alienlegend Reviews

Collateral Damage (2002)

Preposterous on all levels.

[1/10 · 31 December 2023]

Nothing in this film is remotely believable and it has some of the worst CGI. There was a good reason why I never saw this back in the day and sadly I should have stayed far away. The director has done other great action films like Under Siege, The Fugitive, Above the Law, etc. So it's a shame he made this but I wouldn't put all the blame on his shoulders. To me, this is Arnold's worst film and whoever wrote this... dang. It's really sad to see the waterfall gag from Predator repeated here but with awful cringe-worthy visual effects. If that's the only way you could do it, don't bother. And that explosion near the end, which miraculously doesn't really hurt either bad guy looks so fake when it's blowing Arnold down the corridor that you just have to laugh. Avoid at all costs. A dopey fireman going down to Colombia would have been killed far before he ever found the guy responsible... it's just utter nonsense.

Sharksploitation (2023)

Fun and informative! I want to see more shark movies.

[8/10 · 30 December 2023]

This was a blast to watch and time flew by. I'm not a massive shark movie fan but it was so well done I was instantly hooked. The documentary is very comprehensive too and it made me want to seek out some more obscure titles. I like how they covered shark films before Jaws and they showed the huge undeniable influence Spielberg's classic had on this niche but they didn't shy away from the dark side either, diving into the negative impact on real sharks. It was incredibly insightful even exploring the way some cultures worship sharks and treat them like gods. I really learned a lot from watching this.

The Visitor (1979)

Interesting weird film.

[6/10 · 19 September 2023]

It's quite unique so much so I'd gladly watch it again. I wish it didn't have the last scene with the dumbed-down good vs. Evil commentary (don't need the obvious Jesus opening either). Not necessary but it really is an odd movie. I love the scene where the little girl gets a gun for a birthday present and shoots her mom. Dang what a scene and you think the detective will play a big part but not long before you realize you're wrong. It's very unpredictable and I love the skyline-in-the-distance miniature set. A lot to take in with this one. It's very crazy but I had a blast watching it. Not my favorite but someone took a big swing making this (I doubt you'd see something like it these days) and I was genuinely engaged. Seeing Henriksen was fantastic as well.

The Curse of La Llorona (2019)

Doesn't work at all.

[1/10 · 19 September 2023]

It's trying so hard to be scary but it's not. The characters have no personalities or unique features so you don't care about them (they're not convincing as real people... they have all the depth of a cardboard cutout). The design of La Llorona is boring (black running from the eyes is complete cliché at this point) and she is shown too much. The cinematography is typical Hollywood with fake darkness and rather flat lighting (always need those character faces clearly lit). The camera is often moving to try to stop the audience from getting bored but nothing interesting or artistic is done with the cinematography (no unique oners or different angles, no style to catch your attention, just generic) and there are far too many cuts so no tension builds up. It all feels like a set aka it all feels fake.

When I think of bad bland Hollywood horror, this is a perfect example. Nothing risky or new. It's very dull and by the numbers. Easily predictable. Most annoying is when characters need to tell each other important information but time and time again they don't for no reason such as at the beginning where the seemingly-crazy mother should tell the main character she is just trying to protect her children from something, not abusing them or when the kids or the mother see La Llorona but don't tell each other. It's really annoying. When I saw the Annabelle doll, I remembered stupid talk of a Conjuring universe and I hated myself for choosing this. It's as bad or worse than The Nun. Watch Smile instead. It's a million times better or It Follows. Or The Ring.

Get Shorty (1995)

Expected more from this...

[6/10 · 27 August 2023]

John Travolta is outstanding in it as is the rest of the cast but it just didn't seem to amount to a lot. It was pretty good, sometimes quite funny with odd bursts of violence but I don't know. Altogether it just seems like it's missing something but maybe that's just me. Perhaps if I read the book, it'd mean more. What it's saying about Hollywood I think everybody already knows and knew a long time ago but perhaps it seemed more fresh and daring in the 90s. I wasn't quite sure where it was going but then when it got there, I felt so so. Not awful, quite good in fact, but something was missing for me. As far as films based on Elmore Leonard's work, I prefer Out of Sight or 3:10 to Yuma.

Tokyo Decameron (1996 Video)

Ok erotic anthology but not that great.

[5/10 · 27 August 2023]

Perhaps I've seen too many of these (definitely true) but this just wasn't depraved or creative enough. The cheap video look doesn't help either but the opening had potential, setting up how Tokyo is an evil city inhabited by goblins with desires merchandised and consumed, feeding desires with more desires until others are sucked dry, etc. The individual segments just can't live up to that though with two girls of the same name who manipulate each other (oh boy one likes whipping... how scandalous) then another bit about a lesbian slave (she has to eat out of a dog bowl... alright, seen that before) and a final revenge piece, which was my favorite. They're fine and there is some nice nudity but sometimes the acting is weak, sometimes annoying, etc. It just doesn't add up to much either.

Alucarda (1977)

What's not to love?

[7/10 · 24 August 2023]

Tons of nudity, nuns burning on fire, demonic rituals, Satan himself cheering on an orgy, outdoor nude summoning, nuns flogging themselves, all nude bloody girl possessed by the devil, etc. I was pleasantly surprised how crazy it gets. Definitely a fun one for the whole family to enjoy. "Beelzebub!" "Astaroth!" I need to buy a copy of this. It's a little slow at the start but around 23 min in, it gets good and doesn't let up for the rest of the film. Loved the melting at the end. Oh yeah, an evil gruesome-looking nun gets her head chopped off by a sword... you know just a typical Sunday at church. And this is a Mexican horror movie? Dang they sure know how to party.

Giallo in Venice (1979)

You have to see the uncut version.

[8/10 · 24 August 2023]

If you accidentally watch the crappy censored copy on Tubi, you won't like it of course since all the good stuff has been cut out. It should be 1 hour and 39 minutes long or else you're wasting your time. I liked it a lot more after I saw the real film. Shame on Tubi for censoring stuff without telling people. They're really inconsistent on their platform. Some stuff is cut while others are not. Anyway, yes, this film is very dark and depraved but if you know the other title it goes by (Gore in Venice vs Giallo in Venice) then you shouldn't be surprised. I like horror that pushes boundaries and this certainly does that.

The Horrible Sexy Vampire (1971)

Nice nudity but pretty dull.

[2/10 · 24 August 2023]

The main vampire guy is quite lame. Not interesting at all really. I was very bored. Nudity isn't the same as sexy. The opening was good with an invisible vampire, which is rather unique, but then it was quickly downhill. There just isn't much going on to hold your attention especially if you've seen a lot of Jean Rollin and Jess Franco films, which I prefer much more. They needed more gore and brutal attacks with a better vampire actor or at least make it more sleazy. Yes, I'm spoiled. Sorry. I'd suggest instead Vampyros Lesbos, Night of the Hunted, The Living Dead Girl, Fascination, The Sister of Ursula, etc.

It's Alive III: Island of the Alive (1987)

Ok for the third film in a series.

[6/10 · 24 August 2023]

It's probably the one I like the least but it's still Larry Cohen and I love the idea of this island of monster babies that have grown up. They do a good job keeping them hidden for most of the movie so they're just in the background or very briefly shown or only their hands or feet. I admire that they weren't out in the open the whole film, and the beginning court room scene was quite good. It does get a tad ridiculous later on like with the Cuba stuff but I love the idiots getting slaughtered on the island. The boat sequences feel like they go on forever and it just doesn't seem as focused or cohesive as the first two films but still pretty interesting.

August Underground (2001 Video)

Pretty disappointing.

[2/10 · 24 August 2023]

I like the VHS aesthetic, the opening scene, the FX work, and the extreme nature of it. It feels fairly real (great use of that convenience store location) but I don't think it's actually disturbing at all. In fact, it gets pretty boring. Why does the cop car turn on its lights behind them then they just cut away to the next scene? It's pretty important when cops get onto the serial killers. How did they get out of that situation especially when there was probably blood on them or their clothes? The main actor gets very annoying as does the cameraman with their constant laughing and over-the-top cliche "we're pSyChOs! Aren't we crrrraaaazzyyy?" acting. They should've watched real interviews with serial killers to see how they really act and more of a story would've helped. I much prefer The Poughkeepsie Tapes, Murder Set Pieces (it has its own problems but I still like it a lot more than this), or of course, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (Michael Rooker blows these chumps away).

It Lives Again (1978)

Better than the first in my opinion.

[7/10 · 24 August 2023]

I like how they expanded the world of the first film so much and gave you the sense of how many people this phenomenon was affecting. After watching the original movie, I questioned how they would do a sequel but this was a very smart, clever way of doing it. I really love Larry Cohen's films especially The Stuff and this is probably my favorite after that. I found the movie to be highly engaging and I was never bored. I was glad to see the actor from the first film back and almost immediately he gave a powerful moving performance. To me, this sequel is just a lot more interesting and unique than the original but that's just my 2 cents.

RoboCop 3 (1993)

I despise this piece of junk.

[1/10 · 22 August 2023]

First the PG-13 rating. RoboCop should be hard R like the first film but then no Peter Weller? Are you kidding me? And the FX look terrible in this film like when he's flying, which is also rather stupid. The whole thing seems watered down to sell toys and it's just crap. Of course, they kill Lewis. How they could screw this up so bad? It's really beyond amazing. Even as a child, I knew this was trash. RoboCop 2 isn't great either but compared to this, it's Lawrence of Arabia. I don't think anything could ever quell my hatred for this. What were they thinking? We need a documentary to explain how this went so wrong.

The Mutations (1974)

Not that good really.

[6/10 · 22 August 2023]

But I like the monster concept and design. The film itself is rather cheesy and seems more like something out of the 60s. I like how they try to make it more realistic by talking about and showing real carnivorous plants like the Venus flytrap but the FX are definitely lacking although they are still charming by being all practical. Donald Pleasence seems a bit off in this. I love him in other films of course but here I don't know. The whole movie is pretty off though but again I still like it. It just feels cheap and very rudimentary but I think monster fans can still enjoy it. If anything deserves a remake though, it's this.

Pin (1988)

Weird but unique and intriguing.

[7/10 · 22 August 2023]

Love that last shot too. The way his father seems so disturbed by his son making the dummy talk like he did is a great moment. I think this film really holds your attention and tells a story I never saw before. Almost like an extremely messed up Pinocchio and clearly the guy is in love with his sister as you find out in his "poetry" but this movie is very interesting. The end reveal that he didn't actually kill anyone is very surprising. Sure he scared the aunt to death but he didn't stab her or anything. There's something brilliant about this movie especially the way it rides that line to where you're not sure if Pin might really be alive or not. It's unpredictable and keeps you guessing.

The Matrix Revisited (2001 Video)

Loved rewatching this while I waited for the sequels.

[7/10 · 22 August 2023]

Then the sequels came and I was devastated. They were so awful but this documentary was fantastic and the first film will forever be a masterpiece even though the sequels cast a stain on it for me. I just have to block out two and three but the first is still incredible and The Matrix Revisited gives us an intriguing glimpse behind the curtain. I really loved this so much and it got me so hyped for the sequels. Maybe I should hate it for that but it's still really well done and now I just want to rewatch this doc again. The Matrix was really a monumental moment in cinema and I love seeing how it came to be.

Project: Metalbeast (1995)

Not great but I got a soft spot for it.

[6/10 · 22 August 2023]

It's really a strange movie since you can tell it's aping Jurassic Park at times while also trying to be a metal werewolf movie. If it was more gruesome and insane, I think it would've been more successful but I still enjoy it. Kane Hodder gives it his all, and while the story of the movie is pretty ridiculous, the concept of a metal werewolf is badass. It deserves points for that if nothing else. Sure the "werewolf" looks kind of like a hedgehog or something but eh it's the thought that counts. I wish this could get a remake with practical FX but heck it'd probably never be that good. I mean how much can you expect from a metal werewolf movie? We're just lucky it exists.

Poison (2001 Video)

Really enjoyed this erotic thriller.

[7/10 · 22 August 2023]

Kari Wuhrer and Barbara Crampton are a great combo. Yes, the film is ridiculous and doesn't make a lick of sense but it doesn't matter. I don't think anyone sitting down to watch this will be expecting Citizen Kane or Casablanca. Obviously, this is just meant to be entertaining and titillating. It easily succeeds at both. I was never bored like with some of these erotic thrillers. Of course, it isn't near the level of Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct but it's a great B movie and Jim Wynorski knocked it out of the park. Kari Wuhrer really steals the show and there is plenty of nudity. If you enjoy these kinds of movies, I think you'll certainly appreciate this one.

Raptor (2001 Video)

Never watch this even if you like the Carnosaur trilogy.

[1/10 · 22 August 2023]

All the dinosaur footage is just recycled from the Carnosaur films with new boring talking bits in between. It's really awful and I'm even a fan of many Jim Wynorski's movies. I felt ripped off and disappointed after I rented this back in the day. I was pretty stupid haha but I did actually like the Carnosaur movies as bloody horror dinosaur films, which are very rare (and the practical FX were so much fun); however, Raptor is clearly just a quick cash grab. I wouldn't even consider it a real movie since again all the FX shots are taken from other films. The new footage is dull as can be and obviously shot in a few days. Avoid at all costs unless you're a masochist.

Akuma no temari-uta (1977)

Another masterpiece waiting to be discovered.

[10/10 · 22 August 2023]

Again I'm at a loss why this film didn't get released outside of Japan. Like The Inugami Family (1976) that came before it in this series, it's absolutely amazing and it deserves to be seen a lot more in the rest of the world. Essentially a murder mystery, the film manages to be so much more with the same kind of great atmosphere as its predecessor. There is even a little bit of humor but the horror is shocking too. I couldn't predict the killer's identity and without spoiling anything, the story also becomes rather tragic by the end. It's certainly one to watch if you ever get the chance. I loved it and I'll definitely be watching it.

The Inugami Family (1976)

Phenomenal piece of cinema!

[10/10 · 22 August 2023]

I just wonder why this was never released outside of Japan. The writing is superb, really drawing you into the story, and the mystery keeps you hooked. There is just enough horror too to keep you on edge. It's very compelling and sometimes even funny with the detective constantly thinking he figured things out only to be obviously wrong. I don't think you can really predict all the twists. You may get a sense of some but I think the ending is genuinely surprising. It's artistic too with some parts filmed in a very unique manner especially for back then. The atmosphere of this film is outstanding too. I also highly recommend the next film in this series, The Devil's Ballad (1977) aka Akuma no temari-uta. It's incredible too.

Fascism on a Thread- The Strange Story of Nazisploitation Cinema (2019)

Amazing examination of a small dark corner in cinematic history!

[7/10 · 21 August 2023]

I didn't know much, if anything, about Nazisploitation before watching this. Sure I had seen a couple of these films but this documentary is so well done and in-depth on this crazy topic I loved watching it. It made me very curious to see all the bizarre movies it mentioned. I think it's so great documentaries like this are being made now. What a wonderful world :) I love how it goes into why these films were made and the serious arthouse movies as well as the exploitation flicks that just tried to cash in. It's really such a strange genre (or rather it's probably a subgenre of exploitation) but it's very interesting to see a serious analysis of it.

Screaming in High Heels: The Rise & Fall of the Scream Queen Era (2011)

Fantastic doc on Scream Queens!

[8/10 · 21 August 2023]

If you like Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, or Michelle Bauer aka if you grew up watching '80s horror, this documentary is perfect for you! I had a blast watching this and I wish it was even longer. I could listen to these directors and actresses talk forever. I wish they had even more B movie directors on here or went into more depth on what Brinke said about newer indie sets being abusive but I'll rewatch this a lot. I'm going to check out the extended interviews on my DVD too. So glad I bought this! I hope more people discover it. It's really an excellent movie and gives you so much insight into what these actresses went through as well as that period of filmmaking.

The Thing (I) (2011)

Awful CGI abomination too unoriginal for its own title.

[1/10 · 5 August 2023]

I won't blame the director but I'll definitely blame the studio since they insisted on the ridiculously bad CGI covering all the great practical FX. Really though there is a problem with the script too since the characters all tend to blend together and they don't hold a candle next to Carpenter's film. Plus, the real problem I'd say is the lack of mystery and good storytelling. It feels like a pale imitation of Carpenter's movie. The one unique idea of showing the other Alien species that the Thing took over was removed from the film because test audiences got confused, which means the script didn't make it clear they were two different species. That's a failure of the writing and even the beginning makes no sense like how the heck did they get out of that ravine that their snowmobile fell down into? Who cares just cut to the next scene. It's bad. And don't just call it The Thing again. That's so lazy.

Pandorum (2009)

Sadly disappointed with Pandorum.

[5/10 · 5 August 2023]

I remember being very excited for this one when it was coming to theaters, and I was quick to buy my ticket but it just didn't live up to my expectations (perhaps they were just too high). I wish it had monsters instead of crew that were just in space so long they went completely nuts and turned into savage cannibals. I mean that's a pretty cool idea by itself but the film just feels like it's missing something. I don't know what. There is a lot of mystery at the start but when all the answers are revealed, I just don't think they're good enough. The actors do fine, the set design is great, it has so much going for it, etc. But it just comes up short somehow. It's not awful at all yet it's not great.