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Reviews
Nine Perfect Strangers (2021)
Never quite became interesting
It boggles my mind that this show has the ratings that it does.
If I'm feeling generous, this show is a mediocre series of disappointments. It was always teetering on the edge of being more, of going in an unexpected direction, but never took the plunge.
Nicole Kidman plays an undead elf from Middle Earth, oh wait, I mean a Russian new age hallucinogenics pusher named Masha. (Apparently for accent training Kidman watched one episode of Boris & Natasha and said "Moose and squirrel.... Moos end Squeerl... Boom, got it!")
Pretty early on you figure out that she's using the resort's guests to trial a combo of therapy and hard drugs, and later you discover that it's so that she can reconvene with a hallucination of her dead child.
Masha is also being stalked by a probably psychotic woman who attached her while disguised as Richard B Riddick with a goatee. That's a big revelation I guess.
And that's it! That's the plot.
Each guest has their own trauma story that's carefully revealed like an episode of The Voice, but other than that, there's no alternative reality, or govt conspiracy, or magic realism, or anything. Just a blonde ghoul macro dosing sad rich people.
There ARE a couple of convincing, impassioned speeches that you'll find poignant if you've experienced loss.
And the ending.... Oh God, the ending! It's terrible. Everyone gets exactly what they want, or something completely bizarre, but they're all happy and no one goes to jail!
I can't tell if this show is was underwritten by big lsd, or if it's just poorly constructed, but either way you're going to find yourself saying "That's it?!"
Vivo (2021)
Good enough for kids
Your kids will enjoy it. It's a kinkajou that sings and dances and there's other animals and it's colorful.
But to be clear, this is 2 hours of Lin Manuel Miranda whine-rapping. Like the sound of air escaping from the sphincter of a balloon, with lyrics added. For 2 hours.
It's LMM unfettered, and he's definitely the type of artist who should be fettered.
You know why Encanto was great? Because there's a pre-existing story, well-developed characters, and they DIDN'T LET LMM VOICE ANY CHARACTERS.
Miranda is a comedy writer who thinks he can be a comedic actor, and I just don't see it.
Bring ear plugs, grown ups.
Licorice Pizza (2021)
Weird, but not weird enough
The basic premise is a classic "will they won't they but they shouldn't because one of them is a minor" love story.
Haim plays a 25 year old unmoored "cool chick" who is seduced by the precocious go-getter 15 year old Hoffman.
The problem with Licorice Pizza is that as weird as the story and characters are, the overall aesthetic and cinematography is pretty standard and thus works against the quasi-magic realism of the tale.
Paul Anderson presents us with a world where young teens can establish a successful business overnight, where Sean Penn jumps fire pits on golf courses, and where Barbara Streisand's boyfriend threatens to kill children.
Children act like adults, adults act like children, and crazy stuff just happens without consequence as a backdrop to an inverted Lolita love story.
But the film's look and feel is so ordinary that it might as well be an episode of the Goldbergs.
Now, Wes Anderson could do this successfully because the whole movie would be shot in four colors, everything would look like a toy model, and the actors would never be allowed to smile. In other words, the stilted suffice artiface of the movie's look would allow for a bizarre story.
The final nail in the coffin is that at it's core this film is a paint-by-numbers love story. They attract each other, they annoy each other and split, then get back together.
The final scene is LITERALLY THE TWO CHARACTERS RUNNING DOWN THE SIDEWALK FROM OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AND THEN EMBRACING.
As wild as crazy as all the stuff is the background is, the movie's primary plot is completely predictable.
To the director's credit though, good on him for giving roles to so many homely actors. 😬
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
Like Gwyneth Paltrow, it's Empty but beautiful
I didn't go into this movie expecting something amazing, because it's Zach Snyder. Not sure why other reviewers thought this was going to be the next Bladerunner 🤷♂️, but I suppose that explains why I was able to enjoy it as soulless entertainment.
This movie is very nice to look at. The CGI space backdrops, the alien designs, S the fight scenes-- all fun to watch.
Everything else is incredible predictable and trite. Whatever you think is going to happen or be uttered next, you're right.
I've done paint-by-numbers that had more twists and turns than this movie, let's put it that way.
Also, sweet superfluous exposition! Each character gets their time to tell us who they are, what their backstory is, what their motivation is... It's as if Zach read the character descriptions the writer did for his benefit, and was like, "Heck, let's just have them SAY this stuff!"
When Chronicles of Riddick came out, people complained that it tried too hard to create an entire space opera universe. (Probably because they wanted Pitch Black 2; honestly I think Chronicles is fantastic).
Rebel Moon is what you get when you don't try at all, when your aspirations are to make a Star Wars Clone. Backworld farmer, Han Solo, British robot, Nazi empire, it's all there.
Honestly, I kind of appreciate that Snyder made the Star Wars stuff so explicit, it's weirdly refreshing.
Barbie (2023)
Two hours of "okay"
I think perhaps my feelings about this movie were negatively affected by all of the marketing and reviewer hype; I expected a great movie, and what I watched was "okay."
Firstly, the cinematography has a very 90s quirkiness to it. I immediately thought "Tank Girl," and not in a good way. It's an anachronistic aesthetic, honestly.
Many of the scenes are a tad long, overstaying their welcome. The script and movie overall could've used another round of revision and editing, to take out 30 minutes of unnecessary dialogue.
If you told me that Greta Gerwig was playing with Barbies one day on the floor, and everything she made the dolls say while playing she then wrote down and it verbatim became the script, I'd believe you.
The overall message of the movie is delivered by the characters in ham-fisted monologues. Now, if the subject was something we've probably never heard of, like the sci-fi concepts in Inception and the Matrix, a stilted monologue feels awkward, but necessary.
But the plight of women in a male hegemony is such a ubiquitous subject, so well known, that to deliver speeches with such zero dramatic subtlety makes me think the movie is better suited for preteens who are only just learning these things.
It's trite, in short.
There are many ridiculous, light scenes mixed with heavy, emotional poignant scenes. And that's fine, that works-- except the transition between those scenes is ungraceful, to the detriment of both types.
The Ken dance scene is fabulous.
Several of the jokes and physical comedy were HILARIOUS, but several of them fell pretty flat.
I really liked Lady Bird. And I know that this movie is very different in tone; I expected that. I like weird stuff, that's not the issue.
This movie's execution feels kind of sophomoric to me, like they thought it was enough that it was a kooky idea, and thus didn't need to apply any editorial rigor that you'd expect in a contemporary movie.
Speak No Evil (2022)
It's a good lead-up, and then flops hard
This movie is extremely good at building tension. The middle of the movie is a series of awkward, and pseudo-confrontational scenarios that slowly build and build till you're on the edge of your seat, waiting for the shoe to drop.
And up until the shoe drops, you can even forgive some of the blatantly stupid moves the couple makes since the cinematic tension-building is so effective.
But the ending is such a self-indulgent, unbelievable torture-porn bleakscape that your frustration with all the previous behavioral plot holes perpetuated by the couple comes rushing back, and leaves a really bad taste in your mouth.
As an American, I wonder if this is supposed to be a parody of Scandinavian politeness, if that's a thing? I don't honestly know any couple that would willingly put themselves through such an unpleasant "vacation," and then do absolutely nothing as their daughter is tortured and kidnapped.
Like, if my wife were the one in the backseat, I'm pretty sure the other woman wouldn't have eyeballs after that.
So yeah, I'd skip this movie unless you like cheap, manipulative Dickensian-level torture porn. Blah. I'm going to go watch Parks and Rec to get this barf taste out of my mouth.
Borrasca (2020)
Better than average, but falls short of good
The first season was promising, before the mystery of Borrasca is revealed. The child actors were very talented, and the format flipping between Cole present day and past was well done.
But honestly, season 2 falls off steeply for me. Cole's voice acting is at times very stilted, like the actor is talking through clenched teeth.
The incidental banter between Sam and Kimber is as annoying as, well, the name "Kimber."
And honestly, the mental gymnastics you have to go through to explain the conspiracy, from a logistical standpoint... It's just too much. Alien abduction would be easier to explain.
I'm not saying it's not worth listening to, but be prepared for season 2 to draaaag.
Heartstopper (2022)
Should be called "Nick Nelson is Nice"
Or maybe "Hug It Out."
It's a sweet show. The characters are likeable, relatable, and it's a pleasant.
There's never anything TOO threatening, overall. You never feel like anything horrible is going to happen, so it's the smooth-jazz of YA shows 🤷♂️
One serious complaint I have:
Towards the end of season 2, the show makes a point of having Henry the bully say things defending others, and Nick and Charlie comment on his ethical evolution.
But then at the end of the season he asks to join their party, and they tell him to kick rocks and slam the door in his face.
What's the lesson there?! Someone actually tries to change their ways and become a better person, and we tell him to effectively off? Nice 🙄
Okay, so alternate title suggestions:
Nick Nelson is Nice
Hugging
Nick & Charlie are Sweetie Pies
Tao has No Self-Confidence and It's Bringing Everyone Down.
Tár (2022)
Quite good, not great
Tar is a film that will ensnare you till the end, even when it ultimately fails to deliver a cohesive package.
It's beautifully shot, and the performances are top notch, but the movie meanders around genres without fully committing.
Is it a traditional tragedy? Is it psychological horror? Is it paranormal horror? ("No" on that last one, but there are some questioning ghostly additions that aren't easily explained, given that Tar is an unrepentant narcissist.)
By the end, we're not even sure that Lydia has "fallen" by anything other than external measures-- she seems singularly focused and driven by the music until the end, regardless of her circumstances.
If you watched the entire series of Lost, you'll be familiar with the introduction of plotlines and elements that are never ultimately addressed or tied up.
And since we live in a world where Black Swan exists, it's inevitable to compare the two as well. The characters are quite different (one the abuser, the other the abused), but they are both about the unraveling of an artist as their personal and professional selves clash.
The big difference in the films themselves is that Black Swan knows what kind of movie it wants to be, while Tar left me thinking "had that been based on a real person's life, the several misdirections would be forgivable."
You People (2023)
Old, tired shtick
This movie is basically Meet the Parents mashed together with an episode of blackish. The comedic elements and formula are twenty years old; I felt like I was in a time warp when watching some of the awkward dialogue and stilted shenanigans.
And the race relations is so incredibly hamfisted and generic, makes me look back at the Boondocks as highly nuanced in comparison.
The only reason, the ONLY reason I'm giving this 5 stars at all, is a hilarious scene with Deon Cole about a hood Tron themed wedding. Honestly, that was comedy gold, and I wouldn't be surprised if he improvised it.
I'd say skip it, unless you're feeling nostalgic for bad 90s romcoms.
Barbarian (2022)
Very good, but the ending needs work
The movie has enough tense moments and twists to keep you riveted, but as it progresses the turn of events become increasingly improbable. (That first half though, chef's kiss.)
The ending could more or less be solved with the following change:
The monster and protagonist do NOT survive the fall, and Justin Long hobbles off to his car and drives away safe.
Cut to his rape trial, where he is convinced and sentenced to 10 years.
Last shot is him getting locked into a cell with a rough-looking cellmate... So the kicker is that he escaped one prison filled with monsters only to find himself locked in another.
The Lodge (2019)
It was okay
It could've been better. Don't get me wrong, the sound design and cinematography were great-- but the plot was just too unbelievable to be good.
You have a dad that leaves his young children ALONE with the sole survivor of a suicide cult.
They lose power, and he can't reach them by cell, but still does nothing.
And the kids set up an elaborate gas lighting scheme, which includes hiding her psych meds, a false hanging, and removing everything from the house?
The plot should've been about the DAD being a psycho, maybe how he's somehow connected to the cult and testing her.
It would also help explain why the mom from the beginning was super religious and committed suicide... Like, make his obsession with cult victims a weird psychopathic obsession.
But as it stands, the plot is just one absurd step after another.
C.H.U.D. (1984)
Pretty disappointing
Stern puts in a convincing performance, but that's the only good thing I can say about this movie.
Firstly, most scenes feel like the writer got up halfway through writing to pee, and then forgot to finish.
You see very little of the monsters, to the point where it's conspicuous, and then the monster design is ultimately disappointing.
One of the main characters, a photographer, is basically pointless.
The ending leaves almost nothing resolved, AND the big bad doesn't get a poetic death!
I'm a big fan of awesomely bad horror movies, but this is just plain bad.