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jen5en
Reviews
Robin Hood (2010)
Confused, amused... but mostly entertained.
Robin Hood. I usually associate him with a bare-assed Kevin Costner and Bryan Adams, a forest, lots of arrows flying and typical 90's clichés. However, on the poster it seemed none of this would be present. Instructed by Ridley Scott and starring Russell Crowe? Frankly, I didn't know what the hell to expect going in. A mix between Robin Hood and Gladiator maybe?
First off, I would say that it was a weird experience that I haven't fully recovered from. It's a 140 min. movie and yet it felt short. Despite being quite slow in it's narrative, with only two major battle scenes, I never felt bored in any way. It's quite gory from time to time, yet indulges in goofy comedy and penis jokes occasionally.
It is beautiful though and the performances are memorable. It just feels... bland and yet exceptional. Dull and yet intriguing. I didn't really care much for what was going on, yet I was glued to the screen and didn't check my watch. A bit like watching Alexander. Or Kingdom of Heaven. It feels like watching a bunch of LARP'ers in a forest essentially, but cool, good-looking LARP'ers with expensive costumes.
But Robin Hood you say? Frankly, calling it "Longstride" wouldn't have made any difference to me. It's about a man coming home to England to deliver the message of the king's demise, then things go haywire.
If you feel confused about my ramblings I don't blame you. I'm as confused as you are. Because I don't really know what to say, so I'll be blunt. It felt like just another 'epic' movie. Posh British accents? Check. Cheesy speeches about liberty and freedom, with bombastic music? Check. Questionable CGI castles? Check. BUT, I managed to be engaging and intriguing. Hell, I couldn't remember one damn scene from Alexander and yet I remember whole dialogs from Robin Hood - which is quite an achievement.
So all in all, a typical epic movie with Robin Hood slapped on top of it. Great cinema to be sure and an experience to be remembered. I can't really give anything other than 8/10. Nice one Mr. Scott. I think.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Then George Lucas came along...
When did I know that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wasn't gonna be my cup of tea? It started 10 seconds after the Paramount logo was displayed and a CGI prairie dog came out of the ground. I was hoping it to be an Ice Age 3 teaser, but no, it was Indiana Jones. It was later confirmed again, when 3 of these poorly animated CGI cuties were having facial expressions while looking at Henry Jones himself.
It confirmed my greatest fears; George Lucas had left a mark of his Crap-Midas touch: everything he touches will stink. Or, it will when he gets to say too much. The first 3 Star Wars without him as director were great, the 3 prequels after when he introduced us to Jar Jar Binks meant a trip to Poo-Poo Town. It's the same story with Indiana; too much cheese that doesn't belong there. Don't get me wrong here, Indiana movies have always been full of cheese and cute gimmicks, but they never ruined it. The little incidents like Indiana pulling his gun in a sword fight with a crazy Bedouin warrior, or his dad lighting an entire Nazi-hall on fire; these moments were classics, but lousy humor like CGI monkeys attacking a Russian convoy should never have been included. But it did and I think I know why.
In short, it didn't feel like an Indy movie. Not because it was carried into the digital age with bravura, but because the spirit was completely gone. The only characters I could connect with were Dr. Henry Jones (of course) and Marion Ravenwood, but with Shia LeBeouf in the role as... well, Shia LeBeouf and Ray Winstone as Indy's long lost friend Mac we're all supposed to like all of a sudden, it feels foreign and in-cohesive. The USSR could've been a great and cunning adversary, but unlike the Nazi's who always seemed to have the edge in the previous 3 movies, the Russians seemed like 10-15 bad guys that just happened to be at the right place at the right time; they didn't feel like a military superpower hunting down Dr. Jones. Kate Blanchett actually performs well, but her character remains a figurehead that we know is unlikely to survive the end credits.
The plot could have been great, and the transition from the 40's to the 50's interesting, but it was sadly poorly executed. Too much is spoon fed to us and by the time the plot is even mentioned, you know what it's gonna end up with.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was not fun for me, it wasn't "Indy" enough for me. I say this because I loved the previous three and rated them all '10' here on IMDb. But stupid gimmicks like Jar Jar Binks and CGI prairie hounds belong neither in Star Wars nor in an Indiana Jones movie. I understand that some will be entertained and chances are you'll even enjoy this one, I just didn't.
MotorStorm (2006)
Evolution has made a beautiful racer, but forgot 'the missing link'.
Once upon a time, there was nothing. And Sony said, let there be light, and there was light. And Evolution Studios said, let there be high-res hard shadowing, and there was high-res hard shadowing. And then came perfected bump mapping, eye-popping lightning effects, million polygon cars, particle effects that no one had ever seen. And Sony saw that it was good, but on the 6th day Evolution was tired, and It realized that in spite of the beauty of It's creation... there was no life.
I could go on and on, but instead of becoming religious by playing Motorstorm, quite the opposite has happened. I am furious, I give it a mere 4 stars out of 10. How dare I? Behold! The Antichrist! Let's start from scratch with the concept of Motorstorm. In the desert, there are festivals where everything with an engine, from bikes and ATV's to hummers and 18-wheelers, are competing across sand dunes, rocks and mountains. Everything is chaos, since there in theory are no roads. The game runs in full HD, every crash is detailed down to the last engine part flying. Mud clashes on the car and stays there, and when driven into dust... THAT stays on the mud; it's THAT cool. And then you ask, can it get any better? And the answer, I'm afraid, is a resounding yes.
It seems that in the 3 years it took to make this game, no designer ever thought of implying that little ingredient that makes us wanna play... something that's called "Gameplay". You pick a "ticket" (race) and join. You cannot choose the vehicle of your desire for the most part. In game you press the X button or R2 depending on your setup, and go. You smash into others, they smash into you. Fun for about 20 seconds, until you've restarted the race 15 times. See, Motorstorm's AI is designed to drive ANYTHING into the dirt, apparently to make things more challenging. The problem is that it doesn't try to win, if you're driving next to someone, the AI will force you into a rock, and continue to do so while all the other opponents race off in the distance.
While it's a central part of the game to crash constantly (about 10-15 times during each race) it becomes frustrating when you can drive like a princess not hitting anything, and then crash because of a collision error. Even though you're back on track with full boost (yes, you can boost Burnout style) you've still lost your position. Except if you roll over, lies still for 15 seconds, lose your position, then you DON'T get full boost. Why the hell that is, I have no idea. Oh... and it's ONE player only, so forget about inviting your friends over to brag about your new system. Seems that extra controller became pretty expendable, huh?
The online component is great, but sadly suffers from the same glitches, and from the simplicity of this game.
So, what we eventually end up with, is a long game, not because of content (9 tracks) but because of the 14 opponents against YOU. A game that manages to frustrate instead of entertain. It's a Ferrari with no engine, it's a model with no brains (oh wait, who cares about that?) Simply, it's artwork. Do not buy it, LOOK at it. When you've looked, go away. It's already used it's potential.
Sorry Evolution. Restart the race and try again.
Resistance: Fall of Man (2006)
This Insomniac masterpiece will sure give me insomnia for a few nights...
Finally, Sony released the powerhouse known as the Playstation 3. The PS3 fan boys all remember the first PS3 show when Phil Harrison demonstrated just how powerful this technological marvel is. Now it's here, but how is all this power being used? Fairly good in my opinion! Resistance: Fall of Man (RFM) is a first person shooter (duh) for the Playstation 3 (double duh), set in the 1950's where all of Europe and most of Asia has been overrun by a virus, capable of mutating humans into alien creatures, known as the Chimera. The game is built up around the endeavors of the American soldier Nathan Hale, who is dropped in on an assault, on the city of York. From here, he too is infected, but not mutated. He thus becomes a powerful half-human, half-chimerian hybrid, and must now join his fellow humans in the battle against the vicious E.T. look-alike invaders.
The game itself runs in 720p HD, which is jaw-droopingly beautiful providing of course that you have a HD TV and a HDMI cable. Otherwise, the crisp details in the textures are washed away by jaggies from standard TV sets and SCART cables. Although the graphics are inconsistent from time to time, it is a very beautiful game on the bottom-line. The Blu-Ray discs really show just how much potential the machine has, unlike the X360's DVD drive. (Yes, I am a PS3 fan boy, please close your e-mail client.)
As for game play, the RFM is pretty basic. The enemies can take quite a lot of damage since there's little reason to get to cover. Just aim and shoot. However, the AI is strafing, dodging, ducking and jumping and aims irritatingly well. Rest assured, you'll be up for quite a challenge. The strong point in game play is the weapons. These are the guys that made Ratchet and Clank people, they have some twisted ideas for tomorrow's arsenal. Like the Chimerian standard rifle that can "tag" and enemy, so that all future shots will be homing to that position. Or the Auger that slowly goes through walls, and doesn't stop. It even has a force field for you to hide behind. Awesome!
And of course, there is the multi player. 40 people can kill some time killing each other with little to no lag. That's impressive. Sadly, the vehicles available in single player are nowhere to be found on the online arenas. I surely would love to blast through a wall with a tank and surprise a few unwary noobs gone camping.
The only problem RFM has, is that it becomes very linear at points. Even though the scenery is very different from one place to another, there're little to no cut-scenes, even though they are brilliantly done. All you get are 30-50 seconds of dialog and some black and white stills, and then a load of new aliens are thrown at you. Give us a tiny break please.
Still, Resistance: Fall of Man is a well done FPS, and for a launch title, the best on it's field. If this is the beginning of what we can see on the PS3, Bill Gates is in for quite a time. It combines the cool elements from classics like Halo and Call of Duty, with weaponry worthy of any childish inventor. With brilliant graphics that easily competes against X360 classics like Gears of War, I'll certainly will be on the lookout for a sequel. If you got a PS3, get out there and buy it!
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness (2003)
Angel of Darkness sets the mood but drops the tension.
Lara Croft is arguing with her old mentor Verner von Croy over something called the "Obscura Paintings". After some yelling, Lara is knocked down, we hear gunfire and when Lara regains her consciousness, von Croy lies dead on the floor. Not long after that, police sirens can be heard in the distance; Lara Croft is wanted for the murder of Verner von Croy.
Thus does a fast paced story telling in the 6th installment of the Tomb Raider series commence, and it is by far the most intriguing story of them all. Readers of The Da Vinci Code will see the obvious similarities here, since the game is told the exact same way; A murder, a chase, a secret, the Louvre... much inspiration has been borrowed here. Also, the pace of the famous book is equally fast; with Lara being hunted by French police helicopters, cops, villains and secret society special forces, it would seems that everything's set for a fantastic and enjoyable adventure; suffice to say, the story is certainly not where the film snaps.
The control, however, certainly does its part in ruining the little escapade. First off: Lara no longer runs instantly, she walks and THEN she runs, which can prove fatal when you haven't got a large plateau to jump from. Also, her acrobatic actions like jumping over railings and climbing drain pipes are not triggered by pushing Shift, or the X button, but simply by pointing the directional buttons in that direction. This can create some very frustrating and catastrophic situations, as Lara will be more than willing to jump over a railing and fall 70 meters down. However, the controls can be mastered and once they have been, they work.
Another thing that will cause many players to throw the controller into the TV screen is the absence of an Auto Save function. Since you'll die on a regular basis, saving is certainly necessary every 5 minutes. Every run and jump has to be executed with surgical precision, something that is destined to fail, especially with newbies behind the screen.
On a graphical side-note, AoD is a peculiar game. Lara's shadow is in high resolution, but doesn't match her surroundings, i.e. her shadow is pointing in another direction than other objects. The 3D environments have high polygon counts, but this can't be said for Lara or any other characters: they still look like dolls, with octagon eyes and square fingers. The tombs are fantastically rendered but low res textures (for the PS2 version at least) makes the experience a little dull and does not encourage one to explore.
The enemies in AoD are brain dead and uninteresting, they can run, bite, shoot, hit you... and that's pretty much it. Any unusual behaviour is usually programmed actions like soldiers roping themselves down the roof and so on. The stealth elements in the game quickly falls to the ground as it is ten times easier to just run forward and mash the action button to shoot your foes, since the auto-aim function takes care of the hard part. And once defeated, they will simply blink and disappear, arcade style. That is one of the things that makes AoD lose much of its realism. The new kung-fu elements looks cool, though albeit slower than Tom Cruise's moves in MI:2, they usually cause you to lose 50% health since the enemy can still hit/shoot you during the attack. RUBBISH! Also, AoD suffers from strange bugs, like the sound repeating itself over and over again when dying and Lara has a rare tendency to fall through the floor into blue, uncoded nothingness.
Conclusively, Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness is a game that requires patience, tolerance and a pretty controlled temper if you like your TV. Although the graphics are decent in places and outright ugly in other, and although the controls take forever to master, it is a decent game that requires your attention, at least by a rental.
The Legend of Zorro (2005)
Insults your intelligence...
This is yet another proof that Hollywood is rapidly becoming the architect of its own demise. I can't think of anything worse than 'Legend of Zorro'. Not even 'Evolution' can win the crown of 'worst film ever'.
Where do we begin? Well, it's nearly impossible to categorize this film, since it does not appeal to kids, as it should. The film is filled with ridiculous sequences that will make you roll your eyes, simply because they try to be funny but aren't in any way. I doubt that anyone with an IQ above 50 will laugh at Zorro's horse Tornado smoking pipe and drinking booze. Zorro's kid doesn't make it any better with his annoying performance, proving that kicking a soldier in the butt and causing him to fall down a slide into some water becomes boring after the 12th time. This is by far, the least thoughtful movie ever. 'Dennis the Menace' is a deep and provocative experience compared to this.
Don't listen to the people commending this film. Preserve your dignity and stay away from this contagious peace of trash!