whitezombi Reviews

The Protector (2005)

Worst Plot Ever, Best Action Ever

[6/10 · 16 April 2008]

I know that many action movies have paper thin plots and are only really worth watching for the action scenes, but Yom Yum Goong takes the cake! The acting, dialogue and story line are completely nonsensical and cringe-worthy. A logical plot, scenes that flow well together and threads which tie up neatly at the end are all lacking in this movie.

But what this movie does have is some of the most amazing martial arts actions scenes known to man. The first main action scene with the extreme sports people was impressive, but a bit cheesy and reminiscent of Jackie Chan flicks. Why would anyone choose to have a gang of roller-blading henchmen which can be summoned by a Flintstones style horn which can be heard throughout Sydney?! However, the rest of the scenes are mind blowing and we get to see an amazing array of styles, from Muay Thai, to Kung Fu to Capoera to strongman head-smashing. The scene in the restaurant where Jaa fights countless villains over 6 floors in one continuous shot is simply staggering. I only realised the camera hadn't cut halfway through watching the scene, so I rewound it to check just how long the sequence was: Over 4 minutes! It has to be seen to be believed.

The most impressive bit however, is the final Kill-Bill-esquire sequence in which dozens of nameless henchmen in black suits are dispensed of by a furious and merciless Jaa. It is deliciously brutal and an instant classic.

If you can sit through the unintentionally comedic plot, the phenomenal action sequences make this movie well worth the watch.

Blades of Glory (2007)

lolerskates!

[7/10 · 15 August 2007]

This movie is another one of a long line of Will Farrell movies that are so bad, they're good. As usual, this isn't an intelligent comedy in any respect, but I'll be damned if I didn't bust my gut laughing at least 10 times throughout the movie.

The film is a healthy mix of inane dialogue and visual humour, with both Farrell and Heder giving compelling performances. Farrell is especially gifted with random off the wall comments his arguments with Heder are comedy gold. Even funnier than the dialogue though, are the numerous skating routines in sequined spandex, replete with uber-homoerotic moves which are guaranteed to make you cringe and laugh your a** off at the same time.

My only complaint is that the baddies were quite lame (as baddies go) and their sister doesn't really do much to gain the audience's affection either. I suppose the movie wanted to retain the focus on the two protagonists, which is probably a good idea in this type of flick.

Overall, this is a solid comedy and well worth a watch or two on DVD.

300 (2006)

Comedy of the Year!!!

[1/10 · 13 August 2007]

Forget Evan Almighty or the Simpsons Movie. This summer, if you want a movie you can laugh and guffaw your way through, 300 is the one to go see! This movie takes itself so seriously - from the over-dramatic dialogue, perpetually epic sunsets, Adonis-bodied Spartans in CK briefs, over-the-top acting and the everybody dies finale - it is simply impossible to keep a straight face for more than 2 minutes at a time.

I had read reviews on IMDb which mentioned the lack of quality dialogue and plot in this movie, but nothing could have prepared me for hackneyed lines such as: "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrifice. The price is paid in blood", and "My children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law and by Spartan law we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breaths to defend it!" Freedom isn't free??!! It's as if these lines were taken from the George Bush Book of Inspirational Quotes for Your Troops. Every single line was laden with so much drama and foreboding, you could practically hear the writers screaming "THIS IS AN EPIC SUMMER MOVIE. YAAARRRR!!!!" Also, I'm sorry, but it's simply impossible to take anyone seriously when they're standing around in nothing more than little maroon briefs, a helmet and a cape. When did it suddenly become a Hollywood trend to depict all ancient Greeks as barely repressed homosexuals? I know they dabbled in pederast, but this is just ridiculous. The way they paraded around with bulging pecs and triceps, I was half expecting to see them suddenly ditch their spears and explode into a 300 person epic orgy. Thankfully, they all just died instead.

The one thing that can be said is that the graphics were amazing and painstakingly detailed. But what summer blockbusters aren't these days? In the end, all the CGI in the ancient world can not compensate for the monumental disaster that is 300. Avoid this movie at all costs.

Little Britain (2003–2006)

No but no but no but it's simply not funny

[1/10 · 26 June 2007]

I am completely and utterly baffled by the runaway success of this show. I had heard so much hype about it that when I finally saw the first episode, I expected to be laughing to the point of tears. Instead, not only did I fail to laugh a single time, I actually groaned in disbelief on several occasions. The jokes were plain and simply awful.

The premise of this show is that it offers a hilarious caricature of life and people in Britain. This is only partially the case. Little Britain's characters do indeed resemble exaggerated versions of people in the UK, and they do mimic some Britishisms such as chavy 'yeah, but no, but yeah'. However, the characters are more like poor impersonations than true caricatures. And they most certainly are not hilarious.

There is no intelligence, depth, wit, sarcasm or insight into anyone or anything. Instead, sketches rely on repetition of lame catch-phrases and complete gross out humor. Even then, the gross-out is so poorly done when compared to shows such as South-Park or Family Guy in which disgusting scenes are used in context and with intelligence. This show cannot possibly appeal to you unless you have a sense of humor which stopped developing in primary school (or you actually are in primary school).

If you want a proper example of funny and witty caricatures of Britian, check out the Catherine Tate Show. The lewd and crude grandmother character is guaranteed to have you in stitches. For other great Brit comedies, check out the Green Wing, the Office, Black Adder and of course, the legendary Monty Python crew.

The Majestic (2001)

Tastes Like Saccharine

[2/10 · 25 April 2005]

I can see why this movie appeals to so many people. It is an all-American feel-good movie with a simple message. The writers must have attended the Feel Good School of movies and then thrown in everything from their textbooks into the script.

The movie is set in small-town USA during the 1950s. It inhabitants are all kind, good natured, hard working, community driven people. There is not a single person in this town who is capable of a bad thought. Luke's fiancée Adele is the sweet, pretty (blonde), smart and devoted girlfriend. Luke's father is a gentle old man filled with love for his son and his old movie theater. The mayor is a friendly, community oriented leader. Heck, even the concession stand lady is sweet and lovable. This is such an idyllic portrayal of a town that it comes across and completely unbelievable. This kind of town cannot possible exist on this Earth.

The key poignant moments such as the opening of the theater, Luke's father's death, Adele's talk with Luke at the cemetery and the speech at the HUAC hearing are so over-dramatic it makes you want to wretch. The dialogue is taken straight out of the Big Book of American Clichés is is absolutely cringe-worthy. The movie's themes of freedom of speech, heroism and hope are so simplistic that I felt insulted. A 5 year old could process more complex thoughts.

In addition, the freedom of speech theme comes completely out of nowhere and completely shifts the focus of the movie with 30 minutes to go. It seems like a last-minute add on, thrown in as an easy way to wrap the movie up. When confronting the HUAC in court, Jim Carey simply invokes the First Amendment, tells the committee to go stuff itself and then WALKS OUT of court to a standing ovation. What? Are you serious?! The scene was so ridiculous that I was practically on the floor laughing.

This movie is a complete waste of time for anyone who likes a movie that provokes thought, any thought, even just a little one. If you like to be spoon-fed feel-good Americana, then this is the perfect movie for you.