KlangSmithToo Reviews

Snake Eyes (2021)

Snake-Eyes Makes Michael Bay's Transformers Look Like Citizen Kane

[2/10 · 28 April 2022]

How hard could it be to make a Snake-Eyes movie? He is the epitome of the cool, quiet ninja. He has a great origin story as depicted in 30 years worth of comics and cartoons. Reboot it, fine, but just do that. You have a wealth of source material. Seriously, how hard could it be? As this movie shows you, pretty darn hard.

I am baffled how the team that made this movie could get everything wrong. They assemble a cast that can throw down and fight and the fight scenes are literally seconds long, mostly in the dark, with extremely quick cuts. The acting is sub-par but, to be fair, they weren't given much to work with. I think other reviewers are giving Andrew Koji a pass because of Warrior but he is super cheesy in the role of Storm Shadow. His performance is full of a forced, hammy earnestness as he delivers lines from a comic book movie that sounds like they were written by and for eight year olds. And speaking of eight year olds, one of the "veteran" screenwriters is a veteran of working on terrible Disney sequels like Cinderella 3, Tarzan 2 and Jungle Book 2. Oh, and he wrote 2 Pooh Heffalump movies. He DOES write for eight year olds and it shows here. The story is beyond juvenile and shows little understanding of what is great or interesting about the source material. Even the fan service is completely misplaced here. There is a scene late in the movie where Snake-Eyes walks up to Scarlett right before one of the climactic (non) fight scenes and casually says, "Yo, Joe." But this is an ORIGIN movie and he barely even knows what G. I. Joe is at this point. How would he know to say that? I think the screenwriters were so inept at their craft that they thought they could take a movie about a ninja named Snake-Eyes and build it around a literal pair of dice that only rolls ones and three literal snakes. Anacondas. Not even Cobras.

This whole thing is a hot mess. And not even an interesting mess. A super bland and generic boring mess. It's Snake-Eyes. How do you do that? Thank God this movie tanked so bad that we will probably not be subjected to any more of this nonsense and Larry Hama won't have to pretend that he likes it.

My Punch-Drunk Boxer (2019)

Punch Drunk Love

[8/10 · 16 June 2020]

So you are either going to hate this movie (or at least be bored by it) or you are going to love it. It is an art-house dramedy about a disgraced former boxer who is pushing 30 and suffering from too many blows to the head but decides that his dream is to fight once again. It is slow. It takes its time getting there. And for the first hour of the movie, I had it pegged as a solid 4 stars. But I realized at some point deep in the film that I liked these characters and I was invested in the story and my attitude towards it changed. It was creeping up on a high 6 low 7. And then the last 15 minutes brought it all home and I was totally engaged and tearing up and hanging on every word. This movie isn't Rocky or Creed or any other rah, rah sports flick that spikes your testosterone and has you leaping from your seat. It isn't trying to be. To be honest, it's a weird little movie, but it's also kind of beautiful. 8 stars.

The Witch: Part 1 - The Subversion (2018)

Just Another Teen Movie

[6/10 · 15 June 2020]

I expected so much more. I Saw the Devil is one of the slickest, sickest movies ever put on fim and New World is straight up "The Godfather" of Korean cinema. I was excited to see Hoon-jung Park's latest offering. But it turns out to be just an overlong "extreme" version of a Western teen movie series. Even a lot of the elements are the same. Part Hanna, part Lucy, part X-Men, part Divergent, part whatever, all shaken up and spat out into a bland, uninteresting package. I am baffled by this one. I am used to the slow burn set-ups of Korean movies but the first hour and a half has so little character development and plot progression and world building that it just seems to drag on and on and when the final curtain is drawn and the "real" situation is revealed, I just didn't really care what happens to most of these people. The acting, praised so highly in other reviews, is adequate, but just adequate. The only character I genuinely felt invested in was Woo-sik Choi and that could have just been holdover from Train to Busan. Everyone else were just cardboard cutouts of characters. There is nothing innovative here. Just a mishmash of Western tropes thrown together into Part 1 of a series that feels like it tries too hard to be Part 1 of a series. To be fair, there are about 20 minutes near the end that pull out all of the action stops and are gloriously violent and brutal and bloody and it is very cool to watch. Frankly that is the only reason my rating is 6 stars. Without that scene, this movie is no more than a solid 4. But that's like rating Oldboy solely on the strength of the hallway scene. This movie feels like it could have been great but it turned out not to be nearly enough. Maybe part 2 will correct that mistake.

Tomb Raider (2018)

The Tomb Is Empty

[4/10 · 1 May 2020]

There were some neat visuals but it takes a while to feel like this is in any way a Tomb Raider movie. I literally watched this last night and am today struggling to remember how it ended. It's that generic and forgettable.

Good People (2014)

It's Every British "Crime" Movie You've Ever Seen

[3/10 · 3 August 2019]

We just keep getting the same movies over and over. Originality is such a rare commodity these days. This is pretty clearly A Simple Plan mashed up, oddly enough, with Home Alone. The actors walk through it woodenly. There is little suspense. A decent bit of violence. Every cliche of the genre. Watchable, sure, but in the same way you might watch an episode of a tv show in its ten millionth season. Why bother?

The Goose Goes South (2018)

When Cameramen Direct...

[7/10 · 6 April 2019]

This is a quiet, sweet, ambling movie that has many things to say and doesn't mind taking its time to say them. It is one of those Korean experience movies that takes you on a journey rather than laying out a story with a concrete beginning middle and end. I'm sure many would quantify this a "boring" but if you are in the right frame of mind, it is a real treat. What sets it apart from others that make movies like this (Sang-soo Hong and Jung-bum Park spring to mind) is that this was directed by two cinematographers and every shot is framed, blocked and shot beautifully. I mean BEAUTIFULLY! It is a visual feast with interesting and positive things to say. Very happy I took the time to watch this one.

Bright (I) (2017)

Would Rather Have Watched Battlefield Earth II

[1/10 · 28 July 2018]

So, I now have a theory. We were told that Suicide Squad was not a good movie due to studio interference. They forced reshoots and interjected humor and just monkeyed with the entire thing, making it a dumb, muddy mess. They interfered with David Ayer's vision. After sitting through the entirety of Bright, it is now my opinion that all of the studio interference probably made Suicide Squad a better movie and turned it from unwatchable to moderately entertaining. Bright, unfortunately, had no studio interference. How do you take such an original idea and have absolutely nothing original to say with it? Bright is every buddy cop cliche mashed up with every fantasy cliche delivered via a two dimensional plot and corny dialogue. Nothing about this movie was good. The story plays out like a third grade D&D campaign. The characters were cardboard cut-outs from Tolkien meets Lethal Weapon. The acting was wooden (aside for a few brief moments by Edgerton who did his best with what he was given). The pacing was bad. The shots were bad. The stunts were bad. The FX were beyond bad. Seriously, 90 million dollars for rubber orc masks and tattoos that were obviously drawn on with a Sharpie. Noomie Rapace looked great. Everyone else looked like cosplay on the last day of comicon when everyone is tired and hungover and just can't be bothered. Ayers made nothing but bad choices and delivered a terrible movie. I am tempted to insert the words "visionless hack" into this review somewhere but thought that might be bit too harsh. Hopefully, Netflix ignores the obvious shill reviews praising this stinker, takes note of all of the harsh criticism that this flick so richly deserves and interferes a little more in the sequel so the next installment will be at least moderately entertaining.

Swimming to Sea (2012)

Finding Nemo Meets Oldboy

[8/10 · 4 July 2018]

Padak (Swimming to Sea is the title on Amazon Prime) is South Korea's version of Finding Nemo. Just look at that movie poster. Sure, mackerel aren't as flashy as clown fish, but that poster with the triumphant fish and happy seagulls in the background made me instantly think of the Disney counterpart. In the words of another famous (alien) fish, "It's a trap!" Padak is set up like Nemo's portion of the Disney movie but, instead of being trapped in a goofy dentist's office, Padak is trapped in an aquarium full of edible fish and trying to avoid being filleted alive and served as sushi in the attached restaurant. Graphically. Like the fish in the aquarium can SEE into the restaurant as this happens to other fish that were just in the aquarium with them. This is basically Finding Nemo if Finding Nemo were about the life or death struggle in an unfair and uncaring society that is basically waiting for you to be picked off and served as food or grow weak enough that your peers can eat you and fill their own greedy bellies. That's the simple synopsis. This movie says very deep and complex things about the world and our place in it. It is pretty brutal and pretty savage and pretty bleak (O.K., REALLY bleak) but there are a few musical numbers to make it seem like a traditional animated kid's movie (trust me IT IS NOT). The really brilliant thing is that this movie acknowledges that it is playing on Finding Nemo's popularity to garner an audience (one of the movie posters has Padak and a clown fish nose to nose) and there IS a clown fish scene in the movie but the clown fish here represent the pretty socialite people who recoil in disgust when they are forced to be in the presence of common, working class bait fish. It's a cool and kind of shocking scene. Like this whole movie. I really liked it. I mean, I liked Finding Nemo too but in a very different way. Instead of LOL "He touched the butt" moments, there are "I wonder if it is morally ethical to eat the corpse of my dead friend because I am hungry" moments. Yeah, kids eat that kind of stuff up!

Bbeu-a-jong (1997)

When Korean New Wave Was Still Trying to Find Its Voice

[6/10 · 3 June 2018]

So this is an early Korean New Wave film starring a few actors who went on to make it big, but this one has somehow gotten lost in the shuffle. Much like the early films of its time like Crocodile or No. 3 or Green Room, this one is pretty rough around the edges and doesn't have the slick production values that Korean New Wave quickly developed. Unlike those other films, however, the storytelling is the thing that is lacking here and doesn't pack the punch of those other movies. It definitely has New Wave sensibilities and has many of the elements that were emerging as cutting edge at the time--gritty realism, violence, sex, a bleak worldview, etc. but can't quite put them together in a compelling way. The story follows a shy cabdriver who encounters a precocious prostitute and the two fall in love. Unfortunately, she has an obsessive suitor who also happens to be a cop and he isn't willing to let her go without a fight. The plot is simple but compelling and the actors do a fine job (especially Kyeong-yeong Lee as the brutal cop) but, in the end, this movie doesn't break enough with standard genre norms to make it stand out and shine. It's like all of the New Wave elements were present but the pieces weren't put together in such a way as to make a new puzzle. Instead, it comes off as an offbeat but standard movie. Still worth checking out for fans of New Wave or any of the actors but, as the low ratings suggest, this is not so much a diamond in the rough as just plain rough.

Big Match (2014)

An Action Comedy That is Devoid of Both

[3/10 · 5 June 2017]

This movie looks good and has great production values but that's about all it has going for it. I suppose it is supposed to be an action comedy, but the action isn't very good and the comedy is even worse.

The most disappointing thing about this flick is that the cast is STELLAR. Most of these guys have been in some amazing movies, some of them comedies, and acted their butts off. Jung-jae Lee (New World, Assassination) in totally ripped form is an MMA fighter whose brother is kidnapped, he is framed for murder, he is framed for trashing a gangster's nightclub and finds himself the centerpiece in a high stakes game observed by a group of millionaires who wager on people's lives. If that last sentence sounded long and messy, that's exactly the problem with this movie. It is ALL OVER the place. Sung- min Lee (Robot Sound) is his trainer and brother who gets abducted and spends most of the movie making funny faces and shouting ridiculous admonitions of encouragement (what passes for humor in this film). Ha-kyun Shin (Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Save the Green Planet) is the game- master who sets up the whole scenario and cackles his way through the story like an amped up anime villain. BoA is ANOTHER MMA fighter who starts out working for the villain and is added as a totally unnecessary love interest. Eui-sung Kim (Train to Busan) is the bumbling police chief who is always one step behind everyone else. Like I said, STELLAR cast and it looks like they are all having "wacky" fun but nothing gels here, there is no chemistry between any of the principals and the whole thing falls flat. It just isn't funny. Not one line of it.

Unfortunately, I think the script is pretty much to blame here. The story tries too hard with too many disparate elements that just seem to be thrown at the screen out of left field. The dialog is forced and the humor is two-dimensional and juvenile. There isn't anything subtle here at all. Just silly faces and dumb lines. And the movie is almost TWO HOURS LONG. Just give this one a pass and watch ANY OTHER movie ANY of the cast has starred in and I guarantee you will have better time.

Fashion King (2014)

The Meaning of Dopeness

[7/10 · 30 May 2017]

I am posting a review for this film, both because it was a lot of fun to watch and because I don't think it deserves to be represented solely by a one star review. I, myself, have only seen around 400 Korean movies but could easily name 20 of them that are MUCH worse than this one. I am assuming that the previous reviewer was objecting more to the style and content of the movie rather than the quality. Why namedrop heavy critically acclaimed dramas in a review for a lighthearted teen comedy about high school fashion. Because that is what this movie is. And that is all it is trying to be. It's obviously not shooting for a Grand Bell.

The movie follows sad-sack nerd Woo Ki-myung who is so badly bullied that his mother moves him to Seoul to get away from his daily torment. Entering a high school where fashion is highly important, Ki-myung (with the help of an outrageous best friend and an underground fashion designer who is selling knock-off brand names on the web) reinvents himself as one of the trendy kids and is successful enough to come under fire from the school's fashion king. Their conflict, while moving the story forward, is not the heart of the movie as this is really a film about what makes a person truly stand out from the crowd. Do the clothes make the man or the man make the clothes.

This movie has some very familiar teen tropes--nerd becomes cool becomes nerd, ugly duckling smart girl becomes beautiful swan, etc. But this film presents them in a fun, kinetic and unique way so they don't seem tired or re-tread. Won Joo is quite good as the tormented teen who still has a quiet self assurance about him, even as he is being humiliated. Seong-oh Kim is fantastic as the hungry fashion designer turned mentor. I quite enjoyed this film and found it, not only funny, but charming. It doesn't take itself too seriously and is intentionally goofy at times but that only adds to the fun of it. Plus, I hear all the dope kids like it.

Love Guide for Dumpees (2015)

The Hook Up, Korean Style

[8/10 · 29 May 2017]

Not sure why the ratings on this one are so low. It is a very cute romantic comedy that isn't overly silly or sentimental. Ye-ri Han and Kye-Sang Yoon have fantastic chemistry as two dumped people who are a bit awkward and a bit self conscious and very unsure of themselves as they try to move forward from the loss of "true" love. The story follows these two as they meet at the wedding of their respective exes. Neither is over their former partner and they don't really like each other very much when they first meet. They use each other for consolation in a night of passionate, meaningless sex followed by a dramatic trip to the e.r. (trying not to include any spoilers here). The sex was good enough, though, that they agree to meet nine more times for coffee and coitus before calling it quits. Of course, keeping things simple isn't always as simple as it's supposed to be. There is some crude humor here (mostly by the leading man's big talking best friend) but also some genuinely funny moments and some touching human moments as well. Worth a watch if you like this sort of thing.

Blades of Blood (2010)

Like a Fist Fight in a Hurricane

[6/10 · 22 April 2017]

This is not a great movie, but it is certainly a good one. If you are expecting a typical Asian kungfu historical flick, you will probably be disappointed (just read the other reviews). If you are expecting a thoughtful story with dashes of Korean film staples like humor, depth and melodrama, you should check this one out. Jung-min Hwang is especially good as the blind sword master. And, yes, the ending is perfectly satisfying IF you can appreciate a Korean point of view and IF you don't have to have a neat, warm fuzzy, Western style wrap up. The movie's theme is very common in Korean cinema and I have certainly seen it before. (It is also the reason for the spoiler alert because I am about to tell you the whole point of the movie). Throughout history, Koreans, who all love their country, have traditionally feuded with each other instead of coming together to take on real and actual threats to the nation (in this case, Japanese invaders). This is clearly illustrated by the ludicrous situation at the end of the movie where two men are dueling each other while the enemy is quite literally at the gates. It's supposed to be ludicrous. It's supposed to make a point. Just because it isn't a point the Western mind finds satisfying doesn't make it any less valid. Or bad. Here is the Western style ending: the two men are dueling, but when they hear the Japanese guns firing, they set aside their differences and stand shoulder to shoulder with swords drawn to take on the invaders against overwhelming odds like Butch and Sundance. You would have liked that ending better but would have missed the whole message of the movie if it had been done that way. The most important idea in Western flicks like this tends to be freedom at any cost but in Korean movies, it's usually the importance of unity. If you know that going in, it greatly aids in the enjoyment (and understanding) of the movie.

The Story of Ong-nyeo (2014)

Walk Softly and Carry a Big...

[3/10 · 3 February 2017]

I think the current synopsis up on the site is supposed to be some sort of a joke. If sincere, it is wildly misleading. This is a low budget, raunchy sex comedy about a woman who is cursed with a condition that causes men who have sex with her to shrivel up and lose all potency for the rest of their lives. Basically, to become eunuchs. She becomes lonely for a love that lasts longer than one night and her friends begin a search for a suitable match. Of course (and big spoiler here) it turns out to be a man whose member is so huge he can't have sex with regular women. It's a match made in juvenile joke heaven. The movie is as unsubtle as it is unfunny and tries to make up for the lack of humor with copious amounts of nudity. This one belongs in the "it's so bad it's bad" category.

Entangled (2014)

When Really Bad Things Happen to Good People

[3/10 · 31 December 2016]

Maybe this is an issue piece. Maybe it is a think piece. Maybe it is a metaphor. Or maybe it is just a very, very, very grim movie. Whatever it is, it is not fun to watch. Things start out badly. Grandma accidentally kills baby grandson (this is not a spoiler, it is in every description of the movie I have read). And it's all downhill from there. Seriously, so many over the top tragedies happen to this family while trying to deal with an already terrible event that it almost seems surreal. Almost seems ludicrous. I found myself saying over and over again while watching this, "Really, is that going to happen too?" It's just too much to feel authentic and because it does not fell authentic, it just becomes morose. It's like watching a slow train wreck. No, it's like watching the aftermath of a train wreck where a few bloody survivors try to escape, only to discover that they are missing limbs, the train is hanging over a precipice and an avalanche is sliding down on top of them. I don't mind grim and I don't mind realistic but this is borderline ridiculous.

The Showdown (2011)

With Friends Like These...

[8/10 · 26 December 2016]

This is a slick, well done little movie that is simple in scale yet massive in scope. The premise is very basic: Two high ranking officers, both lifelong friends, barely escape with their lives from a battle in Manchuria during a fierce blizzard. They take refuge in an abandoned inn where they discover a deserter from their company (played by the ever entertaining Chang-Seok Ko) hiding out and planning to return to Joseon when the snow lifts. Three men stuck in a room together. Like I said, a very simple scenario. But as the past comes into play and secrets come to light, the entire drama of the human condition begins to play out in this little microcosm. Friendship, honor, betrayal, jealousy, bravery, cowardice, clan warfare, class warfare, nationalism, loyalty and revenge all come crashing down into this little space and force things into a showdown between all involved. As with most good Korean films, this is not a clear cut "good guy/bad guy everything wraps up in a storybook ending" kind of a film. It is tightly written and well directed movie by the guy who wrote I Saw the Devil, New World and Tiger: An Old Hunter's Tale. It is fun and engaging and tough to watch all at the same time. I'm surprised it hasn't gotten more recognition.

Alive (2014)

A Good Movie In Need of a Good Editor

[3/10 · 29 September 2016]

The themes of this movie are timeless and poignant but this flick is needlessly long. It's as if the actor/director got so involved in the filming that he forgot it was O.K. to leave some shots on the cutting room floor. And there was no need. This movie would have been more focused and much better with about half an hour or so dropped from it's running time. Now, I'm quite used to Korean cinema which usually has a much longer set-up time than we are used to in the West but that isn't what happens here. The characters and situations are set up rather quickly so that you know exactly who is who and what is going on in their lives and then the story stops developing and sort of just settles down into following these people around as they live their daily lives. It gets a little repetitious. Every once in a while, a new element is introduced but these moments are few and far between. I think of a long Korean film like Gyeongju where almost every shot counts and every little thing means something and watching this movie seemed much more like meandering around for almost three hours. I really liked the bones of this story but felt like it became something of endurance feat to unearth them all.