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WolfishEyez
Reviews
'Gator Bait (1973)
"Cleatus! Stop Pissin' on yer sister!" "Ye-hawwwwwwwwww!"
Okay, where do I begin? I was walking through my local Hollywood video, when I noticed this movie in the 10 for $10 VHS bin. It looked so raunchy that my fiancé and I simply had to buy it (it was either that or The King's Whore). We interpreted it as "soft-core porn" before our viewing of the movie, but now, we've done a complete 180.
It wasn't classifiable as "soft-core porn," because porn has better dialogue, better acting,and superior special effects. Not to mention better music. Such artistic geniuses in this film's screenplay include Desiree's frequent use of the phrase, "Ye-hawwwwwwww!!!!!", and my favorite line, "I be back in two, three, day." Let's not forget the incredible death of Billy, when he got shot and made that sound like a twenty-year old bloodhound crapping out peach pits. Then, of course, Leroy's death was even better. He got shot in the chest and made a sound like a ninety-year old gargling beer.
How about the spectacular stunt coordinator, who was so proud of his work, that he left his name out of the credits, and the husband/wife director/writer/producer team. You know that they did it all because no one else would touch it with a ten-foot pole.
Let's elaborate more on the Oscar-winning performance of Claudia Jennings, may she rest in peace after the acting sin she committed in this film. This former playboy playmate said less than twenty words in the entire film, and disappointed men everywhere when she failed to get naked in the first five minutes. If it weren't for the potato sack blowing in the wind, most of them would have given up. We did, of course, get to see plenty of Janit Baldwin's thirteen-lookin' year old self as she bathed in the "clean" swamp waters. I wouldn't be surprised if the FBI came knocking on my door and arrested me for viewing child pornography.
Then, if the Louisiana Cajun playmate ain't enough for you, let's add in who we called "The perv." In the first ten minutes of the film he was trying to rape some girl in a white dress while she was hanging up the laundry in the middle of the lawn, when his daddy came out and told him to get his hands off his sister. Wow, I wish my family was that f***ed up.
Let's summarize. Blowing sacks, incest and crapping peach pits in Cajun country make this one hell of a family film. I hear Disney is even making an animated version
1st to Die (2003)
If James Patterson were dead, he'd be rolling in his grave.
That's right, you heard me. I am a huge fan of James Patterson. I own 10 of his books, and I have read the entire series about Lindsey Boxer. In my opinion, the screenwriter should be shot.
What right did any film maker have to slaughter a terrific work of fiction and make it into a mockery of the mystery genre? If I ever thought that Harry Potter was butchered, then Michael O'Hara has proved me wrong.
I can only pray that the next screenwriter who tackles this fabulous book will do it a great deal more justice. To Michael O'Hara and Russell Mulcahy: don't quit your day job.