therealmusashi Reviews

Seraphim Falls (2006)

B-movie with A-list actors. Shame. (may contain spoilers)

[3/10 · 13 January 2008]

Let me start by saying I'm generally a Brosnan fan, and also a Neeson fan. My problems with this movie are pretty sweeping, though.

These days, a revenge story needs at least a little something to set it apart - even if it's just in the execution, the direction, the performances - something. This film didn't have anything to help it rise above. In fact, some scenes are so predictable and contrived, that it felt very much like a B-movie to me.

The brief history we're given about Neeson's previous life feels fake, and sloppy. It's just there to tell us why there's a conflict between these two men, and it feels tacked on. Also, its execution is ridiculous and implausible. If you take it at face value, it's just a stupid accident that could've been avoided if *anyone* there did *anything* other than watch, open-mouthed. It's told in a flashback, and supposed to give Neeson's character his much-need pathos, but it feels as contrived as a comic book super villain's back story.

While Brosnan does give a somewhat likable and quirky performance for the most part, I couldn't help wondering why this Civil War officer couldn't shake his Irish/British accent. Maybe my memory's hazy but I thought both Brosnan and Neeson had (at one point in their careers) been able to affect convincing American accents. It's just one more little detail about this film that strikes me as lazy.

If Neeson himself was an ex-soldier, and had hired some trackers/bounty hunters to get Brosnan, then the number of times he times escapes (and how it happens on screen) is just plain embarrassing. This is part of why this whole thing feels like actors going through the motions. At this point, any viewer says to himself "Oh, well, he had to escape, so the rest of the pursuers can get killed off one-by-one, and then we can have the final showdown, Mano-a-Mano." Basically, you have to become an apologist for this ridiculous script in order to make it through to the end.

And, of course, before the end, the filmmaker desperately wanted to add some kind of psychobabble to give some depth to this paper-thin story, so we get Anjelica Huston hitting us over the head with some goofy, allegorical role. Totally unnecessary. Sloppy, ham-fisted direction. I feel pretty generous, giving this a 3 out of 10.

Skip this one, and save yourself the disappointment.

The Humanoid (1986 Video)

Enjoyable, not too deep.

[5/10 · 10 June 2006]

If you're a fan of Battle of the Planets, Transformers, Bubblegum Crisis, Macross, Robotech or other 80s anime, you'll likely enjoy this.

Contrary to what the review states, the animation is pretty much par for the course for anime released at that time, and some sequences are quite good.

It's main flaw is that it tackles a subject too deep and complex for a 45 min. feature. Can a robot love a human? Is it really love? Spielberg's "A.I." explored this concept in a much more mature, lengthy, and engaging fashion, but The Humanoid is still fun viewing.

If you find it now, it'll be cheap. My version is the original VHS, released in 1986 in Japan. There are a couple of newer versions, on DVD, and I don't know what they contain. Enjoy.

The Punisher (2004)

This time, the critics were right. Punisher 2004 sucks.

[1/10 · 26 August 2005]

It's a shame that a comic book with years of great writing can be reduced to this B-movie garbage by people who obviously just don't "get it." It's also a shame that Marvel let this happen.

I'm a big fan of the comics, and have been since their creation - but this movie was a half-hearted, pathetic attempt to rake in some more cash because of the recent success of other comic-based movies. At least, that's the only reason I can think of that this movie was created and (obviously) rushed to the screen. It certainly wasn't a labor-of-love type film by someone who grew up reading the comics and had been waiting for the right time in his career to produce a faithful adaptation.

Other users have said this, but for anyone considering seeing this film: skip it.

If you are a comic fan, and MUST see a Punisher-based movie, see the earlier one with Dolph Lundgren. It was a flawed B-movie as well, but at least Lundgren's portrayal of Frank Castle was much more aligned with the character in the comic book. He was a jaded, cynical, emotionless assassin - detached from the "real" world, his only solace found in offing criminals. He was never some available guy hanging around an apartment with a bunch of needy losers looking for a relationship. The comic has never been a life-affirming feel-good story with an uplifting ending. It's a jaded look at the seedy underworld, in which Frank Castle is routinely tortured, and anyone who gets close to him eventually gets killed.

The Punisher 2004 had a million flaws that caused it to totally suck, but here are my top gripes: - John Travolta. Cheeseball actor, drama queen. He ruined this movie, because you can't take him seriously as an adversary for the *real* Frank Castle.

• Back story. Why change it? The comic back story is perfectly believable. Making Castle a law-enforcement officer would give the character all these moral dilemmas about wasting every lowlife he comes across.

• Stupid scenarios - since they changed the back story, they had to change the reason his family gets killed, etc. The villains in this film show up and kill everyone EXCEPT the guy they came to kill. I was reminded of Dr. Evil in Austin Powers in this pathetic attempt to kill him. "Oh, we'll just leave now and assume everything went off as planned." They don't even stick around to confirm his death.

• Very little action - For an "action" comic, this turned into to some stupid family drama where Castle "manipulates" the bad guys into killing themselves. What!? The Punisher is an assassin. It isn't about the head games, it's about the re-con, the gear, and pulling the trigger.

• Stupid, wooden supporting actors - The little weaselly guy with the East Coast accent had no business a) in Tampa, b) in this (or any) movie.

Travolta's right hand man isn't an intimidating actor and can't carry a scene alone. He sucked in "The Postman" and he sucks here. His only believable scene is where he gets killed.

"The Russian" they send to kill Castle in his apartment uses the crafty approach of KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. Of course, Castle, ex-military vigilante, doesn't even look out the peep-hole. Then, you see the Russian, with a bleach-blonde crew-cut, and wearing a red & white striped spandex shirt. Okay. Castle fights Mork on steroids in this scene. Retarded. And several cuts during the fight scene with "The Russian" border on self-parody with Castle making all kinds of "Oops!"-style funny faces. God, why?

Travolta's son(s) in the film...pathetic. They could have been played by mannequins.

The stereotypical fat Italian guy, skinny computer nerd, and the hot, vulnerable, horny, available girl. Riiiight. Why didn't they throw in a gay black dude with funny sunglasses, just to round things off? For the record, the kid playing the computer nerd is actually a good actor in other films, but his character has no place in this film at all.

• Location - other readers have said it, I'm saying it again. Florida is full of old people, queers, and illegal aliens. The sandy beach is not where the character of the Italian Frank Castle gets his pathos - it's the dirt and grime of the gritty urban sprawl.

Finally, I have to comment on the Johnny Cash/Wayne Newton traveling guitar-bard that shows up and sings a song to Frank Castle about his death. Totally absurd. During this scene, I had a fantasy that Castle pulled out his weapon and shot the guy dead, right in the middle of the song. Now THAT would have been The Punisher I know.

If you LIKE The Punisher, avoid this film like The Plague, it will only make you angry.

How many Batman films did they screw up before finally getting it right? Maybe that's what it will take here too. They should turn it over to the team responsible for Sin City.

Vital (2004)

Not quite there yet...

[6/10 · 29 July 2005]

I was mostly disappointed with this film. I'm a fan of Tsukamoto's other work, and while this film indicates his growth as a director, and has a strong cast, I felt it had issues with pacing, and a pretty dissatisfying ending.

Asano Tadanobu, normally an engaging lead, seems to be coasting through this film, brooding, mainly. Of course, maybe that's how his character was written, but I found myself wondering when it would pick up in several places and unable to identify with him.

Kunimura Jun is wonderfully powerful as Ryoko's father, and I wound up wishing he was more of a central character. I also felt Ittoku Kishibe, who can conjure a truly menacing screen presence, was rather wasted as Dr. Kashiwabuchi.

There are some interesting philosophical questions raised, but they are never really addressed or explored fully. I guess I'm also getting tired of the "I don't know whether I'm dreaming or awake" cliché in many movies in this genre. Plus, it's a little ham-fisted to have a character just come out and say that.

Vital contains a few interesting scenes involving a dance, and some of Tsukamoto's signature music video-style strangeness in a few places, but in summary, a slow, dark film with no real scares or thrills.