maris1 Reviews

Entourage (2004– )

Awful stuff

[1/10 · 14 November 2009]

after reading a lot of "Hilarious!" about this show around the net, and how Piven is a comedic turbine here I decided to give Entourage a go. Well that will teach me how not to trust internet people. I've watched the first two seasons and I don't think I've ever seen another successful show in which every single character is an unsympathetic moron, jokes are high school level and unfunny to the maximum, plots are incredibly repetitive and actors are really, really, REALLY bad. This show gets 9.2 here in IMDb, and it makes me wonder about the average IQ present in this site. Every single show starts off one of two ways; there are very few exceptions: either "E" gets a wake-up telephone call from Ari Gold, who's douching it up on a golf course or something, or the four guys (E, Vince, Drama, and Turtle) hang out in the kitchen, engaging in witless, poorly-written banter while Drama cooks breakfast. Vince will be confused about something, Turtle will make a remark about banging some hoes, and Drama will get defensive about something and reference an old acting gig. Keep in mind that this last for about two or three minutes, which amounts to roughly 1/10th of the show. And people like this? And finally, there's Ari Gold, the boastful, obnoxious agent who treats everyone around him like crap. Like Drama, it's the same thing with Ari every episode: he kissed Vince's ass, makes some dumb jokes about Lloyd's knees being dirty, delivers half of his lines with the palms of his hands together and placed under his bottom lip, and delivers the other half with his arms spread and a big, stupid grin on his arrogant face. And for all this the guy won an Emmy? Whatever. If you do enjoy Entourage, that's just fine and dandy. I hope you enjoy the upcoming season. For me, though, it's redundant, amateur crap

Future Force (1989)

Future Farce

[10/10 · 11 May 2009]

A quick look at the pictures could already give you an idea about the quality, or lack thereof, of this movie. But make no mistake, this is one of the most entertaining flicks ever made for a lot of reasons

Futuristic cop, I mean C.O.P. John Tucker, the legendary David Carradine, sweeps the mean streets of a crime infested LA with no big troubles whatsoever. It's just daily routine to him, the best gunman in the city. But when Marion Sims, a brave reporter (Anna Rapagna before her breakthrough in Hollywood) publicly accuses Jason Adams (William Zipp), powerful businessman and head of C.O.P.S. (the bounty-based private law enforcement corp Tucker works for) of being a criminal, she's immediately marked as "traitor" and finds all the money hungry C.O.P.S. chasing her. Tucker finds her first, and it becomes the two of them versus ALL of them.

that's for the summary, I don't want to spoil no more for you because you have to watch this movie. You. Have. To. Directed by David Prior, a man who's quite gotten a hand for action, this movie opens with David Carradine against two nasty criminals Mano a Mano. First thing you'll realize is the fact the future LA looks suspiciously similar to the 1990 LA. In fact, even 1985 circa LA. I believe the authors went for the cheap "Let's make it a not too distant future in which the men have become like cowboys, style and fashion are things of the past, and nostalgia really kicks in big time" which is the poorest excuse for trying to hide a dangerously low budget. Next thing you'll think is "Hold on, is Carradine that fat for real?". Yeah, he is. He sports a supreme beer belly with perfect aplomb here, not even joking about the fact he's out of shape. He's really convinced he's menacious looking. After a quick series of badly choreographed moves, delivered as slowly as possible by lumpy David, we're introduced to movie's biggest feature: the power glove. It's not the Nintendo one, but it's possibly even lamer. When Carradine wears it, it releases a stream of superimposed blue intersected lines Prior wants us to think it's electricity. Oh well. Then the two criminals want to run, but not before they run over our man with their crappy car. Bad idea. Tucker makes quick work of the guys, and shoots a beam which flips their car upside down. And that's just the first five minutes!

Billy, played with - I must admit - some honest effort by DC Douglas, is the wheelchair-bound tech whiz. Billy spends his life surrounded by computers and keyboards, and gives Tucker all the info he needs to cash the bounty in before the other C.O.P.S.

then we have Jason Adams, superbly played by William Zipp, enjoying his criminal life when Channel-3 reporter Marion Sims (Anna Rapagna, who's quite cute) tells everyone he's a bad bad man. Adams loses his temper and sends his best man Becker (hunky Robert Tessier) to put..a zip on her mouth, possibly forever. After this intense prelude all you get is car chase after car chase, Tucker gunning down every single C.O.P. with no effort whatsoever, Adams dead, Becker dead, Tucker's quasi girlfriend Roxanne dead, Billy dead

funniest moments: I'd like to say the whole movie's a big laugh , and indeed it is. But just to satisfy your curiosity: the sound effects are comically poor. When Tucker grabs the two guys' car at the beginning with the PG, they floor the accelerator and wheels spin like mad. The sound they produce is 100% the same from The Flintstones, when Fred uses his feet as brakes. Or when Becker suddenly pulls his gun to assassinate Father Grimes' bodyguard, its identical to the SCHLOCK sound you make when you open a jar of marmalade. Acting is miserable. Carradine's undoubtedly drunk most of the time, and he moves as slow as my grandpa after the last stroke. If I ever seen a shabby human being, that's Dave in this flick. Plot doesn't make any sense. Tucker rescues Marion and finds out all the C.O.P.S. are on fire trying to find and kill them. Then he goes to the only bar every C.O.P hangs in and obviously everyone wants to kill him. Why the hell does he go there then? Adams orders Becker to slap a bounty on Marion's head, and watches his henchman typing and tapping on his PC for two minutes. Then he tells him he wants to take care of it "personally". Then why does he let Becker write it down if he wants to do it alone? Becker watches Roxanne letting Tucker go, since she loves him (she must be blind), then he kills Roxanne after telling her she's a sentimental *beep*. It would have been logical to kill Tucker instead of waiting for Roxanne and kill her..who cares about her? But no, Becker is a precise guy and wants to discuss Roxanne's behavior first

-and let's not forget the PG's remote, which has ONE button but can do a variety of things like send the glove wherever you want it to fly, punch, grab, hold, strangle, shoot and so on. Conversations that go like "Becker you're head of security , how could it happen?" "I checked the offices 24/24, trust me its a bluff"" Then what's on that tape?" "Well nothing" answers the confused Becker

paraplegic Billy being shot down and suddenly raising his legs like an acrobat before dying, the multitude of Z-costars, Tucker shooting through a cardboard TV, Carradine's too tight jeans and so on.

In a word: awesome. Get a VCR and the VHS, you're going to laugh for a long, long time

Air Force One (1997)

Air Farce One

[1/10 · 20 August 2008]

My god, I can't honestly believe there's someone who actually thinks this movie is to be taken seriously.

I've been forced to give this movie a 1 because IMDb doesn't let me use a zero. This atrocious thing can be described with three words: insult to intelligence. Want me to be more specific? Here we go 1) the whole premise is stupid enough to make those who love this movie appear even dumber in comparison. The President, trapped inside the AFO with a bunch of Russian terrorists, grabs a gun and kills everyone, saving the day. If this doesn't make you smile, you must be some really mentally challenged person 2) the patriotism. I will never understand how a German director ends up being more patriotic than the most patriotic republican hillbilly, but this really sets a new standard: The President single handedly decimating an entire platoon of uber-trained Russian soldiers. The red, white, blue wires line. The teenage daughter smack-talking the Russian leader "My father is a great man", the American general "The president will use his glove to send that Russian.." etc. I could go on and on. It's a huge turn off when there's a large amount of US patriotism in some movies, but this one is actually built around that premise. Vomit inducing is the only way I can use to describe my feelings.

3) action. Action is professionally directed, but dull. Photography is so bland and soft it looks like a TV movie, thus making everything look as if it were filmed in your living room.

4) characters. Cardboard characters all around. The Russian dude is a joke, the VP is bland as hell, the President is so strong and invincible you'd actually think he was created in a lab, daughter is annoying, everyone else is totally shallow 5) inconsistencies. besides the already mentioned joke hijacking, we also have thousands of bullets shot and not one hitting the fuselage; people parachuting off the plane at insane height and speed with their hair barely moving; two Harriers unable to hit a plane unless they're 20 feet from it, and on, and on..

final comment: if insane patriotism doesn't bother you; if uninteresting and insipid characters are your favourite meal; if dull and unexciting action is your game; if anti-climatic and ridiculously bad CGI ridden endings are your league; if you can go on with a list of inconsistencies, mistakes, crappy lines and horrible special effects and if you can't choose between this crap and a moltitude of GOOD and DECENT action movies then AFO is the movie for you. But let me tell you something: I'm not envious

The Marine (2006)

Trash quality, but not in a funny way

[1/10 · 19 August 2008]

I've just stumbled on this movie and I thought "why not? Perhaps it's so bad it's funny" and I must admit it showed potential on that part. First thing you'll see is the opening sequence: John Cena in a Marine official suit saluting the audience, with the American flag as background. Enormous potential for a funny trash movie.

If you read some of the best reviews here you'll find a lot of hilarious comments like "John Cena is an excellent actor". "Pure '80 fun" and "This movie is what's so great about America". Those people are clearly girls or boys in their teens who've been fed with MTV bull, PS2 games and cheap CGI . Let's dimanstle them in a quick way

1) John Cena is an excellent actor. If this guy was serious, and the way he wrote it would imply so, then we're in dire need of some obligatory school lessons about funny action movies 2) Pure '80 fun. No, no it's not. The '80 gave us the finest cheesy action with Commando, Rambo 2, Die Hard and so on. Those were funny movies. This movie is abysmal.

3) Let me tell you that if this movie's what's so great about America, then America must really stink as nation.

Because "The Marine", an action movie starring John Cena, Robert Partick, Kelly Carlson and some other useless wannabe actors doesn't even try to be ironic or make fun of itself as it should; in fact, it tries to be a serious action movie. But let's make a quick summary to help you understand the atrocity of The Marine:

plot: clichéd as hell. Those who say "but man, this is a rad action movie, who cares about the plot??" are forgetting that ALL the good action movies have some decent plot: Predator, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Face Off, Hard Boiled (god forbid me). This has none: villains kidnap Cena's wife, Cena smashes everything including passing through a couple of houses while hanging on a truck, Cena rescues his loved one. All this crap would actually resemble Commando, but you have a lot of humor and gags there, absolutely necessary for an over the top movie. There's zero here.

John Cena: he's probably the worst actor you'll ever see. His face remains exactly the same plain thing during the whole movie; when he kisses his wife, when he's angry, when he's sad, when he's happy, when he's a douche. Go watch the first tree you find down the road, and that's Cena's performance in a nutshell

dialogues: ... movie's in dire need of some irony, but like I already pointed out, it tries to be serious. A series of one liners trying to be funny, but they're just lame as hell. It's not even unintentionally funny. It's just boring.

in short, don't even consider renting this crap for some laughs with your friends, you'll bore them to tears. Get Taxxi, The transporter or Snatch if you want tome dumb but ultimately funny action. It's a dangerous mixture of zero plot and acting, frenzied editing, bad CGIed explosions. It's just awful. But I don't want you to miss the movie intro with Cena's salute. Come on, it's ten seconds worth of your money

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl (2008)

Kitt Kittredge: An American Cliché Fest

[4/10 · 6 July 2008]

You can't help but think about how disastrous the current situation in Hollywood is when the umpteenth representative of the infamous category "cliché ridden, sugar coated American cute movies" arrives, and you've got to go see it because your niece is crying about itsince the first announcement. I didn't think Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl could've been an exception to the rule, but I was hoping it kind of would because I thought the atypical scenario, different era and diverse cast could have delivered a rather unique movie. It didn't happen, sadly. Kitt Kittredge is about a little girl in Cincinnati trying to become a great journalist during the Depression, while her parents and the US are struggling to get out of the tragic events that were occurring at that time. Is this movie bad? In short, yes. It's got a talented cast, but their lines and performances are mediocre at best. You can't blame the actors for everything that's wrong in this movie, anyway, because the script certainly didn't help. A really big number of clichés already seen in a thousands other movies, ridiculous gags that make you smile for how bad they are, characterizations that are so stereotyped and dull you won't believe it. This movie pushes itself even further, though, when it kicks the cheap cry pedal. There are a lot of scenes in which you're supposed to cry, but delivery is so phoned and trite you're left wondering how could anyone more than six years old would fall into these cheap Hollywood tricks in which they make you automatically cry via a mix of pompous music, ruffian camera angles and redundant lines. This is how Hollywood typically does it, but it doesn't work here. I'll keep it short: if you want to teach your sons about how the Depression was, read 'em a book, even the American Doll ones will do. Do not waste your time with this really, really cheap product which might very well be the biggest cliché fest Hollywood had produced in years. Avoid it.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

The worst so far

[4/10 · 1 May 2006]

There were big expectations for this adaptation.A acclaimed director,a great cast and one of the best HP books with lots of great moments which could have look spectacular on screen...but I must admit they managed to ruin everything.

I understand the fact that a book must be compressed and adapted to fit onto a blockbuster movie,but wow,they really pushed it

there's no Quidditch world cup match,Dursleys,Rita Skeeter being an animagus,Sphynx,giant spider,house elves

Draco,Snape,McGonagall,Karkaroff and Hagrid have less than zero screen time.

the editing is probably the worst thing.The scenes are so fast paced you may think it's one of the horrible Michael Bay products,but then you realize it's HP and if you're a fan,you're already ripping off your hair in pain.You jump from a touching moment,to a intense action scene,to a funny gag with absolutely no sense. If you haven't read the book you will not even understand the whole evil plan behind the tournament,and if you stop thinking about it for a moment the movie's already over

It is really too fast,everything's blurry,and it's a shame since there are some spectacular scenes.It's a waste of SFX and talent

a big,huge disappointment for all the fans.Do yourself a favor,stick to "Prisoner of Azkaban",which is the best adaptation so far,and avoid this one like if it was some deadly illness...or you will be disappointed more than me

4/10

Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)

A highly entertaining work of art

[10/10 · 6 April 2006]

How would you define a movie classic?A movie classic is a movie that doesn't age,and you can watch it when you're 10,20 or 30 and still find the same magic you found the first time you saw it. Rupan sansei:Kariosutoro no shiro-Lupin the third:the castle of Cagliostro in English-is a movie classic,but let's start from the beginning.

Lupin the third was created by Japanese mangaka Monkey Punch.After a colossal success on paper,the franchise has moved into three anime series of equal success and it's still present nowadays thanks to the animated movies."Cagliostro" was the first of this new incarnation

First of all,let's introduce the characters: Lupin III is the Japanese descendant of famous french thief Arsene Lupin,or so he claims to be.The world's greatest thief,he's also a master of disguise.Clownish and bumbling,he's always tracked down by inspector Zenigata,who always fail to capture him.It's not his fault tho,since Lupin also has escape skills of superhuman ability. He has a long time crush on Fujiko Mine,and that causes him more troubles than he'd ever want to admit

Jigen Daisuke:one of Lupin's two best friends,Jigen is a marksman of uncanny accuracy.Of American-Japanese heritage,he can shoot the antennae off of an ant.Always smoking,he never wears his hat off,because he uses the brim to aim.

Goemon Ishikawa:Lupin' second best friend and mate,he is the archetype of a samurai.A real master,he's very strong and agile,but it's when he pulls off his sword that things become really dangerous.His Zantetsu-Ken("the sword that can slice metal")has been created with meteor fragments,and can cut everything.Even iron and steel. Goemon is quiet and silent,and doesn't trust women.Seeing Fujiko,he does have a point,actually

Fujiko Mine:Beautiful and highly skilled woman,she always uses her feminine wiles to their full advantages.She's very dangerous and her only wish is to become richer and richer.Lupin is madly in love with her,which causes him to almost always lose everything he gets.Fujiko is a excellent thief and probably,the smartest of the bunch.

Inspector Zenigata:a Japanese Interpol inspector,hes constantly frustrated by Lupin's ability to escape his highly intelligent traps.But he's so devoted to capturing the world's most wanted thief that he never gives up,even tho he always end up at biting the dust

OK,you pretty much got it,don't you?The synopsis is as simple as it gets,but what makes Lupin so special is the excellent mix of all those ingredients:exotic places,immense treasures,lovely ladies,lots of well-paced action,incredible escapes and good laughs.

But what does this movie do,to reach the Olympus?One word:Miyazaki. Acclaimed all around the world "the best animation director of all times",he puts his magic into this franchise.If you don't know what magic I'm talking about watch Mononoke Hime or Spirited Away;do yourself a pleasure,watch them.And then you will agree with all the people saying it,including me.

He puts the well-working Lupin franchise into a superbly written story,with brilliant dialogs and deep,interesting characters. The animation is that good.And the pacing?Simply incredible.This is not "The Incredibles",this is not cgi,this is not a 10000000 times already told story.This is great action,great laughs,great direction,touching moments,superb soundtrack...and a final showdown really worth it. Not the best animated movie ever,but damn if it's not close. If you don't know Lupin yet do yourself a favor..go out and buy this work of art,you will not regret a single penny.If you already know Lupin,you SHOULD have bought this years ago,fool! I recommend you...no,I COMMAND you to buy Cagliostro.Don't miss it.

10/10

Video Girl Ai (1992)

A true gem

[10/10 · 4 March 2006]

You don't have to be a anime fan to appreciate the greatness of Video girl Ai". The anime version is only about six episodes and covers only the first two-three books,but it cannot be missed since everything,from the main theme to the animation,to the ending song is beautiful.

When I saw Video girl ai for the first time I was 16,just like the majority of the characters.And I was so impressed by the fact Masakazu Katsura was so able to represent all the feelings boys and girls at that age have I immediately bought all the 17 volumes,and after reading all of them in bout three days I was completely speechless,overwhelmed by so much greatness,so much touching moments,so much perfection.

It has to be,in my opinion,if not the best manga ever at least one of the best.And the Anime version is none to less...when the beautiful ending song will begin you will find yourself asking for more,and more,and more of Ai,Yota,Moemi and Takashi.

You will love all of them.And you will fall in love with Ai,you have my word.

RoboCop (1987)

Entertaining,but not what it could have been

[1/10 · 23 December 2005]

I saw "Robocop" on TV for the first time in 1990,and I actually enjoyed it even tho I was just a teenager.I liked the action and the violence,and Robocop himself looked cooler than everything...so what's not to like about this sci-fi action?First of all,the Verhoeven touch:the Dutch director loves the extreme violence and Robocop doesn't make exception..I actually have no problem with violence in movies,it could be funny as hell and also a sign of style.John Woo in his best Chinese days directed some of the best action movies I've ever seen,and they all had oceans of blood in em.But Verhoeven is different,his representation of violence is pure splatter and gratuitous.You can almost see the smile of his face when he represents the ultra-violent Murphy's execution by Clarence and his men.And then we see brains splattered,eyes ripped off,a guy obliterated by a malfunctioning prototype and so on.So this is the first problem,the over the top,gratuitous violence. The second problem is the crappy stop motion.I don't know why they used a horribly animated ED-209 instead of a real-size thing,but the scenes in which we see it,it looks hilarious. Third thing:not so much and not so good action.Don't get me wrong,Verhoeven is capable of filming some good action-Total Recall over all-,but this movie needed more and better scenes because it has such a cool character. Peter Weller does a good job although we mostly see him with his iron mask on,but it must have been a pain to wear that suit.Good supporting characters and a always great Kurtwood Smith who portrays the ruthless crime lord Clarence Butticker-so brave that he thinks he could go hand to hand with Robocop,and obviously fails with one eye less.The soundtrack is great,nothing to say about it.

Last word:Robocop is a good movie,it has a good screenplay and it's entertaining,but leaves a lot to be desired.Cut off the flick all the things I mentioned above and you will have a great action sci-fi drama.If only they gave it to a different director.....