craigman Reviews

300 (2006)

Stupid and Forgettable. Waaay Overrated.

[1/10 · 21 April 2009]

I agree with a lot of the negative postings. This was really ridiculous and annoying. I am not a movie snob or anything, but this movie was extremely overrated and dumb. I almost fell asleep a few times. At one point I thought I was watching Disney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame".

I thought Persians were ancient Iranians, so why were they Black here? Also, since the filmmaker loves violence and gore, it was done very stupidly in this movie. For instance, the blood that "flung" out when someone got cut just disappears and never appears on the ground. When someone is beheaded, there should be a fountain of blood spurting out, but here, there is no blood! The electric guitar riffs throughout the monotonous fight scenes also added to the stupidity. Were piercings really in fashion that long ago?

Made of Honor (2008)

Super-Turd with Elisabeth Hasslebeck on top

[2/10 · 16 December 2008]

Wow, this was bad. I really have to put my foot down and stop letting my wife subject me to such utter crap! Why are women drawn so much to any movie that features a wedding? Ugh, I could make a really long list of all of the things that just annoyed the hell out of me from this formulaic cliché-fest! For one thing, I am so sick of all of these "romantic comedies" set in Manhattan! Also, all of the characters were one-dimensional cyphers. People act in stupid, unrealistic ways only seen in movies and not in real life. Plus, the lame attempts at humor were pathetic and immature.

The main guy, who of course has to be rich by some inane invention, or a "lovable loser", played by the inexplicably popular Patrick Dempsey, was a grade-A jerk that women cannot resist. This is shown in typical Hollywood fashion, with women constantly throwing themselves at him in such embarrassing ways in which women in real life would never do. At one point, a woman jumps on top of him, screaming "service me"! This one-note commitment-phobe has all of these stupid rules he follows to keep women from getting too close. He also has a female friend for ten years that gets to watch him sleeping with all of these women for a decade, before deciding predictably that all of the women were sluts and she is the one he loves and should marry. Barf! Everything is predictable and trite. The only parts that were vaguely entertaining were the shots in Scotland. The only part that made me smile was when Kevin McKidd punched out the sniveling Dempsey. The part that really put this in the dumpster was the despicable Elisabeth Hasslebeck making a bizarre appearance in some instructional video. Movies like these could be used to torture the average guy!

Funny Games (2007)

I'll give it some points for originality

[6/10 · 5 December 2008]

I just watched this with my brother, who liked it more than me. I grew up on a steady diet of horror movies, but I usually don't prefer the torture types, like Saw or Hostel. I must admit, it held my interest and was fairly unpredictable and broke the formula of the average horror movie. It definitely didn't take itself too seriously, and broke the taboo of child murder. I admit, I was cheering when Watts shot one of the baddies, like most would, and groaned when her victory was deleted, "Click"-style. I understood why the director did this.

I found myself yelling at the family to do something, anything, like fight back. The father, while injured in the knee, still had three working limbs, but never used them to defend his own family! Many chances to escape, or grab a weapon were given, but the family seemed to stupidly think they would survive the ordeal if they stuck together and did nothing, I guess. Well, they were "dead wrong"! Sorry, couldn't help it.

The main message I got from this movie was that the average American, or any civilized family seems to have become so soft and complacent, that when faced with such a threat, they become quivering masses of jelly. They don't have any fighting instinct left. Like our beloved dogs (most of them), they have forgotten how to use their teeth and nails to defend themselves and loved ones. I would like to think that my two Labs would leap to my rescue, but most likely they would cringe and cower.

It's easy to say that you would have done a lot more than this family did in order to survive, but most people don't know how they will react in such a situation unless it actually happened to them. I would like to think that I would would fight tooth and nail to protect my family, until my last dying breath, which I feel I would, but I don't even have any defense training! I think I'll sign up for Karate...

Never Say Die (1994)

Hilarious, Ripe for Parody

[5/10 · 18 November 2008]

I have to admit, I only say about 20 minutes of this straight-to-video "movie", and it was on a Spanish speaking station, so I couldn't understand any of the dialog, but from what I saw, I liked for some strange reason. I guess it was the bizarre imagery of the freaky cult ceremony and the pumped up poor man's Van Damn! that made me watch. It was so bad in funny way, with the evil cult leader making funny faces and the clueless military leader stumbling into the cult and getting killed. The hairstyles were hilarious mullets for the men and frizzy-crimped for the women. This movie had an 80's feel even though it was released in 1995! I would love to see it in its entirety and laugh my butt off!

Supernova (2005 TV Movie)

Luke Perry Cannot Act His Way Out Of A Paper Bag

[1/10 · 13 November 2008]

Wow, I feel cheated out of the time I wasted watching this utter garbage. It came on channel 35 (ION) in the middle of a Sunday. That's when I usually get suckered into watching something crappy, I guess, since I was feeling particularly lazy and absolutely nothing good was on the TV. While most of the other reviewers rightly pointed out out how awful this was, I don't think it will become a "cult favorite", like some said. There really is nothing redeeming about this.

Why does Luke Perry still get ANY acting jobs? All he does in this is kind of mumble and stumble around. He has the charisma of a turnip, and doesn't even know how to act angry when some killer is trying to kill his annoyingly cute wife and child! I was rooting for the bad guy to kill him. The killer inexplicably only knocks him out! Then his wife has to save him! And poor Tia Carerre. I always thought she was hot looking, but she always seems so cold and sexless on-screen. It's as if she is under orders to never flirt or act sexy, or ever kiss anyone! She is always single and childless as well.

The scenes with Peter Fonda and the lone blond woman on the beach were excruciating to watch as well. They are killed in a really stupid manner by a heat-seeking sun-chunk (don't ask). After suffering through about 3 hours to the end, I was hoping the sun would indeed put everyone out of their misery! No such luck, though. Like so many other stupid "disaster" movies and TV shows, there is always a stupid happy ending! The creators never have the stones to actually follow through on their "end of the world" scenario!

Monster in the Closet (1986)

Really bad, and not in any good way

[1/10 · 27 October 2008]

Wow, I just saw this on T.V. as one of the "scary" movies they show around Halloween. Was this rated G? There wasn't really anything to make this movie scary, or worth watching. Also, other people say this is a spoof, but I don't think so. For a spoof, you need something called "humor". This low-budget crap-fest didn't have a shred of humor, and it didn't make much sense, either. You basically have a goofy looking monster (man in rubber suit) coming out of closets, killing people, I guess, since you never see the monster doing violence to anyone or any bloody aftermath. The spinning newspaper tells you that people were killed by the monster, so I guess that's good enough.

The military tries feebly to kill the monster, which isn't much larger than a man. They have very bad aim. Then the military FLEES! Wow, did this movie make the U.S. military look pathetic or what? The monster, while hard to kill, doesn't do much besides shuffle around and roar. Oh, and occasionally a second head pops out of its mouth and shrieks. It was a slightly interesting, yet a total Alien ripoff.

What was the deal with the scientist playing the Xylophone to attract the monster? It was hard to understand a lot of the dialog due to the poor sound quality. Also, why did the monster carry around the main wimpy guy for so long? Why didn't the monster go into the closet when it had a chance? Why do I insist on trying to make sense out of the senseless?

Knight Rider: Knight Rider (2008) Season 1, Episode 0

Worse Than "Viper", which it rips off completely

[1/10 · 19 February 2008]

The only reason I watched this was because I had some nostalgic feeling for the original "Knight Rider" and that there was nothing else on at the time. This show really was lame and stupid. It could barely hold my interest. I kept walking out of the room and changing the channel, looking for anything else to watch. While this show didn't completely hold my attention, I can remember quite a few things that annoyed me:

1. The bad guys were basically humorless douchbag cardboard cutouts with absolutely no personality. I know they aren't supposed to be likable, but at least make them slightly interesting!

2. The whole sun-drenched look was stupid. I felt like I was watching the O.C.

3. What purpose did the lesbian cop have other than stupidly being caught by the bad guys? Also, how could she afford a beach house? One of the stupidest exchanges came between her and some young California blonde she just had sex with. She basically said she had to go and the blond said something like "You are going to leave me in your house? You barely know me" Then the lesbian cop said "Oh, it's okay" and just left! STOOOPID! The blonde should have cleared out the house, like in "Risky Business"! That would have taught her a lesson!

4. The dialog seemed like it was written by a 4 year old.

5. All of the annoying Ford commercials that seemed like part of the show.

6. The storyline was full of cliché's and stupid characters, like the main guy in bed with 2 bimbos, owing bookies a ton of money, having his goofy, useless friend threatened by thugs.

7. The car didn't really do anything groundbreaking, and actually didn't do hardly any of the cool things the original K.I.T.T. did. Also, the car's "nonotechnology", directly ripped from "Viper" is sooo '90s!

There are many other stupid parts that I really don't want to try that hard to remember. Overall, this "remake", or "continuation" has a very old and dated feel about it. Other posters said they are happy this isn't a "re-imagining" like the updated "Battlestar Galactica". They got it backwards. "Battlestar" is about a billion times better, sex changes and all!

Journeyman (2007)

It was so-so

[5/10 · 26 September 2007]

After watching the great new Heroes episode, I decided to stick around and see if this show was worth watching. I agree with another poster in that nothing really unsettling or interesting happens. It seemed really formulaic, and very similar to "Quantum Leap". Actually, "Quantum Leap" had more interesting elements to it.

The basic premise is that a Scottish guy (who feebly tries to hide his accent, why?) living in SanFrancisco, played by Kevin McKidd (whom I liked a lot in "Rome") gets inexplicably bounced backward and forward in time, like the guy in Kurt Vonnegat's book "Slaughterhouse 5". But, for some reason, he is drawn to a man whom he believes he has to "interfere with", to correct something "bad", so history will be "saved". That concept is pretty much the same as "Quantum Leap", except that in "QL" a machine from the future caused Sam to jump back in time, and only his brain traveled though time, temporarily settling in some seemingly random person's mind. Sometimes Sam inhabited a woman's body, once even a chimpanzee! Also, Sam was accompanied by a hologram that tries to guide him on his "mission". There also was quite a bit of whimsical humor. Wow, that was a good show.

Here, McKidd experiences some blurry special effect and finds himself a few years in the past. I watched the whole episode with an open mind, but found my mind wandering. It got a bit boring at times. Moon Bloodgood definitely got me back interested, especially in the scene where she want's an "afternoon delight" with McKidd. When the show ended, there really wasn't the "oomph" you get when you watch a great new pilot, like the thrill I felt at the end of the new "Battlestar Galactica" pilot. Maybe this show needs some time to hit its stride, I don't know. I may watch the next episode if there is nothing else on...

Stargate SG-1 (1997–2007)

Very lame and boring

[1/10 · 29 August 2007]

I cannot believe how popular this show is. I consider myself an avid sci-fi fan. I have read countless sci-fi novels and have enjoyed many sci-fi movies and TV shows. I really wouldn't even consider this true sci-fi. Every episode I have sat through was like a lame, watered down version of a Star Trek episode, minus anything that might make it interesting or exciting.

It's basically a bunch of people standing around in ARMY fatigues, talking about something boring, who occasionally go through the Stargate and end up on a planet that looks just like Earth, with people who look and sound just like Humans! It seemed extremely low budget. The characters are all forgettable one dimensional cutouts, and the many attempts at humor fall flat. It reminds me when you see a commercial with a famous athlete in it, trying to be funny, but he is not. It is just sad.

The movie was terrible as well. There is so much you can do with a portal through space, yet every place the ARMY people go is BORING! This shows no imagination! I actually thought the TV series "Alien Nation" from a few years back (based on the movie Alien Nation) was much better. That show actually had good story lines and decent characters. I wasn't crazy about "Alien Nation", but compared to this overrated crap, it was great!

Also, unlike the great new "Battlestar Galactica" series, "Stargate" copied the look and feel of the lame movie too closely! They should have at least updated the cheesy "toilet flushing" special effect of whenever somebody goes through the Stargate.

Laser Mission (1989)

Where the $#@ were the $#@ing lasers?!?

[1/10 · 13 August 2007]

I only watched this movie because I was bored one Sunday afternoon and I had received a Sci-Fi Classics collection as gift, and because it starred the late, great Brandon Lee, whom I only have seen in the movie "The Crow", which I loved. I love to watch cheesy low-budget sci-fi movies, and movies that are "so bad they're good", but this was neither. It was just horrible all around. Probably the most annoying part was the terrible sound quality. I would have to turn my TV's volume on maximum and I still couldn't hear the muffled dialog, yet soon afterward there would be a deafening sound effect. Haven't these people heard of boom mikes?

Also, the story was a muddled mess, with basically Brandon running around, looking a lot like a poor man's Dean Cain, shooting black guys dressed in Army fatigues and being a jerk to the obligatory blonde sex-interest. I must admit, I liked the woman much more than Lee. Her cute 80's look and nice cleavage were the only things that kept me from completely tuning out this "movie". Someone else called this a B-movie, but that is giving it way too much praise.

The things that usually make these types of movies appealing are mostly absent, like gratuitous violence (there is virtually none here), a sci-fi element (none), sex or nudity (none worth mentioning). etc. Why this was in a Sci-Fi collection is beyond me. And the main thing that bothered me: NO FREAKING LASERS!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CALL A MOVIE "LASER MISSION" AND NOT HAVE A SINGLE DAMN LASER IN IT?!?

Zorro: La Espada y La Rosa (2007)

Very well done and entertaining

[10/10 · 11 June 2007]

I might be the only non-Spanish speaking gringo that watches this show, yet I must admit that I'm hooked. Luckily if you activate the closed-captioning, the subtitles appear in English, so I can follow what the characters are saying. This seems to be the only show on Telemundo with English subtitles. I probably would never would have discovered this show, if not for my Peruvian wife, who started watching it before me. I missed the first month or so, and would like to see the whole series. Hopefully the'll run it again, or make it available on DVD.

Probably the best thing about the show is the characters. There and plenty of interesting characters, some good, some evil, and some in-between. One of my favorites is Monterro, the evil blond commander who is the thorn in everybody's side. He has a dark sense of humor and the best sneer of any villain I've ever seen. There is also an obsessive hunchback, a freaky looking Marquise (reminds me of The Joker), a sorceress, gypsies, fugitive nuns, a woman prisoner with an iron mask, tortured evil one-eyed governor, a fat comic-relief soldier, vengeful Indians, an evil red-haired vixen, and of course Zorro himself. He fits the role perfectly, much better than Antonio Banderas did in those silly movies. Esmerelda is pretty hot as well. She reminds me of a more buxom Jessica Alba. I also like the ruthless bald soldier Pizzarro. You never know if he's going to help somebody or kill them. The bad-ass monk who mentors Zorro is quite a noble character as well. Like I said, there is a plethora of characters, pretty much all of which add to the show in a positive manner. This is probably because there are no bratty kids in the mix, come to think of it...

This "novella" appeals to me mainly because there is a good deal of action mixed in with the obligatory romance. Also, unlike the sanitized American movies, there is quite a bit of violence, murder, torture, and even rape. The characters suffer quite a bit. A lot of this is implied, since it airs on regular network TV. There is some humor as well, to balance out the drama. There is also quite a bit of cleavage on display to appeal to me and other male viewers. Overall, I can't think of anything I dislike about this show. The opening sequence is very well done and enjoyable. I must have seen it a hundred times and have not grown tired of it. I've read that this show is a hit; I'm surprised nobody else has commented on it. Well, I definitely enjoy it and look forward to watching it!

Duplex (2003)

Horrible, unfunny, painful to watch

[1/10 · 4 May 2007]

I agree with most of the posters here that gave this movie a bad review. But while most people said they were fans of Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore, I definitely am not. I only saw this movie because it was my wife's choice for a rental. I cannot stress how not funny this movie was. In fact, it made me quite uncomfortable, frustrated, and angry. Worst of all, there was no satisfaction, or "justice served" at the end. The story didn't make any sense. It's basically about a scam between a real estate agent, his mom (horrible old lady) and gay lover and a yuppie couple who try to buy a property. See, the old lady lives upstairs in the otherwise desirable duplex in Manhattan (of course) that the couple buy. Then, for no good reason, the unlikable old hag makes the couple's lives a living hell. Why they put up with her and don't try to stop her awful behavior is inexplicable. A series of unfunny pratfalls ensue, with the nasty old bat ALWAYS getting the upper hand! At least on "Tom and Jerry", the cat sometimes won...Even when the couple stupidly hire a really expensive and totally inept "hit-man", the old lady basically sends him scurrying away to lick his wounds! He was the worst "hit-man" I've ever seen! Also, when the "ruined" couple finally sell the place, the old bat pretends to be dead after they've signed the papers. The only purpose for this is to be totally mean for no good reason! I don't understand what purpose the whole plot served other than to make the viewer totally hate the old lady. Even my wife had to agree with me that this movie was just mean-spirited, unfunny crap!

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters (2007)

The most original and hilarious movie I've seen in a long time

[10/10 · 23 April 2007]

After reading about 2 or 3 local paper reviews totally trashing ATHF, I felt it was my duty to see the movie in the theater with my older brother. I am a successful happily married 36 year old non-stoner, though I did partake many years ago on occasion, especially during my college years. While I know many stoners enjoy this movie, a lot of non-stoners seem to enjoy it as well. many SMART PEOPLE. The thing you need is... A SENSE OF HUMOR! It may help to be a fan of the TV show as well.

If you're a big fan of Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell, you may not appreciate the totally bizarre, off-the-wall, utterly original and hilarious humor of ATHF. And while I like The Simpsons and South Park, ATHF is just so... indescribably funny. It doesn't rely on current events and does not need to try to parody any current pop culture craze, like American Idol (which I utterly detest). It is extremely original, which is extremely rare to find anywhere nowadays. I hate the way some stick-in-the-mud, ultra-p.c. unimaginative critics say this movie "kills brain cells" when they just plain don't get it. One critic in particular, Barbara Lester, said she walked out of the movie about halfway through! And she thought she was still qualified to review the movie! She should be fired!

Marie Antoinette (2006)

The French Revolution, if made into a Disney ride

[1/10 · 19 March 2007]

My wife made me watch this one. She even had to admit that when it was over, she didn't like it either. There really isn't anything to learn from this "visual lard", as another reviewer aptly put. It did remind me of a bad wedding cake, all fancy icing designs, but tasting like sugar and lard. Sophia Coppola may have good taste in music, but her directing style has no substance. Also, while I liked most of the 80's tunes she used in the movie, they seemed jarringly out of place in this fluffy period piece. This was supposed to be about Marie Antionette and her life, which was mainly defined by the French Revolution and the fact that she was beheaded! Why was it fluffy and trite?

Sophia portrays Marie as an innocent valley girl socialite, complete with little dog accessory and penchant for partying and attaining ugly shoes! At the same time, we are supposed to sympathize with her, even though she never seems to care about anybody but herself. I was actually looking forward to seeing her get beheaded. They didn't even show anything! The utter cop-out of an ending just showed her and her socially retarded husband riding away like they were leaving on a holiday, to use a British term! There was one brief scene of the peasants shouting gibberish while Antionette goes out on the balcony and does some stupid bow for some unfathomable reason. The crowd, when shown for a brief few seconds, looked like a bunch of people going to the Renaissance Fair of something! They looked nothing like starving, mad-as-hell poor French people! That was ridiculous.

The casting seemed strange as well. Poor Kirsten Dunst seemed completely out of her element. She didn't even attempt an Austrian accent! Also, when she is shown undressing, she looked dangerously underweight! It wasn't sexy! What is it about female actresses and their refusal to eat normally? Rip Torn looks bizarre here in French garb, and Molly Shannon and Jason Shwartzman seems completely miscast as well. There really was no depth to French culture shown here as well. It seemed as if virtually no research was put into this. Overall, this movie just had nothing in it I liked.

Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? (2001 TV Movie)

Makes you think, if you have a brain!

[10/10 · 1 June 2006]

It's funny and kind of sad how a lot of the reviews I skimmed through are people who are so outraged and disgusted by this! They write in such an angry and hateful way, one would think they were horribly hurt emotionally! They seem like religious fanatics who are told that god does not exist! One retard went so far as to compare people who doubt we went to the moon to Holocaust deniers! Shame on that idiot! For one thing, there is concrete, physical proof that the Holocaust happened, plus many people who experienced it firsthand! As far as the "lunar landing", we just have some grainy footage and questionable photographs. The kind of people who are so outraged by this TV special are the same people who blindly believe everything the government, media, and religious leaders tell them! They are very closed minded people who love to accuse people of being anti-American if they criticize or question anything about the government! I hate these kind of extremists! I love America, but I don't blindly believe everything authority figures tell or show me. To do that is beyond stupid! Most people don't really give much thought to whether or not we went to the moon. I just kind of took it for granted. Yet, the evidence in this special is very compelling, and like one guy said, it's not just one piece of evidence. It's a culmination of a lot of different things. Also, if we really went to the moon 37 years ago, we should have the technology by now to get they much more easily! Why have we never gone back in all of these years?

Fatal Instinct (1993)

Why the hell is this rated so low?!?

[9/10 · 18 May 2006]

I don't understand how a person can watch a very funny and entertaining movie like this and then go on IMDb and give it a low rating! What is wrong with these people?! Do they have no sense of humor? They are probably the same people who didn't see the humor in Airplane! This movie obviously spoofs, or parodies (please forgive me if I don't know the difference!) noir movies and murder thrillers like Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction, hence the title. Armande Asanti is funnier than most people who are supposed to be funny, like Will Farrell! Also we have the classic beauty Sherilyn Fenn, looking her best as an old fashioned secretary. There are more laugh out loud parts than I can count. They tackle a lot of the clichés that have always bugged me, like when the bad person is "killed", they "come to" and try to kill the good person again, and again! The comedic timing is right on the mark, unlike so many unfunny "comedies" that have come out recently. Also, this movie is light on the violence, language and sexual content, so even easily offended people can enjoy it.

Æon Flux (2005)

Very Mediocre at best. Ultraviolet was more entertaining.

[3/10 · 15 May 2006]

I just saw this movie on DVD. Luckily my brother-in-law brought it over and I didn't have to pay to see it. Now, I remember the MTV cartoon fondly. First in its ultra short form on Liquid Television and later as a full series. I actually preferred the shorts where she didn't talk. The movie by itself is very mediocre, but when compared to the cartoon, it becomes outright bad. The filmmakers took everything that made the cartoon cool and removed it! First, Charlize Theron is pretty, but completely miscast. Aeon was tall and lanky, kind of evil looking, like a vampire dominatrix. The original Aeon was delightfully unpredictable. The cartoon was very violent and had a cool style. I think the artist Moebius had a strong influence. All that is missing in the movie! The violence is very mild and unsatisfying, because the movie was PG-13. Bad choice!

Also, we have visuals that don't seem particularly stunning for being 400 years in the future. The only thing that stood out was the weird blimp thingie, but I found that more silly looking than awe-inspiring. Also, gun technology hasn't seemed to have advanced, AT ALL! In four hundred years! The story was copied straight from a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, where there is a colony of several-generation clones who are in danger of dying off because they have become sterile. Here we have, for the umpteenth time, the Hollywood message that CLONING IS EVIL! Stupid! Also, clones would never have the memories of their earlier copies. This is ludicrous and has been done in several Hollywood movies, like the 6th Day, Godsend, and Alien Resurrection.

I guess this movie had a low budget, but still, with better actors and actresses (that doesn't necessarily mean more expensive), a better story, some truly interesting visuals, some kick-ass fight scenes and gun battles, this movie could have been much better. I actually thought Halle Berry's CatWoman was a much more interesting a sexy character than the lame and boring Charlize Theron, who failed to capture any of the essence of the original Aeon!

Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

I will always love this movie!

[10/10 · 11 May 2006]

I don't understand why this movie is rated only a 6. It is far superior to most of the comedies from around the same time and a lot of comedies from recent years. It holds up today amazingly well. Most comedies from the 80's kind of lose their charm over the years. I saw this again recently with my wife (she had never seen it), and she loved it and I laughed just as much as I did before. It's not just a mindless college sex romp like Porky's. It had some intelligence and a lot of heart. It was also refreshingly politically incorrect and raunchy. There are some truly unforgettable characters, like Booger and Lamar. The Asian guy was really funny too. Also, the child prodigy. There were lots of funny, quotable lines, and tons of hilarious scenes, like the party scene. The talent show performance was a moment in history. The end was truly touching. This movie is a classic. It's up there with "Airplane", "Weird Science", and "There's Something About Mary". You don't have to be a nerd to love it! Anybody that didn't like this movie is NOT someone I'd want to associate with.

Grandma's Boy (2006)

Wasn't nearly as funny as the previews make it seem...

[5/10 · 11 May 2006]

I just saw this last night with my wife, so its fresh in my mind. First off, I'm surprised it came to DVD so fast! It must have flopped. There were a lot of small elements that I thought were going to be funny, but just fell flat. The whole "karate monkey" part was stupid. A lot of the characters were annoying. I grew up playing video games and have a real love of them, but the whole video game theme seemed like an afterthought, and wasn't really explored well. It seems there was a lot of funny material to work with, but it never really came together well. It reminded me a lot of SNL skits that go on WAY TOO LONG. My wife and I both noticed that the movie dragged a lot, and seemed longer than its actual running time. Also, I'm no drug prude, but the rampant pot smoking seemed really excessive. Everybody like to smoke pot! Pot smoking, in itself, is not very funny to watch. It is handled in a funnier way on "That 70's Show". Also, they make the "bad" character obsessed with "The Matrix" and robots and techno music. I like all of those things, and they spoil it! In one scene, the bad nerd is listening to "Window Licker" by Aphex Twin, a great song, and they show it in a bad light by having a stupid Asian guy getting annoyed by it. He even goes as far as saying, "I hate techno music." The main guy, who looks a lot like Mel Gibson, is okay. I also like the goofy guy with the car for a bed. Most of the other male characters are just stupid and annoying. The young female, who played Velma in the Scooby Doo movies, is hot and does a good job. The older women were okay. Probably the funniest part in the movie is when the guy's grandmother makes him vacuum, and when he lifts the couch, there is a dead cat with a terrified expression. That part, to me and my wife, was hilarious! Also, no one is ever shown actually programming the game! The supposed genius is surrounded by monitors, but never seems to do any work. The good guy has a "side project", a game he's been developing for years, yet he only has it on one disc, no copies, and no computer with all of the files! He lets the bad guy borrow the only disk?!? That's retarded! I do a lot of work on computer, and everything is routinely backed up! He should have dozens if copies of such an important project, not to mention all of the files on his computer! The party scene was stupid as well. All of the sudden there were all of these bikers and Hollywood porn star looking women at the grandmas house! I loved movies like "Dude, Where's My Car", "40 Year Old Virgin", "Just Friends", and "Napolean Dynamite". I like a good stupid comedy. This one had its moments, there just wasn't enough of them...

Big Love (2006–2011)

Very original and well done

[26 April 2006]

I'm surprised no one has written about this great show yet! I've always liked HBO's original programming, from Video Jukebox back in the early 80's (before Mtv!), to Taxicab Confessions, OZ, Sopranos, and Six Feet Under. I really had little interest in watching a show about Mormons and polygamy in Utah, but I knew HBO would make it interesting. I love the cast! Bill Paxton is perfectly cast as the lead. He was always an underrated actor. Same goes with Jeanne Tripplehorn as his first (and favorite) wife. Chloe Sevigney is almost unrecognizable as the manipulative second wife, with her long hair and prairie outfits. I first noticed her in Kids. Newcomer Gennifer Goodwyn is quite good as the overwhelmed and lonely youngest third wife. She reminds me of a young Sherilyn Fenn. It doesn't hurt that all of the wives and eldest daughter are quite attractive!

One would think Bill's character would be envied, but the more we see into his everyday life, the more I say "No thanks!" Imagine dealing with three moody wives and children coming out of the woodwork! Everything has to be written in a daily planner, otherwise things get extremely chaotic. On top of dealing with his huge family, living in three adjacent houses with one back yard, he also has to run a growing chain of Home Depot-type stores, deal with the rest of his oddball family (parents and brother) still living on a polygamist compound run by an evil Harry Dean Stanton who keeps extorting money from Bill and harassing him and his family. Oh, and they also try to keep their polygamy secret from the nosy neighbors, and one of the wives has run up huge credit card debts! Plus almost everyone the family deals with is an over-religious meddler! I also like the relationship with the eldest daughter and her straight laced but good hearted friend, who played Napolean Dynamite's love interest. Overall, I really like this show and hope it becomes as popular as the other great HBO series.

Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)

You'll like it, unless you are a rabid Bush supporter (or have no sense of humor, or both!)

[8/10 · 21 April 2006]

I really had no interest in seeing this. I saw the trailers and read the reviews, and decided to give it a pass. My wife really wanted to see it, so we watched it on DVD. I was pleasantly surprised. It was funnier than the commercials showed, and better than the reviewers said. I cannot understand these people that didn't like it. What the hell were they expecting? Obviously, it wasn't completely realistic. Most movies are less so. It was exaggerated for comedic effect! One of my favorite scenes was the scramble and fight for the job interview. Also the scene afterward where the corporate execs are laughing at the plight of Dick. I'm sure most people (especially now in Bush's bad economy) can sympathize with the plight of trying to find a job. I've been in similar situations). It wasn't hilarious throughout, but there were several times I laughed, which I haven't done while watching most recent comedies, like the horrible Failure to Launch. This movie actually dealt with a serious issue millions of Americans face in a funny way. Also, I'm not a big Jim Carrey fan, and I thought he did just fine here!

March of the Penguins (2005)

I would have liked it more if I saw it for free on TV!

[5/10 · 20 April 2006]

Wow, I must admit, for basically being the type of documentary you's see on Animal Planet, the creators struck gold with the Penguin loving public! I love nature, and I have nothing against penguins, but I fail to see why so many people go gaga over the clumsy flightless birds, who don't really seem like birds at all. I wonder if they are cold blooded, like most birds... Maybe not. The problem with March...is that there are almost no facts about the Penguins physiology! Instead we get the WAY OVER-USED Morgan Freeman doing the voice-over narration that doesn't really give many relevant facts. Also, we get overdramtic pap about the Penguins love and anguish and so on... They anthropomorphise the penguins too much! Most Americans must eat this up, but to me it seemed too manipulative. My gut tells me that the birds are simply following instincts, since their brains are so small. I doubt they have emotions like us. Also, why must the penguins travel so far to breed? It was NEVER EXPLAINED! I rated the movie a 5 because the cinematography was very nice. I probably would have liked it better on mute. On a side note, the trailer they showed for "Happy Feet", basically computer generated penguins dancing like Bing Crosby, made me want to vomit!

Godzilla (I) (1998)

I felt sorry for the big lizard...

[5/10 · 27 December 2005]

I must admit, I was rooting for the big, funny looking lizard called Godzilla. I grew up watching the old Godzilla movies, but I really don't have any crazed devotion to them like some people seem to. In this movie, poor Godzilla just wants to eat some fish and have some babies. It was nice to Ferris Bueller even! Then the evil American military opens file on poor Godzilla, with the gay guy from Melrose Place inexplicably cast here as a soldier.

While this movie was watchable, it didn't really deliver, as far as wholesale destruction and mayhem. I think there was more destruction in Superman 2. Also, the monster kept running away when attacked. It didn't really kill anybody, except maybe a couple of Army 'copter pilots. There should have been crowds of screaming, annoying New Yawkers getting crushed underfoot. And what was the deal with the French super-spies? They seemed like they wandered onto the wrong movie set. And it seemed strange that while mommy Godzilla was rather sweet, that her newborns would be so vicious and deadly, right out of the eggs, very much like the raptors in Jurassic Park.

There was also a couple scenes when it kind of looked like Godzilla was breathing fire, but it could have just been explosions in front of its mouth...It really wasn't clear. And when poor giant lizard dies at the end, I wished all the people there had died instead, since the poor thing was more likable than any of the bland, one-dimensional characters...Even the despicable TV anchor survived!

Lexx (1996–2002)

I sorely miss Lexx...

[22 December 2005]

I don't remember exactly when I first got hooked on "Lexx". It must have been 1998 or 1999. I just remember thinking, "Wow, they would never do that on 'Star Trek!" I grew up watching "Star Trek" and other less popular sci-fi shows, also all of the Trek spin-offs. I have also seen all of the "Star Wars" movies. I must admit, even though I love Trek, I got sick of the way everything was so polite and proper. And the "Star Wars" movies seemed too juvenile and unsophisticated. Also, in both Trek and Wars, where were the hot chicks? Well, Lexx certainly had that covered, and it was also wildly original and almost cliché-free.

It's basically about a fugitive coward who accidentally gets control of the most powerful and destructive space ship in the known universe: a planet destroying, living insectoid starship. His small crew is basically made up of a half- man eating worm, half love-slave and an undead assassin who reminds me of a tall, gaunt Robert Smith of the Cure. Also there is a whiny, insulting robot head called 790 who is in love with the love slave. He provides most of the humor in his biting insults. He is also pretty hilarious looking. I can't help but crack up at the way he looks and sounds!

Well, this show was really strange and bizarre, with moments of brutality, sexuality, and dark humor absent in most sci-fi series. It also avoided most of the lame cliché's a lot of shows like "Babylon 5", "Farscape", and "Andromeda" had, mainly silly looking aliens, square-jawed heroes, laser battles, etc. etc. The Lexx universe is cruel, and very strange looking. It reminds me of "Dune", the books, not the movie. In Lexx, no one is completely good, and most are selfish.

Also, the series finale was great, and could lead to a series continuation. Unfortunately, the Sci-Fi channels doesn't show re-runs! They are too busy showing stupid monster movies, "Stargate", and re-running the same 3 mini- series. How many times can they show Stephen King's "It"? I know Lexx is available on DVD, so I'll probably get it eventually...

King Kong (2005)

Better Than the Extremely Overrated lord of the rings

[8/10 · 19 December 2005]

I just saw "King Kong" this Friday with my wife. She wanted to see it more than I did, but I must admit, I enjoyed it just fine. It wasn't a masterpiece, but I wasn't expecting it to be one. I never cared much for the old Kong movies, but this one definitely was not boring. I cannot understand a lot of the negative reviews I read here. I mean, what were people expecting, a police drama? A deep love story? WAKE UP PEOPLE! IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT A GIANT GORILLA! It delivered just fine! It reminds me of when people bashed "Independence Day", just to be cool, I guess. People keep pointing out stupid things, like cheesy dialog or too many special effects. Again, I say IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT A GIANT GORILLA! I actually enjoyed seeing all of the monsters on Skull Island, especially the giant bugs and killer leech-things. If we just had Kong and the girl, it would have been pretty lame. And people thought the girl truly loved Kong, like a person. This is ridiculous! She loved him like an animal who saved her life many times over. Obviously a bond would form, but it wasn't true love. People keep saying it was too long and some actually said they walked out of the theater! What the F??? These people must have NO attention span. I've sat through movies that I really should have walked out of, but I always stick it out. Also, if someone walks out of a movie before its over, THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS WRITING A REVIEW ABOUT IT!!! The only complaint I really have is that even though there was a lot of violence and death, there was virtually no blood. Also, when Kong hit the ground at the end, it is not shown or heard, and there is virtually no visible damage to him or the ground. I was looking forward to a big crash! Oh well, I guess you can't have everything...