rileyjustin306 Reviews

The Legend of Hercules (2014)

The Gods are not pleased...

[1/10 · 12 January 2014]

The Legend of Hercules is one of two Hercules movies in 2014, the other one is set for release in July starring Dwayne Johnson and Directed by Brett Ratner. And I gotta say, after seeing this movie, I'm really looking forward to the Brett Ratner version, and that's saying something.

Where do I begin? The acting is hilariously awful (Kellan Lutz and the villains especially). The romance is laughable. The fight scenes are a total rip off of 300 and Gladiator, with obnoxious slow-mo being used every 10 seconds. And for a movie with a budget of $70 million, it looks cheap.

The Legend of Hercules has some of the worst production values I've ever seen in a film. The costumes look noticeably cheap, The props are low rent, The green screen effects are amateurish. The 3D conversion is even worse. And the CGI looks worse than an Asylum movie.

Final Verdict: Unless you're watching for a cheap laugh, you should avoid this stinker like the plague.

The Starving Games (2013)

It's everything we've come to expect from the Seltzerberg

[2/10 · 23 November 2013]

I think it's fair to say that 2013 has not been the best year for comedy. In this year alone, we've had to suffer through Movie 43 (Cringe- Inducing), A Haunted House (Subpar), Grown Ups 2 (Insufferable) , & Scary Movie 5 (Excruciating). After Scary Movie 5, I thought to myself "This is it, this is as bad as any comedy can get, it's all uphill from here".

Well, turns out that I was wrong, because believe it or not, The Starving Games is EVEN WORSE Than all the movies that I just mentioned. If you've seen/survived Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer' s past movies, then you know what to expect. It's a series of juvenile gags, dated pop culture references, lame celebrity impersonators, cheap production values, and scenes stolen from movies that have nothing to with what they're supposed to be spoofing.

The only good thing about this movie is that it's in limited release, so that no one can spend their money on this garbage.

Getaway (I) (2013)

"Getaway" from this train wreck

[2/10 · 29 August 2013]

The "plot" follows Former race car driver Brent Magna (Played by Ethan Hawke.) Who discovers that his wife has been kidnapped by a mysterious man referred to as the Voice,(Played by Jon Voight.) Who promises to promises to return her to safety if he completes a series of broad and laughable tasks while driving through the streets of Sofia, Bulgaria in a supped up Shelby Super Snake Mustang. Along the way, he runs into the original owner of the Mustang named "The Kid" (Played by Selena Gomez.)

Now, at first glance it's very easy to see that this movie's plot and characters are there to serve as a backdrop for the action, which would at least be tolerable, if the action was any good, sadly that is not the case here. Getaway is weighted Down by it's clunky script and frantic direction. The action sequences are unwatchable, consisting of exhaustingly monotonous and poorly edited car chases. And in the rare moments where it escapes that monotony, it usually crosses the border into unintentional hilarity.

The Acting is terrible. Though in Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez' defense, the horrible dialogue (which consists mostly of sh*t and a**hole) is to more to blame then they are.

Never has a movie been more apply titled than "Getaway". Because it's warning you to "Getaway" and avoid this clunker at all costs.

Scary Movie V (2013)

It's exactly what you'd expect

[2/10 · 29 August 2013]

You know, the Scary Movie franchise might have been stopped being funny after 2, but at the very least 3 & 4 weren't offensively unfunny and had a decent cast (I'm looking at you Seltzerberg.), sadly the same cannot be said for Scary Movie 5. If you've seen any of the trailers, you've pretty much seen the entire movie.

The "plot" follows Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex mimicking scenes from the latest horror flicks the likes of Paranormal Activity, Sinister, Mama, & Evil Dead, & inserting fart jokes. The movie also features a plethora of celebrity cameos from Jerry O'Connell, Terry Crews, Katt Williams, Snoop Dogg, etc. In a painful attempt to squeeze out a laugh from the audience.

This probably won't surprise any of you but.....All of Scary Movie 5' s attempts at humor are Needlessly Vulgar, And painfully unfunny and actually mean-spirited. The only time I remember laughing was Molly Shannon' s cameo. The biggest problem with this movie (Aside from the fact that it exists.) Is a problem that Selter/Friedberg movies have...they're out of date by the time they hit the theater.

Final Verdict: Skip it!