Phantomzonevillain Reviews

Elizabeth I (2005)

Hmmmm

[6/10 · 16 February 2023]

Putting aside historical accuracy for entertainment, the story begins in 1579. Elizabeth was 47 in this year. As talented as Helen Mirren is, she's 61 here and is clearly, obviously, too old for the part. This is why the Cate Blanchett performances are far more successful than this - Cate was far more compelling in her attempts and deserved her Oscar nominations. Helen Mirren is consistently solid in her work but this is not an example of where she shines. It just seems altogether a bit insipid and weak. Not her finest hour by a long shot.

It's simply ok, passes the time but is nothing special.

Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

Crushingly dull

[2/10 · 30 September 2022]

I didn't expect greatness. I didn't expect terrible. What I found was absolute boredom. It's a stinker. Conveniently overlooking that the Sanderson Sisters actually exploded at the end of the first film, it ignores that fact and brings them back for the exact same story. But without the humour or the thrills. Or characters that we even care for. It's just bland and doesn't evoke any sense of nostalgia or fun.

I didn't want to hate it. I tried so hard to like it. I definitely didn't build it up too much in my head because that always leaves viewers disappointed. The truth of the matter is - the magic was gone and it was just an exercise in "the audience wants more, so we will give them just the same - only in high-definition but without the charm".

Silent Witness (1996– )

Needs a refresh

[6/10 · 8 July 2022]

Under Amanda Burton, it was must see TV. Emilia Fox was an initially interesting replacement but after 18 series, both she and her character have long become stale. Unless the show finds a new lead character, its days are numbered.

It needs an urgent revamp. And fast.

Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

Not as bad as you're led to believe

[6/10 · 16 July 2021]

It's harmless fun. It's noisy, silly and fun. Just what you want from a sea-faring adventure. It knows it would never top the original and doesn't try to. It's popcorn entertainment and just ignore the movie snobs.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

The good, the bad and the ugly

[5/10 · 6 June 2021]

The cinematography, costumes, special effects, the dwarves and a glorious performance from Charlie's Theron are the saving graves of the film.

Chris Hemsworth hurts the film with the most appalling accent ever committed to film. He may have been suitable as Thor, but face it, from Ghostbusters, MIB 4, the 2 Huntsman films, he amply demonstrates that he's a movie star - not an actor. His agents must be working overtime to keep him employed.

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)

Zero star rating required

[1/10 · 6 June 2021]

Honest to God, I watch a lot of movies and this was, without a doubt, one of the worst I've ever seen. It makes Jaws 3D look high quality in comparison.

JCVD looking like Baron Samedi from Live And Let Die was lost on me. In fact, the only point of interest to me was - how could that black dude be banging that girl when he wasn't even hard? Yes, there's a male full frontal shot and that's the most interesting question raised by the entire film.

Cocoon: The Return (1988)

The Return - was necessary

[8/10 · 31 May 2021]

When people complain there being a sequel and how it "undermines the point of the first" - what they're actually failing to observe is that the very reason the Antareans came in the first place was to collect the cocoons. They failed in that mission, so a return was necessary, to try again.

Ignoring the "professional reviews" - I always found the two films a great companion to each other. And yes, both films have that rare ability to make you laugh - and to cry - every time you see them. Because the cast were just so brilliant in their performances, I've long felt "if only there had been a Cocoon 3", just to spend more time with them - even if there's no story to tell. What's also sad to realise is that, with Wilford Brimley's passing, all of the pensioners have now left us, on their own last, great adventure into the unknown.

A rare thing, a sequel I've always loved as much as the first.

Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)

A nice companion to the original

[8/10 · 30 May 2021]

The trouble with sequels is that people automatically dismiss them as inferior and prejudge them on that basis. What these film snobs miss out on is the actual point of why the film is made in the first place - and that is to spend more time in the company of characters that we embraced and cared about from the original. On that basis, was a sequel to Arthur mandatory? No. Was it nice to catch up with Linda and Arthur and see them triumph over adversity once again? Absolutely. To return to see old characters is to hang out with old friends. We get to laugh, to cry and to share their joy after their struggles when Linda makes her announcement at the end of the film. People are much too unkind about the film. It's a lovely way to spend a couple of hours. And that's all that needs to be said.

The Replacement (2017)

Vicky McClure

[8/10 · 4 May 2021]

Vicky McClure is a great actress and gave an excellent, layered performance. High production values does not take away from the fact that Ellen, played by Morven Christie, another fine actress, was so thoroughly unlikeable, that you never feel any sympathy for her. Frankly, her behaviour throughout would lead her to her dismissal from her job and Vicky's character should be hired regardless, before any sinister events took place.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Abysmal

[2/10 · 11 April 2021]

In order to renew my interest for the 5th coming next year, I decided to rewatch the entire series.

The trilogy, you never tire of. This - you'd well tired at the end of it. It just doesn't work. The fridge, Karen Allen being a whiny nag, John Hurt looking like he wants to be anywhere but there, Ray Winstone trying to be funny and failing, Tarzan swinging.

It hasn't improved with age. It never will.