zombie-32 Reviews

Battlefield 2025 (2020)

This is bad even by Asylum & Troma standards

[1/10 · 11 July 2020]

This was bad, so very very bad. Awful does not even begin to describe this.

The story, when it finally started half way through the film was written on a single beer coaster crayon. A large crayon.

I could only find one good thing about the film was that the footage was very sharp. I have never seen disappointment in such clarity.

It is not worth any price to watch, or even as a free download. Just don't waste your time even reading the title

The Unfolding (2016)

I wanted the end to come

[1/10 · 16 December 2016]

On the safe side I have added the spoiler tag. But if you have already seen this film then you already know it has passed it's use by date and has spoiled. This is the film version of that bottle of milk that became lost in the car in early spring only to be found in late summer then for some unholy reason opened to "see how bad it really is"

It is interesting that so many of the 8+ star reviews have reviewed only this movie.

This is a low budget film but being one should not stop it from being a well made film as many iconic or cult films have been made on a shoestring budget or even less. This film is neither iconic or a cult film

Ignoring that lets explore this train wreck of a movie

Setting: The movie is set in contemporary rural England and from the radio we know that there is a heavy cold war on that is looking to go hot.

The problem with this "found footage" genre is that unless it is very well written you know that the main character are dead. There is no explanation over how the footage is found. This is not a well written script.

Characters: Overall they are like extras with likes of dialogue. Anonymous, bland, not memorable. I do not even have a reason to dislike them which would have given me a reason to remember them.

Dialogue: Of what could be heard of this was in the finer moments bad but most of the time it settles for bland to bad

Audio: Highly inconsistent varying from easily heard to a background mumble in most cases this actually improved the film as this means one did not have to suffer the dialogue

Acting: This movie is far from alone where you see actors struggling to spin gold out of chaff. a average scrip would have gotten a better performance.

Script/Story: Aside from some random good ideas the script and story is bland and pedestrian and are interchangeable with any number of similarly bland "found footage film". The troupes in the characters and story are both common and predictable with the exception of one character I was able to predict every character's demise

Locations: The locations were solid and well chosen and suited the story well

Special effects: Of what you could see this was fairly basic and having the video footage bleed of colours looks and feels like this was done to cover the poor/cheap effects. I would say that it looks like the special effects were done on a home computer but I have seen movies where the director used his home computer the make the computer effects and despite it was made several years ago it still looks better then the effects in this film

Overall: A generally bland, forgettable film. It is not bad enough to get a following from us that like the bad movie and is certainly not good enough to be popular.

Watch at own risk

Platoon of the Dead (2009 Video)

A new standard of crap movies

[1/10 · 5 July 2015]

The only spoiler that I will give out is that this movie is so bad that it will make you sick.

This is by far one of the worst "horror" films you will ever watch guaranteed. You know how there are those movies that you know are going to be bad, but you watch it anyway and think "well, that wasn't so bad".... this isn't that movie, trust me. The acting, script, directing, production, and dare I say "special effects" were deplorable and embarrassing. While the plot was interesting, the movie itself was a big let down. The script itself was probably the movies major downfall, that and the fact there was NO climax at any point of the movie. I will never get this wasted time in my life back. Just don't do it, walk away from this one...Run for your very life.

Rz-9 (2015)

I have no scrip nor actors yet I film

[1/10 · 29 June 2015]

May contain spoilers The overall idea had merit the script jumped around abysmally. Continuity or what passed for it was a complete joke.

You have an squad of elite "Erasers" who start off able to shoot a feather off a flying finch at 2km but by the halfway mark none could shoot the broadside of a barn even if they had been shackled to the wall. I was amazed that none of the Erasers managed to shoot themselves in their own face they had become that incompetent.

If they were the elite then they would have gunned down the resistance/terrorists/bible bashers at range before they would have known that they were under attack.

Why were the only long range drones used to attack cities but could not be used to hunt down the resistance? The acting was so wooden it was a major fire hazard.

I want my life back that I spent watching this failure

Mystic Blade (2014)

A bad copy of Lone Wolf and Cub

[2/10 · 8 February 2015]

This was bad. Where do I start.

I had got this for the fighting I was expecting to see. The fights look like they had been arranged by a glee club.

The acting was a fire hazard it was that wooden. the only redeeming parts were the animated sections.

The story what little there was was a pale imitation of Lone Wolf and Cub but I wont say that too loud in case I insult that good story.

The best part about this movie is undoubtedly the end credits. This means that you have endured the waste of time that is this movie. The credits move with a grace and style that was missing from the combat scenes.

Value your time and dodge this train wreck of a movie.

True Justice: Deadly Crossing: Part 1 (2010) Season 1, Episode 1

CSI Seagal ... This is like a Mary Sue Fanfic

[1/10 · 3 July 2014]

Quick send the Mary Sue Segal to the CSI teams (he can handle all the teams simultaneously) as he will be able to solve all crimes instantly.

Upon walking into a crime scene he is able to spot clues and tracks inside the shop before he had entered. He is then able to point them out to investigators already on the scene who have not yet died because they have forgotten to breathe since they are that dumb. His ability to process the smallest signs and clues before he sees them makes him a one man CSI lab. Many of the smarter criminals simply just knock on the doors to the local prison to save Seagal the effort of arresting them.

He can spot people hiding behind a hill under a tree that was behind him by his tingling Seagal-sense (Like spider sense but a lot stronger like Chuck Norris stronger).

Gangs are not a threat to Seagal as they will only attack one at a time and slower than Seagal moves. This also means that they will never attack from the rear. At least the criminals are polite when it comes to them getting beaten up by Seagal and don't make him work too hard.

Then when he draws his pistol and used it his bullets are able to defy to laws of physics and teleport straight to their targets. No distance or cover will save them.

The overall acting is a major fire hazard due to the cheap wooden acting which is better than the scrip which looks like it was written by a Scooby-Doo / CSI fanfic writer who simply changed the names from Scooby to Elijah.

So the can out shoot, out fight, out think, barely out act his cast members. He is far stronger, tougher, and barely as fast as his opponents. Seagal has a massive Mary Sue factor in the film. The criminals push stereotypes to new outstanding levels which acts (better than Seagal) as a Mary Sue amplifier. Making his Mary Sue factor even higher.

This is a big call I am making. The only way I think (and I am not even sure he can) make it worse is to have Uwe Boll direct.

The Zombinator (2012)

Need to be a brain dead zombie to enjoy this one

[2/10 · 10 February 2014]

Wow

First off I enjoy a) horror movies b) b-grade movies (or lower), and c) b-grade zombie flicks

As for spoilers - it is a massive whale sized pile of crap of all the bad film crap I have self abused by watching this in in the top 20 in at least No. 15 position

The acting was varied from bad to insipid. Sorry guys and gals you may have put some effort in but you should not have skipped acting school. many seem to have enrolled themselves in the Charles Bronson School of emotional acting but failed due to lack of range.

There was a script? I thought they were just drunken ad-libbing their lines.

Directing? there was?

Cinematography at best had a half arsed effort by someone who had heard of a movie camera. There was clear on the job learning as no previous training could be seen.

Ice Quake (2010 TV Movie)

This will be noticed

[1/10 · 25 April 2012]

When this movie is discovered by aliens races they will take notice. Opinions will be created. Discussions will be made. Wars will be fought. Cults will unify multiple species.

Because of this movie waring species will join together in peace. They will form an alliance unified with one goal- the total and complete extermination of the Human species. Not only will the human species that created this movies be exterminated they will decided to sterilise any planet the humans are on in atomic fire just to be sure.

Just to be sure.

The glowing planets will be left as a stark reminder that some species truly deserve not enslavement, not consumption as food but the total and complete erasure from the universe

War of the Worlds (2005)

The martians should have killed the family

[2/10 · 2 April 2012]

In these types of movies it is a good idea if the main characters are likable so that the viewer can want them to survive until the end.

Well Spielberg decided that was not going to be the case with this movie.

Robbie the son is at the top of the list of most needs to die. When he is not arguing for no reason he is behaving like a spoiled brat.

Rachel the screaming daughter. Aside from screaming, whinging, whining, and yelling the only thing she managed to do was to give the Martians a reason to hate humans

Ray the dad - remember these rules of how to survive a horror movie 58) Your dog can take care of itself... 59) So can your spouse... 60) And your kids. or really you should have saved yourself the time, hassle and child support and shot the kids as soon as the martians arrived or even left them in your home to get blown up. In the Spielberg sequel remember to cap them in the first 5 minutes to make your life easier.

The Eden Formula (2006 TV Movie)

It's a wreck all right

[1/10 · 21 May 2009]

I got this as a turkey movie and was I not disappointed.

Acting - overall even though many have been in other movies it is clear that they had to work hard to act this bad so constantly over this entire movie with out accidentally letting slip some degree of acting.

Plot - being generous I could say that the scriptwriter did originally start with a plot but but did his best to ignore it. the plot broke down faster then a Chinese knock off computer

Scrip - now that was an abomination of nature. it failed to flow with any rhyme or reason. the majority of the lines by the characters were at best pathetic to imbecilic. the script worked hard to make sure that no character managed to get to be considered memorable. I have watched other movies where the extras were more interesting and memorable.

Special effects - ROTFLMAO!!!!! They were short bus special

Directing - until you can come up with your own directing ability copy the style of your favorite directer otherwise you will only make failures like this.

It is good to know that your friends/family have been giving you 10 stars for this movie

Body Armour (2007)

Dull made into a Action Movie

[2/10 · 16 June 2008]

Wow. This is one of those movies that you knew what was going to happen and when even before you started to watch the movie. This movie was one long string of stereotypes that made it very predictable

Foes working together even though they hate each other ... check Dying bad guy wants to redeem himself before he dies ... check Good guy has a traitorous superior ... check Dying bad guy wants to make up with wife and/or children ... check Femme fatale ... check comic sidekick ... check Bad guy redeems himself by sacrificing himself for good guy ... check All government agents are incompetent until end ... check all henchmen can not shoot straight ... check

1 star for good backgrounds, 1 star for the hit-man's daughter

BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007 Video)

Steadycams were invented for a reason

[2/10 · 21 January 2008]

Another movie that has wandering camera syndrome. Shakecam is good in moderation or in the scenes that can take advantage of it. Every scene that has the shaking camera shooting it would have been better with the camera's steady-cam feature working.

Most of Boll's fight sequences are at least entertaining if they are not good. In this they were not just bad they were boring. If they had been cut out they would have made the movie better.

The fight scenes from House of the Dead while far from realistic were enjoyable. Now if Rayne had used a pen to stake one of the vamps with the quip "the pen is mightier than the sword" while bad and cheesy would have been better than any of the fights in this movie.

At least B3 should be far better than this one as it would be hard to make the third worse The only reason it has not received 1 star is that the actors tried really, really hard on a bad script.

Absolute Zero (2006 TV Movie)

Because science is never wrong

[1/10 · 26 March 2007]

There are spoilers so if you do not want to read about it the run for your very lives.

About this movie: Bad scrip, bad writing, bad acting, bad effects, and very bad science.

The script has more holes than swiss cheese, the characters are never more than 2 dimensional and that almost every main character gives the catch call "Because science is never wrong". that acting varies from bland to boring and uninspired. This movies set new standards of misapplied effects. the encoding or original digital filming at a very poor sub-commercial standard.

Bad science - it looks like the writer has "discovered" some scienctific terms and mad up some answers to go along with the term. It did not matter if they were right they were "scientific" Antartica is cold so you will have a cloud of moisture when you exhale even in summer. If you had the 30degree spike then all of Antartica would be evacuated due to melting ice. you have dozens of faults in the science of this movie that it renders science to a catch phrase "Because science is never wrong"

The amount of effort to make this movie this bad should be awarded with a 5 year ban on the those responsible from making any further abominations.

The Snake King (2005 TV Movie)

A special place in hell is reserved for this movie

[1/10 · 25 February 2007]

This was one hell of a stinker. Comparing this to an early Dr Who episode from 1960's Who had the worse scrip: The Snake King Who had the worse dialog: The Snake King Who had the worse acting: The Snake King Who was more predictable: The Snake King Who had the most fake special effects: The Snake King (This is going against cardboard cutouts, men in wetsuits, and obvious miniatures.) The Snake King did have one advantage over the Dr Who episode it was in colour.

It does have a good drinking game if you have a drink every bad line or when a henchman gets killed you are more likely to pass-out from alcoholic poisoning than pass halfway through the movie.

Deck Dogz (2005)

in one word weak.

[2/10 · 26 January 2005]

First off I am not a skater.

When I went in to watch this movie I was expecting some serious skating stunts and manoeuvres. Instead all you received was a series of short film sections broken up with some poor animation sequences.

The only real surprise was that Tony Hawks had his name attached to this turkey.

If you want to watch a skating movie then you are better off watching Gleaming the Cube or someone else play a skating game either way you get a better acting, skating and story.

Half the story is simply bland and uninspiring before progressing to boring then dragging itself like a dying dog to the end of the movie it becomes so predictable that it feels like you have already watched the movie even though you haven't seen the end you already known exactly how it will end, and finally when the end credits appear you can breath a sigh of relief that the horror is over.