as travel is possible. The food looks pretty awesome as well!

Call Me by Your Name (2017)

Well executed tale of shallow hedonism

[4/10 · 21 December 2020]

Like any soap opera, this is a story of "when will they f---" executed in setting of pretentious aristocracy somehow in 1980s Italy instead of 1880s England. And they are gay. And they are Jewish. It's nicely done for what it is, but I fail to see any depth or real love in this story of "rich pretty boyz screwing for a summer". The only beauty here is the very shallowest sort.

Wag the Dog (1997)

Great movie! With a horrible ending!

[7/10 · 12 May 2020]

This movie's got a lot of really great funny details, fast-paced, everyone-interrupting-each-other dialogue delivered by great actors being great characters, all with an interesting and important message as the subtext. Almost like a more funny NETWORK. Unfortunately the movie very suddenly gets really stupid near the end, drags on for awhile, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (2019)

Weirdly rushed for a movie with no point

[2/10 · 18 April 2020]

It's a whirlwind of explanatory dialog intermixed with action building up a flimsy plot structure leading us to...?

Hard to describe the emptiness of this movie.

Mandy (I) (2018)

Too long, not for groups

[4/10 · 12 April 2020]

I was expecting more Nick Cage hate-watching fodder, good for a group. Instead Mandy is half arthouse, half grindhouse, horrible for group watching because it's confusing, mumbly, and slow. I might have liked it more by myself, but, maybe not. As someone else mentioned here, MANDY probably should've been a short. The interesting parts are too few and padded with dead space.

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

Creepy Kid Camp

[4/10 · 14 January 2019]

When Germans do psychoactive drugs, things like the The NeverEnding Story poop out. Imagine giving Nietsche shrooms and then showing him what a Furby is, or getting Kafka high and giving him free creative control over an episode of Sesame Street? I remember seeing previews for the movie when I was a kid and feeling a weird nervousness that something really creepy was going on there. Watching it for the first time now, I was so right.

It's hard to describe the confluence of campy, trippy, nihilism-y, goofy, and Germany going on here, but one thing is for sure, there is no way children under the age of 21 should be allowed to watch this. That's right, if you can't legally drink then you should not legally be allowed to watch The NeverEnding Story. That is, unless you are prepared for a lifetime of nightmares about little girls with huge eyes and prostitute eyeshadow begging you to "just believe!"....because otherwise the world will end, and not even climactically .

The Thin Red Line (1998)

very annoying

[3/10 · 9 August 2018]

A compilation of hayseed poetry/philosophy voiceover ("where is the glory? Where is it?' What is it?" ), distracting 30 second appearances by A list celebs, whooshing noises, and shots of trees from below.

Possibly the most pretentious movie I've ever seen. A gross jerk off fine arts rendition of a subject that deserves much better.

Cowspiracy: The Sustainability Secret (2014)

One star: The only rating propaganda ever deserves

[1/10 · 30 November 2016]

Lots of other reviews have stated how this documentary works as propaganda by misrepresenting facts and selecting dubious sources, so I won't repeat. I just want to express my disgust.

I am stunned that someone so bent on spreading "the truth" can simultaneously reach his hand into the evidence bag and manipulate and misrepresent the real truth to fit his view of the world. Or to fit a sexy storyline for his career-making documentary...

Kip, you are no better than Goebbels. In your self-righteous pursuit of film success you sell out the only thing that really matters in your profession: the truth.

I really hope you change your path in life. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and big egos. Please put yours aside, for the sake of a world innocently consuming the trash you put forth.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

The worst Star Wars. This is Episode IV except in 3D. Literally.

[4/10 · 16 January 2016]

Growing up with Star Wars adds some weirdness to critiquing it. For instance, I was of the generation too young to find Ewoks or Jar Jar Binks annoying, though I'm pretty sure I knew Jake Lloyd (had to look that up...) was a terrible actor, even for a 9-year-old. I loved all the movies I through VI.

Now I'm an adult for the next phase of Star Wars, and I think this is by far the worst. This new episode is just an oh-so-self-aware remake of Episode IV. And when I say "remake of Epidode IV" I mean it has the exactly that. There's a young whipersnapper who discovers a latent ability with the force. She lives on a desert planet. There is a droid with some secret plans that falls into her hands. She is helped by mercenary but basically good smuggler. There's a bad guy with a father-son relationship to a good guy. There's another evil empire with "a device capable of destroying an entire planet" (guess what happens in the end). This, bespeckled with periodic awkward points where some classic character happens to force their way back into the narrative. Oh hey CPO, R2, Leah, Han, etc. I get the whole self-aware self-referentialiality of it all, I guess, but to me it ended up basically boring.

But since when was Star Wars about plot? Good point, it's always been about spectacular space world visualizations, kooky creatures, ships, battles. And here too this latest Star wars falls short. Once again its an updated Episode IV, but instead of stop motion, the x-wings are in CGI. Few to no new ships, worlds, creatures, battles.

I think many folks discounted Episodes I, II, and III for terrible acting and a poor plot. But I would counter that they did what Star Wars does best, best. The visuals were stunning. The sheer imaginative power was inspiring. Incredible battles in land air sea and space. Nothing creatively innovative like that is in The Force Awakens except now R2-D2 is round and "Darth Vader"'s lightsaber has little side blades. Yawn.

We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)

A better tittle: _What if My Kid Is A Dick?_

[3/10 · 8 March 2015]

We need to talk about We Need to Talk About Kevin, starting with the misleading title. Watching the life story of "Kevin", a strangely problematic baby-toddler-teen, an unsettling suspense settles on the audience: when will Tilda Swinton deliver the titular line?? Will it be after Kevin puts the family hamster in the garbage disposal? Or maybe after he counts all the way to forty like a big boy and then intentionally shits his pants? Or maybe after he becomes a teenager and starts dressing like one of the Jonas Brothers? But the line never comes! No one in the movie ever says "Hey, Kevin has all these cds of virus- laden porn in his room, we need to talk about this!" or "Hey, We need to talk about We Need to Talk About Kevin, starting with the misleading title. Watching the life story of "Kevin", a strangely problematic baby-toddler-teen, an unsettling suspense settles on the audience: when will Tilda Swinton deliver the titular line?? Will it be after Kevin puts the family hamster in the garbage disposal? Or maybe after he counts all the way to forty like a big boy and then intentionally shits his pants? Or maybe after he becomes a teenager and starts dressing like one of the Jonas Brothers? But the line never comes! No one in the movie ever says "Hey, Kevin has all these cds of virus- laden porn in his room, we need to talk about this!" or "Hey, Kevin still wears his baby clothes at age 17, we need to talk about this!" Dad (John C. Reilly) remains adamantly oblivious, and mom (Tilda Swinton) just lets the situation simmer as Kevin spirals out of control in his assholery.

Eventually, Kevin makes a sudden break from simple dickishness and commits a deed so horrendous that everyone in the town begins abusing his mom on sight as she remembers her son's life in flashback. So, since it never happened in the movie , let's talk about Kevin. Why does he act like such a little douche literally since birth? No reason is given in the movie, not even a supernatural Satan-spawn type thing. This leads me to suggest a new title for the movie, one more descriptive of its philosophical crux which is rooted in a nightmare that disturbs the sleep of many a future mother: What if My Kid is a Dick?

Survive Style 5+ (2004)

Weird, witty, and pretty, but not insufferably so.

[9/10 · 7 February 2015]

It may be weird and in the end essentially pointless (though not plot-less), but it is very funny, very wow photography, very Japanese (but not Anime/Manga/NerdFringePornvisavisEpicFantasyViolence), very funky, very coocoo, und auch wery LALALA. HEHEHE. Outch. Too much fun here. But not insufferable artistic hipster facetiousness. Though more in that direction than in the direction of, say, Happy Gilmore. But too random to be liked by people who would describe is as "wacky!".

Note to self: when search of torrent tracker brings up more magnets for "movie___soundtrack" than "movie", then probability of soundtrack being super awesome is good.

The Girlfriend Experience (2009)

Every other scene is borderline brilliant, every other scene really sucks

[5/10 · 27 October 2014]

New York City glamour, extremely real acting and scenarios followed by CNN circa 2008 mumbo-jumbo, annoyingly flashy cinematography, and wanna-be American Psycho depravity-in-materialism preaching. Rarely do it want to shut off a movie every five minutes, and if so, even more rarely do I find something to respect in the next five.

As to Sasha Grey and her acting abilities, I think she's OK at it. Many reviews scathe her for "deadpan", but I think that's what high-class dumb sluts actually are probably like. Pretty much empty. Making the most of what god gave them in a depraved way. To me it seems real. The "hooker's boyfriend" character was great, which is hard to pull off in my mind. I really empathized with this guy in a weird situation.

What's not real are the characters of many, though not all, of the "rich assholes". That's about as eloquent as Soderberg is with these characters, "They're just rich assholes" when "the rest of us are hurting" as we are reminded again, and again, and again.

The script and plot line isn't great, often forced by some contrived circumstance, and really goes nowhere in the end. Maybe 5 is too generous. I guess I was intrigued.

Pandora's Promise (2013)

An important message conveyed in a mediocre+ way

[6/10 · 20 September 2014]

The good: It's good to see a film that advocates science and reason for the purpose of spreading an important message that is far overdue. I think the interviewees were well selected from pools of both scientific experts and relate-able, intelligent, concerned citizens who all present the overwhelming and long-known evidence for nuclear power's safety and use.

The bad: A 45-60 min version could have been equally informative. There's a lot of bad editing and poor documentary style, sometimes laughably so, and the narrative thread gets rather weak as it's stretched to meet minimum feature length. Many poor pro-nuclear arguments and some inflammatory material is thrown in the mix which diminishes film's documentary integrity.

The Holy Mountain (1973)

Something for when you are really....really...high

[5/10 · 14 September 2014]

I don't think I would have liked this movie at all if it wasn't for the way it was recommended to me: a couple crazy French friends, both computer science grad students who loved to party, said this was their favorite movie to get absolutely blazed to. I might have immediately jumped to the judgments many others have made e.g. this is a masturbatory, campy, art-for-artists, hippie-dippy, and poorly made piece of trash. All that is true; luckily for me I had the image of two giggling Frenchmen, stoned to obliteration watching this beyond lunacy, and that helped me to shake my head, laugh, and actually kinda enjoy....though I wish I too could have been (very) stoned and in the company of those who were likewise.

Of course it's always a cop out to say you need to smoke in order to like a movie, but one must admit that certain types of films fit like a puzzle piece into that category "good while high", for certain types of weird people. This is one of those.

Adaptation. (2002)

Solid, though definitely "Screenwriter's Interest" material. Nick-o-meter 7/10

[8/10 · 18 July 2014]

This one was introduced to me through numerous clips which were shown to a screen writing class I took in college, and the whole movie is (or should be) of interest to anyone interested in screen writing, or even more generally "what makes a good story?", "how are stories written?" (at least as far as Kaufman is concerned). One of the most entertaining parts of the film is how it propounds lots of rules for writing good movies and then breaks every single one of them (pay attention to the opening dialogue between Cage and Swinton). In the end, it's a philosophical piece, not so much giving answers as challenging the viewer to think for himself. A solid.

The Rock (1996)

The stupid explosion-based action of yore just cant compete with the stupid CGI retina-orgy action of now.

[3/10 · 17 July 2014]

Part of the Criterion Collection apparently, must be because it's in the category of "so bad it's good" because it is exceptionally bad/good

Not all movies need to be brainy and existential, but do they really need to be so stupid they are baffling? I guess I have hard time shutting off, a hard time trying not to take it seriously. Was it made to be serious? If so then MB must think we're all f-ing retarded. Die Hard was good, this is like, campy, with all the brain eating chemicals, and Nick Cage as perhaps his very very worst, very setty sets, lots of dry-ice smoke.

If you want stupid action and explosions and eye candy, why not go full bore and watch transformers? Going back is just a study in the sh#!tier.

Contact (1997)

Clearly Carl Sagan was behind this one...

[6/10 · 17 July 2014]

I like science, but you can't make a dramatic film about science. I suppose some people part of making the movie also understood this so there's some plot like stuff thrown in (romantic interest, a bit of political intrigue) but damn if it's all just a poor disguise for a movie about science which just doesn't make a good movie.

I can almost hear Carl Sagan droning in my ear "if you don't care about science then what *do* you care about?" I care about doing things right Carl, and pontificating that science is the end all does not justify making movies with a shaky plot support and lots of philosophic discussion not to mention a sh#! ton of astrophysics jargon.

I don't hate this movie; heck I'd say watch it, but only once.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

The Expendables of indie movies. I feel like Wes Anderson just jerked off on my eyeballs.

[7/10 · 17 July 2014]

Whatever this movie is, it's Wes Anderson. You'll be reminded of that every time there is a 180 degree pan or dolly instead of a normal cut, every time there is straight-facedness in the sight of ridiculousness, every time there is a theater-esque set, every time another massively A- list celebrity appears in a minor role so as to be included in the exponentially burgeoning WA troupe...

The story is choppy and riddled with voice-over and voice-over within voice-over, but def hella whimsical. I'm not a hater, check out my other ratings of great films like Rushmore, RT, even LAWSZ...this one was just too much, like the Darjeeling Limited on steroids.

Nebraska (2013)

The strictly lamer version of The Straight Story/About Schmidt. Watch those instead.

[5/10 · 17 July 2014]

Everything said in Nebraska has been said better in pretty much exactly parallel terms elsewhere (see Lynch's The Straight Story, or Payne himself's About Schmidt). I guess the point is, getting old sucks, but we were human after all...something kinda tiresome and bland like that? Like the black and white photography? Like the contrived old-people raunchiness that's the only source of comic relief aside from "Midwesterneres are sure stupid aren't they?" Like a poorly thought out plot with holes (especially regarding the sons' money, transportation) and unrealistic, flat characters (the "villain", the "nice stupid Midwesterners")? Like Will Forte who can't act in a serious role? It's pretty predictable people.

Snake Eyes (1998)

A textbook dud, not even bad enough to be good. Nick-o-meter 2/10

[4/10 · 17 July 2014]

I should probably give this a lower rating, because I've been more entertained by the badness of "worse" movies than I was by the weirdly uninteresting qualities of Snake Eyes. Not to spoil, but snake eyes is a completely gratuitous title.

The story is all connected together, its not a random mishmash of plot holes and non-sequiturs like other "worse" Nick Cage (a.k.a The Rock), but for some reason it just lies there like sh#! on a peanut butter sandwich. Carla Gugino and her assets were about as exciting as it got. When the movie ended it was like "well, hmm, I guess that was that".

Nick, Nick, Nick, not at your best this time. Not at your worst (a.k.a The Rock) but not at your best. Yawn.

HOWEVER, lots of cool (possibly gratuitous) steadicam work and some really long takes. Guess dePalma got caught up in the technical this time.

Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Just because a movie is sad does not mean it is good. Also, c'mon Nick!

[3/10 · 17 July 2014]

I guess this was supposed to be deep and depressing... I found nothing depressing about it as the characters already have both feet in the grave from the very beginning. I don't know how they got there or why, and watching them lay down and die from there is downright boring. Before you watch, read the taglines and think about what might happen, and you will probably be about right.

As far as Nick Cage, I know it's a huge matter of opinion with this guy, but I'd say in this movie he stunk. Lots of obvious and crummy improv. If you want good Cage, watch Wild at Heart or Raising Arizona. He's a good actor, but needs good direction, and the director that decided this sappy drama of a screenplay was for him clearly didn't get it.