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Reviews
I Love You Phillip Morris (2009)
Are you in a good mood? Would you like to watch a comedy?... RUN NOW!!
So my loved one and myself were in the mood for a nice and gritty comedy, and judging by the cover, the cast, the tag line and most importantly the title... "I Love you, Phillip Morris" seemed like a great pick. Never before had we been ROBBED by a movie so badly. Never. Not even with vastly inferior movies such as, say, "Funny Man". With bad movies (even more so with utter garbage), it usually doesn't take much longer than 15-20 minutes to know for sure it's not worth your time and/or money. This film is something else entirely. It's as if it had been specifically designed (and brilliantly at that) to TRAP the innocent, the cheerful and the nice. Once trapped (thanks to the first 15 minutes or so, you know, the part of the movie that's actually a comedy), "downhill" isn't quite enough to describe how far into Hell you'll be sent emotionally speaking.
The title is not even a pun of any kind, by the way: one of the two main character's name just so happens to be Phillip Morris, and no one in the studio apparently picked up on the blatant fact that it was grossly misleading to leave it at that. Even though it's based on a true story, and the real guy's name might be that, isn't it obvious enough that the biggest cigarette brand in the history of ever is a little more well-known and recognizable than one random guy who happens to be gay and in love with one random selfish conman? There are tons of guys who happen to be a Michael in a Jackson family, too. And I'm sure at least a few of them did something uninteresting and/or depressing enough in their tiny private life to peak the interest of Jim Carey too. But if a movie came out called "I owe you one, Michael Jackson" and it included no reference whatsoever to the King of Pop, wouldn't you feel robbed? Same here.
The story? Bah. It's actually "based on a true story" apparently, except that for the first time in Hollywood's history, that fact was deliberately made ambiguous. During the opening credits, a message appears that reads "this really happened, it really did" or something to that comical effect. This is of course to ensure that as many viewers as possible will be misled into thinking it actually is pure fiction (which isn't too hard to assume based on the ridiculous life of the protagonist). It's only at the very end of the movie, when they'll let you know more clearly what actually happened to the main characters in real life that you'll no longer doubt it (incenditally after the emotional torture that is this movie occurred). It's minuscule and very sad and pathetic, but since you'll start off by feeling a strong sympathy for Jim Carey's character because the intro is really good fun, you'll be trapped within it all (if you don't follow my friendly advice and steer clear of this horror).
I don't see what more I could say. This movie should be banned, and I fail to understand how people cruel and mean enough to have made it can exist. This is a drama disguised as comedy to make you as miserable as possible. Run while you still can! I mean it.
Last but not least, a personal note to Jim Carey: you've crossed the line, now. You've clearly and thoroughly abused your comical talent in order to fool good people into thinking they were paying to have fun, when in fact your sole ambition was to ruin their mood and possibly scar them for life. I'll never trust you again.
Blue Seduction (2009)
OK to watch if you're bored. Otherwise...
I stumbled on this movie completely at random, and I was not expecting anything special. Thank god for that.
This movie is not as awful as the two other reviews (at the moment) are saying it is. It's just pretty much clichéd. It's obvious they were trying to play it "Wild Things", but hey, not every writer is Stephen Peters. The scenario is quite easy to guess, which is always a problem for that kind of movie : it's all about the ending, of course, and if that ending is foreseeable... well, it kind of throw the whole plot out of the window.
Also, the direction is very conventional. Nothing new, nothing really pleasant, but nothing catastrophic either. It's just 100 % old school.
However, I disagree with the previous reviewers about the acting. It's not brilliant, that's for sure, but it's OK. We can't expect much more from the actors for a simple TV movie.
All in all, I wouldn't advise anyone to watch this movie, but I wouldn't beg them not to. It's not great, it's forgettable, but if you've got nothing else to do, you can give it a try. Just watch it while doing some crosswords to keep your mind busy. ;)
Gamer (2009)
If the cake was a lie, this movie takes the cake!
How to make a nasty meal using great ingredients...
Take fantastic actor Michael C. "Dexter" Hall for a movie. Take the puzzling and intriguing concept we all've been toying with in the back of our heads since the release of the first Sims game (and much prior to that for sci-fi writers and some fans): virtual, guiltless, risk-free experience of our countless fantasies. Take a big budget.
What do you expect the result to be? If you've answered "a brilliant movie", please get out. If you guessed "a vivid tribute to the careers of Steven Seagal/Dolph Lundgren/Jean-Claude Van Damme (put name of a big star of mindless action movies here) starring Dexter and with a few sex and violence scenes thrown in the mix for pure shock value", you might have seen the movie already.
According to the director/writers of the movie, geeks are first and foremost fat and brainless dudes who get turned on in front of their computer by any kind of sex representation, thanks for the cliché, and gamers are stupid and idle wealthy teenagers who got nothing better to do in their life, thanks for the second cliché. As both a geek and a gamer, friend of geeks and gamers, I have to say this: if you don't know what geeks and gamers are, don't do a movie about them; if you don't know that they will be the first ones to go see the movie, don't insult them by pretending the movie is made for them in the first place... I'm sorry, but a film that's all about a not-so-far time when we'll be controlling people by the tips of our hands is nothing but a dream for all of us who read Sci-Fi books and spend hours on video games, so you can't both ask us to see the movie and treat us like we're all douche-bags with no life and no empathy whatsoever.
Now that this is out of the way, let's talk about the story itself. Not about the super cool concept that's been wasted from the beginning, but about the storyline itself. We follow some uninteresting man trying to get out of a video game in which he is - magnificently well - controlled by a lazy teenager. Cos he wants to get back to his family: his unbearable mindless wife, who is controlled by a fat pervert in another video game, and who uses her as a virtual porn star ; and his daughter, who has been put up for adoption. The daughter being almost non-existent, we don't really care about what's happening to her. Like, at all. The big bad guy of the movie is of course Mister Hall, as if incarnating one of the most brilliant TV characters of all time could give any kind of credibility to his boring and stupid character in the movie. So we're there, watching an unlikable guy fighting unlikable enemies to get back to an unlikable woman and an invisible child. Yeah. That's so what I was looking for: a stupid chick flick.
Don't get me wrong here. I have nothing against chick flicks. But I went to see a Sci-Fi action-filled concept-bubbling movie.
Oh yeah, let's talk about the action too. Ever watched a movie in which the cam is so shaky you're not really sure what's going on? Ever watched a movie in which stunts are not well-made, fights look bad and boring, and the music really doesn't help? Well, you've got the idea on what to expect. Aside from discovering that Michael C. Hall is pretty good-looking with his shirt off, there's nothing joyful, ecstatic or jubilating watching the fights. And that's kind of tiresome since the movie is full of them.
One more comment has to be made, and it holds in one word: CONSISTENCY. In the realm of Gamer, only death row inmates who struck a deal with the government are allowed to risk their lives in the WAR game, otherwise this would be illegal and just plain wrong. This point is made (forced down the viewer's throat) several times. BUT it is absolutely fine to rape, torture, mutilate, purposely give diseases to and even kill ANY regular citizen as long as they happen to have a regular job as "actors" for the DATE game... Go figure (just a figure of speech, here — avoid this stinker at all costs)!
All in all, a promising concept that doesn't hold a flicker of enjoyment. A boring, badly directed, badly written and not very well acted either movie that will make you regret having ever seen it. If you love Sci-Fi, if you love video games, if you love Dexter and if you love movies at least. Other than that, you're safe to give it a go...
Be Kind Rewind (2008)
Not a COMPLETE waster of time (IF you have nothing better to do)
First of all, if you're really going to watch this, be prepared to be bored beyond death for the first half hour: either skip it altogether or do something else while it's playing, but don't pay too much attention until you finally hear the word "Ghostbusters"; that's when the actual movie really starts.
Once the unbearably boring intro is out of the way, be ready for a movie that'll make you smile constantly all the while feeling slightly ashamed of finding this funny somehow. A good comparison would be watching stupid stunts on TV like Jackass, or perhaps on FailBlog: you feel sorry for them, want to put them out of their misery and yet can't help grinning like a mean, mean child. Being stoned or drunk out of your mind certainly won't hurt the experience, in fact it'll improve it greatly. Just do NOT expect any kind of sense to come out of it. Enjoy!
Surrogates (2009)
Nice movie, but nothing brand new under the sun...
I'm a sucker both for science-fiction and for Bruce Willis. So I was quite looking forward to watching this movie. Yet it didn't exactly fulfill my expectations.
So we follow Mr Willis in a world in which people use surrogates, which are robots that can act and connect in real life, comfortably guided by their owners from the bed or the couch. Bruce Willis plays a policeman who has to investigate the murder of a wealthy boy. And who has to deal with the few remaining "anti-surrogates" people. So far, so good. A simple plot, nothing too new or too complicated about it. But that's kind of the problem. See, in the massive science-fiction universe (I'm mostly talking about books, but you'll find it in many movies and TV shows as well), the concept is pretty much old news. To make it really interesting, you need to add a lot of twists and have some solid characters to have the viewer captivated. And the film lacks of both. The story is simple, but far too predictable. The characters are not really interesting ; some of them being plainly unlikable.
However, this is not a bad movie, and you may even find some moments enjoyable. But it's definitely not a worth-see. Just catch it on TV in a few months, but don't go out renting it. It's nice, but it's not worth your money either.
World's Greatest Dad (2009)
Hilarious and Entertaining!
Before watching this, I read the IMDb comments and was really not expecting a great movie. Actually, I was a bit reluctant - but I had nothing better to do, so I gave it a try. Lots of people seemed to think the movie was gross, stupid, but above all, not remotely funny. That's why you shouldn't read reviews before deciding what to watch: these guys were plain idiots with no sense of humor...
Now to the movie itself. It's a dark comedy, alright. And if you don't laugh reading Oscar Wilde or watching The Hangover or A Film With Me In It, you certainly won't like it, so there's no point in wasting your time not enjoying it and then complaining about it. The movie is all about death, lies, suicide, false feelings, stupidity of the crowds and pretense. Not for the easily-shocked uptight average viewer. But if you're into dark humor and believe that any subject is laughable, then you are going to really love it. Me and the person I watched it with were laughing so hard I thought I was going to choke at some point.
Robin Williams is absolutely excellent and gives such a brilliant performance that you can't help but like him and cross your fingers any time something new happens on screen. As a matter of fact, all of the actors were pretty good and believable, from the staff of the school to the students themselves - I particularly liked the old lady living next door (I'm sorry I don't remember her name).
The ending may leave some people slightly disappointed - I'm not talking about the message that other reviewers didn't get, since I matter-of-factly totally agree with it - but how the dad reacts at the end might be puzzling. It didn't ruin it for us, though.
I would recommend the movie to anyone who knows how to laugh at anything, and I am certainly going to buy this DVD asap - that's the kind of movie I'd love to watch again. All in all, a brilliant comedy, hilarious and entertaining, with an excellent cast and a subtle and clever direction.
I give 9 out of 10. A must-see!
When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)
Excellent crap!
Okay, so...
1) Akeeta = "smurf"!
2) If you don't speak French, you're missing out on two of the funniest expressions of the crappy pseudo-prehistoric gibberish. "Kaasta" sounds just like "Casse-toi!" which is French for "get lost!" and "Kaakoo" = "kakou" which sort of means "jackass".
3) Mountain cavemen take Aztec ritual sacrifices to the sun VERY seriously: if by any chance, a victim gets lost at sea without the proper mumbo jumbo, they will go to hell and back to get her back, so they can kill her again, only properly this time around! Same goes for whoever they might want dead.
4) Plus, they're Nazis.
5) Sea cavemen are peaceful rasta hippies with an ear for world music. Men are quite gay, wearing g-strings and dancing together. Women never do anything besides going berserk whenever someone shouts the word "neecro" in front of them.
6) Whatever tribe they may come from, NO "caveman" EVER actually saw a CAVE. It scares the crap out of them!
7) When on the beach, walk a few feet to move to the desert. When in the desert, a few feet to the mountains. From there, a few more feet will lead you to the jungle. The world sure was a small place back then.
8) A half-mile tall dinosaur won't harm a child by walking on it, but a two feet long pterodactyl can lift a grown man without effort. Men's toothpicks are a supreme weapon against dinos, but useless against crabs.
9) If your dino friend hands you a freshly killed deer, you will still have to hurry and get some tiny fish (by diving with your mouth open), else you'll starve to death!
10) Tie yourself to a raft and a tsunami can't harm you.
Funny Man (1994)
Worst Piece of CRAP ever.
I can't for the life of me understand what the heck the users who posted about this movie before me were on when they commented it. I bought this movie at a supermarket wholesale at about $1.50 (bundled with another crappy horror movie) and it was still one of the biggest waste of money I ever got tricked into! And to even think for a second that it was actually NOMINATED for any other award than "crappier film of the decade"...
The story gives cliché a bad name. The dialog is so poor and so boring that "less worse" lines sound almost fine. The movie had such a low budget that they used the same room for most of the scenes, and I am pretty sure they decided to give all the money to hire actors to Christopher Lee, so that they had to ask the technicians to play the other parts. Furthermore, aside from the wife at the very beginning, all women roles are played by transvestites, which adds to the real ridicule of the film. The quality is overall very poor, and obviously they did not think of buying a few spots to make scenes clear for the viewer. The costumes look like they've been stolen from some poor bums, except from the black lady (???) who comes straight from "Hair".
If you ever had the weird idea to watch this movie, just stop right now. This is for your own sake.