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Reviews
Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
Why?
Just why?
The CGI is cartoonish, the story is predictable, derivative, preachy, and sappy, and the acting is overwrought and over-earnest. The whole thing is just an overblown, over-done, and unnecessary mess. How anyone can call this bloated disaster a "classic" is beyond me. The only thing this slop-fest has in common with any of the true classics is that the audience is being force-fed these horrible images through their eyeballs like the torture scene in "A Clockwork Orange." At least the prisoners in that story didn't pay the inflated price of a ticket to be tortured.
In sum, this was the worst experience in an auditorium since Mrs. Lincoln insisted on a night out at the Ford Theater.
The Titan (2018)
AWFUL movie: So bad you can't even laugh at it
This film will ruin your day. It is so bad that I almost couldn't even muster the energy or find the motivation to write this review because the very act of watching the whole movie hurt my soul. It's so disappointing that it makes one question not just the nature but the very purpose of movie-making. Think of all the wonderful sci-fi programming that has been cancelled after one or two seasons, yet this big-budget abomination was somehow given the green light?
It starts off well enough with the usual earth-in-crisis scenario. Yes, the whole "earth is dying and we must look to space to save humanity" concept has been done a million times before, but it can still be fertile ground to explore. Sadly,, this movie fails miserably.
I'm not even sure how to describe this film - about halfway through, it just goes off the rails and descends into utter nonsense, as if the writers got halfway in and then had no idea how to get out. I would post spoilers, but the movie turns so incredibly bad and so irredeemably idiotic that I'm not sure readers would believe me even if i wrote a detailed synopsis. Let me just say, without giving anything away, that the main character, who is played by the same actor who headed the cast of another big-budget humanity-in-space movie, turns a certain color that would have you howling with laughter if all the oxygen in your brain hadn't already been drained by the inane, insipid writing. And the ending - O Lordy, the ending - I would have laughed out loud if the film hadn't already killed all the joy in the universe long before then.
This movie just sucks the life out of watching film. You want to laugh at how bad it is, but all you can do is cry and sink into a deep depressive state. Forget the plot - the fact that this movie itself was ever written and made will make you question whether humanity deserves to survive. 1 star because that's as low as imdb allows.
Kaleidoscope (2023)
Solid heist caper ruined by dumb "twist"
First, the good: The non-linear story was not an issue, as each episode stood fine on its own. Similarly, the acting is top-notch, and while the "impregnable vault" heist story has been done a million times before, it still made a compelling narrative here.
So with a decent concept, an interesting format, and good acting, why doesn't this series ultimately work better? Because despite all the interesting build-up and framing, and all the growing tension and mystery, the writers seem to have forgotten the payoff, and just went with the dumbest twist/double-cross they could muster. After hours of set-up and anticipation, and wondering who was getting away with the heist, if you guessed that almost the whole crew would be dead, and none of them would end up with anything from the heist, then you picked the same dumb, anticlimactic, unsatisfying, and pointless "twist"'as the writers. And if you further guessed that the sassy, young daughter turned out to be the double-crosser, by means of a completely ridiculous and unrealistic scheme that could never have actually worked, then yep, you picked the same dumb trope as the writers. Hey, guess what - after 7 hours, it turns out it's not a heist story at all - it's the story of a young woman's self-actualization and empowerment against The Man! And too bad for all the crew who had to die so she could prove just what an awesomely empowered young woman she is! Silly you for spending hours watching the years of set-up and planning of the robbery, only to get, like the crew, no payoff at all, unless you were looking for a self-help guide to being a smug, sassy young woman sticking it to everyone else just because, I guess.
Solid build-up foiled by a really stupid, nonsensical reveal.
Babylon (2022)
Great film-making, but not a great film
There's a lot to like about Babylon, especially the
on-set scenes of early film-making, and the score is fantastic. And the three leads are great. Ultimately, however, despite the best efforts of its stars, the movie tries too hard to be everything, everywhere, all at once, and can't quite decide what it wants to be. Is it a dark comedy, a satirical commentary, a serious melodrama, or a gratuitous freak-show? Or does it want to be all of them all at once? I don't mind a multi-layered movie, but over 3+ hours, this lack of coherence really grates. One moment a scene is being played as quirky, tongue-in-cheek, almost slap-stick comedy, only to swing to over-wrought, over-done drama in the next breath. One moment a scene is subtly and effectively satirizing Hollywood, only to shift suddenly and wildly into pontificating with all the subtlety of a fire truck. I suppose one could claim that being all over the place may be part of the point, but i think that gives the filmmaker's intentions too much credit. Part funny, part brilliant, part bloated, part reminiscent of exploitative trash, this movie is just a bit too much of a mess for more than 6 stars. You'll be glad you saw it, but not sure if you liked it or learned anything.
The Anarchists (2022)
Island of Misfit Toys
Good God - What a train wreck of humanity. This is a compelling documentary - but compelling in the way that one cannot tear oneself away from viewing the scene of a horrible accident. It's a well-done setup, but unfortunately for the filmmakers, the subjects of this documentary are so unlikeable, so cluelessly self-absorbed, and so irredeemably stupid that there is little enlightenment on offer and even less sympathy to give. Anarchists? Hardly - just a motley crew of drug dealers, fakes, frauds, charlatans, and other assorted liars, scammers, and narcissistic idiots. Anarchy as a way of life may already be nothing but a pipe dream for the hopelessly clueless, but if this cast of drug-addled imbeciles, hippies, and meth-heads, and the crypto scammers for whom they serve as useful idiots are any indication, that pipe dream is further away from reality than ever. So kudos to the filmmakers for the effort, but ultimately, one is left not asking, "Who did it?" but rather "Who cares?"
The Beatles: Get Back (2021)
Insightful and Powerful, but Strangely Revealing
Amazing documentary - what a treat to go behind the scenes of the creative process, as well as to glimpse the band in unguarded, genuine, and sometimes very personal moments. I give this a 10/10 for giving us a peek behind the curtain and revealing the amazing chemistry and friendship among the lads. I have new respect for all four of them, especially for Paul's undeniable musical genius, but also for the criminally underrated Ringo, who really shines here both as a consummate professional and as the glue that holds them all together.
All that being said, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the one omnipresent, distracting issue with virtually every single scene - Yoko Ono, a constant presence intruding in and haunting the band's space like a very pale, very creepy ghoul. Her ghostly form is ALWAYS there, everywhere, all the time, even when no other guests are around, like a poltergeist tethered to the band and unable to move on to a different plane. I knew, of course, all the stories of Yoko being glued to John's side, but I never got a true sense of it until watching 8 hours of this documentary. She is quite literally on his hip at all times, in all spaces. If John sat in the studio, her chair was against his; if he was at the piano, she sat on the bench with him; if he went to the control room, she sat with him. It's really, really weird and creepy. Yes, the occasional other guest flittered in and out, but they were there for a short time and almost always sat to the side or in the back. Yoko, on the other hand, sits right with the band at all times, hour after hour, day after day. Worst of all, we have to listen to her unbearable, incoherent screeching like a demented banshee into the miscrophone in Parts 1, 2, and 3, taking her role as the band's personal ghoul to a new level. Yes, there were clearly other tensions among the band, and most fans believe they were drifting apart anyway, but if these 8 hours of footage are any indication, only a lunatic would say she wasn't a distraction or deny she added a weird, creepy vibe to these sessions.
So 10/10 to this miniseries for giving us such an intimate look at the amazing creative process of these icons, and (perhaps inadvertently) revealing Yoko as the very odd, distracting, and bizarre presence so many of us have long suspected..
Loki: For All Time. Always. (2021)
May Set Up Future MCU, But A Very Disappointing Episode
After a solid season, and following Ep. 5, which was by far the best episode of the season, Ep. 6 was a major disappointment and a complete dud. Instead of continuing the approach of humor, wit, and action that made the previous episodes so good, Ep. 6 focused almost entirely on trying to set up future franchises. Note that all the hyper-positive reviews are all about the set-up for future films/shows instead of about the episode itself - that speaks volumes, just like the characters in this dialog-heavy, exposition-heavy snooze-fest. All the fun, humor, and promise of the rest of the season was tossed aside so the characters could stand around talking seriously for 45 minutes - that's not a joke or an exaggeration. In fact, nearly 2/3 of the episode are the same 3 characters in the same position on the same set just talking dramatically, solely to set up other Marvel projects instead of serving THIS project. Ep. 5 was a 10, but this bore was a 2 at best, and a 2 only because it still looks pretty.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
Blunder Woman
WW84 is so bad that it gives WWI and WWII a run as worst WW. Embarrassingly bad. Expected a gritty, entertaining superhero film - got a nonsensical, campy, disjointed, cringe-worthy slop-fest of preaching and bad special effects. Just awful - really, really awful. Don't know if we can blame COVID, but this was a mess of bad scenes, bad dialog, and bad editing. It looked like an unfinished, low-budget TV show with just awful, awful writing. After how good the first WW was, this was a huge disappointment.
Rent (2005)
Needs a sequel - has not aged well
"Rent II: Foreclosure," the bittersweet tale of a man who invested every penny he had into a building in an up-and-coming neighborhood, only to face financial ruin because he could not afford to pay the taxes, insurance, maintenance, and permit and inspection fees on the building because a group of deadbeat squatters wouldn't pay rent on their vast loft unit. Act I ends with the show-stopping song, "1,576,800 Minutes," a tribute to the amount of time since the squatters paid their rent, as the bank's attorneys and sheriffs deputies descend upon our tragic figure. Act II details the foreclosure court proceedings, complete with the rousing number "Personal Guaranty (The Deficiency Song)," wherein a company of dancing loan officers reminds the man that all of his family's personal assets will be taken, too, to make up for any shortfall. Act III opens with the soulful "Light My Candle," as the man, in an act of pure desperation, tries to burn down the building for the insurance proceeds, only to be foiled because the candle flame is extinguished when he throws it onto a urine-soaked rug in the squatters" unit. Despondent, the man realizes he is out of options. The bank soon forecloses on the building, and the man is forced to file for bankruptcy, whereupon his wife leaves him, taking his daughter with her to live out of state, where he can not afford to visit her. In an ironic twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, the man eventually finds himself squatting in the very building he once owned, but finally finds redemption when he punches a singing hippie in the throat and face, allowing sweet, sweet silence to descend upon the building at long last. Slow fade to black as our hero, now himself reduced to wearing tatters and covered in sores, drifts into a peaceful sleep on a cold concrete floor, blissfully smiling, two of the warbling hobo's teeth still embedded in his knuckles.
Alien: Covenant (2017)
A film worthy of being sent into deep space and shot out an airlock
I really have to admire Mr. Scott. I didn't think it was possible to make a film worse than the nonsensical, imbecilic, rambling, disjointed, pseudo-religious, laughable mess that was "Prometheus," yet somehow, the dedicated Mr. Scott managed to do so remarkably easily. So, congrats, Ridley - you've made a film so bad it makes your truly horrendous previous effort look good by comparison. Quite an accomplishment. Good on ya, mate.
I will give Scott credit for one worthy effort, however. While we are so often presented with visions of distopian futures where humanity is reduced to a brutal game of survival of the fittest, it is laudable that Mr. Scott instead chose to portray a brighter, happier, more just and equitable future in which the mentally challenged, the mentally unstable, and the mentally incompetent are not locked away, cast aside, or institutionalized, but where, despite their severe cognitive and emotional disabilities, they can nonetheless aspire to become captains and first mates, science officers, and engineers on the most important, expensive deep-space missions ever conceived. Portraying that kind of progessive corporate culture from the Weyland Corp is a rare, wondrous vision indeed. Kudos, Mr. Scott - people at the furthest, lowest reaches of the spectrum deserve employment on multi-billion dollar space ventures, too. Thank you for your brave portrayal of the non-discrimination policies of the future.
The only remaining question is whether Scott, if given the chance, can somehow make the next Alien film even worse than this abomination. I believe he can. I believe in your ability to sink even lower, Mr. Scott, because I choose to believe.
Twin Peaks: The Return: Part 8 (2017)
Lynch has lost the plot
Lynch has really lost the plot . . . literally. The small promise finally shown for at least parts of Episode 7 has given way once again to more self-indulgent, self-referential, masturbatory nonsense contributing nothing to the story or even to the general mood of the series. One gets the feeling that Lynch has forgotten that this is an episodic television show rather than a series of one-off avant-garde film school projects. I've been a huge fan of Lynch for his uncanny and almost unmatched ability to create images that can be beautiful, haunting, and frighteningly disturbing at the same time, and to find the sublime in the mundane or weird. But rather than using weirdness as a vehicle to compliment the narrative, Lynch has become a mere exhibitionist, elevating weirdness just for the sake of weirdness. I'm not sure which is more disappointing -- Lynch apparently losing the ability to tell a really fascinating story, or all the fan-boys who flock to these reviews to post their self-laudatory bunk as they desperately try to convince us that the emperor's new clothes are truly spectacular. Unfortunately for them, the proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this pudding is a rancid, mushy mess. If I could give this episode and this series a negative rating, I would.
Twin Peaks: The Return: Part 5 (2017)
Interesting, but there's something missing
I'm not sure if "enjoyable"' is the right word for this series yet, since so much is still unknown, and so many of the characters and stories are still almost completely undeveloped, but it is interesting, I guess. But what puzzles me is not what is in the series so far, but what is not: the music. Did they run out of money for a proper soundtrack with proper music? A big part of the mood and appeal of the original series was the almost perfect use of both an atmospheric, haunting score with some quirky, funky, jazz and swing music to set the various scenes. Here, we get the occasional atmospheric, moody background noise, and . . . nothing else, just silence. Painful, awkward silence in scene after scene. Even scenes meant to be darkly funny instead come off as just painful, awkward, and unfunny because they are completely silent -- no backing music at all. Nothing to set the mood. Nothing to punctuate the humor. Just awkward, boring silence in scene after scene. I don't need constant musical cues, but the absolute silence in scene after scene thus far has gone beyond interesting or unsettling to just plain empty and boring. Given the phenomenal use of music in the original series, this is a puzzling choice. Did they not have the budget this time around? Did someone forget to add the music during post-production? There's good weird, and then there's just weird. The lack of music is the latter.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
A decent ride, but filled with too many stupid people behaving stupidly
A decently fun adventure ride, but other than the character played by Jeff Goldblum and a couple others, this film is filled with some the stupidest supposed "scientists, "business people," and "hunters" ever to walk the earth. Obviously, a film about dinosaurs requires a massive suspension of disbelief, but that doesn't mean most of the characters should be completely incompetent imbeciles. With countless billions of dollars at stake, InGen sends ONE intelligent guy, Pete Postlethwaite's character, but sends him with dozens of incompetent, mindless fools for support? And Julianne Moore's main character? WORST. SCIENTIST. EVER. She spends half the film annoyingly preaching about not interfering with nature, yet the other half interfering in the most obvious and worst possible ways. She professes to be an expert at tracking and avoiding predators, yet does everything possible to make sure the predators know exactly where she is? Ugh -- her character is truly cringe-inducing.
So, while the movie is kind of fun, it's only fun if you turn off your brain. A late-night or ugly- weather film. 5/10.
Jarhead (2005)
Phenomenal movie
Hadn't seen "Jarhead" in a while until I recently re-watched it. It not only holds up very well, it reminded me of just what a phenomenal film it is -- not just a fine war film, but a great film, period. Those complaining that it "goes nowhere" or that the main character "doesn't take a stand" are missing the point: War, and particularly the Gulf War, is not like an action movie, It is often morally ambiguous and confusing, and for those on the ground, war isn't about "taking a stand" -- it's about following orders, training in mind-numbing repetition, and long stretches of sheer boredom punctuated by moments of the sheer terror always lurking just beneath the surface. Despite this grunts-eye-view perspective, however, "Jarhead" serves as a great commentary on the insanity of war and of the policies behind it.
All philosophical commentary aside, the film is worth watching and merits a high rating solely for the fantastic performances by almost the entire supporting cast, with special kudos to Jamie Foxx as the hard-nosed, cool, yet sometime exasperated Sergeant, and Lucas Black as the policy-questioning, conspiracy-minded member of the platoon. I've enjoyed Lucas Black in almost every film he's been in, but I think his nuanced performance here is perhaps his finest ever. His character's non-responsive interview with the media is one of the funniest scenes in film history, and he conveys his character's traits and viewpoint flawlessly -- all without saying a single word. His wandering glances and annoyed expression had me rolling on the floor. I kid you not -- one of the great comic moments in film history. Even if you don't enjoy war movies, or don't like films with political messages, watch it just for the buildup to that scene.
That scene gets 10/10 stars; overall, I give the film 9 out of 10.
Antichrist (2009)
Ludicrous Bunch of Pretentious Tosh
At the outset, I will give this film 2 stars for its technical skill -- it's beautifully shot.
Unfortunately, that's about it for the positives. This film has all the subtlety of a fire truck, and its purported "deep" metaphors are delivered with all the nuance and insight of a sledgehammer to the skull. A descent from depression to madness? Wow -- how original. The unyielding harshness of nature? Um, yeah -- how unique. It's been done before, and done 1,000 times better. At the end of the day, this film illuminates absolutely nothing about the human condition, deciding instead to go for shock and disgust value rather than engaging in or stimulating any actual intellectual inquiry.
This is the "Madonna" of LVT's career -- shock for shock value only.
Prometheus (2012)
Worst Sci-Fi Movie Ever
Prometheus is a visually stunning but intellectually insulting, scientifically laughable, and philosophically vapid piece of money-inspired, fake-science-promoting, Christianist garbage of the worst kind. If I could rate this film at -10 stars, I would, for it is that poorly written. I can't imagine how many tens of millions of dollars Mr. Scott has made or will make from this film, but for his sake, I hope he finds his financial gain satisfying, because he has taken a giant, dollar-signed dump all over his "Alien" legacy.
I will not belabor to recite all of the countless, ludicrous plot holes and ridiculously undeveloped characters so ably documented by many previous reviewers. I will, however, join the chorus of viewers who have commented on the horrible, almost painfully unwatchable behavior exhibited in this "film," if it even deserves to be called that rather than just a mash-up of random scenes and random, undeveloped and idiotic ideas. Suffice it to say that the characters act, react, and talk so illogically and unrealistically, and engage in such stupid, unbelievable, and inexplicable behavior throughout this film that it would be laughable were it not so disappointing. In virtually every scene in the film, there are multiple "WTF" moments, where one is left slack-jawed wondering how anyone, much less scientists and space explorers, would behave and speak as they are written in this abomination.
The biggest "WTF," however, is reserved for the question of how writing this poor -- no, this mind-numbingly horrible -- ever made it near a film with a budget approaching $200 million. $200 million freaking dollars, yet it is written like the free association ramblings of a ten-year-old Pokemon addict hopped up on Red Bull and Mountain Dew. And this, ultimately, is why this vapid piece of junk should be given -10 stars, and why it is the worst sci-fi film EVER. With a budget so astronomically large to permit such truly beautiful, stunning visuals, the fact that it employs a screenplay of such horrendous quality makes this movie far, far worse than the worst of the low-budget B-movies where we might expect or even be entertained by such terrible writing. With an "epic" movie like "Prometheus," however, it borders on criminal negligence.
A lazy, insulting, but pretty-looking piece of garbage. This isn't a pig with lipstick -- this is rancid pork renderings with some lipstick.