jamjohnx3 Reviews

Leave the World Behind (2023)

Buildup with little payoff

[7/10 · 4 January 2024]

Based on the book by Rumaan Alam, Leave the World Behind is the story of two families forced to coexist in a posh house while surviving a series of mysterious, catastrophic events befalling America.

Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke are Amanda and Clay Sandford, a misanthropic wife and much more chill husband. Amanda makes the sudden decision to rent a vacation home on Long Island and takes the family along. Their daughter Rose is obsessed with the TV show Friends, and their son Archie is the typical rude and horny teenager. Their vacation takes a sudden turn when an oil tanker crashes on the beach. That night they are startled when the homeowner, Mahershala Ali's George and his daughter Ruth, arrive looking for shelter after things go awry in the city. Egos clash as Ruth has no tolerance for Amanda's acerbic personality, but George and Ruth are allowed to stay for the night. Things only escalate from there as internet, phones, and TV signals die out. Animals begin behaving erratically and there are strange weather patterns. Are these signs of a cyber attack? An invasion? Something biblical? Uh... don't hold your breath on a clear answer. Kevin Bacon is here too as the survivalist Danny, but he's an extended cameo at best. This is a bottle movie that mostly takes place in one location with a handful of characters.

The problem with Leave the World Behind is that it's almost entirely buildup to a payoff that doesn't exist. There is no closure. The plot goes out of its way to raise as many questions about the nature of the catastrophe as possible, and then puts just as much energy into avoiding providing any real answers. You will get speculation from the characters at best. Movies don't need to answer every question, but you don't want your audience to feel like their time was wasted once the credits roll. This movie feels like it ends in the middle of the third act.

That said, this isn't actually a bad movie. It's well shot, the performances are fine (no one was given a lot to work with), music choices in the first half are fire, it does build suspense, etc. There just isn't a lot of substance to go with it. We get something that's closer to glimpses into these characters rather than any real development or arcs. Amanda thaws out a bit and is self-aware of her abrasiveness. Clay goes from chill to freaked all the way out. George's optimism shrivels away as he reveals that he thinks things are much worse than any of them anticipated. Nothing really changes with the kids. Leave the World Behind is more of a misfire, some wasted potential rather than an outright disaster. I've never read the book, but it was well-received. Maybe this concept just works better on paper? Either way, not Sam Esmail's best.

Sing (2016)

Diary of a Charlatan

[7/10 · 2 May 2023]

I saw the original Sing not long after it came out. To me it was Illumination's best effort, not great but avoiding many of the pitfalls of their other movies. I didn't give it much of a critical eye but did enjoy rooting for the characters to achieve their goals, and even gave Buster a free pass for his bankrupt morals. Sing 2 came years later and I wasn't quite as enamored with the sequel despite of it going bigger and louder, and adding some great new characters (what they did to Jimmy Crystal was criminal, he deserves better). I appreciate the generally lowkey character moments and backstories that the sequel sort of abandoned, but the truth for both movies is that Buster Moon is the biggest thorn in this franchise's side. But things started to fall in place for me once I came to accept a theory that isn't wholly original but was solidified by Buster's behavior in the sequel: Buster Moon is a villain protagonist.

Sing is the story of a struggling theater producer and a menagerie of characters that find salvation to their personal struggles through the power of song. Buster Moon finds himself in dire financial straits after a long string of flops at his theater scares his benefactors into pulling out. With the bank on the verge of seizing his crumbling theater, Buster cooks up a last-ditch scheme to save it: put on a singing competition. We are then introduced to a group of hopefuls: Johnny the gorilla is a sensitive soul with a gangster father pulling him into a life of crime, but all he wants to do is sing. Rosita the pig is a housewife that gave up her dream to raise her family, an arc that might be slightly undercut by the fact that she has, no joke, twenty-five kids. Ash the porcupine must find a way to express her true self after decoupling from her unfaithful, gaslighting boyfriend Lance. Meena the elephant has a booming voice but is deeply shy and too afraid to perform when it matters. Mike the mouse is the designated jerk with a velvet voice, a schemer that must discover if singing is his true calling. Gunter the pig talks in a funny voice and dabbles in comic relief. Yeah, that one got the short end of the stick, but at least he has some moments of emotional intelligence.

Besides the characters' individual struggles, the main conflict arises when the $1000 prize is misprinted as $100k by Buster's bumbling assistant Ms. Crawly. Buster then engages in a house of cards scheme by trying to woo his best friend's rich grandmother, theater legend Nana Noodleman, into fronting the prize money. Along the way, Buster commits a litany of petty crimes and shows a strong aversion to telling the truth before it all blows up in his face in spectacular fashion.

Sing doesn't particularly excel at anything, but it is a comfy movie. The story is unambitious but humble and feels like there was a passion for old Hollywood movies about putting on a show to save a theater or something like that. The music selection is wide and definitely feels like it was trying to appeal to more than just kids. Character designs aren't great, with almost random proportions that make the characters feel like they were designed for a different medium before being haphazardly slapped into a CG feature without much grace or care. Zootopia is much better about designing anthropomorphic animal characters, with a world built to fit them. Sing's world is literally just our world with no regard for the wide amount of shapes and sizes for its population. I'm not sure if this generic setting is a result of Illumination's famously restrained budgets or a complete lack of desire from the creative team to do any world building.

The movie flops a bit when it comes to how non-committal it is to its narratives and character arcs. Sing has what I call "passable in the moment" writing: It's mostly working when you watch it, but if you think about anything for more than 5 seconds, it just doesn't make any sense. The conflict between Johnny and his dad is the most popular arc in the movie and a prime example. When Johnny's dad rejects him for singing, there's no given reason behind his actions. He just does. And when they reconcile, it comes off as a bit absurd, because why was he against his son singing in the first place? Nobody knows! This really extends to just about anything resembling conflict in this movie. Most problems just... work themselves out. Meena's shy until she isn't. The plot doesn't explore why she's shy or some plan to overcome it... people just tell her to stop being shy until she isn't, then everything works itself out. This movie's threadbare theme of believing in yourself is quite literal, because at no point do any of these characters engage in hard work or intelligent thought when it comes to problem solving. They believe, and then everything just works out.

Sing's biggest weakness is its protagonist. Buster Moon exists in a space of sentimentality and fluff, where morals sorta do but really don't matter. I think protagonists should have flaws, especially in kid-friendly material, because those characters make mistakes, learn from them, and grow into better people. The problem here is that Sing wants to have its cake and eat it too when it comes to Buster. He does unequivocally terrible things that hurts other characters but never goes through the stage of growth that includes acknowledging what you did wrong, apologizing, making amends, and taking steps to be better - and prospers in spite of this. This isn't a fluke in this movie; Buster's misdeeds continue in Sing 2 when he starts the movie off by defrauding Jimmy Crystal in what was a good faith business deal on Crystal's part. Crystal is one of the few characters to call Buster's bad behavior out and is horribly vilified by the movie in response, despite not doing much of anything villainous for most of the narrative. This is around the time I started to sour on Buster as a character. It feels manipulative that the gorilla disowned by his parent or the elephant struggling with stage fright can't succeed unless the con artist exploiting them does too. A sleazy theater owner taking advantage of a bunch of wide-eyed dreamers would undoubtedly be a villain character in any other story. His happy ending is just given to him on a silver platter - he didn't really earn it, and he learned nothing from the mistakes he made. Not every character needs to be a role model, but Buster is definitely a terrible one.

Despite its many warts, I feel like Sing is the blueprint for Illumination to make better movies, because it actually tries when it comes to character and narrative. They... don't seem to be following that blueprint, but with a third Sing movie on the horizon, it's never too late to learn. With all the money they rake in, there's no reason not to try to be better beyond pure hubris.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022)

A Dreamworks Renaissance

[9/10 · 3 April 2023]

Admittedly, I stopped paying too much attention to Dreamworks' animated slate in the mid-2010's, especially when Trolls and The Boss Baby rolled around, but it's pretty clear between Puss in Boots: The Last Wish and The Bad Guys that something has recently changed. Call it a shake up, a shot in the arm, or a renaissance, but they've put the competition on notice with a duo of movies that are heartfelt, funny, well-written, and visually exquisite.

The Last Wish comes over ten years after the first Puss in Boots movie, but it honestly doesn't matter. The only thing I really remember from the first movie was Humpty Dumpty's nightmare fuel-inducing human face. TLW is written in a way that makes it easy to get into the plot and characters without having watched the first Puss in Boots movie or even any of the Shreks.

In this movie, Puss is continuing his adventures, saving towns and spreading his legend when he dies after fighting a giant. Luckily for him, cats have nine lives, but the local doctor tells him that he's down to his ninth and final life after losing the previous eight in reckless and frivolous scenarios. Puss is barely fazed by this news until he's attacked in a bar by a sickle-wielding wolf that nearly kills him. Puss is so badly shaken that he retires at an elderly woman's home for cats. Puss's salvation comes in the form of the wishing star - whoever finds it can wish for what they want most, and Puss can get his lives back. Problem is, everybody else wants the star too. Jack Horner has the map to the star, and it's also being pursued by Puss's ex, Kitty Softpaws, as well as Goldilocks and the three bears crime family. Rounding out the cast is Perrito the eccentric puppy, who could have fallen into the annoying sidekick trap but ends up being one of the biggest sources of emotion in the movie. With the wolf stalking Puss to finish what he started, it becomes a rat race to see who can get the wish first, but ultimately ends up being something much more mature and satisfying by the end.

This movie is a masterclass in pretty much everything it does, but the two standouts for me are the visuals and writing. TLW takes cues from Into the Spiderverse with kinetic, sometimes low framerate action sequences. This can sound jarring for someone that hasn't seen this before, but it absolutely works in execution. The art style is something else completely, going for a fairy tale-esque painterly look. I imagine there will be a lot of freeze frames from the digital release, because this movie looks that stunning. I saw screenshots I actually thought were concept art until I actually watched the movie. The updated character designs shouldn't go unnoticed either; returning characters are instantly recognized but tweaked in a way that just makes them look so much better than the sometimes-ugly photorealism from the older Shrek movies.

The characters really deliver here. There are three antagonistic forces, and of the three, only Jack Horner is actually a villain, and he straddles of line between despicable and hilarious throughout the movie. The wolf is cool and oddly charismatic even when he's traumatizing Puss. Goldilocks has a sympathetic backstory that tugs on the heartstrings. Perhaps the biggest surprise to me was Puss himself. Puss in Boots is not a character that I thought needed to experience growth and vulnerability, but I'm so glad they went there and elevated this character. There's been a lot of dropped balls when it comes to character writing in recent animated movies - watching Puss experience introspection and grow through the journey was such a breath of fresh air after Sing 2 doubled down on making Buster Moon a con artist that gets rewarded for lying and cheating, and instead of having that character learn from and own up to his mistakes, they introduced and wasted Jimmy Crystal as a scapegoat "villain" that ends up suffering the brunt of the audience's hate for a conflict he didn't even create. Puss's development actually respects the audience and sends the message to kids that what we want isn't necessarily the same thing as what we need.

There's no such thing as a perfect movie but there are movies whose flaws are so minor they aren't worth mentioning. I have a good feeling this movie is going to stay in my rotation. It's a modern classic, and I want to see this level of energy, inspiration and ingenuity keep coming out of the big animation studios. It pretty much flies in the face of arguments that insists that animation is only for children, or that animation studios shouldn't even try to make great movies.

Moonfall (2022)

A True Emmerich Disaster (Movie)

[4/10 · 5 February 2023]

Roland Emmerich has wrecked the Earth apart several times over in his career, but this time he's blaming it on the Moon. Moonfall's premise is that there's a hostile presence inside of the moon and it's throwing it into a crash course with the Earth in order to exterminate humanity. It also has all the staple Emmerich character archetypes: high-ranking female official with baggage, (ex) military/government divorced dad that hates his ex-wife's new husband almost as much as he loves his kid(s), eccentric conspiracy theorist that figured out what was going on before everybody else but no one would listen to him, emo son with strained paternal relationship, etc. There's even the obligatory pet. Some details get shuffled around now and then, but we've seen these characters multiple times over. And the problem with these characters extends to the rest of the movie: everything is lifeless and half-baked.

It's all a bit dire. A story about the moon heading for the Earth should be a rollicking good time. And there are some sparks of creativity here and there. But everything from the acting to the plotting is just phoned in. There is no tension or build up before things go south. The first big disaster sequence kind of just casually happens. And there's no reason to root for any of the characters; most of them are dour, black holes of charisma. Several characters get introduced and just vanish. A few somewhat important characters die unceremoniously... if the main characters don't care that this person is dead, why should we? There's even a character named Karen that shows up to be a nuisance for around 30 seconds. Very strong "how do you do fellow kids" vibes.

This movie suffers pretty much all the pitfalls as the Independence Day sequel, though I would say Moonfall is a little less bad. I don't expect disaster movies to be cinematic masterpieces, but they at least have to be good at what they do. And to think this one also has the audacity to end on a sequel hook, if you can call it that.

The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue (1998 Video)

What were they thinking?

[3/10 · 3 May 2022]

The Secret of NIMH was a masterclass in animation, a perfect storm of opportunity and talent that's considered Don Bluth's masterpiece for a reason. It seemed destined to be one of those cult classic movies that everyone would lament not getting a proper follow up but would eventually acknowledge and respect that this was a lightning in a bottle moment, and it was better as a one-off. Then I wake up and remember I live in the timeline where, sixteen years later and without Bluth, MGM pushed out a sequel.

Timmy to the Rescue begins by recapping the first movie with the sudden addition of an inexplicable prophecy from Nicodemus that says a son of Jonathan Brisby will save Thorn Valley from the threat of NIMH. Mrs. Brisby, the heroine of the first movie, is reduced to a footnote in Jonathan's story, "respectfully" referred to as "Jonathan's widow." For unknown reasons, it's decided that Timmy was the son the prophecy spoke of. Martin is torn, deeply jealous of his younger brother while also wanting to support him. Jeremy takes Timmy to Thorn Valley where he spends years doing hero training which mostly consists of menial labor and getting his ego inflated by praise from the population for heroics he's yet to achieve.

Timmy finally gets his chance to prove himself when he meets Jenny, a mouse that escaped from NIMH. She tells him that there are others still trapped there including Martin, and that there's some evil plan in the works. When Thorn Valley's council decides a rescue mission is too risky, Timmy and Jenny strike off to do it themselves. When they reach NIMH, they discover the startling (and controversial) truth: Martin, having been turned insane by experiments, outwitted Dr. Valentine and the humans running NIMH, reducing their minds to putty and taking over the facility in the process. He's building an army of brainwashed animals to take over Thorn Valley because... he's crazy, I guess?

The Secret of NIMH 2 feels like it was created by someone that really hated the first movie and decided that they were just going to like... do the exact opposite of everything for the sequel. The dark, alluring world of the original was replaced with bright open spaces and cheeriness. Magic and mystery are nowhere to be found. All the original characters are either shadows of their former selves or reduced to cameos (or missing entirely). Also, there are songs. Many songs. They basically tried, and failed, to Disney-fy this movie. Frankly, everything is just, well, worse.

Putting aside the sloppy animation, forgettable songs and adequate-at-best voice acting, the movie's biggest failing is its not-so-good plot with not-so-good characters. The vague prophecy about Timmy's destiny is forced down the audience's throat. Unfortunately, he never really lives up to it. Timmy spends most of his time not listening to smarter characters and then something bad happens as a result. "Why didn't I listen!" is uttered so many times it might as well be his catchphrase. Despite acknowledging that he screwed up, he does not learn or grow from his mistakes. Jenny slides back and forth between being a damsel and Miss Independent. Most of the new characters are various shades of comic relief.

I somehow love and hate the Martin twist at the same time. He's the only remotely interesting thing in the movie, and his villain song works because it's zany and Eric Idle is having a blast voicing him. The moments between Martin and Timmy are the only things remotely resembling tension. But at the same time, I have to wonder... why? I feel like there was enough tension between Timmy and Martin early on that they didn't have to make him some evil psycho. Maybe he could have been playing some long con or was misunderstood. Also, crazy isn't necessarily evil! Martin wanting to take over Thorn Valley makes no sense; they're just making him do it because it's the worst thing they can make him do. Funny enough, due to the sloppy writing, Martin taking down Dr. Valentine means that he pretty much fulfilled the prophecy. Everybody groomed Timmy into being his father's successor, but it was actually the forgotten Martin that saved them all. A better written movie may have leaned into this.

Secret of NIMH2's biggest contribution to the world is teaching how not to make a sequel.

Sing 2 (2021)

Was Jimmy Crystal Wrong? Buster scams his way into showbiz.

[5/10 · 7 January 2022]

I don't hold anywhere near the scorn a lot of people have for Illumination. I'm willing to judge their movies individually. I thought the first Sing was all right. I rooted for Buster and friends to achieve their dreams and save the theater. Sing 2 initially looks like the first movie on steroids - and in superficial ways, it is - but it uses a rollercoaster of glitz and music to cover up hackneyed writing, squandered character work and mixed messaging. Newcomer Jimmy Crystal is a prime example of how the movie fails its characters and its own messaging.

Buster Moon and his crew earned their happy endings at the end of the first Sing by putting on the performance of their lives, saving the Moon Theater in the process. You would be forgiven for assuming they lived happily ever after. Sing 2 begins with Buster's ego nowhere near satiated. The New Moon Theater is a roaring success, but Buster is restless and unsatisfied. Suki, a talent scout for media mogul Jimmy Crystal, sees the crew's latest show and is less than impressed. She tells Buster that he'd never make it in Redshore City, Sing's Vegas equivalent. Buster's ego is so deeply wounded that he needs a pep talk from Nana. Running on a fresh supply of "you just gotta believe in yourself," Buster rounds up the gang (Mike and Eddie are MIA) and heads to the big city with his new, real dream: taking Redshore by storm. After breaking into Crystal's property and crashing the auditions, the gang is immediately rejected by Crystal. Gunter namedrops reclusive rock legend Clay Calloway and, having gained Crystal's attention, Buster senses a weakness and immediately runs a con on him by improvising a show called "Out of this World" that will be anchored by Calloway. Crystal falls for this and gives them three weeks of his time, money and resources to make this happen. Sing 2 then immediately launches into an overstuffed, frenetic redo of the original movie, sending Buster and the gang on new jukeboxed journeys of self-discovery, but without any introspection.

Sing 2's major addition over the predecessor is the presence of an antagonist. Crystal is a wealthy narcissist with a mean streak and a spoiled daughter. And... that's pretty much it. He has no character development or backstory. What he does have is a hackneyed pile of villain tropes. The same way these movies have an almost AI-like construction of scenes that make you sympathize and cheer for the protagonists, almost every encounter with Crystal is overt in its need for you to dislike him. Every interesting or redeeming quality he has is contradicted with needless acts of cruelty. Oh, you thought he was an overprotective father? Can't have that! Even when he's in the right, his position is discredited from his disproportionate reactions. His vilification is so relentless it feels like a hit piece. I even struggle to call him a villain. Villains scheme, they cheat, they're diametrically opposed to the hero. Crystal doesn't do any of those things, he's technically not even Buster's enemy; they have the same goals. He has little agency in the plot, instead reacting to Buster's blunders and being generally disconnected from the narrative. This leads to another strange facet of the writing - Crystal often has reasonable cause to be irate with Buster, and is decisions are often backed logically and legally. It's a common meme to stan a villain and claim they did nothing wrong, but... Jimmy Crystal literally does nothing wrong until the last 30 minutes of the movie. And once he finally does cross that line, it's completely illogical and irrational. A horrible thing done for the sake of shock and drama that's detrimental to himself especially.

Most of the conflict in this movie is Buster's fault, but our criticism and scorn are always being redirected at Crystal. One of the best examples is the scene where Crystal confronts Buster in his office when he discovers he's being scammed. This should have led to Buster reconciling with the awful thing he did and growing as a character. What happens instead is that, despite being completely justified in his anger, Crystal is portrayed as unhinged and unreasonable; Buster gains all the sympathy and leaves that encounter shaken, but not having learned his lesson. It's here that Crystal goes from being irritable to potentially dangerous. No matter how much of a jerk the movie makes Crystal out to be, this was a legit business deal and he broke Buster and his friends into the Redshore theater industry. He was effectively punished for helping the protagonist, and then vilified by the narrative for holding him accountable! Baffling writing choice.

The rest of the cast doesn't escape this hamfisted writing, either. The returning characters are static. If you want to learn new things and see new sides to them, you're out of luck. Johnny's learning how to dance! Meena has a crush! Ash is a big fan of Calloway! Rosita is afraid of heights (more a character trait than arc, but whatever). Gunter is Gunter. This works for preschooler animation but Sing 2 should be punching higher just as its predecessor did. Their subplots were much more compelling in the first movie. The new characters, like Crystal, have no backstories or development (other than Porsha, who becomes less of a brat overnight). They serve their designated protagonist and then hover around until the climax. Calloway is supposed to be the real emotional core here but, also like Crystal, he's isolated from much of the cast and plot, treated more like a macguffin than anything. This movie is simply doing too much with too many characters.

And then there's Buster. Let me reiterate on a major plot - Buster lies and successfully grifts Jimmy Crystal into bankrolling his made-up show promising the involvement of a rock star he never met. This is fraud and can range from misdemeanor to a felony punishable with jail time. Kids, don't try this at home. Buster literally breaks the law and Crystal would've had every right to notify the authorities. Not that I'd expect things to come to that - this is a predictable feel-good movie after all - but what does Buster's unethical behaviors say about his character? He was exploitative in the first movie, but he's downright amoral in his mad dash for fame and fortune here. What is this telling the audience? People that "believe in themselves" typically don't cheat and take shortcuts to reach their goals. I'm not sure what message is being delivered here.

I realize I'm ranting about the narrative and moralistic failings of a family-oriented animated movie where anthro animals belt out top 40 tunes, but there's no law that says kid-friendly fare has to be shallow and unchallenging. There's plenty out there that proves otherwise! Pixar tackled similar themes with better writing and characters in Monsters University. Mike and Sully make unethical choices and suffer realistic consequences; they're forced to rebuild their lives and find a new path to make their dreams come true. In comparison, Sing 2 squanders every chance to send a meaningful message about the consequences of its protagonist's actions to its primarily young audience. Crystal discovering Buster's deception should have been a platform for teaching and exploring what happens when you take shortcuts to success, what happens when you hurt and deceive people willing to back you, and how your impulsiveness can jeopardize you and your friends' opportunities. Crystal escalating into a PG-rated gangster, a high-functioning sociopath that uses cartoonish villainy to menace Buster, is nowhere near a realistic consequence for his act of fraud. This is why Buster's big moment when he confronts Crystal during the climax rings hollow. He responds to Crystal's rage and degrading remarks with, "We did what we came here to do." Two problems with this: 1. You scammed this guy into cooperating and giving you loads of money and resources to build your project through unethical (and potentially illegal) means, which isn't commendable. You literally would not have made it without him. 2. Backing up your con after it blows up in your face isn't some noble act. "The ends justify the means" is not a great message for kids.

Illumination is not Pixar, I get it, but it's never going to shake its reputation and elevate itself if this character conundrum becomes a recurring problem in their movies. Sing 2 is a feast for the eyes and sounds pretty good too (when it slows down long enough to let the audience breathe). Amazing vistas and setpieces, great choreography. All of Crystal's properties are exquisitely designed. It's funnier than the first! I like most of the new characters even though they're underserved. And as much as I railed against the way Crystal was written, Cannavale did him justice, the character is entertaining, and he's animated with some legitimately intimidating body language and mannerisms. It's just a shame that not as much care went into the narrative or characters. This movie is deathly afraid of taking the time to ask questions of the audience and its own characters. Why does Buster need to succeed in Redshore? What happens to the New Moon Theater? How does the gang feel about Buster being a con artist that pulled them into this conflict? What if Calloway said no? Was Jimmy Crystal wrong...? (no, not particularly)

This movie failed Jimmy Crystal and any attempts at nuance and depth. Maybe they'll do right by him in Sing 3. Hey, they "fixed" Johnny's dad, they can do the same for Porsha. And let Jimmy sing! I know for a fact Cannavale can sing.

Gary the Rat (2003)

Unrecognized, Underrated, and Sadly Forgotten

[7/10 · 28 December 2021]

2003 was a very different time, an era that hosted the late night cartoon wars, a magical time period when more than one or two channels were interested in adult animation. Freshman Spike TV threw its hat in the ring with a block of adult cartoons called "The Strip," featuring Ren and Stimpy's Adult Party Cartoon, Stripperella, and Gary the Rat. Ren and Stimpy unhinged and uncensored, Pamela Anderson as a superhero stripper, and Kelsey Grammer as... a six foot man rat thing? It's not a surprise that Gary the Rat got lost by the wayside considering what it was paired up with. I admit I didn't give this show a chance back then (and I probably wasn't old enough to get most of the humor anyway), which is a shame because it is far and away the best thing to come out of that disaster... and boy, what a tragedy Ren and Stimpy was!

Gary the Rat is about infamous Wall Street attorney Gary "The Rat" Andrews, who has given up so much of his humanity in pursuit of his career that, one night, he spontaneously transforms into an anthropomorphic rat. Naturally, this is a source for much of the humor in the series as Gary learns to navigate a world that either wants to kill him or hire him for being the biggest rat in the room - and oh, are there rat puns to go around. Gary the Rat chose not to chase the schizophrenic pacing and humor of its contemporaries like Family Guy and was criticized for it. It instead likes to indulge in pattern humor: Gary/Grammer monologues where he contemplates how much his life/situation sucks; increasingly cruel and bizarre phone calls with Gary's mom; the cast's universal hate for Bud; Johnny Bugz's failed assassination attempts on Gary (and the poor schmucks he kills instead).

One of the things I liked the most about the show is how it subverted my expectations. When I heard the premise, I figured this would be a redemption story through and through - if Gary wants to become human again, he'll have to learn how to be human again. But by the second episode he's fully embraced being the awful rat b****** that he is. It's fun watching him occasionally do the right thing for all the wrong reasons and doing downright awful stuff for his own personal gain. This show never follows the folly of the Simpsons by trying to convince the audience that its sociopathic cast of human waste are genuinely good people by rewarding them. Gary and friends are awful, and you won't find any heartwarming endings here.

The one drawback though - limited animation. That's not unusual for comedy animation, as they tend to focus more on laughs than looking good. Gary the Rat was a webtoon in 2000 (wow, remember those?) before Spike picked it up as a series; the series looks and animates better than the webisodes, but its roots can still be felt. This was made on a budget.

All of Us: Starting Over (2005) Season 3, Episode 1

It's just some of us

[3/10 · 28 July 2021]

UPN's last year was infamously tumultuous. One on One managed to "remix" itself into a worse show and All of Us saw something of a soft reboot after Elise Neal left the show. Rather than recast Tia, the show opted to change its entire concept, which was loosely based on Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's marriage. This reboot saw several other characters ejected from show with the main cast experiencing some massive shifts in personality and priorities, resulting in a more generic sitcom. Dirk spends all of 30 seconds catching the audience up on a series of gut-punching retcons that reveal Tia wasn't really pregnant (??) and ran out on Robert, leaving the audience reeling. Welcome to the new status quo!

Bobby has devolved into a brat. Robert, once a responsible family man, spends every episode chasing a different woman. And Neesee begins abandoning any boundaries she had as a divorced mom. Despite the network's claims that the changes were to shake the show up and make it less predictable, it's pretty obvious that the writers are doing everything in their power to shove Robert and Neesee back together. Neesee's apartment burns down and she moves in with Robert - things only get more absurd from there, and they start to make decisions no divorcees would realistically make.

Some of Us isn't as bad as the last season of One on One, but it's not good either.

My Two Dads: See You in September? (1990) Season 3, Episode 22

An Incongruent Finish

[4/10 · 20 March 2021]

My Two Dads was never a bastion of writing but it did stick to its gun with its theme of family sticking together, no matter how unconventional that family is. The show betrays its own theme by chasing the sitcom series finale template - typically the status quo is torpedoed by having one or more characters go their separate ways so as to add permanence and tension to the final episodes. For My Two Dads, that involved whittling Nicole down to one dad.

When the One Who Got Away returns to town, Joey abandons his womanizing ways to stop her from marrying the wrong man. Joey deciding to settle down is major progress for his character, but it comes with a catch: the woman lives on the other side of the country, and a long distance relationship is out of the question. Will Joey choose his bride or his daughter? He chooses... the woman!? I was expecting some sort of psyche out or reversal toward the end but no, it's played straight. Joey moves to live with his new wife and her daughter, leaving Nicole behind in New York with Michael. Nicole can come visit eventually, but the break up of her family unit is played out like the tragedy it is. So yeah, that's how My Two Dads ends... with one of the dads leaving. It makes all the plots and fighting about who should be parenting, which dad Nicole is most like, which one is the biological father and more seem a bit superfluous when only one of them was going to stick it out in the long run.

This ending never sat right with me and it never will. I just have no idea what they were thinking.

Showtime (2002– )

The ORIGINAL soul of the Apollo!

[9/10 · 30 June 2020]

The original run of Showtime at the Apollo will forever remain the masterclass of televised talent competitions. American Idol, Americas's Got Talent and their ilk are overproduced spectacles wrought with clashing personalities and contempt for their own viewers. Apollo kept things simple and real with a charismatic host, amateur performers and the toughest crowd on Earth. People who fear Simon Cowell have never stepped in front of an Apollo audience. But I'm getting a little carried away - all I'm saying is you won't see anyone dancing in a "Dunkin Lounge" on Apollo.

In 2002, the original producers of Showtime at the Apollo had a falling out with the Apollo Foundation, which saw the show gutted and revamped. This resulted in the 2002 season featuring new music, aesthetics, a change in format, and Mo'Nique as the new host. Some of you may know this as the "Womp Womp" era, where people would rush the stage for line dances at the end of each episode. The new version of Apollo was competent but... it lost something in the transition. It lost its soul. And that's because the original producers took that soul with them and implanted into a new show called Showtime in Harlem (later shorted to just Showtime). This show is where Rudy Rush, Kiki Shepard, C.P. Lacey and the rest of the Apollo mainstays at the time migrated to. It was everything Apollo was, just without the name. They even took the THEME SONG! It was a new, instrumental version for obvious reasons, but you know that song when you hear it. It seemed like the true Apollo had been rescued, but we can't always have nice things in this world...

Both Apollo and Showtime were syndicated shows filling the same niche, forced into competition for the 2002 season. One had the name and brand recognition, the other looked like a "rip off." Apollo won the battle of scheduling. Apollo aired here at 10 PM on Saturday nights; in contrast, Showtime would air at 1 AM on Sunday (technically Monday) mornings. It never stood a chance and only lasted one year. After that, the show moved to California and went through a heavy revamp as Live in Hollywood, keeping only Kiki Shepard. That was the end of an era TV has never been able to reproduced. Time marched on and forgot about Showtime in Harlem, but I didn't... and that's why I had to say my piece.

If you're like me and you sometimes wonder what happened to that old Apollo spirit, just look at this as a "lost season." Unfortunately, outside of a few clips on YouTube, there's no way to have the full experience. Showtime in Harlem has been lost to time.

Last Call with Carson Daly (2002–2019)

Phoenix from the Ashes

[7/10 · 25 May 2019]

Last Call with Carson Daly gets a bad rap because it's really two different entities going by the same name. When Last Call started, Carson Daly mimicked every other late night show: studio audience, inhouse band, monologue with terrible jokes, etc. He did what everyone else did but worse and at an even later time slot. He also happened to be the TRL guy, and that garnered its share of hate.

Then in 2009, the show went on the road and stayed there. This documentary style was a paradigm shift that left all the fluff behind. The show found its soul. Now the show focuses solely on interviews and band performances. Outside of intros and outros, Carson's involvement started to dwindle. If you want your post-midnight interviews and performances sans monologue, skits, and host interjection, this may be your show. Admittedly it's made on a shoestring budget which is probably why it was able to go on so long, but that's part of its cheap charm. I've discovered music from the acts that got their TV debut on this show, so it'll always have a place for me.

Last Call may be on its way out but it will always be an interesting and unique entity in the late night space.

Kazaam (1996)

As terrible as you think it is

[2/10 · 12 June 2018]

The good thing about watching movies years after they come out is that you can form a nuanced opinion without the influence of the cultural reception at the time. Watching Kazaam taught me that there's nothing nuanced about how terrible this movie is. You heard it was bad. I heard it was bad. We can now agree that there's nothing clouding our judgment.

This movie reeks of the decade it was made in. Physically-incapable-of-acting basketball star Shaq is the title character, a genie that lives in a boombox. The protagonist of the movie is Max, a bratty kid that finds Kazaam in an abandoned building. We're supposed to sympathize with Max because he's bullied, but he's such a little jerk that it's actually cathartic to watch him get bullied. Kazaam and Max make an unlikely pair, not just because a 7 foot tall black man follows a little white boy around New York like a lost puppy, but also because Kazaam wants to go through the three wishes to gain his freedom (and hopefully get far, far away from this kid), and Max, in a completely realistic and tightly written portrayal of the selfish child that he is, decides that he doesn't want to use any of the magic wishes his genie is begging him to make.

The "plot" of the film revolves around Max learning that his mother lied to him all these years and that his father actually lives in the city, so he goes off to see his father for the first time in however many years (Kazaam is along for the ride). He's crushed to find out that his dad is a total sleazebag (like father like son) music executive and eventually it's up to Kazaam to use his miraculous powers not to end poverty, war or world hunger but to mend this broken white family. There's another sleazebag that figures out Kazaam is a genie and plots to steal him out from under Max.

If you found Shaq's non-acting to be distressing, prepare yourself for the trauma that is his rapping. This movie fails in just about every conceivable way. A story about a kid and his genie should be pretty straightforward but somehow, most of the characters are unlikable, the plot is dull and predictable, and I'll sound like a broken record if I keep talking about the acting. Space Jam, this is not.

One on One: One on One Remix (2005) Season 5, Episode 1

Beginning of the End

[3/10 · 17 August 2017]

UPN was in its death throes when One on One entered its fifth and final season; like several shows on the network at that time, it received an ill-fated and head-scratching shakeup. The previous season ended with Breanna deciding to stay in Baltimore for college. This episode features Breanna and Arnaz moving into a flat in California so Breanna can start college and Arnaz can bum around for his music career. Wait, what? Spirit and Duane are effectively written out by absence and cease to exist from this point forward (they don't show up on the spin off Cuts either). It's also made clear that Flex isn't going to stick around for much longer either since his life is back in Baltimore. That's not a good sign if any of these characters were your favorites. All these characters' story lines, jokes, and development have gone out the window.

To fill in for the old cast are their new flatmates, a parade of paper-thin characters defined by their single trait: Cash wants to film celebrities, Lisa is man-crazy, etc. Ray J is D-Mack, somehow transplanting his awful character from Moesha onto this show; the only difference is that everybody knows he's a wannabe player and bad boy, whereas it was played mostly straight in Moesha. The only new character with any kind of potential is Kel Mitchell as Manny, a former child star turned landlord. Kel puts in 150% and his character has more to work with, unfortunately, he doesn't show up much after this episode.

From this episode on, One on One feels like an aimless, inferior show. It's lost its identity and the new characters could basically be from any generic sitcom. Even the title no longer makes sense - the sitcom about a formerly estranged father and daughter building a relationship has seemingly vanished. It's been years but I still wonder what a proper season 5 would have been like if they stayed in Baltimore. Maybe it would have lived long enough for at least one season on the CW.

Rayman: The Animated Series (1999–2000)

A bizarre footnote in Rayman and Gaming history

[5/10 · 24 June 2017]

I was really into Rayman in the 90's. I owned the original 2D game and persevered through its brutal difficulty, and when a fully 3D Rayman 2 was announced, I was bouncing off the walls with excitement. To me, Ubisoft could do no wrong with this guy. They must have felt the same way because they commissioned an animated series that debuted a few months after Rayman 2. I would have pushed an old lady into moving traffic just to watch this - had I known about it. You see, Rayman: The Animated Series had notorious production issues that resulted in its cancellation after a meager 4 episodes with a 5th one floating around half-finished. It aired in a sparse amount of European countries and got a stealth VHS release here in America. Even ignoring the production issues (Betina's English voice changes three times between four episodes - how does that happen?), the simple truth is that what little we did get falls into the dead center of mediocrity.

Rayman TAS commits several of what I consider cardinal adaptation sins, the most egregious being retaining very little of the source material's DNA. Calling this a Rayman cartoon is misleading - there's Rayman himself and a quick appearance by Razorbeard, and that's it. Four of the five protagonists are completely original characters with no ties to the games. The plot has nothing to do with the games, and even the setting is decidedly different. Had the new material exceeded the games, this wouldn't be so much of a problem. It's just incredibly dull.

Intended breakout character Lacmac and his friends Betina, Flips and Cookie are amazing performers in the space circus, but behind closed doors they are enslaved and abused by the ringmaster Rigatoni. Rayman, as a limbless wonder, comes into the picture after he's picked up and displayed by the circus because of his unique anatomy and abilities. Rayman realizes what's going on and helps bust his new friends out of the circus. Rigatoni hires the blundering, dimwitted detective Grub to track them down. They spend the rest of the short series trying to avoid him.

If you're looking for Ly, Globox or Murfy, you won't find them here. The new characters range from boring to annoying. Lacmac is a big dumb sad sack that you're supposed to want to hug. Betina and Flips are completely unremarkable. Cookie is increasingly annoying as he whines about everything all the time. Surprisingy, they actually nailed what I expected from Rayman himself as a cheeky hero. Considering that Rayman didn't actually start talking (beyond Raymanese gibberish in Rayman 2) in the games until Hoodlum Havoc, it's impressive that this show actually translated him in this capacity first. Oddly enough, Razorbeard is a Rigatoni flunky. The vibrant and zany world of the first Rayman game or the darker, alluring atmosphere of its sequel seem to have eluded this effort; what we got was far more generic, like the episode where Rayman and friends decide to secretly help Grub with his disastrous date. This would be like making a Super Mario cartoon and dedicating an entire episode to Mario literally fixing someone's toilet. It's a shame, or a feat, that they took a character/franchise with so much personality and wrapped it in the equivalent of vanilla ice cream on a white paper plate - bland and flavorless. If there's one pro I can list, it's that due to the show's age, there are no rabbids.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

The Dumpster Fire Kids Movie

[1/10 · 26 May 2017]

I already knew this movie was legendarily bad, so I only have myself to blame for sitting down and watching it when it came on TV. To understand how this atrocity came to be, you have to understand what they were thinking when they were making it. Garbage Pail Kids was a trading card parody of the Cabbage Patch Kids that was basically a gross or ridiculous take on them. They were so popular that someone somewhere thought, "What if we took this shallow concept completely dependent on making fun of another property and turn it into a feature length film?" It's notable that the Cabbage Patch people never actually tried to go that far (or at least, never succeeded).

What we got was an ill-conceived dumpster fire that is an abject failure in every way conceivable. I could spend all day talking about how the story is nonsensical and aimless, how the suits/animatronics are creepy and nightmarish, etc. But that stuff's been covered a million times, so I'm going to focus on the real odious aspect, and that's the characters: a collection of paper thin, unmotivated tropes. Dodger is your typical bullied kid daring to look for bigger and better things. He's antagonized by a bunch of bullies for no reason other than for us to feel sorry for him (though if they bullied him because of his stupid name, I'd understand). Then there are the Garbage Pail Kids themselves, who are bizarrely portrayed as protagonists despite being repulsive physically and personality-wise. You can imagine the type of comedic depth you will encounter with characters like "Valerie Vomit" and "Windy Winston." When the characters aren't constantly farting and peeing on themselves, they're at each others' throats or even aggressively stepping to Dodger. I can only imagine the audience's reception to E.T. if he repeatedly threatened to shank Elliott if he didn't get to phone home. We're supposed to be rooting for these guys?

The most bizarre part of an already ridiculous movie happens when the bullies kidnap the kids and send them to the "State Home for the Ugly," where people deemed too ugly are executed. Wait, what? What is this twisted, alternate Earth where they kill off ugly people and why is it so out of place in what was beforehand (and after) a disgusting, cliché 80's mess? Lincoln and Gandhi are locked up here so I guess it's insultingly implying the Kids are unconventional in appearance but important for their contribution to society, some sort of misplaced Aesop about true beauty coming from within...despite the Kids being genuinely horrific on the inside. The kids are rescued (unfortunately) but their execution would have been a fitting end to this disaster. There's also a silly romance plot with a girl named Tangerine of all things, facilitated by the Kids' sudden ability to sew fashionable clothes for her fashion show.

So yeah, it's offensively bad. Don't make the same mistake I did and waste you time with it. There's nothing here for you but tears and fecal matter.

Felix the Cat: The Movie (1988)

A terrible, wonderful hot mess of a good time.

[7/10 · 21 July 2014]

I don't know what the scriptwriter was thinking when he scribbled this up. I don't know what the many eyes poring over it once it was conceived thought about it, how the movie even got green-lit, and how anyone that read it could think, "This is the PERFECT movie for Felix the Cat!" What I do know is that they were all high as a kite, and I'm glad that it happened.

Felix the Cat: The Movie was created on acid, and you'll feel like you've dropped some yourself when you watch it. 1950's era Felix and his friends are dragged into a 1980's nightmare. From a purely critical perspective, the movie isn't very good; it's barely passable. From a human perspective, it's a unique, unforgettable experience that is an (poorly) animated smörgåsbord of crazy.

Taking classic cartoon characters and giving them theatrical movies has overstayed its welcome by now, but Felix was one of the first to do it. You're either going to pioneer a bunch of copycats (Scooby Doo) or be hated and resigned from ever trying again (Tom & Jerry). Felix slides under the radar and sits somewhere in the middle. It's my honest opinion that if it wasn't so obscure, it would be a cult favorite.

The basic gist of the movie's plot is that in an alternate dimension, Princess Oriana is forcefully dethroned when her villain-uncle, the Mysterio expy named the Duke of Zill, returns from exile and forcefully takes the throne. Her desperate plea for help manifests as a transdimensional tear that finds Felix and leads him (and the snooping pair of the Professor and Poindexter) to an elevator that takes him to Oriana's world. From there, Felix falls pray to the freakish nature of the land of Zill and is eventually enslaved. Using his magic bag of tricks, Felix finds the Princess and they escape, heading for the castle in an attempt to take down the Duke of Zill.

This movie is such a mixed bag. The animation suffers but the music is great. The story is out of place for something revolving around Felix the Cat, yet the setting is intriguing. The inhabitants of Zill all have monstrous designs, but are otherwise fun-loving people. When you see the state of their world versus the pristine land of Oriana, it makes you wonder if the Duke is really that bad, and just why they were content to see the princess forced to dance in a bubble if they considered her the source of their misfortunes. These are subtleties in the movie you won't see mentioned by people looking to trash it. If Felix wasn't a hopeless optimist with an annoying voice and plenty of crummy jokes, this movie would be a lot darker.

My favorite aspect of this movie, however, are the frequent moments where you just have to stare in disbelief and wonder if that really happened. Besides several bouts of terrible animation that border on hypnotic, there is a scene where the good guys are attacked by flying menaces known as "headhunters" that presumably decapitate (!) their victims, which features a quick frame of a bloody (!!) Oriana that they probably meant to delete. That scene is eventually topped when the characters are suddenly attacked by a man-eating dragon that randomly spouts Marlon Brando lines. I really thought someone had messed with the version of the movie I was watching when that happened, but I gained some respect when I realized it was intentional. Honestly, who *wouldn't* want to be attacked by a man-eating dragon spouting Marlon Brando lines? You're not going to get this kind of satisfaction from Frozen.

This is one of the few movies that I think legitimately qualifies as "so bad it's good."

Kangoo (1996–1999)

Kangaroos playing basketball? Sign me up!

[7/10 · 28 May 2011]

Kangoo is a 1996 french cartoon chronicling the adventures of five anthropomorphic, basketball-playing Kangaroos known as the Kangoos. Like a lot of cartoon teams, they are defined by a character trait and their position on the team: Napo, the fearless leader, Kevin, the irritable brawn, handyman Nelson, Archie, the mellow mathematical genius, and Junior, the lazy kid. The cast is rounded out by their trainer Sammy and his scantily-clad daughter Tiffany. They are often antagonized by the villain Mister D, who looks like The Joker after years of substance abuse, and his niece Vipera, who only looks slightly better. Joining the cast occasionally is the mystical, elderly kangaroo Jango that's a sort of mentor/parental figure to the Kangoos, as well as a Jacqueline Kennedy lookalike in animated form and her husband, the city leader.

The premise is simple - the Kangoos are a professional basketball team from a tropical paradise, the island of Sierra Kangoo. The Kangoos befriend Sammy and Tiffany after saving them from an attack by Mister D. Together, they prepare for basketball tournaments in the city against various themed teams with their own gimmicks, while also dealing with the antagonists' many plots. Sometimes they will stumble across a bad situation and go out of their way to help those in need, because that's the good-natured roos that they are. As for the villains, their actual goals often shift from episode to episode between satisfying their own greedy desires, going after the city leader (or more precisely, his wife), or harassing the Kangoos.

Kangoo is not outstanding but it is being held back by several flaws. The show got over 60 episodes for its single season so it seems the budget needed to be stretched. The animation quality is inconsistent and the show has more stock footage than a magical girl anime, which becomes apparent when an episode with janky animation comes along and gets mixed in with the stock footage, especially on the ball court. The writing also leaves much to be desired; there's a lot of potential in the scenario that isn't tapped. The supporting human cast isn't nearly as endearing as the kangaroos. Sammy yells a lot and chews his hat when the Kangoos are losing. Tiffany is mostly eye candy and kidnap material for the villains. And probably most disappointing, the Kangoos don't play off of each other's personality as much as I'd like them to. Mister D suffers from a large case of stupid villain syndrome. He has magical and alchemistry abilities that he only uses to evade capture. His preferred method of attack is a sniper rifle, which he has terrible aim with. There's also this strange fascination with the Kennedys. There are several motorcade scenes throughout the series, and more than once, Mister D hides out on a rooftop with a sniper rifle and aims it at the cartoon's equivalent of the Kennedys. That might be one of the reasons Kangoo never made it to the USA, since the show otherwise would most likely have taken off here.

The basketball games also suffer. Cartoony hijinks on the court seem like they would be the main draw, but the best gags (like the kangaroos jumping out of each other's pouches to form a ladder to the basket) are regulated to stock footage, so the actual matches become very procedural and predictable. The opposing teams aren't very interesting either; their gimmicks are never taken to the extreme. It all goes back to that untapped potential.

Though that sounds critical, Kangoo does have its inspired moments. Watching the kangaroos is always fun when they're allowed to shine, and there are great moments of self-aware humor, like when Archie installs a tracker on Tiffany's clothes because she gets kidnapped all the time and, sure enough, she's kidnapped again before the end of the episode and they put the tracking device to the test. I also found the Kangoos, one by one, started to grow on me as I watched more episodes. There are just certain quirks that get assigned to them.

Kevin's always getting angry and blowing smoke from his nostrils or angrily swinging his fist at someone, yet his petulance is often justified, and things rarely go his way. Despite being the brawn, a lot of fights usually end with him getting his butt kicked, and he is prone to being humiliated from time to time, so I feel for the guy. Being the courageous leader, Napo gets into some trouble. The villains take to kidnapping him and subjecting him to bizarre torture methods, like body swapping and feather tickling.

But in the end it all comes back to what I was saying - potential. If there's one thing I really want out of Kangoo, it's to be able to go back in time and turn everything about this show up a notch or two. Increase the animation budget, improve the writing, refine the character personalities, be a little bit more daring, and get it more exposure (like an actual North American release this time). The show was successful, but unfortunately no one thought, or could at least get, for these things to come to fruition.

The Kangoos left the airwaves in 2000 (after an Olympic-themed sequel series), but they weren't forgotten. In 2002, they were revived in a spin off called Kangoo Juniors, adding yet another cartoon to the piles of "Kid version" spinoffs that downsized all of its characters. This "prequel" series doesn't make any sense and already contradicts the original series, and if they needed to spruce the characters up with a new concept for a new series I don't think turning them into kids was the right decision, but Kangoo Juniors is a different story for another review. There's been an uptick of cartoon revivals/remakes, so maybe in a couple of years someone will revisit Kangoo and fill in the potential and edginess the original series almost had.

CBS Schoolbreak Special: Ace Hits the Big Time (1985) Season 2, Episode 5

Classic and hilarious

[7/10 · 6 March 2009]

Ace Hit's the Big Time was part of the "Schoolbreak Special" lineup, which was CBS's counter to ABC's After School Specials. This is a classic case of "so bad it's good," but for slightly different reasons from most after school specials. This special hits a new height of absurdity, and does it with a nonsensical plot, cheesy musical numbers and an utterly unrealistic set of events. Apparently it (like most of after school specials of the time) was based on a novel, though I doubt the source material is quite as absurd.

The plot starts off pretty basic and simple. Horace ("Ace") and his family have moved from New Jersey to Manhattan. Horace is about to start his new life at school but is deathly afraid of the gang activities he's heard about. That's fine, a lot of kids can relate to this. But this is exactly when the show goes off into lala land.

Ace's fears turn into hallucinations of gang members hiding in his apartment. This culminates in a fantasy he has where he's being dragged around and beaten by singing, dancing thugs. This is the first musical number and reeks of its 1980's production, and the song has classic lines like "who wants to black his blue eye" and, my personal favorite, "new blood on falcon ground, you're gonna look like cooked spaghetti!" I mean, it doesn't get any better than that. You simply can't top this lyrical genius. Don't even try.

Since it was all a fantasy, Ace dons an eye patch over his infected eye(?) and heads to school where he is promptly chased by a black car with a man screaming "we want you!" After a short brush with the local Purple Falcon gang (purple falcons? Really?), Ace heads to class where he meets Raven. It's made pretty obvious that they've got the hots for each other, and she introduces him to her friends. It turns out that Raven is, SURPRISE, a Purple Falcon. Despite supposedly being the toughest gang in town, they take to Ace immediately and offer him to join. And despite his fear of gangs, Ace accepts their offer and becomes a Purple Falcon.

At this point, most after school specials would be beating their message into your head and preaching against gangs and the likes. But this special actually makes gangs look like FUN! When they're not sitting around looking constipated, the Purple Falcons are hanging out and eating pizza. This is one of the least scary gangs I've seen. They don't do anything. Even one of the gang members admit that they're not much of a gang. Maybe it's me but this special might be giving out the wrong message about gangs. These seem more like a group of friends with eccentric dressing habits moreso than a menace to society.

In a wacky twist to the story, and the inspiration for the special's title, the black car catches up to Ace. The guy works for a movie company, and he says Ace is perfect for the part as a tough guy extra (let's just ignore for a minute that being an extra isn't exactly "hitting the big time") and that he should bring his friends along...because there's nothing that looks tougher than a kid in a cheap eye patch and a black jacket. Eventually, the Piranhas, a rival gang, crash the party...and what do rival gangs do when they clash? Why, sling silly insults at each other! To top the random nature of the movie deal, which seems to have no overbearing effect on the plot at all, a sort of love story is tossed in. Ace and Raven have already been giving each other longing looks through the entire special, but while watching a movie scene (the second musical number), they constantly make googly eyes at one another and Ace even fantasizes that he's dancing with Raven in place of the two actors.

After their first week of shooting, the Purple Falcons are terrorized once against by the Piranhas. Ace and friends do what they do best to defend their reputation and street cred.....they run. During the escape they all somehow manage to lose Raven, who is kidnapped by the Piranhas. The other gang members are too scared to do anything about it so Ace volunteers to save her.

In what is probably the most ridiculous part of the plot, Ace goes to the Piranha's home turf offering...a cake with "Make Peace not War" scribbled on it in exchange for Raven. And they accept it! He even manages to scare them into doing his bidding. Although it's implied but not actually seen, the two gangs merge due to Ace's gesture, which would likely end any gang warfare since 1. There's only one gang in the area now and 2. They didn't really do anything in the first place.

The special then ends with one more musical number. The ridiculous, random and cheesy nature of this final musical number feels like a surprisingly appropriate conclusion to Ace Hit's the Big Time, and a summation of the entire production. There's no overlying message, though you may be able to pick one up from the song since Ace sings about solving everything by "being himself"... which sort of ignores the fact that he joined a gang and was cast for a movie for looking like a thug. And that he kept all of this hidden from his parents.

Quite frankly this special needs to be seen to be believed.

Garfield Gets Real (2007 Video)

An acquired taste

[7/10 · 16 January 2009]

Garfield is ready to make a comeback (after the live action movies) with a CGI movie, bringing the fat cat back to somewhat familiar territory: the world of animation. But Garfield purists beware, the jump to 3D comes along with a jump in plot. In order to summarize it, the odd premise must be tackled.

In Garfield Gets Real, Garfield, Odie, John Arbuckle and the rest of the cast live in the "cartoon" world. The idea behind this is that the characters acknowledge their own little fourth wall. They get up, go to work and "film" comic strips with their director and scripts like an actual movie, magically send the finished strips into the newspapers of the "real world" and then watch people's reactions through a magical window viewer that lets them see out of the newspaper. The premise is odd, a little juvenile, and feels like something reserved for fanfiction to introduce a Mary Sue (well, actually, there may be a little more thought put into than what a Sue writer would come up with).

Anyways, Garfield, like the lazy cat that he is, is now tired and bored of this everyday routine. When he discovers that it's possible for cartoons to go into the real world, he (and Odie through an accident) end up in the real world with no way back, and with the others left to watch in horror. Garfield and Odie go on to start their new lives, only to find the real world isn't all that he thought it would be cracked up to be, and that if he doesn't get home soon, his strip will be canceled.

If you compare this to the Garfield specials of old, you will probably be disappointed. Quite frankly this isn't on that level, as can be seen through its premise which is a little out there even for Garfield, but it is good for what it as. The voice acting is great, the characters are in character (Nermal is a nuisance and the first to try to benefit from Garfield's departure), but probably the most notable thing is the animation, which is excellent. There are several points where the level of skill is demonstrated, such as the introduction. In some cases I feel like they might be doing a little TOO much for something based around Garfield. I mean, Garfield doesn't exactly require Pixar animation.

My only real disappointment with this film is that, staying within the confines of the movie, it didn't play around with the idea of Garfield in the "real world" quite as much as I'd like. What he actually does there is quite limited, there just seemed like so much gag and humor potential wasted. That, and despite the animation that actual design between the cartoon and real world isn't that different. Really, the only way you can tell the difference is that the cartoon world is brighter and has certain absurdities like superheroes soaring through the air, bubbles coming out of tailpipes and ridiculous character design (that is, until you see the fat goth kid in the real world...he certainly takes the cake).

What Lies Above (2004)

Disappointing all around

[3/10 · 21 July 2007]

So I caught this one afternoon as "What Lies Above" and actually watched it because the beginning was somewhat promising. The heroine, Diana Pennington, is a mountain climbing expert...but that doesn't help her when her fiancé Brian gets hurt on a climb. When she goes off to get help and returns, he disappears from the mountain, never to be seen again.

Two years later, Diana is still a climber...but she won't go near Snowman's Pass. That is, until Curt Seaver appears and tells her that he can find the body of her lost fiancé with a new satellite program. She agrees and they take off up the mountain with Curt's two assistants: His "bodyguard" Hugo and the computer whiz Tyler. From the start, you know that there's some ulterior motive going on, but unfortunately the twists aren't good and lead to a laughably bad chase sequence that makes up the last 20 or 30 minutes of the movie.

The major disappointments are the red herrings, most of which have supernatural undertones that never come to fruition. The object from the sky that fell into the mountains (which turns out to be not so supernatural), the story of how Snowman's Pass came to be, and the most memorable one of them all: Diana's dream sequence halfway through the movie. But what disappointed me most is where they dropped the ball. The majority of the movie revolves around the search for Brian, that's why I can't for the life of me begin to understand why the mystery of what exactly happened to him and where he was is never solved through the course of the movie. This was the major plot. This was how the movie STARTED! How do you NOT wrap that up?

I wouldn't tell too many people to bother with this one...

What About Your Friends: Weekend Getaway (2002 TV Movie)

Nice little made-for-TV movie...

[7/10 · 3 June 2007]

I remember the hype surrounding this before it premiered on UPN. Part of the reason I watched it was due to Keshia Knight Pulliam's presence. I wanted to see little Rudy all grown up.

Of course, if you're expecting Rudy Huxtable, you'll be sorely disappointed. Keshia plays a very different character, the conflicted Temple, who goes along with her best friends Alex (Angell Conwell) and Breena (Monica McSwain) on a weekend college scholarship retreat. Here, the girls slowly but surely begin to learn how tough it is in college, which is no joke.

Keshia's role as Temple was pretty well done. The character's spaciness during some key moments was a little annoying but Keshia worked with what she had. Ironically, it's Angell Conwell as Alex that takes the cake as the street-smart, tough, and pretty girl in the trio. Monica McSwain plays Breena, though I'm not sure if it's her or her character that's a little emotionally over the top. But hey, I've known people like that.

Also part of the cast is Riley Weston, who plays Sydney, a girl that pretends and assimilates the over the top personality of the stereotypical "black girl from the hood" in order to fit in, which eventually puts her at odds with Alex. Alexis Fields is once again playing the Bad Girl and takes the role of Doreen, the personal nemesis of Temple.

This made-for-TV movie is pretty simplistic, teaches life lessons, is pretty light overall, and is something the whole family can sit down and enjoy. It is by no means a dramatic masterpiece, but it still gives you one of those feel-good moments near the end of the movie when each of the girls overcome their personal troubles and stick together as friends. This could have worked as a TV show. Perhaps even the successor to Moesha. No idea why UPN didn't convert it into a series, but at least it makes a good TV movie.

All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos (2005)

A tired, cliché zombie flick with bad pacing, little coherency, and hardly any redeeming factors. All Sucks Day is more like it.

[4/10 · 2 May 2007]

A boring Saturday afternoon had me sitting down by the TV to watch whatever was on, with a lack of anything better to do. This movie just happened to be coming on.

All Soul's Day starts off South of the Border, apparently deep in the past. Evil Man has had his gold stolen by Cowering Man. Evil man kills Cowering Man under the promise that he won't harm his family. Since the man is evil, we already know he's lying. Remember Evil Man's face, because his significance won't be revealed until the last 10 minutes of the movie, as we take a trip into the future, which is apparently still in the past! Here, we are introduced to to a middle-class Caucasian family, which consists of the bigot father, the submissive mother, the typical teenage daughter, and her annoying, handicapped younger brother. They stay at the inn of a rural town (we're still south of the border, and don't expect the setting to change) for the night. The people inside are freaky (a old lady who likes depicting scenes in a cardboard box), and the bigot father literally rents his family a room out himself. The teenage daughter (the only likable character, which is a bad sign for her) goes to take a bath, but is freaked out by something in the bathroom. Upon returning to her room, she is frightened by a young boy in a skeleton mask, and flees the inn, only to run into a crowd of zombies that deliver an undead beatdown.

Jump about 40 or 50 years into the future, and we're finally in a present. An arrogant white guy and his Mexican girlfriend are on the way to her parent's home when they stop in the same rural town and crash when avoiding a crowd of people carrying a coffin. A woman with her tongue cut out flops out of the coffin as the people flee and the arrogant boyfriend goes to get help for her from the flamboyantly suspicious sheriff. Things only continue to get weirder when the couple decide to stay at a familiar inn, with the same strange people inside (the same old woman, depicting another scene in the cardboard box). They decide to wait for friends, but things only get worse. The girlfriend sees a vision in one of the rooms, full of screaming and bloody hand prints, which seems to be the reaction the parents had when their kids went missing, yet it abruptly stops. It's never explained what really happened, or why she had the vision. And you'll find that a lot of things aren't really explained in this movie.

Eventually the two friends arrive, which is a black guy and his blonde girlfriend. Oh, we know how long THEY'RE going to live. They needed someone to kill off in this movie, and unfortunately it had to be the blondes and the minorities.

Not long afterward, the girlfriend is abducted by the townspeople and is being used for a sacrificed. She is saved by the arrogant boyfriend, in which the Sheriff reveals that they must sacrifice a Mexican to stop an oncoming zombie assault. Okay, why they needed a Mexican and how exactly a sacrifice would stop the zombies is never explained (like I said earlier in the movie). The sheriff is finally revealed to be the handicapped son (who suddenly isn't handicapped anymore) of the family that stayed in town so many years ago. Okay, I'm not even sure how to tackle that. There's just too many things wrong with it, that are unexplained. But it doesn't really matter because he's killed off a few minutes later anyway.

So anyways, the zombie onslaught begins and the group of four must now find a way to get out with their lives, after locking themselves in the inn. This is where the ridiculousness of the movie really shines. At one point, while trying to escape, the blonde suddenly transforms from her selfish, bubbly ways and becomes Super Blonde, displaying a sudden zombie butt-kicking power you'd never know she had. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if the movie wasn't taking itself seriously, since the girl is now flipping on rooftops and somersaulting off of zombie's heads, which is comical being such an abrupt and unexpected event. Unfortunately, the movie does continue to take itself seriously, and the ridiculous factor and sudden stupidity of the characters will make you slap your own head as if you just made the dumbest decision in the world (which inevitably leads to the character's death).

It's near the very end of the movie that the story's real plot kicks in, which explains the zombie problem thats been plaguing the town for a century. I'm not going to spoil that, but it is full of holes that are never explained, and it tries to make you feel sympathy for the zombies, until you realize that they've been killing innocent people for no real reason for the past few decades.

This eventually leads to the solution of the problem, which is so ridiculous that you'll wonder why no one had ever done this in the 100 years that the town has had the zombie infestation. Typically, all is well, and the slain characters are not even mentioned in mourning or passing.

The movie may be good for a laugh or two due to the sheer amount of things that can't be taken seriously in it (super blonde being my favorite), but it fails as a thriller. It's plot, while not laughable, leaves much to be desired, and the overall events are just waaaay too predictable. If it's one thing that really got on my nerves, it was the fact that so much was left unexplained.

Pete's Meteor (1998)

A movie that tried to be something but ultimately failed

[3/10 · 24 April 2007]

Pete's Meteor. I seen this referred to as "authentic" and a "gem." I caught this movie on a Saturday afternoon. I kinda wished that I didn't.

Apparently this was noted as being Mike Myers' first dramatic role. Unfortunately it had to be this movie. The first thing you'll notice that Pete's Meteor suffers from is a complete lack of plot. Or rather, a bunch of little subplots that aren't really connected and don't go anywhere. Young orphan Mickey lives with his younger brother and sister with their grandmother. A meteorite lands in their garden and is eventually collected by a scientist named Hugh. Despite the title of the movie, Mickey is the one who lays claim to the meteor, and the "storyline" actually has little to do with the meteor in any shape or form. From here on out, several other characters and subplots are introduced. But like I said before, they don't really go anywhere.

Things go from cute family movie to dark thriller pretty fast, when Pete (Mike Myers) is introduced and starts to play a role. Micky blames him for the death of his parents, though we're never really told what happened or why. Hugh has romance problems because his girlfriend can't get past his cosmic fascination. And Pete's drug-related past starts to catch up with him and temporarily draws his own girlfriend and the rest of the cast into the mix when shady characters start trying to kill him. This would seem to be the main plot, until you realize it doesn't even have a role until halfway through the film, making everything else feel like pointless filler. Hugh's girl problems, Mickey's bad behavior, the meteor...what on EARTH do they have to do with this? Not much.

So the 'plot' is disjointed and half of it is pointless. But a good cast of characters can save it, right? Keyword: good. The majority of characters are terribly unlikable people, most of which you'd like to see die horribly. At least, I know I would. Despite the title, Mickey seems to be the main character, which is a really bad move once you see him in action. He is one of the WORST little kids I've seen in a movie, with an extremely bad attitude problem. He 'borrows' a car, harasses and talks trash to Hugh (an adult) for taking the meteor, actually attempts burn the man's house down when he doesn't get his way, and even tries to stab Pete with a knife. You'd think a kid like this is on his way to the jail house. Unfortunately, one of the worst things about this movie is that Mickey never gets what's coming to him. I'm not sure at what point you're supposed to be sympathizing with his character, because he's always a nasty little brat. He's the ringleader for his brother and sister, so they predictably end up taking and backseat and just following whatever he does. Amazingly, they're pushed back so far that I can't even remember their names. They might as well not even be there.

Their grandmother is pretty much a borderline alcoholic. She tends to be just as nasty to Hugh as Mickey, and likes to push people out of her house and give them evil glares when she's not chugging down liquor bottles and drinking herself silly. Pretty ridiculous when you take into account that she's supposed to be taking care of three children. Her issues with alcohol are never really addressed, though she does collapse from time to time in the movie.

Hugh is one of the few likable characters in the movie, but that's only because he's the punching bag for the majority of characters and takes their mess without giving it back. The kids treat him nastily but he always comes back and tries to teach them and do nice things with them. He's got a taxi driver girlfriend who seems to take every aspect of his life as a scientist as a personal offense, attempting to leave him several times in the movie when he goes off into his cosmic lingo or does something to prove that he isn't exactly on the same wavelength as the rest of the characters (thankfully).

Then there's Mike Myers as Pete. Pete, despite having the only solid purpose and plot in the movie, is extremely underused and doesn't play any kind of role until the second half. It's unfortunate that Myers got stuck in such a position for a dramatic role. Even when Pete is getting screen time, half of it is just Myers running through dark alleys and hiding in small corners. And even though he was the only real point to this movie, when his plot line brings the movie to a close, it's a strange, unfulfilling conclusion that has all the characters laughing on a good note with a quick and strange explanation behind the title of the movie, making you wonder if they were just performing in the movie you were just watching.

The only thing worth seeing in Pete's meteor is Mike Myers' role as Pete, and that's if you can wade through this disjointed mess long enough without lashing out at another human being due to the extremely unlikable characters and nonexistent plot line. No sir, I didn't like this one at all.