jordanjanssen Reviews

All-American Boy (2020)

Just Don't. Honestly really, really bad.

[1/10 · 23 November 2023]

This film was abysmal. I don't say that lightly, but the following things were bad Acting Camera work Direction Writing Plot Makeup Image quality

This film just wasn't believable. I don't even think that having decent actors or direction could have saved the plot.

That the protagonist is raped by an antagonist who was showing signs of being a gentle and considerate person who then turned 180 degrees into a supervillain who monologued his dastardly plans with a camera placed low looking up at him accompanied by scary lightning and music tells you all you need to know. If it weren't for the fact that they were talking about rape, I would have been laughing at how bad it was. But never mind, it's all okay because in the extremely long exposition dialogue towards the end, it turns out the antagonist was raped by a relative when he was young, so all is forgiven.

So many terrible tropes throughout this film that, were the subject matter not so serious, I might have started a drinking game as they were ticked off.

None of the people involved in this film should ever be allowed behind or in front of a camera again.

On a positive note, I have to congratulate the people who managed to crowdfund this film for raising the cash to get it made and distributed. Please don't raise money for anything else featuring anyone who worked on this film, but well done for raising the cash. Did you have Kompromat on the donors?

Seen on Amazon Prime Video.

In the Heights (2021)

The feel-good hit of the summer

[9/10 · 9 June 2021]

Yes, the headline of this review is a cliché, but it's totally true!

I received tickets to an advanced screening thanks to Sky TV. I knew VERY little about the film other than it's the first musical from Lin-Manuel Miranda of "Hamilton" fame.

The film is a fast-paced heady mix of Rent, Fame, and West Side Story in terms of style, and that's not a bad thing. It's almost nonstop singing and dancing and very engrossing.

The story is fairly light and fluffy, not too taxing on the brain, which is just what I needed in my first cinema visit in more than 18 months.

There were several times that a musical number finished and I REALLY wanted to break into applause, especially after Abuela's big number which was powerful and visually great. Unfortunately, being British and in the UK, we really don't applaud in the cinema.

The only criticism I have is that it is overly long, at 2 hours 23 minutes, yet I don't know what could or should be cut from it. It would have been better to be round the 1:55 mark.

This film is the first of a run of big musicals coming out in 2021, it has set a VERY high bar and it will be very difficult for the other musicals to top it.

The biggest problem this film has at present is getting bums on seats during the COVID pandemic. If it's to do the big business it deserves, I would recommend rereleasing it in the autumn - because this film deserves to be seen, and seen on a big screen.

Support the film industry, go and see this film in the cinema (safely) and strap in for the ride!

It's a Sin (2021)

Wonderful story

[9/10 · 24 January 2021]

Russell T Davies does it again!

Just for reference, GRID referenced in either episode 1 or 2 was the previous name for AIDS and it stood for Gay Related Immunodeficiency Disease.

Russell delivers a show with fantastic highs and depressing lows. He takes us from the highs of discovering the Scene in London, to the lows of the multiple deaths of AIDS related illnesses and the treatment meted out to the gay community by other people and the authorities.

I wish Russell had been able to make this back in the day instead of QAF, but I've read the interviews and I understand his reasoning.

The acting is top notch, there is the occasional "too good to be true" moment, but that's forgivable.

Olly Alexander was a revelation - I've only seen him on Gogglebox and his Years and Years music videos previously. I'm now going to have to watch him in Skins.

Keeley Hawes (the new actor who's in EVERYTHING, taking the crown from Olivia Coleman!) was brilliant as Richie's mum. A fussy, uptight woman who occasionally meant well, but often a bit of a cow.

You'll want to binge watch this in one go. You'll then be crying out for a second series (possibly linking it to QAF?). Would be great to see a young Vince and Stuart having a trip to London and bumping into the cast of It's A Sin!

Follow Me (2020)

Subpar Mashup of Escape Room, Hostel, & The Game(1997)

[4/10 · 24 January 2021]

So, a VERY unlikeable social media personality whose entire MO is gurning at the camera and shouting "ESCAPE REAL LIFE ERL!" into the camera goes to Russia to take part in an "amazing" escape room game set up by his friends.

His friends are an ugly mix of Benetton "tick the box for diversity" characters. This is NOT a good thing. None of them are interesting enough for the viewer to care about, and the lead character Cole is someone whom you WANT to die!

So, they get to the escape room after much faffing about that seems irrelevant to the plot. Unfortunately, the escape room puzzles are simple games similar to Crystal Maze on Channel Four in the UK (and shown on other channels worldwide). The games are SO simple, you'll be shouting at the screen. However, the games all appear to be life threatening and capable of causing injuries, and they all escape in the nick of time. Very much like the earlier and better Escape Room (and a few similar type of films, I think I've seen three previous "dangerous escape room" films.

Then once they've all escaped, some Russian gangster mob people whom they tangled with earlier after they'd not long arrived in Russia kidnap them all.

The film then turns into Eli Roth's "Hostel/Hostel Part 2". His friends are being tortured and killed on camera for a paying audience of some sort of "red room" on the dark web.

Finally, after all his friends have been killed, he escapes. Only it's all a prank. Nobody was killed. It was all SFX and his friends were all in on it - just like the film "The Game" with Michael Douglas all the way back in 1997!

This film has neither the budget to hire decent actors, the courage to show violent gore up close like Hostel, or a decent original plot.

I'd suggest watching The Game (1997) for a much more satisfying experience.

Book of Monsters (2018)

3 Stars For the Effects Only!

[3/10 · 16 May 2020]

Really sub-par acting with wooden delivery throughout most of the film.

A woman bites a chunk out of a guy's neck and then starts clawing a pentagram into his chest and he doesn't even complain!

Actors in their mid-thirties pretending to be 18, for goodness sakes!

The effects are fun and gory, I enjoy a good amount of splatter and entrails, and they are the only thing that persuaded me to give this schlock three stars.

Adam (I) (2019)

Let's call it what it is...!

[1/10 · 13 May 2020]

Being totally blunt here, Adam RAPED Gillian!

There's no other way to put it. Without fully informed consent, Adam had penetrative sex with Gillian using a strap on sex toy. It matters not that she LATER realised that Adam wasn't a trans male and still went with it.

This simple fact is glossed over in the film, and I am angry that it wasn't addressed. Even when Adam has a heart to heart with Ethan, Ethan fails to point out that Adam raped Gillian. That is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

As for the rest of the film, it was weak, flabby, and soured by the above fact. When a moving poem about being trans was read by a character, I should have been held, transfixed and crying. Instead, I was treated to numerous shots of Adam looking shifty and it made me feel angry that this important moment was spoiled.

Ultimately, I felt that this film effectively supported the abhorrent idea of "corrective rape". The poor gay girl just needed the right man to have sex with her, and maybe she could realise the error of her ways and adjust to living a 'productive' heteronormative life with a husband, 2.4 kids, and half a Labrador.

You will gain ZERO understanding of the lives of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people. And even less understanding of trans people, male or female.

I haven't read the book, and based on the film (screenwritten by the author), I see no need to. I know it will be bad.

I don't recommend this film to anyone. I wish I had read the reviews beforehand, and I would have saved myself 90 minutes of frustration and anger.

For the record, I'm a gay cisgender man.

Jordan

21 Bridges (2019)

A stolen ending

[6/10 · 23 November 2019]

This film is certainly fast-paced and full of action. It can be no surprise that every law enforcement officer apart from one is corrupt, but it's a fun journey to the end.

There's some excellent use of surround sound in the cinema; at one point I thought there actually WAS a helicopter outside flying past!

I wouldn't waste your money on seeing this in the cinema though, it's just not 'big enough' to justify the expense. I wouldn't be surprised if the script was stolen from an unused episode of 24.

However, the final act is stolen from Clear and Present Danger. I sat in the cinema thinking "I've definitely seen this before!" and after a bit of thought, I realised where I had seen it. That's not to say it's a bad ending, it was excellent the first time it was used!

Go on a two-for-one deal if your cinema has one, because this isn't worth paying full price for.

Last Christmas (2019)

Charming but obvious

[5/10 · 20 November 2019]

It's an ok film, but the plot twist is akin to something from the Lifetime Channel. As soon as you find out a little more about the protagonist, it's VERY obvious who the mysterious Tom is.

That said, it has its charm and the characters are all very likeable. However, don't expect the songs of George Michael to be as integral to the film such as Bruce Springsteen for Blinded By The Light (2019) or The Beatles for Yesterday (2019).

However, "have some lesbian pudding" is my favourite line out of all the 40+ films I've seen this year!

Ready or Not (I) (2019)

Wait for it to come on TV

[3/10 · 2 September 2019]

Oh dear. What a silly film.

Poor girl marries into rich family who have a ritual for anyone joining the family to play a randomly selected game. Poor Grace gets the 'Hide and Seek' card, which means the rich folk (including young grade school age kids) hunt her with the intent to kill her.

The film started quite earnestly in trying to be a creepy weirdo family house of horrors and rapidly descended into vacuous exhibition of digital gore. People in the cinema were laughing out loud most of the way through, and not in a good way!

I only went to see this as an Odeon 'screen unseen' in the U.K. and because I have a cinema pass. If I had paid my £14 for a ticket, I would have been very unhappy about it. As it was, my companions got in for £5 each, which is all this film is worth.

If you've seen a genuinely scary film, you'll want to give this a miss. The moniker of 'comedy' is more apt than 'suspense, horror, thriller' as shown on IMDb.

Save yourself the money, and have a giggle at this when it arrives on satellite TV.

Upgrade (2018)

A very impressive film

[10/10 · 28 June 2019]

I didn't catch this film at the cinema and stumbled upon it while scanning through the EPG on my Sky system.

This film is SO much better than expected. It's intelligent, action packed, and has excellent visuals.

We haven't really seen anyone fight like Neo from The Matrix Trilogy since those films, and now we have, albeit with the assistance of a computer chip imbedded in his cervical spine.

The story is a little predictable at the end. It doesn't take a genius to work out who arranged the hit on Grey and his wife, but it's an entertaining romp getting to the finalé.

This film will entertain fans of AI sci-fi and also fans of action films.

I'm really glad I watched this film, and will look out for the Blu Ray at a reasonable price.

Dr. Pimple Popper (2018– )

What a gem Sandra Lee is!

[9/10 · 8 June 2019]

You'll see every oddity here. Dr Pimple Popper is Sandra Lee, who rise to fame with your YouTube channel. She is an extremely caring and professional dermatologist and deals with all sorts of cases. The majority of her cases turn out to be fatty cysts, but she removes them from all over the body, where they have blighted the lives of her patients. Seeing someone go in with a lump on their forehead that causes them insecurities due to their appearance, then leave with a minimal scar and a rejuvenated outlook on life is amazing. It's a good job we don't have 'smellyvision' as some of those sebaceous cysts are extremely smelly! Dr Lee's fun outlook, kind and compassionate nature, and genuine love of her job because she literally changes lives is infectious - in a good way!

The Toe Bro (2019– )

Good, but no variety

[7/10 · 8 June 2019]

This is a good show, The Toe Bro obviously loves his job and works hard to reassure his patients and solve their problems. However, it is extremely limited in scope. Unlike Dr Pimple Popper who deals with problems all over the body, from warts to sebaceous cysts and skin tags, The Toe Bro deals with ingrown toenails all the time, and the very occasional verucca and athletes foot. Once you've seen one gnarly ingrown toenail, you've seen them all. I doubt there is enough mileage in this show for a second series, no matter how genuinely pleasant and likeable the Toe Bro is.

Peng Life (2018– )

Really Channel 4? What were you thinking?

[1/10 · 25 August 2018]

When he reviewed fried chicken shops as a kid, it was cute and funny (the first couple of times, at least) but now, he's a grown man in his mid 20's and blissfully clueless about anything, but has been given his own show to review stuff!

I'm not sure whether Channel 4 has brought this out under 'comedy' or thinks that there is genuine 'consumer affairs' content on this show. Either way, it's fallen flat on its face.

This won't get another series.

I'll admit, I'm a white guy in my 40's, I'm definitely NOT the target audience for this show, maybe I'm what they call a 'gammon', who knows? But I know good, worthwhile shows when I see them, and this isn't one of them.