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Strange Tales (1986)
Pretentious toss
Strange Tales
This film opens with a title card saying 'Award winning anthology of tales.' I want to know what award that was.
The Visitant.
A guy follows his kids voice and is attacked very mildly by some kind of ghoul type thing. This has something of a mood for the beginning of it. There is an absolutely amazing and inventive shot of the ghoul coming after him where it's clearly on something being pulled at speed by a car. It has something of an Evil Dead feel to it. With it's inkling of mood and the ghoul stuff, this wasn't a bad effort at all.
Desire. In a Public Dump.
All in silent, a guy walks about a dump and finds a book. This seems to make a woman in a white dress show up who then just disappears. He is then stabbed with a pitchfork. A picture of a gorilla appears from nowhere on a door, then cut back to the dump with a kid playing with a toy gun, running about who finds the book. The end. This was awful and really lazy. It's something you and a mate could come up with, shoot and edit in about half a day.
A Day in the Life of Snidley Carmichael: A Sadistic Comedy.
Now there's a mouthful of a title. This one is pretty arty. The look of it screams student into avant grade cinema. A guy in a field avoids unseen planes that play over the soundtrack, along with sounds of war. He gets into a shack, the door closes, end. Get out of here with this waste of film and effort. Dreadful.
Twilight Journey
This is another pretentious arty piece. I'm starting to think all of these directors were friends and these are all their student art films. This has a nice shot of a woman with a dog like mask on and there's some really striking animated segments in this. But what it all means? Who knows. The animation actually reminds me a lot of the old games Flashback and Another World. It all looks very nice, but doesn't do much with it.
The Crystal Quest
A dude dressed like he's in an Italian post apocalyptic film ventures down a more sci-fi looking hatch than his attire would assume. He's then on an Indiana Jones style adventure with snakes, a statue that opens it's mouth and a couple of pretty cool creatures. This was quite fun and again is mostly silent. I'm also going to assume none of these friends actually owned a microphone or at least just borrowed one for a day.
The Bus Bench
An old woman puts make up on. Some people sit on a bench. Amum and her daughter feed the ducks. Random footage randomly edited together. The most pretentious of a very pretentious bunch. Again silent.
A couple of the shorts hold a small amount of value, but it's mostly just dull and feels thrown together in half a day with minimal effort. There's a reason this is so obscure.
Knights of Newgate (2021)
According to the director, this cost over £600K to make!
As this thing started and was clearly going to be an utterly embarrassing mess, I thought about how films like this not only get made, but get some kid of distribution. I made film many years ago that never got fully finished and have been planning to make another for many years. I'm plagued by the idea that I'd never be able to make something worth watching, so why bother. Then I see something like this and think, fuck it, why don't I give it another go. Then the strangest coincidence happened. A guy pops up in this film, who was actually in my unfinished film from all those years ago. A sign if ever there was one.
So onto this bloody thing. The entire thing was shot on green screen and then had CGI backdrops, monsters and even human actors added to it. It's basically a step above The Incredible Bulk. I found an interview with director W J Carter who talks about how this was both a budgetary and stylistic choice. Though why anyone would want to make this choice is beyond me. He also goes on to say "Total CG environments allow the viewer to become immersed in the world presented to them and accept it as 'normal'." They don't and it doesn't. At all. He also mentions in the interview, which is from 2016, that the film has been 9 years in the making, thus making that almost 15 by the time it came out. IMDB also mentions that writer, producer and director's dad Sidney Carter, sold his house to finance the film, which just genuinely makes me quite sad.
The CGI is somewhere between PS2 and PS3 level and horrible. The Story is as basic as they come and utterly forgettable. Acting is pretty bad, though the fact the poor actors had to do all their scenes in a room, presumably in the director's house, they can't be blamed too much. I know Daniel Jefferson, who was in my film, is a great guy and happy to work on this low to no budget stuff, so I can't say anything bad about him or any of the other actors. I don't like to say anything bad about the people who made it too as they obviously had ambition way beyond their budget and talent. From the interview, it seems that even making CGI as subpar as on show here was really time consuming and hard work, but it's near unwatchable in it's terribleness. I found an old Kickstarter that states that the film upto that point (in 2016) had already cost nearly £600K. That is a shameful waste of money as it is not on screen at all.
Bleak Future (1997)
Why this is so obscure is a mystery.
Stuck for something to watch, I decided to go to CG (if you know, you know) and pick one of the featured films at random. Something I had never done before but I guess the Gods were watching over me this night, as this piece of obscure trash turned out to be one of the greatest discoveries I have ever made. Lets start off by asking, just why is this film so unknown and under-seen? As of typing this, just 27 people (28 when I post it) have seen the thing.
It's set in a post apocalyptic world filled with mutants and humans coexisting. We follow Slangman "as in man of slang" the self professed most intelligent man on the earth. He wanders the desolate world, offering up his vas knowledge at a price. He meets a gut dressed in tartan who is mute due to having his tongue cut out and also an expert with a spear. He also falls in love and purchase an actress, who he decides he no longer likes after he finds out she was wearing a wig. The rest of the film is us following them as they wander around the world.
The tone of the film is something like Monty Python meets Bad Taste with some Alex Chandon like mutants, who for the budget, looks absolutely amazing. They are gooey, slimy and the designs are very well thought out. I loved one mutant who has a small head on the side of his face that's constantly drooling. We meet many a bizarre character along the way. A highlight for me were the Nowhere Men, who do resemble the Knights who say Ni a little, but are damn funny, and have a well edited demise.
The film is shot on dirty Super-8, which looks amazing and just helps to add to the already strange and filthy tone of the film overall. Everything it dubbed, which again works in the film's favour. This really should have gained a following and it's shocking to me that it didn't. I have to wonder if we would have gotten more from director B. Scott O'Malley had it have done better. He has another feature that I'll now be on the look for. If this kind of low budget, DIY trash is your bag, then if you never listen to me again, at least check this film out. It needs a Vinegar Syndrome Blu-Ray ASAP.
Night Visitors (1989)
Pre Funnygames Satire
Night Visitors is a super obscure little oddity of a film. There really isn't all that much information on it anywhere and hardly anyone seems to have even heard of it, let alone seen it. From what I can tell, it's never had a DVD release anywhere and wasn't even released on VHS in America. We get a straight laced family together at Christmas. They are enjoying things such as doing a jigsaw and chatting about accounting. A group of strange characters then get themselves inside under the guise of their car having broken down. Things then get strange.
I really liked the family at the house. They are kind of the over the top caricatures of the all American family that kind of reminded me of the Puttermans from Terrorvision. The gang are all interesting and unique characters too. We get the leader, who's a smooth talking, almost spiritual guy. There's Earl, who just snorts a load of coke and goes off the rails a bit. A black guy who seems to have come from an upperclass upbringing that he resents and the girlfriend of the leader, who looks great in a leather skirt and Lacey bodysuit.
Of the few reviews that are out there of this, most mention that it's very similar to Funny Games, which it predates by some time and that's very true. The invading gang aren't looking to rob the family, but seem more interested in having deep discussions and the leader wanting the family to kill him. It's all pretty interesting stuff and is more compelling due to the obscurity of the thing. It's pretty understandable that it didn't find an audience. It's not quite a horror film, not quite a comedy and not quite a drama and this is it's downfall. It becomes very dialog heavy and stagey which by the hour mark, gets a little dull. It really doesn't have a satisfying ending either, which is a shame as it feels like it's building to something big. It certainly doesn't deserve to be as obscure as it is though. Also, the VHS rip I have has a trailer for Hulk Hogan's No Hold's Barred at the start and Earl mentions Hogan later in the film, which was nice.
Hellspawn (1993)
Not the best of the Polonia Brother's films.
Hellspawn is a mix of what's great about the Polonia Brother's films and also the worst. We get some really fun scenes with a demon that's just a rubber masked person in a red flannel shirt walking about, mildly killing people. But then some utterly boring scenes of two characters chatting away that's so badly recorded that you can't hear a word they are saying. It's a shame, but the bad outweighs the good here. There's an amazingly inventive scene where someone is electrocuted via a hair dryer in a bath that's achieved with one of those bath jacuzzi things you used to get to blow bubbles in a bath. It's also pretty well shot for a Polonia film, but unfortunately it's mostly quite dull.
Death List (2006)
This really should have a cult following.
I had tried and failed three times to watch Death List. Each time I just didn't feel in the mood for it. The first fifteen minutes come across as very amateurish and the odd dubbing really didn't put me in the mood for it at all. I finally sat down and got all the way through and after those first few minutes, this really does pick up.
Writer, director, lead, cameraman and everything else Ara Paiaya is a force to be reckoned with. He may not have any money for this film, but he has more heart and passion than an entire franchise full of Hollywood drivel. The fact he got so much done for nothing is amazing. Ara is clearly a talented guy and his martial arts ability is top notch. He uses a style akin to early Jackie Chan films as he incorporates the environment into the fights. Various cars are destroyed during the fight scenes and we even get a great moment with a forklift truck. Ara also did all his stunts and from the bloopers section on the DVD, we can see he really does risk his body for his film.
The film is only just over an hour long, but nothing else is needed. It's lean and fast moving and there's never more than a few minutes without another great fight scene coming along. The film is also filled with humor that worked for me eventually, you just need to let the mood of it sink in a little. It's also got some really bad, and seemingly knowingly so gore. Any time someone has a limb cut off, we see something that's clearly just been bought at Poundland. It kind of works too.
I'm so glad that Ara has gone on to make more films and it seems like the budgets have gone up in recent years too. It's sad this film is so unknown (I'm only the 3rd person to have seen it on Letterboxd at the time of writing) as it's so well done I feel it should have found a cult following. I'll certainly be checking out more of his films in the very near future.
Zelyonyy slonik (1999)
Extreme, deep or dull?
The Green Elephant is shot in a hand held way on a poor quality VHS camera that gives it a look of a war crime. It looks as if it's been downloaded from Ogrish and as if we are about to witness a real atrocity. The content certainly echoes that feeling with two guys locked in a basement, one of them is seemingly not all there and his mad ramblings are sending the other insane. The man that has already lost it is berated over and over again then he finally snaps. Whilst our somewhat sane friend finally gets some sleep, the other decides to do his friend a favour by defecating on a plate and rubbing it all over himself and then wakes his friend to offer him some to eat. All seemingly for real too. The two are eventually taken from the basement prison by the guard and his assistant. Here they are berated some more and the more mentally unstable of the two is forced to give the officer oral sex. This is where the other finally snaps and kills the officer, rapes him then rips out is throat and makes his friend use it as a trunk.
The whole film has a horrible feel to it. The hand-held VHS camera-work really puts you in the basement with the two and the feeling of claustrophobia is felt in a strong way. So much so that you long to leave the cell and yet when you do when one of the soldiers is let out to do some work, the only rest bite you get is to watch him being made to clean a filthy toilet with a fork. You also get some black and white segments that show the guard and his assistant on the outside of the cell. I'm not sure what these sections are attempting to portray. The problem with the film is that it is attempting to go for something deep. I've read that the director has some feminist intentions with it but these were lost on me. It all comes across as a bit pretentious with the overly vile dialog being screamed at the characters getting boring and loosing all impact fast. While the film certainly does pack a punch, it is a little lost on the fact that over the 90 minute runtime, little really happens and it becomes a chore to get through not for the horrific content but for the sheer dullness of it all.
4/10
Bunshinsaba (2004)
More of the same.
Yu-jin is new in a school in a small village that are non to happy about outsiders. She is picked on by a group of girls and decides to put a curse on them using a ouija board. During the curse the girls are all told that whatever they do, keep their eyes closed at all times or the spirit will enter them. Yu-jin of course opens hers and she is entered by a spirit. The next day at school, one of the girls who Yu-jin had put a curse on seems to have killed her self by placing a plastic bag over her head, dousing it in lighter fluid and setting it ablaze. It turns out that the spirit in Yu-jin is the spirit of a girl who had been killed by the villagers years ago in the same way.
OK so this is another Asian ghost story so what makes this one different from the rest? Well to tell the truth not much. I really think that its time now that the whole girl with her hair over her face ghost was done away with now. It was great in Ringu and still pretty good in Ju-on, but now its just overdone and predictable. There are still plenty of good things coming out of the far east but unfortunately this isn't one of them. Don't get me wrong this isn't a bad film. It has some reasonably effective scares here and there but it is just nothing new.
The film does boast some lovely camera work. Lots of great movement and nice angles make this a stunning film to watch and the acting is all pretty good. I have yet to see the directors other films including Phone but from what I hear, this film isn't quite on par with that. The story line is all OK until about the hour mark where things start to get stale and a bit dull.
This is a film that I would find hard to recommend. To your casual horror fan I would say check it out, especially if you haven't seen to many Asian films. But to anyone with a keen interest in the Asian horror film genre I would say only watch if you have to see every film that comes out of the continent as you wont find anything new here.
5/10
El caníbal (1980)
Devils have bad eye sight.
A model named Laura is working in South America when she is kidnapped from her hotel room by a gang and taken into the jungle. They demand a huge ransom for her release. Peter is hired to get her home safe and there is a bonus in it for him if he can bring back the money as well as the girl. Peter is taken to the jungle by helicopter with friend Jack. They try to give the kidnappers fake money in return for Laura but the plan goes horribly wrong and they have to bail out in the helicopter. The helicopter is shot and they also have to bail from that (not going well so far). Also roaming the jungles is a devil of sorts. In reality its just a naked black guy with weirdly big eyes and a breathing problem. He starts to kill a few of the kidnappers and Laura escapes only to be captured by some primitives. The rest of the film is a bit of a blur really.
Now I'm not a massive Jess Franco fan, in fact to date this is only the second film of his I have seen, but even I can tell that this really isn't one of his best efforts. The films drags along at a pretty slow pace without much at all happening. The whole thing could have been edited down quite easily into a 25 minute TV show. There are plenty of overly long shots of people walking through the jungle that could have just been lifted straight out.
Devil Hunter is poorly lit (Infact I don't think it was lit at all), badly dubbed, poorly acted and slow yet for some reason it didn't bore me. I think the main reason for this was some of the hilariously bad scenes in it. For example a scene where Laura is walking in the street was obviously shot in a real street as crowds of people stop to stare straight at the camera as its shooting. Another funny scene has one of the gang who has been killed, hung in a tree dripping blood as one of his friends stands directly under him screaming for what seems like minutes. Then for no reason at all the man in the trees head just falls of and hits the guy under him. It has to be seen to be believed. Then of course there is the actual devil. It is just some naked black guy who despite the fact he has massive eyes, he has very blurry vision.
The film was hooked up in part of the video nasty scare in the 80's here in the UK and was banned. Now why it was I have no idea. There is very little gore at all and it's hardly a shocking film. Minus the nudity I would have said that it could get away with a PG almost. The only thing I can think of is that it was never actually watched and was added to the original list because of word of mouth.
There is not much reason to watch this film really unless you are a massive Jess Franco fan. There is plenty of nudity to keep you from falling asleep and also some scenes that are so bad you can have a good laugh at them but other wise I would say just pay for a ticket to South America and get lost in a jungle. It would probably be more fun.
3/10
La noche del terror ciego (1972)
Atmospheric.
Two girls and a guy go on a trip and halfway there on the train one of the two girls jumps of the train and spends the night in an abandoned village. When she is found dead her two friends set out to find out what happened to her. They find out that she was killed by the knights of templar who were killed many years ago and were hanged. As they were left hanging, crows pecked out their eyes and so now many years later they return from the dead and hunt victims using sound to find them.
The film is oozing in atmosphere and is has some tense moments. Although a little slow paced it doesn't get to boring at all. The few gore effects that there are in the film are done OK but the best thing about it is the look of the knights. They look very much like the ringwraiths in the lord of the rings films. As the knights are riding on their horses they look very impressive. When off the horses they move at an incredibly slow rate and one thing I have to say is their hands look terrible. They are bony and don't seem to move at all. There are a few moments of nudity and that really helps with the slow pace. The directing is pretty tight with some great use of angles and lighting.
After seeing this the first part of four films I'm looking forward to seeing the next film in the series. The strong points of the film are defiantly the atmosphere and the very cool looking knights of the templar. The weaker points are the slow pace and the very abrupt ending on the train. Overall it's a very good film that is often wrongly put in the zombie subgenre as the nights come from the dead but I wouldn't really say they were zombies. Defiantly worth a check.
7/10.
Faces of Gore 2 (2000)
The sick gets sicker
The faces of gore team are back with more carnage from road accidents, suicides and murders. In this edition we have pretty much more of the same but this time the commentary from our friend Todd Tjersland is about twice as sick. The guy practically orgasms over every section and at time the comments go too far. Almost always he comments on the corpses on show in a sexual manner. Like for example he will mention how the coroner will be having his way with the corpse when it gets to the morgue. I think this guy has some serious issues. Another thing that makes this hard to watch is the terrible added on sounds. Its obvious that the clips are silent yet there are squishy sounds added on and terrible dripping sounds every time we see a drop of blood dripping. There are cheers and even a crying baby sound when we see a dead foetus. Another thing I hated about the comments is that the facts given are almost certainly lies. Hearing about a crazed killer called machete Joe how can anyone believe the tripe they are coming out with? We are also at one point given a recipe for some dish or other while a corpse is shown on screen. The recipe of course includes human flesh.
Now we come to the great doctor Vincent van Gore. He is still reading all his terrible links from cards just off camera only this time his is overacting in ways I have never seen in my life. Each of his segments just made me cringe its as hard to watch this guy over act as it is to watch the gore scenes.
If you're a fan of read death films then this will appeal as it is full of grizzly bodies and smashed faces. I can see a point to the faces of death films. I get the feeling the only reason they are made is to raise a bit of money to make other films like for example the necro files as that was made by the same people as this. But on its own the faces of gore films are just boring really.
3/10
Faces of Gore (1999)
Sickest mondo of them all.
How do you review this vile piece of trash. It is completely made up of aftermaths of crashes, suicides and murders all taken from police files. There scenes shown are at some points extremely gory and disgusting. Most notably a scene early on of a motorcycle crash where the riders smashed head has wedged its self between a lamp post and a mesh fence.
The film is introduced by Dr Vincent van Gore who tells us he is a professor or gorenology. He obviously reads his dumb and pointless introductions to each section from cue cards. The worst part of this film is the narration. It is given with complete disregard for human life and is extremely offensive. At one point a woman who has hung herself is striped off and the narrator comments on her breast size. It seems he may need a little mental help. The film gets extremely boring very fast as when you have seen one of these scenes you have pretty much seen them all. And after half an hour of the same stuff you become pretty tolerant of the gore and blood on screen. If you enjoy these mondo films then there are plenty more better ones out there. This one is just boring.
4/10
Meat Market (2000)
Cold have been so much better.
Two former employees of a company that did experiments with nano science or something of the like are out trying to take care of the things they have a small responsibility in making. The dead are killing the living and eating their flesh and soon there will be no more of the living. With the help of three vampires and a Mexican wrestler, can they stop the onslaught? As soon as the film starts you should know what you are in for. It's a no budget zombie fest. The plot doesn't hold up to much but it's a zombie film what do you expect. The acting is defiantly the worst part of this film. It is dire. The writing doesn't help. These people talk like no one I have ever seen in my life. Questions are often answered with just a strange look of movement of the head. The effects are OK for the budget but at times the film gets a little boring and it seems you're just waiting for some more gore to show up so a little more wouldn't have gone a miss. As I said, at times it gets a little slow and you wonder what the two main characters are actually trying to achieve. At first it seems like they are just going to barricade themselves in for a few years then they go out looking for more survivors.
The characters are pretty one dimensional and there isn't much development of them. The Mexican wrestler is hilarious thought, especially with his obviously dubbed on voice. That was a great little touch. There are also some nice sex scenes to keep us amused including a lovely lesbian scene for the guys. These seem put in just for the sake of it but then I'm not going to complain.
Even with all its bad points it is a very entertaining film and it was the directors first so it's a great first effort and I'm sure he learnt a lot form it. For all zombie film fans it should go down pretty well. For everyone else maybe not 6/10.
Island of Death (1976)
Loved it.
A seemingly normal couple, Christopher and Celia, arrive on a small, remote Greek island. Though we soon find out that this couple aren't very normal at all. They start to kill the inhabitants of the island that Christopher sees as sinful in some very imaginative ways. We then later find out that this couple are even less normal as they are brother and sister.
As a video nasty I really wasn't expecting much at all as the majority of them are terrible. I was extremely surprised to find that Island of Death is a very good film. The acting is atrocious but that's to be expected. The girl that plays Celia makes up for her terrible acting by being amazingly good looking and she spends a lot of the film naked so that's a pretty good thing. Its just a shame that this was the only film she was ever in. I wouldn't have minded seeing her naked in a few more films.
The couple really go on a rampage on this small island. First we are treated to a guy who Celia seduces, being nailed to the floor by his hand and is force feed paint. We then have a gay couple who are killed by a sword and a gunshot to the head. I cant remember the order of the rest of the kills but we get a police officer who is sent to the island to get the couple, being hanged from the wing of an aeroplane in flight. Check out the obvious dummy in the wide shots. There is an older woman who Christopher first urinates on and after a while she quit enjoys it. She is then beaten, taken outside and is beheaded with a bulldozer. Another great scene shows a lesbian heroine addict being burnt to death with an aerosol flamethrower. All of these scenes are very imaginative but the effects are not too great.
There is also an extremely strange scene where the obvious psycho Christopher goes into the garden of the house he is renting and has sex with a goat. It all looks laughably fake but make amusing viewing. There is also a strange scene where they have sex in a phone box and Christopher decides to ring his mother back in London to tell her exactly what she is doing. This all shows what a deranged person we are watching. A small thing I liked about the film is the sound of a camera taking a picture during some of the transitions. That was a nice touch and goes well as the couple are constantly taking pictures of the thing they get up to.
The dialog in the film is at best terrible but this adds to the amusing viewing. Often the actors fumble their words as if the director would never take a second take. Despite the bad acting and terrible dialog, the film is extremely amusing and entertaining to watch. Anyone that is a fan of horror should find something to love, or rather be disgusted about.
8/10.
Hobgoblins (1988)
Bad but oh so much fun.
A security guard at a movie studio unknowingly releases a bunch of crazy nasty hobgoblins from a vault. He then has the job of finding them and stopping them as they have the ability to seemingly make peoples dreams come true. This though for some reason is highly dangerous to them.
This film is in every sense of the word, dire. It has some of the worst acting and terrible lines ever muttered in a motion picture. The hobgoblins are without a doubt the cheapest looking creatures I have ever seen in any film ever. This film doesn't even manage to be good on a so bad its good level. It's just to boring for that. There are so many stupid and pointless scenes. The hobgoblins space ship that they arrive on earth in has to be seen to be believed, as does the many attempts at kicks and punches in the film that miss by a good few feet. The kids in the film are some of the most one dimensional I have ever seen. We have the slut, the frigid girlfriend, the sex crazed military boyfriend and a guy who I can barely explain who has a fetish for sex lines themed on zoo visits. There are so many obvious mistakes in the film that are so clear even I spotted them and I never spot goofs. For instance at one point you clearly see a crew members are push the terrible hobgoblin puppet onto the actor. Another scene sees the same footage of a guy throwing over his own table shown 3 times.
The worst thing about the film is the ending. Well the ending and the terrible puppets that have no movement at all apart from then half of them are off screen so they can be obviously moved by crew member from behind sofas and out of frame. The ending is unbelievable. For some unknown and stupid reason they just decide to go back in the vault themselves of their own accord.
From what I have read director Rick Sloan has yet to make a half decent film ever. This film must only be watched in its MST3K version and with friends.
1/10.
Leprechaun 2 (1994)
Pretty good fun
The Leprechaun is back only this time its a different one even though this isn't really explained but it must be a different one because the film starts 1000 years ago. It's the Leprechaun's 1000th birthday and as we all know (of course we do) a Leprechaun gets to pick himself a bride every 1000 years (hmmm are they making up legends here?). So the little guy promises his slave that he will set him free after he has his bride. Little does the slave know the Leprechaun choice of bride is none other than his daughter. All the Leprechaun needs to do is get her to sneeze three times, and he does this. The slave then runs off gets killed and the Leprechaun says he ruined his chance. Now I don't get this bit. He got her to sneeze three times so why then wasn't she his wife? All the slave did was run away, how did that stop him marrying his daughter? But anyway, we cut o 1000 years later and low and behold that's today. It's the Leprechaun's birthday again and he has his eyes on a new bride. This films seems to completely disregard the first film as some of the rules have completely changed. For instance in the first film it was a four leaved clover that killed the little guy, in this one its iron. But in the first film he came out of the safe in the shop just before he killed the guy with a pogo stick. In this one they put him in a safe to try and kill him, what's going on there? There are some really good scenes in this film that I liked a lot. Seeing the Leprechaun getting drunk was great. All the little people egging him on was superb. Some of the acting was terrible though. most noticeably by the girl that played Bridget. The guys that played Cody and Morty were OK and Morty was a great character, and of course Warwick was great as the Leprechaun despite his constant terrible rhyming. There was a bit more gore in this one but not really enough for the sort of film it is. Low budget horrors like this need gore if you ask me. The directing was OK with some strange shaky angles and the whole cave place where the Leprechaun lived looked pretty good. On the whole it probably wasn't as good as the first but was still an enjoyable little B movie.
6/10
Leprechaun (1992)
Best of the series by far.
Now the Leprechaun films are never going to be held as classics of modern cinema. But as a fun little cheesy horror flick the first Leprechaun works quite well. Tory (played by Jennifer Aniston) and her father have, for some reason decided to spend the summer in a run down house in the middle of nowhere. Little do they know that ten years earlier some guy had trapped a Leprechaun in the basement after stealing his gold. Then we meet three guys that are here to paint the house (by the way I love their company name '3 guys that paint' classic). one of them, the stupid Ozzie, sets the Leprechaun free. Then Ozzie and his child friend Alex find the gold the Leprechaun is still looking for and they hide it dreaming of riches. Of course then all hell breaks loose. Now I found the film kind of enjoyable. The acting is pretty good on the main part. Jennifer Aniston may be embarrassed of this film now I'm sure, but she didn't seem as if she minded that much back then (probably just needed the money). All the characters are pretty likable. The stupid but funny Ozzie, The cool and smart little kid Alex and the hero Nathan. Of course Warwick Davis is superb as the Leprechaun even though he does have some really terrible bad lines. There isn't much in the way of gore. In fact the little guy doesn't really kill that many people at all. That's a bit of a downer. We do get to see the Leprechaun take a bit of a beating with a cut off hand and a stick in his eye but its not enough really. So on the whole and OK film that has its good point and its bad ones. For instance what's that scene all about where they throw shoes at him and he is running all over the place cleaning them? I get that he was a shoe maker but is he really all that bothered if they are a bit dirty? I liked the bit with our little friend on his tricycle and the Lucky Charms reference was kind of cool. The direction was OK a few nice use of angles but pretty basic on the whole. If your a fan of cheesy movies check it out but I think its going to be one you either like or hate and me, I liked it.
6/10
The Wicker Man (1973)
One of the best films ever.
Ah The Wicker Man. Not just British horror at it's best but British cinema at its best. They just don't make them like this anymore. Great soundtrack, great direction, great acting, great cinematography and great overall.
The film is about a Scottish police officer called Sergeant Howie. Howie is a devoted Christian and is sent an anonymous letter saying that a girl has gone missing on nearby island of Summerisle. So Howie takes his plane over to Summerisle to investigate. What he finds is a community of Pagans. I wont spoil the rest of the film for you. Its defiantly something you need to experience for yourselves.
The film reminds me of the old game Broken Sword. Not for the story, but because this film could easily be a point and click kind of game. I love the way it blends the elements of horror, mystery and thriller all into one. The performances are all of the highest level most of all those of Christopher Lee and Edward Woodward. All the others do superbly as well and I must add Britt Ekland looks amazing. Probably my favourite thing about the film is the way the soundtrack fits it perfectly. I mean usually I would hate the thought of a folk music soundtrack but the look of the film with folk music over it is just amazing. The songs are all rather catchy too. The finale is one of movie history. It is something everyone should see for themselves. And my last point is that the final shot is probably my favourite final shot of any film ever.
A must see film and without a doubt in my top ten films ever.
10/10
The Mangler (1995)
Pretty average
In truth how good could a film about a demonic laundry press really be? The film is very poorly scripted and this is its main downfall. The performances were all pretty poor although Robert Enguland does OK. The main cop has some terrible line and does some of the stupidest things. For example when he takes a sledgehammer to that icebox thing. Shouldn't it have been used as evidence if it was what suffocated the small boy? And what was that icebox about anyway? Where did it fit into the story? And that brings he to the hippy guy. Are there actually people like him? How can the cop stand him, they are the most unlikely friends I have ever seen in my life. I think they were brother in laws though I may be wrong.
The film did have its good parts. Tobe Hooper's use of angles and lighting did at times set a good mood to the film and he does know what he is doing. Even though he was involved with the screenplay he couldn't have been happy with it I'm sure. The film also has some very good gore scenes like a guy being ripped in half, people being mangled and pressed in the mangler. There was also a scene that made me laugh where the foreman of the laundry place is stuck in the press and screaming for the boss to do something and the boss says something like "what do you want me ke a film like this seriously so hats a good point. The effects are terrible even for the obviously low budget the film was made on. Jack moves in such a terrible way its hard to watch. The one-liners Jack is constantly coming out with a terrible and annoying. The acting in the film works really well for the kind of film this is, that is apart from the son. He is terrible and really annoying. The main guy Sam does a rather good job if u ask me. One thing I really liked about this film was the way the start credits were presented. The names were on Christmas decorations on a tree as and an uncle was telling his annoyingly voiced nice a story. Good stuff! Overall I loved the idea of a killer snowman but it just wasn't done well at all.
5/10
Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002)
Killed all my joy
I have never seen the first Killjoy film, and I have also never heard a good thing said about it. So I see Killjoy 2 in the local Blockbusters and pick it up and look at the back. Starring Trent Haaga and Debbie Rochon it boasts. Now being the massive Troma fan that I am there is no way I'm not going to rent this film out, how can it possibly be bad with these two in it? Oh how wrong I was. Even Trent and Debbie cant save this excuse of a film from being as bad as it truly is. Trent quite frankly stinks as Killjoy although this probably is more the fault of the writers giving him some of the worst one-liners in the history of film. Debbie does put a solid performance in but it isn't enough. The kills are terrible as are the gore effects. For example check out when the guy is supposedly impaled on something or other. And just to top it all off the ending is just amongst the worst I have ever seen in movie history. The film doesn't even work on a so bad it's good level. Avoid like the clap.
2/10
Ghostwatch (1992)
Possibly the scariest thing I ever saw
October 31st 1992. That's a night I will never forget in my life I was just 10 years old and was already a hardened horror fan so I had no worries about watching a program with people like Craig Charles and Michael Parkinson in it. This is going to be about as scary as an episode of He-Man I thought. How wrong I was. I didn't even make it to the end and had to wait ten years before I finally found a copy on tape. I didn't sleep properly for weeks. Looking at it now I wonder just how so many people were fooled in to thinking it was real. As a kid it's easy to believe but now as an adult it's quite easy to see that the family are nothing more than actors, and very poor ones at that. Also the wind in the studio and some of the callers make it a little fake. The attention to detail is amazing. Note the television in the haunted house has the program on as well. One thing I really love about Ghostwatch is all of the hidden appearances of Pipes. It is quite simply the scariest thing ever made especially if you saw it that night and thought it was real. It would be great if the BBC released a DVD but it seems unlikely. Hats off to Stephen Volk for this classic show that has gone down in history.
9/10
Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes (1989)
Haunted lamps are not scary.
A woman buys a lamp from the Amityville house and sends it off to her sister as a Birthday present. Not before she cuts her finger on it and dies from tetenes of course. The lamp arrives at the sister's house the same time as her daughter and three Grandchildren come to live with her. Now this isn't any ordinary lamp, no this one is Possessed by a demon. And how does the demon manifest its self? Why it turns the Lamp on and off of course as well as turning other electrical items on at will. Scared yet? The film is very light on scares and is very light on any value of entertainment. in fact it's a terrible mess. The only half decent scene is when the plummer gets a Dismembered hand in his face.
3/10
Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
Not bad
Although this is a total rip of the exorcist, I couldn't help but enjoy it. Some scenes rip off the exorcist so bad it's a wonder they didn't get sued. For example: The scene where we see the words save me on Sonny's arm just as we saw the words help me on Regan's chest. The way certain parts of Sonny's body pulsed and bulged just as regan's neck did. The way the father pleads with the demon to take him just as father Kerris did. I don't really see the point of the incest story line. It seems as if it's been put in just to make it that little bit more shocking than it actually is. The effects were done rather well esp the scene where Sonny's head seems to peel away as the demon leaves him.
Nothing to special but a nice enjoyable film none the less.
6/10
Madman (1981)
A fair attempt
It's the last night of summer camp and everyone is round the campfire telling scary stories and singing stupid songs as the guy TP does. Then the story of Madman Marz is told. The legend goes he killed his wife and his son and then went into the pub for a beer. Well the people of the town soon found out and decided to hang the guy in the forest. They leave our buddy Madman for dead but when they returned in the morning the body was gone. Its said he still roams the woods at night and if you say his name above a whisper he will come for you. Well after the story is told, the usual wise guy kid stands up and screams the Madman's name and guess what? He comes for them of course.
Madman is just another slasher movie, but it is an above average one. In fact I enjoyed it a lot. For the first half hour it is a little boring with not much but some really tacky songs and a very hard to watch love scene. The guy TP and the girl who's name I can't remember in a hot tub spinning around to a terrible song. Oh and I forgot the horrible undressing scene before that. So anyway when things finally get going it starts to show it's self as a rather good slasher. It has all the slasher clichés. A killers point of view shot. Killer almost getting the person but at the last second they move. An axe kill and so on. Some of the kills are more original. Like for example the classic "head under the car hood" scene. The hanging scene is also very well done and its a surprise to see the guy that is hung killed of so fast. There are also some pretty suspenseful scenes, for example the scene with the girl running away from the Madman and hiding in the refrigerator.
So overall it is a pretty above average slasher with some good gore and some good suspenseful moments. It isn't short of its cheesy moments but then that's always a plus point in a slasher isn't is? As for the DVD it's an Anchor Bay release and it has a nice transfer with the film showing just a little bit of age. The main extra is a commentary with writer/director Joe Giannone, writer/producer Gary Sales and stars Tony Fish and Paul Ehlers. It's a good commentary with a lot of facts and information. There are also some TV spots and a theatrical trailer to round things off.
7/10
Slaughter Disc (2005)
Bad porn and horror
Mike has a problem with porn. In fact he is hopelessly addicted to it. His whole life has become effected by it. In his quest for more porn he stumbles upon an ad in a magazine for an extreme porn movie. Without hesitation Mike is straight on the internet and orders the DVD. When it arrives he wastes no time in placing the disc in his player and having a fondle. But as he gets further into the disc over the following days he finds that people he knows are not only staring in the film, but being killed in it too.
Now first things first, this film is surpassed to be a horror/porn film, but all it really is, is a porno. The sex scenes go on for 10 - 15 minutes at a time and there are 3 or 4 of them. They just seem to be there to whack up the running time of the feeble storyline. Each scene ends with a little bit of violence, none of them are overly gory or creepy in anyway. Having such long sex scenes just really bored me to tell the truth. Now don't get me wrong I'm not against porn in anyway. God I have enough of it. But does there really have to be this much of it here? The main guy Mike has little to no development at all so its hard to feel anything for him. All we know is that he's lost his girlfriend and he watches to much porn.
The film is shot very basically. It seems the director just pointed the camera and shot the non porn scenes with no though about decent angles and movement. The sound was terrible. The actors could bearly be heard at times. This is explained buy the makers because the mic they used only recorded in mono and they didn't find out until after it was all shot but surely they could do a little ADR for the release of the DVD. A lot of reviews have praised the amount of gore in the film but I don't see where they are coming from. There was very little and any scenes that would have been good like the hammer scene, were all off screen.
A pretty poor effect if you ask me. They should just stick to making porno films where sound and production isn't really a worry. I found little of interest here as a horror or a porn fan. It was just really really boring to me and I found myself just begging for it to end.
2/10